CloudyHead Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I'd like other's opinions on an event that occurred between myself and my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm 50 and he is 46. We do not live together. His daughter is grown with four children. My kids are 16 and 12 and live with me. I have my own business and BF has worked with me since September. I asked BF three times last week to pick up my son from an event. I was an hour away each day in a meeting. Ex-husband was out of town. My daughter was working. I didn't think asking BF to help me was a big deal as he works for me and he said he would help me. On 2 days that BF helped, BF became angry because my daughter was home when he returned my son home. When I asked my daughter why she was home, she said her employer called her and changed her work hours each morning. When I asked her why she didn't pick up her brother, she answered that she did not even think about picking up her brother. I have no reason to doubt her. I asked BF about why he was so angry. He said that he didn't want a relationship where he had to help all the time because in his past relationships, when he helped his ex-wife or a girlfriend, it didn't count for anything. He said I needed to exhaust my resources for help before asking him. But then he said he didn't mind helping me. I responded that I have never asked for his help in 2 years, had no other options and it eased my mind that he could help me. I was stunned by his reaction and his anger. He has said in the past that he doesn't want a relationship wherein all he does is work on a car, cut grass, fix something at a house, etc. I do not ask for his help. Any insight as to what is going on?
coolheadal Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 He got past drama issues mentally.. You asked him a favor and he got angry at you. So that should tell you got a little toxic BF there. If you want to continue with this guy you are on your own. Taking a huge risk. He's not interested in being a taxis cab and he told you why and you still don't get it.. Listen to him and you will see it not going to do anything for you again like that. Plus it's not his kids, your suppose to do it, but you can't so you asked him. But he use to do it for his other GF and something happen and now he's putting the pressure on you. So your confused to why this happen. Because he has the answer and he told you why. You need to drop it or move on without him as your BF. Frankly as a man myself I don't see any issue doing that favor for you. Things happen and you can't pickup your kids. So you see it's not all men doing this and not getting upset over it. Your daughter is not to blame here nor are you. 3
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I asked BF about why he was so angry. He said that he didn't want a relationship where he had to help all the time because in his past relationships, when he helped his ex-wife or a girlfriend, it didn't count for anything. He said I needed to exhaust my resources for help before asking him. HOLY COW! I would have broken up with him on the spot!!! If you cannot be a help or any type of support in my life then WHY should you be in it at all !! Your boyfriend has unsolved issues from his past, set him free to go figure them out! In my relationship the words *I used to have a bf/gf that did..* are not allowed. We start our life together on a new canvas and don't bring any hick-ups from the past as much as possible. I am sure you do a great deal for this man and he's happy to eat your cooking and sleep in your bed. The least he can do is pick up your child and shut his mouth! . 4
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Here is my working theory... You made him feel like a servant, like he couldn't say "no" to picking up your son. Maybe he tolerates your children but doesn't really like them. Are the children respectful to him?? Do they pull the "You're not my Daddy, I don't have to listen to you" line?? If so, I can understand why he doesn't want to help. Also, he may feel, he is done with raising kids and wants no or minimal exposure to your kids. 1
coolheadal Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Here is my working theory... You made him feel like a servant, like he couldn't say "no" to picking up your son. Maybe he tolerates your children but doesn't really like them. Are the children respectful to him?? Do they pull the "You're not my Daddy, I don't have to listen to you" line?? If so, I can understand why he doesn't want to help. Also, he may feel, he is done with raising kids and wants no or minimal exposure to your kids. Wow what did you say? She didn't do that. He could help I would have done it it I was him. No excuse not to help the woman your with. Her kids are your kids in the end. If your a man and know she needed help he should have offered instead he made up excuse why and what he wanted to do instead. Please really he needs to wake-up he's not even retired yet! 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Her kids are your kids in the end. I respectfully disagree, those kids have a mother and father, exclusive of him. Moreover he is a boyfriend, he is not married to the mother, so he isn't even a step-father. They are NOT his kids in the end. Wow what did you say? She didn't do that. OP also stated this guy works for her, so there is a dynamic of doing as he's told. He may not feel like he had a choice, but to pick up the child if he wants to keep his job. No excuse not to help the woman your with. He doesn't need an excuse, they aren't his kids. He doesn't feel like he has "free will" to say no, because OP is in a position of power as his employer. Please really he needs to wake-up he's not even retired yet! What does being retired have to do with no wanting to pick up the child?? Please explain, I'm confused??
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I respectfully disagree, those kids have a mother and father, exclusive of him. Moreover he is a boyfriend, he is not married to the mother, so he isn't even a step-father. They are NOT his kids in the end. This is not about helping her children, this is about helping *her*. When you love a woman don't you want to make her life easier by doing little things for her? Picking up her child up is about releasing some of HER stress, not about playing step father. They've been dating 2 years, hasn't he grown some affection for these kids? Marriage or not, engagement or not, those are humans beings that are part of his life so he should at least try to *connect* with them and get to know them. There are adult men that devote their life to coaching and making a difference in kids life, strangers kids! and this BF of hers can't grow some sympathy for his GF's flesh and blood. I don't know how OP can date this man. I would not be able to respect a man that wants nothing to do with my child. I would not expect him to become a father but I'd expect him to act like a decent man and help me once in a while and minding his mouth. . 5
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) I'd like other's opinions on an event that occurred between myself and my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm 50 and he is 46. We do not live together. His daughter is grown with four children. My kids are 16 and 12 and live with me. I have my own business and BF has worked with me since September. I asked BF three times last week to pick up my son from an event. I was an hour away each day in a meeting. Ex-husband was out of town. My daughter was working. I didn't think asking BF to help me was a big deal as he works for me and he said he would help me. On 2 days that BF helped, BF became angry because my daughter was home when he returned my son home. When I asked my daughter why she was home, she said her employer called her and changed her work hours each morning. When I asked her why she didn't pick up her brother, she answered that she did not even think about picking up her brother. I have no reason to doubt her. I asked BF about why he was so angry. He said that he didn't want a relationship where he had to help all the time because in his past relationships, when he helped his ex-wife or a girlfriend, it didn't count for anything. He said I needed to exhaust my resources for help before asking him. But then he said he didn't mind helping me. I responded that I have never asked for his help in 2 years, had no other options and it eased my mind that he could help me. I was stunned by his reaction and his anger. He has said in the past that he doesn't want a relationship wherein all he does is work on a car, cut grass, fix something at a house, etc. I do not ask for his help. Any insight as to what is going on? Wow. See, my definition of a relationship is that both partners should want to do things that would make life easier/better for their partner. It's a partnership. To make a comment like that take courage, especially for a man who is on your payroll... What is his relationship history? Has he been in a marriage or a relationship where he considered himself to be "only a paycheck" or primarily responsible for the work around the house? Has he been in a situation where he has been responsible financially or with the care of children who are not his own? Does he feel like he has been taken advantage of by another woman in the past? Edited July 2, 2018 by BaileyB
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 ...minding his mouth. OMG!! So this guy has to do as he is told & keep his mouth shut. In return, he gets the "pleasure" of OP's company, what a deal... 1
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 OMG!! So this guy has to do as he is told & keep his mouth shut. In return, he gets the "pleasure" of OP's company, what a deal... That's all you understood? Do you have children? My daughter can drive people crazy sometimes. Once my BF drove her across the city to pick up her car to realize once there she had forgotten her car keys at my place. He was boiling inside!! but getting mad at her or at me would have accomplished what? He came back home, he said he was very annoyed at her for what happened and wanted some time alone to decompress. He did not go on and on about it and he didn't put her down in front of me! THAT type of speech has no place in my life! 1
HiCrunchy Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 He totally over reacted. I mean what do u expect when dating a person with children? The children are going to be a part of ur life, sure he wont be their dad but as an adult figure in their home must take responsibility at times. If he didn't want to deal with children, date a childless woman... 3
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I asked BF about why he was so angry. He said that he didn't want a relationship where he had to help all the time because in his past relationships, when he helped his ex-wife or a girlfriend, it didn't count for anything. He said I needed to exhaust my resources for help before asking him. But then he said he didn't mind helping me. I was stunned by his reaction and his anger. He has said in the past that he doesn't want a relationship wherein all he does is work on a car, cut grass, fix something at a house, etc. Any insight as to what is going on? He's keeping score and he's punishing you for what his choice of exes did and that's not fair. Asking him to pick up your son, someone he's been knowing for 2 years, is not unreasonable. And no, you don't need to exhaust your resources for help with someone you've been in a relationship for 2 years. You aren't asking him to pay for a vacation. This would cause me to take a step back and reassess the wisdom in being with someone like this. Would it have been nice if your daughter could pick up her brother? Of course, but if she didn't know until after you'd made plans that she would be available to do it, then it's unreasonable to think you should have read her mind and made the adjustment. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 He's punishing you for somebody else's sins. I'd never ask him for help with anything again & I'd stop employing him. Once at arm's length I'd have to think long & hard about whether I would want to continue in a relationship. 2
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) Here is my working theory... You made him feel like a servant, like he couldn't say "no" to picking up your son. Maybe he tolerates your children but doesn't really like them. Are the children respectful to him?? Do they pull the "You're not my Daddy, I don't have to listen to you" line?? If so, I can understand why he doesn't want to help. Also, he may feel, he is done with raising kids and wants no or minimal exposure to your kids. Wow, this is a lot of projection and speculation and nowhere in OP's thread did any of this even get alluded to. OP--is this the first time he's said/done this or has he been doing this score keeping and this is the most egregious he's gotten with it? Edited July 2, 2018 by kendahke 1
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Do you have children? No kids, never married and quite happy!! I tried to date a single mother, once. It was a disaster. Never did that again. Kids became #1 on my "deal breaker" list. Plenty of women out there without kids. NEXT!! 1
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Your boyfriend needs to break up with you and date someone he doesn't work for and who doesn't have kids. You two are not compatible. 2
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 No kids, never married and quite happy!! I tried to date a single mother, once. It was a disaster. Never did that again. Kids became #1 on my "deal breaker" list. Plenty of women out there without kids. NEXT!! Both OP and her BF have children so why do you participate in this thread if you can't understand, or accept, the dynamic of dating with children? 2
Author CloudyHead Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 I had a talk with BF about this issue because his reaction really bothered me. His response is that he doesn't mind helping me BUT he's not going to be a nanny, pick up my dry cleaning, do my grocery shopping, cut my grass, etc. I told him that I have NEVER asked him to do these things for me and have no intention of asking his help in the future. I did not understand why he even assumed that I would ask his help as I have rarely asked for his help in the past. He alluded to helping his ex-wife and a girlfriend from the past and how helping was expected by these women and they did not appreciate his help. I explained to him that he was helping me - not someone else. I also reminded him that I did thank him for his help and I really appreciated it. I told him that if I had known that my daughter's work hours had changed, then she would have picked up her brother but I did not know! I told him that I was having a difficult time dealing with this issue. He said I was making a big deal out of it.
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 He alluded to helping his ex-wife Because he considers picking up dry cleaning, grocery shopping and cutting grass, is doing a favor to his wife back then???? Next time he's at your place tell him to fix his own dinner, that you've done it for your ex and he didn't appreciate your cooking so you don't cook for any man anymore. 3
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Both OP and her BF have children so why do you participate in this thread if you can't understand, or accept, the dynamic of dating with children? OP stated his kids were grown, he is probably done with the child-rearing aspect of his life. I dated a single mom, I know how the boyfriend feels. I was forced to do things & buy things for a child that was not mine and took exception. I can both understand and empathize with the OP's boyfriend. The single mom in my situations felt like I should do as I was told and "mind my mouth" for the pleasure of her company. Yea, sure... NEXT!! 1
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Would it have been nice if your daughter could pick up her brother? Of course, but if she didn't know until after you'd made plans that she would be available to do it, then it's unreasonable to think you should have read her mind and made the adjustment. Also, unreasonable to expect your daughter to ALWAYS be the one to pick up your son, especially when you have another grown adult with a drivers license who is also available to help. It's nice that daughter helps, I did that for my brother to help my parents. But, it is not her responsibility to help if you are not available... you are certainly not wrong for asking him to step up and help occasionally. As someone who cares for your children, I would expect that he would want to help occasionally... I certainly do the same for my boyfriend.
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 OP stated his kids were grown, he is probably done with the child-rearing aspect of his life. The children age has no importance, we are parents for life. Remember my story about my BF driving my daughter through the city? well my daughter is 30 years old. When kids are little it's about raising them, when they're teens it's about guiding them, and once they're adults it's about supporting them morally, giving them advice, being there through their heartbreaks and yes, it's about driving them through town, fixing their car, being a parent never stops. I dated a single mom, I know how the boyfriend feels. I was forced to do things & buy things for a child that was not mine and took exception. I can both understand and empathize with the OP's boyfriend. The single mom in my situations felt like I should do as I was told and "mind my mouth" for the pleasure of her company. Yea, sure... NEXT!! You felt *forced* because you are not a parent. That is why when we're a parent it's better to date another parent, because we understand and view things on a different level. I am a parent and I don't feel *forced* to buy b'day gift to my BF's kids, and I don't feel forced to spend time with them, help them, get interested in their life, it's actually a privilege to be part of their life. 1
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 His daughter is grown with four children. I'm curious, how is his relationship with his adult daughter? Is she an active part of his life?
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 well my daughter is 30 years old. There is a HUGE difference between a 30 year old and a 12 year old. OP's son is 12.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I had a talk with BF about this issue because his reaction really bothered me. His response is that he doesn't mind helping me BUT he's not going to be a nanny, pick up my dry cleaning, do my grocery shopping, cut my grass, etc. I told him that I have NEVER asked him to do these things for me and have no intention of asking his help in the future. I did not understand why he even assumed that I would ask his help as I have rarely asked for his help in the past. He alluded to helping his ex-wife and a girlfriend from the past and how helping was expected by these women and they did not appreciate his help. I explained to him that he was helping me - not someone else. I also reminded him that I did thank him for his help and I really appreciated it. I told him that if I had known that my daughter's work hours had changed, then she would have picked up her brother but I did not know! I told him that I was having a difficult time dealing with this issue. He said I was making a big deal out of it. Do you live together OP? If not, what would he consider to be each of your roles related to the division of labour in a household? Would he consider cutting the grass or cleaning the dishes to be "helping" around the home? To me, this offers insight into his character. It certainly doesn't demonstrate the virtues of kindness or generosity - two things important to me in a relationship. It's also not show consideration to your feelings, or compassion for your children. His response would bother me too. 2
Recommended Posts