Garcon1986 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Hi, just started a new thread because my questions got buried in previous thread. I want to start off by thanking all those who wrote me back, and want to say that I learned my lesson and will be extremely firm with my parents the next time the opportunity comes to bring my girlfriend to their house. I do have some unanswered questions though: How do I recognize emotional manipulation early and stop it? It's a bit rough for me to be with a lady who cries to get her way, and says there is no compromise (specifically this was a discussion on whether I loved her or not). I can't live with someone who refuses to grow/ improve herself. I do however believe there is a compromise, where two partners can organically grow with time and complement each other's strengths and weaknesses. Where is a good balance between the two? How do you speak about a prenuptial agreement in a socially acceptable fashion? Or use some other method to get the same effect? I'm a bit nervous about this because I have a good friend who got divorced from a physically abusive wife, who now pays a huge amount of money in alimony and court fees. He's just making ends meet even with a full time cardiology salary. When you speak with a girlfriend who wants you to be transparent, but keeps on accusing you of being not transparent, what's wrong here? All those nights expressing my thoughts didn't count? I really appreciated it though, when she was transparent with me. It meant I didn't have to guess at all, to what she was thinking. I really resent it when women play the what am I thinking game and get irritated when I guess wrong. How do you avoid arousing a woman's need to flip through my cellphone? My previous relationship ended when my old ex woke up in the middle of the night and read my entire gmail. My most recent relationship's worst aspect was her need to always see my cellphone when we were together. She would complain if I talked too long to my parents (and she called at the same time). She would accuse me of texting other girls if I was stopped at a red light in the car (and we drove two cars). She would immediately asked me "what are you hiding?", if I tried to take my cellphone with me to a restaurant restroom. It became the never ending pleading of innocence. Thanks to the Loveshack audience.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) Dude, your questions are so off the point ... You're asking questions like these: How do I convince a woman who pulls out a 12-gauge shotgun on me in the mornings ... that a gun threat isn't good for our relationship. ... and ...How do I convince a bear that although I look like good food, I really don't want him to eat me? ... How can I get my car to hit the brick wall at 70 mph but not cave in? That's how impossible your questions are. Every one of them. The real questions are: how did you let yourself get so intimidated by this woman? ... Why are you staying in a relationship that is miserable and manipulative and unhealthy in so many ways? ... Why are you so terrified of leaving this woman? ... Why are you so willing to collaborate and accept avoidable misery ... You are being emotionally bullied ... one does not negotiate with the bully ... one has to stand up to the bully ... and in this case "stand up" means get the heck outta the bullyship ... I mean, relationship. Way past time for you to get to therapy to work on your esteem and on relationships ... Please, please, do NOT marry this person. Edited July 2, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2
Lotsgoingon Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 No one else has replied so ... I'll provide you with more encouraging words this time. First, let me apologize ... I misread your note ... I didn't realize you had gotten out of the previous relationship ... Your title is quite clear ... You want to learn as you move on .... I love it! ... So my broad answer to all of your questions is that you want to change your understanding of dating. Right now, it appears that you lose your voice when someone makes an unfair accusation or engages in destructive behavior. You want to regain your voice. You seem blocked by an illusion: that you can negotiate with extremely destructive behavior. That's an illusion. So you need to keep in mind: the goal of dating is to find a partner who is a good fit for you. Literally that's it. Someone who makes you feel great ... who builds you up ... whose acts inspire you ... and who you're strongly attracted to ... On the flip side, someone you like encouraging ... who inspires you ... that you like building up, etc. You are focused perhaps too much on making the relationship work. That's not the goal at the start... for say the first six months. The goal at the start is to screen out and wave away people who are clearly not a good fit for you. To your specific questions: How to recognize emotional manipulation early and stop it? ... You recognize it ... and run ... you don't try to stop it. Back to the goal: you're trying to find a person who is a good fit for you. You end the relationship. Maybe if you're generous, you call out this manipulative immediately ... and you make clear you do not want to date someone who does this. Manipulation is deep behavior ... often unchangeable (in part because emotionally manipulative people are too self-centered to step back and criticize themselves) ... A conversation by a partner has as much chance as stopping this drive to manipulate as a conversation has a chance of stopping a moving truck. Seriously ... and literally! On finding someone into person growth: You look for someone who makes growth (not talk about growth) a central part of their life. You're looking for evidence that the person reads growth books, regularly attends yoga class or regularly meditates ... exercises, etc ... Not just "I wanna do x." But that they do x. And you're looking for someone who shouts your praises when she hears what you do for growth. Just pay attention and ask questions. You can even say to someone on a date. "I'm seriously into personal growth doing X, Y and Z. What about you?" On being accused of not being transparent: The first time someone accuses you of something that is not fair, you have to stop right then and there. Pull over the side of the road if you're driving. Cancel movie whatever! ... and (nonviolently) fight this out until you make clear consider such suspicion to be acceptable behavior. On a woman flipping through your cell phone: This again will be covered under the "only date reasonable people" behavior you want to embrace. You don't tolerate this ... you make that clear. Period. Behavior continues, you end the relationship ... because that behavior is not gonna stop ... ever! Summary: You sound like a really reasonable and flexible guy ... but I sense your naivete is getting in the way ... You want to avoid getting into the cage with predators and manipulators ... These people do NOT negotiate once you're in the cage with them. Here's a cruel truth: until you learn to say no and break up with people, an emotionally abusive person can sense that you are not gonna stand up for yourself ... and so they put you on the defensive. You want to google the terms "boundaries" and "setting boundaries" ... your sense of powerless will be discussed if you google those topics. You might also consider therapy ... because you have a sense of powerlessness that apparently paralyzes you when people act crazy on you. Get to a really great therapist and work on that ... on setting boundaries. Likely this is a behavior you learned in your family growing up ... but that passiveness doesn't work for finding a healthy adult relationship. Good luck.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I would say, you listen to what they say and more importantly, watch what they do... Does your partner treat you with kindness and respect? Are they generous or demanding? Do they give as well as receive? Are they able to manage their own affairs - both logistically, financially, and emotionally? Relationships are supposed to make you feel good. The best partners make you feel good about yourself and bring something special to your life. I would also suggest counselling, to learn how to set healthy boundaries and determine what is healthy and important to find in a partner. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Somewhere somehow you are picking the wrong people. I have never had somebody snoop, nor have I snooped, barring you know opening the medicine cabinet in the bathroom lol. The only one of your Qs that I can answer is the one about the prenup. I brought it up to my FI. I was the one coming into the marriage with more assets. He expected that I'd want such an agreement. Basically what I said was Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. I'd rather talk about these tough subjects now when we are happy & want things to work. I can't imagine trying to sort this stuff out later on top of hurt feelings. FWIW I think the exercise of putting together the pre-nup with all the disclosures & the tough discussions that forced was one of the best pre-marital exercises we did. I felt it was a great inoculator against divorce because it taught us how to work together & to not be afraid to discuss the difficult issues which often make people squeamish.
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