Boyfriend's reaction to helping me

July 2, 2018

I am a parent and I don't feel *forced* to buy b'day gift to my BF's kids, and I don't feel forced to spend time with them, help them, get interested in their life, it's actually a privilege to be part of their life.

I am not a parent, and I still feel this way about my boyfriends son. I have made many sacrifices to be in this relationship because I love my boyfriend, I am proud to support him as he parents his son, and the well being of his child comes first - always!

July 2, 2018

I told him that I was having a difficult time dealing with this issue. He said I was making a big deal out of it.

Problem # 2 him invalidating your feelings.

July 2, 2018

Ugg! This sort of behaviour reminds me of my ex husband. He’s the father of my children but adopted exactly the same attitude.

Op, I’m sorry to say this but he doesn’t love you, or your children for that matter. When you love someone you have their best interests at heart, want to help them, want to make them happy, work with them, and the tasks you’ve mentioned wouldn’t be perceived as a chore. They’d be happy that your happy. End of.

He’s in the relationship only for himself. I may be wrong but I’m getting the sense that you do plenty for him?

Sounds like he’s only interested in getting his needs met, not yours. Not an attractive trait.

July 2, 2018

I would seriously reconsider a relationship with this man. At 2 weeks or perhaps even 2 months, his response is valid - at 2 years, no. Not unless you're happy with dating casually and never want a more committed relationship, anyway. Part of the deal of a LTR, IMO, is that you each help the other person where you can, especially if help is rarely requested.

July 2, 2018

I am not a parent, and I still feel this way about my boyfriends son. I have made many sacrifices to be in this relationship because I love my boyfriend, I am proud to support him as he parents his son, and the well being of his child comes first - always!

We see this type of acceptance from women maybe? One of my female childhood friend can't have children, she married a man that had a 6 year old, that boy became her reason for living, she raised him as her own.

July 2, 2018

I would seriously reconsider a relationship with this man. At 2 weeks or perhaps even 2 months, his response is valid - at 2 years, no. Not unless you're happy with dating casually and never want a more committed relationship, anyway. Part of the deal of a LTR, IMO, is that you each help the other person where you can, especially if help is rarely requested.

I completely agree.

And, I would offer that if his issue is that he has been generous in the past and other women have taken advantage of his generosity, that's not going to fly with me. Do some women take advantage of men and expect them to finance or take care of their responsibilities - unfortunately, probably true. BUT, if this is what has happened in the past, it is because he has chosen his partners poorly and overextended himself.

It IS definitely possible to do kind things to help your partner, while maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship. If he hasn't done that in the past, that's on him... not his partners.

I would however, question him when he says that he has been "taken advantage and not appreciated." Because I do sense that you do a lot for him, and I wonder if he has a certain sense of entitlement...

Edited July 2, 2018 by BaileyB

July 2, 2018

BF did not have a relationship with his daughter when she was young. He has a relationship with her now. Their relationship was strained for about four months recently when they did not talk; but, that has passed.

BF and I do not live together. He does not help me out financially. He has bought a few birthday and Christmas gifts for my kids.

Yes, I buy gifts for his daughter and grandchildren because I want to do so. His youngest grandson turned one a few months ago. I saw his grandson at the hospital before BF saw him. His grandson's one year birthday occurred during the time BF and his daughter were not talking. BF refused to attend the birthday party. I made sure BF and his daughter were okay with me attending the birthday party and I did attend the party, without BF. Again, I attended the party because I wanted to do so.

July 2, 2018

BF did not have a relationship with his daughter when she was young. He has a relationship with her now. Their relationship was strained for about four months recently when they did not talk; but, that has passed.

Well that tells you what type of man he is. He didn't take care of his own so why would he go out of his way to take care of other people's kids.

Is your BF finally said he loves you? I remember your first thread on here was about him not 'feeling in love' after 6 months dating.

July 2, 2018

He is not a good person or life partner. Dump him immediately, he'll never be here for you. Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand that being in a relationship doesn't mean just having sex, but helping each other.

You are in a friends with benefits situation and he's not really your boyfriend.

July 2, 2018

BF did not have a relationship with his daughter when she was young. He has a relationship with her now. Their relationship was strained for about four months recently when they did not talk; but, that has passed.

BF and I do not live together. He does not help me out financially.

His grandson's one year birthday occurred during the time BF and his daughter were not talking. BF refused to attend the birthday party.

No, I would say that you help him out financially, by providing his paycheck.

That is a BIG red flag. He does not understand the responsibility and commitment it takes to raise children. He is also a "my way or the highway" kind of guy... He is not willing to budge an inch - as evidenced by the fact that he couldn't put his disagreement aside to attend his grandson's first birthday. Again, it shows you what is important to this guy... it wasn't his daughter or his grandson, it was himself.

Edited July 2, 2018 by BaileyB

July 2, 2018

Might seem like an odd question, but he has had any recent conflict with his ex-wife?

July 2, 2018

I'd like other's opinions on an event that occurred between myself and my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm 50 and he is 46. We do not live together. His daughter is grown with four children. My kids are 16 and 12 and live with me. I have my own business and BF has worked with me since September.

I asked BF three times last week to pick up my son from an event. I was an hour away each day in a meeting. Ex-husband was out of town. My daughter was working. I didn't think asking BF to help me was a big deal as he works for me and he said he would help me.

On 2 days that BF helped, BF became angry because my daughter was home when he returned my son home. When I asked my daughter why she was home, she said her employer called her and changed her work hours each morning. When I asked her why she didn't pick up her brother, she answered that she did not even think about picking up her brother. I have no reason to doubt her.

I asked BF about why he was so angry. He said that he didn't want a relationship where he had to help all the time because in his past relationships, when he helped his ex-wife or a girlfriend, it didn't count for anything. He said I needed to exhaust my resources for help before asking him. But then he said he didn't mind helping me. I responded that I have never asked for his help in 2 years, had no other options and it eased my mind that he could help me.

I was stunned by his reaction and his anger. He has said in the past that he doesn't want a relationship wherein all he does is work on a car, cut grass, fix something at a house, etc. I do not ask for his help.

Any insight as to what is going on?

Both of these bolded things tell a big part of the story. You are both right and both in the wrong. You need to find a way to compromise and make each other feel appreciated AND supported.

*Because he "works for me"--the way you phrased it makes it seem very master and servant. that's not going to go over well with many people. It's still a favor that he can choose to decline. It's not one of his work duties nor is it one of his boyfriend duties. So I would guess there is something inherent already going on where you make him feel like he is not appreciated or that you tell him what you do & presume he must help.

*He is carrying baggage which may or may not reflect what is also going on with you. I suspect it does reflect it a bit or he wouldn't have gotten so upset over this favor. (but suspect you didn't pose it as a favor). So he is carrying resentment which is probably bigger than this one issue. Also how you manage your family is your business (and sure if he interfered you would tell him so!) but you took your daughter's side and somewhat pitted them against each other. I do kinda of agree that it is more your daughter's responsibility to pick up her brother than your bf (but that's on you with how you manage your family and at the same time you can't ascribe that responsibility to him). You shouldn't have made feel like he HAD to do anything.

*All of that said, through he words and actions, he is making you feel very unsupported and wary of a future with him (which i would agree with and can see how it would upset you). Neither of you are right though and it would do no good to tell you that you are when you need to learn how to compromise and communicate better to SEE if this relationship has real potential or if these problems of both of yours are insurmountable. Good luck

July 2, 2018

No recent conflict with his ex-wife. The mother of his daughter is not his ex-wife and they get along well.

I realize that at this stage in life, we all have "baggage" from previous relationships. I know that I am very different than the women he dated in the past and I pointed that out to him during our conversations on this issue. I also told him that you cannot assume all women are alike.

I know that him working for me could be an issue. I was looking for someone and he offered to work for me. I did have a long talk with him about working for me before I made the decision to hire him.

Yes, he did tell me that he loved me within a day or two of me telling him that I loved him. Our relationship is not based on sex. BF was adamant about not having a relationship that was based on sex.

July 2, 2018

I asked BF three times last week to pick up my son from an event. I was an hour away each day in a meeting. Ex-husband was out of town. My daughter was working. I didn't think asking BF to help me was a big deal as he works for me and he said he would help me.

Do you mean by that it wasn't a big deal to pick your son up because he'd have to pick him up during his work hours and of course his salary wouldn't be cut off for doing something personal?

July 2, 2018

Do you think that picking up your kid or doing personal stuff is part of his job responsibilities in the job title he filled? Because unless he is a personal assistant, a nanny or a chauffeur, I'd be annoyed too if my boss told me i had to go pick up their kid. If they "asked" me if i could do that favor and incorporated it into my work load, I might say yes. Just saying as a guy or your subordinate in a work situation, he might be looking for more separation of what you TELL him to do that relates to work (likely to be agreeable and willing) and if it relates to managing your life, he would like to be treated like an equal with a CHOICE.

I'd definitely push back too if it is not clear that it's OPTIONAL. Part of what is happening was bound to happen because you are mixing work/life, boss/subordinate, etc..

July 2, 2018

No kids, never married and quite happy!!

I tried to date a single mother, once. It was a disaster. Never did that again.

Kids became #1 on my "deal breaker" list.

Plenty of women out there without kids.

NEXT!!

That would explain your answer... Like you I don't have kids either, but I was married once. I've dated women with kids and without them. But I understand fully what the OP wanted. She just wanted her man (BF) to go and pickup her son. That's it cut and dry. He has prior issues that causes him not do want to do this. You can't blame the OP for asking her man (BF). You judge your answer on why you won't date single women with kids. Yes her kids come first than you. Because she gave birth to them like with any nurturing mother would be. You come second to her that's the way it going to be. Women without kids will give you their 100% attention. Only if they're not Aunt or Grand Aunt. If they are an Aunt it will be almost the same as mom would be with their kids as Aunt would be with her Nephew and Niece.

Edited July 2, 2018 by coolheadal

July 2, 2018

I did ask if he would help me. I did not assume that he would help me. The act of him helping me did not interfere with his personal time. And, yes, part of me felt that since he was helping me during work hours and he does work for me, I did not think it was a big deal for him to help me out in this situation as it did not interfere with his personal time.

I try very hard to keep a wall up between work and my personal life as my work can be all consuming. He has worked for me for 9 months. We have dated for almost two years.

July 2, 2018

Women without kids will give you their 100% attention.

My aversion to dating single mothers has nothing to do with receiving 100% of their attention or being second. My biggest headache was dealing with the ex-husband, listening to her complain about the ex-husband, having to make up the financial shortfall because the child support didn't come through, buying the child clothing because the ex-husband kept the clothes the mother sent with the child, etc. etc.

I also had an aversion to being the chauffeur, baby-sitter, etc. The mother didn't care to plan well, so I became an easy fall back. She would always fail to plan, but wanted me to keep the plan from failing.

My post is based on my experience, your experiences may be quite different from mine.

July 2, 2018

I did ask if he would help me. I did not assume that he would help me. The act of him helping me did not interfere with his personal time. And, yes, part of me felt that since he was helping me during work hours and he does work for me, I did not think it was a big deal for him to help me out in this situation as it did not interfere with his personal time.

I try very hard to keep a wall up between work and my personal life as my work can be all consuming. He has worked for me for 9 months. We have dated for almost two years.

I understand that my dear, but again it's not your fault, you didn't know he had some issues in his life prior to women who had kids and ask him to go pick them up. Mental behavior disorder. That's on him not you remember it. He could have said no but he did and complained about later on. Now you ask us here what we thought about why and his actions. This one you need to solve on your own with him. Talk to him, if he doesn't care then you have to think about relationship with him. So he works for you and you been dating for 2 years. Be careful as you know if something happens outside work and your dating an employee it could be upsetting to your mindset at work. Your still thinking about this event. You got to leave non-work events at home. Don't judge him by his actions outside the job. Your kids come first and they do! He has kids he should understand that personal trait in you. I wish you best to get this worked out with him.

July 2, 2018

My aversion to dating single mothers has nothing to do with receiving 100% of their attention or being second. My biggest headache was dealing with the ex-husband, listening to her complain about the ex-husband, having to make up the financial shortfall because the child support didn't come through, buying the child clothing because the ex-husband kept the clothes the mother sent with the child, etc. etc.

I also had an aversion to being the chauffeur, baby-sitter, etc. The mother didn't care to plan well, so I became an easy fall back. She would always fail to plan, but wanted me to keep the plan from failing.

My post is based on my experience, your experiences may be quite different from mine.

My friend I've been there too like you have.. Your not alone in this. I completely understand your woes. Dating women with kids and still have their ex-husbands in the picture or not yet money concerns do come up. You as the BF have to feed her and the kids plus if they have a dog also. You are the man of the hour, you have to pick-up the kids, you have to buy food, buy clothes, take out the dog and the trash. Hopefully at the end of the day you can share a romantic time with her. If she's a grand-ma also oh my it gets worst because more attention of hers goes to the smaller babies. Like they say you can't stand the heat get of of the kitchen quickly!

July 2, 2018

I try very hard to keep a wall up between work and my personal life as my work can be all consuming. He has worked for me for 9 months. We have dated for almost two years.

Well if keeping a wall up between work and personal life is important to you then he should not be working for you.

What I have a hard time understanding is that you've had issues with this relationship, he's not a particularly good partner he's a bit on the selfish side, he doesn't like your children and won't hesitate to show anger toward you and them, still you thought hiring him to work for you was a good idea?

I don't think this man has the right temper to be working for his girlfriend. I think it makes him feel inferior and that's why he is so aggressive about doing anything helpful for you.

.

July 2, 2018

So, what else does he get pissed off about? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he has blown his top.

Basically, he sounds like a jerk. He could’ve approached the whole issue in a very different manner.

July 2, 2018

I did ask if he would help me. I did not assume that he would help me. The act of him helping me did not interfere with his personal time. And, yes, part of me felt that since he was helping me during work hours and he does work for me, I did not think it was a big deal for him to help me out in this situation as it did not interfere with his personal time.

I try very hard to keep a wall up between work and my personal life as my work can be all consuming. He has worked for me for 9 months. We have dated for almost two years.

Interesting. I just assumed that because it was a personal favor, it would not be done during work time. It would be more acceptable to me - because it is a personal errand - to do this during personal time. If my girlfriend, who is also my boss, asked me to do a personal errand during work time... I would actually be quite insulted. Either you are his boss, or his girlfriend. It’s hard to be both.

Boundaries are being blurred here, big time.

Edited July 2, 2018 by BaileyB

July 2, 2018

He certainly isn't the partner type... just looking for a place to get his noodle wet and not do anything that might come attached to that...

IMO, dating a woman with kids he should know they are a package deal.

He doesn't want but only part of your life, not the whole deal..

If you marry this guy it will be hell, hell... your kids will hate him and he will resent them.

IMO, time to think about a new BF, one that isn't so selfish...

July 2, 2018

Something about the nature of this topic irks me to the point I've had to deliberate awhile before formulating a rational response.

Don't jump to conclusions about the following relevant revelation from my history of experience with 'dating' women with children produced during their previous relationships, because I don't want to write a book explaining the finer details.

I also know I'm not an inconsiderate "jerk", and this is probably the reason I was played for a fool by at least three former girlfriends. Each one using the lying line "I love you" to garner my compassionate interest in being a prenuptial 'father-figure', an extra paycheck, transportation service, convenient babysitter, and even a stepping stone for one horrible mother to move on to her next man. And, of course, even though I understood they weren't my blood, I had absolutely no say in how the children were raised, yet they were supposed to be a part of the 'package deal' that I had to love and help nurture.

To hell with that BS. After finally waking-up to the reality of my folly, I met a woman with no 'package deal', no angry ex's, and who believed in the Good Lord, as I do. We've been married for 28 years and live exclusively for each other; each motivated by the genuine love in our hearts and souls for each other. None of this filthy lying "I love you" crap with a fake smile on their deceitful faces.

I seriously doubt the OP will ever find such a fulfilling relationship with a man who wants a woman to love him solely for him as he does her, because her children will, and rightfully should, always come first. And her boyfriend needs to move on down the road with his life so he can hopefully meet someone as I eventually did. You can't force real love, no matter how much you sincerely desire it.

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