whatwhit Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) Hello LS! I wanted to see if anyone has ever dealt with abandonment issues? If you did how did you overcome it? I’m in a new relationship and I feel like my abandonment issues could lead to issues in my relationship. As many of you know or don’t know abandonment Issues result in overthinking, insecurity, and paranoia. Thankfully I haven’t reacted to it to him I usually call my mom when I have a freak out episode, but it has left me crippled emotionally and mentally. My bf is a teacher and I was excited for him to be off in the summer. He decided to take on a job to help out with money, and I learned a few days ago that it will cut into our hang out time. Maybe even our first Fourth of July. Last night was his first day at the job, they were setting up the new store. I knew that he didn’t sleep well at my place the night before, still got up at 6AM to go run, and then worked from 9 til 9 that night. He lives 30 mins away, told me after work that he would come over, but never did - he fell asleep. I know this cause I got worried cause it’s was late at night, we talk on Snapchat and he hadn’t opened my message. I got worried and I know it’s crazy cause but I drove by his house and he was home - I knew if he wasn’t I would freak and would’ve like I was being ignored even though there’s no reason for me to think that. . But my mind went crazy. Thinking he was ignoring me when deep down I knew that’s not the case. I also got jealous ( didn’t react to him just internally ) cause there’s an attractive coworker he works with. I know this because his manager is his friend and they were making jokes about how his manager will hit on her. I know these thoughts are crazy and I suppose the positive thing is that I am aware of it. Please nice comments only not looking to be scolded. I know my boyfriend is a good guy I just need help getting my emotions and mentality in check. Edited July 1, 2018 by whatwhit
warp123 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 you will scare him away calm down and let things flow
Fair Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Relationships are anxiety inducing no matter what. I doubt there is anyone who is totally relaxed about their relationship especially if it's new and basically still fragile. It would help if everyone would admit, men and women alike, that they don't ALL suffer from fears of abandonment. I'm not sure this is a 'problem' so much as normal. Maybe some people feel it to greater degrees but some people feel emotion in general more strongly than others. There's nothing worse than feeling like you're broken somehow, on top of having relationship anxiety. Nothing like beating yourself up for something you can't help adding pain upon pain. I sympathize with your feelings. Unfortunately, only time will tell how this will play out. You can only do the best you can. Just remember not to blame yourself for everything out of feeling your feelings are wrong. If he turns out to be a jerk in the end, that will be on him, not you. I hope the best for you. 1
heavenonearth Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I have really bad abandonment issues and the only thing i can advise you is to get into therapy. I have done Schema therapy and it’s been helpful.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Kudos to you for not taking these issues out on him, OP. Many in your shoes would have, so it takes a good dose of self-awareness to realize they are in fact your issues and find another way to soothe yourself. While driving by his house and calling Mom aren't exactly sustainable coping mechanisms in the long-run, I feel you deserve a little credit for not projecting this onto him or otherwise making him bear the brunt of it. Next, you need to identify where these fears come from. When and where did you start believing that you were not good enough and that loved ones will leave? It might not be a specific episode or person that triggered this, but my guess is that you've had some formative experiences that have resulted in your current anxieties. Once you figure out the real root of this problem, you can work on tackling that - which will also likely result in a more peaceful relationship experience for you. 2
Fair Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 [quote=ExpatInItaly;7590966 Next, you need to identify where these fears come from. When and where did you start believing that you were not good enough and that loved ones will leave? It might not be a specific episode or person that triggered this, but my guess is that you've had some formative experiences that have resulted in your current anxieties. Once you figure out the real root of this problem, you can work on tackling that - which will also likely result in a more peaceful relationship experience for you. OP, I don't know what gives you 'abandonment' issues... as you call them. But I think it's important to differentiate between 'issues' with the self, and the normal anxieties that come from starting new relationships. We all have that, but that doesn't mean there's something dysfunctional about us, necessarily. Maybe in your case you were traumatized in some way... you haven't said. But just be careful when it comes to how harshly you judge yourself. I say this because we women are socialized to believe every emotion we have is irrational and based in hysteria and that we need counselling while by contrast men are all self possessed and every emotion they have is logical. So much so that women ignore their instincts when it comes to men far too often and end up getting duped.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 When you find the right person, you will not have abandonment issues. I was anxiety ridden after a guy dumped me even though he wanted a relationship. From then on, I had anxiety and was dumped/ghosted a few times. I discovered these were not the right guys. When I met my bf, I had serious anxiety, but that melted away once I saw he was there to stay. Give this time, don't worry about it, if he abandons you, he wasn't all that in love in the 1st place. Worrying will chase him away and won't give you any control. 2
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 abandonment issues how did you overcome it? . Therapy. This is not a healthy mindset and it's one that will sink your relationship faster than most anything else outside of cheating.
Fair Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) When you find the right person' date=' you will not have abandonment issues. I was anxiety ridden after a guy dumped me even though he wanted a relationship. From then on, I had anxiety and was dumped/ghosted a few times. I discovered these were not the right guys. When I met my bf, I had serious anxiety, but that melted away once I saw he was there to stay. Give this time, don't worry about it, if he abandons you, he wasn't all that in love in the 1st place. Worrying will chase him away and won't give you any control.[/quote'] Yes! I agree 100 per cent the right will show up in such a way that you will not have these issues. If you find yourself driving by his house... perhaps he's not the right match and something is off and deep down you know it. I've always believed that with the right man you will have no doubts and feel safe in a way no one else has made you feel before. Edited July 2, 2018 by Fair
Lotsgoingon Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry to complicate your honest self-criticism here ... but I don't think all your abandonment fears are out of line. Bf said he would come by ... he didn't come by ... OK ... that happens ... but he does not even call ... oh no, sister ... I don't care how tired you are ... These days people expect a call, a text, something ... five minutes worth ... even tired ... "hey, I'm exhausted. I'm driving home. Can't come over. love you." OK, you driving over there to his house is a bit extreme ... but frankly, I think that was a healthier move than sitting at home bottling up all your fears and being paralyzed. Way better! I have been on both sides of feeling "insecure" in a relationship. I've had partners that told me they felt insecure ... And I dated a woman who set off some of my alarms ... From being on both sides ... I have revised my view of what it means when people report "insecurities." ... I now think that when people feel insecure in a relationship ... or when something sets off their fears like this incident with your bf ... there's at least a 50-50 chance that the person they are dating is less committed to the relationship than they are. Ambivalent partners are maddeningly hard to identify ... because they're not jerks ... they give gifts ... they take you out for your birthday ... they clear out available weekend nights for you ... But they run late a little too often ... are just a little too slow to take the initiative to see the other person ... just a little less open and effusive about their feelings towards the other person. The body language of ambivalent people is not I'm in heaven being with you. Their body language is more "Yeah, I'm here ... it's good to see you." ... There IS a difference! And oh my, I used "tired" when I was ambivalent ... as did my ex when she ambivalent. I wanna see you. I'm just tired. I may be full of nonsense here ... but I wanted to offer a different perspective. These days if someone tells me they're feeling insecure in a relationship, my gut response is to tell them to trust that feeling, not dismiss it. BTW: if you really have abandonment stuff ... yes, go to therapy ... but also go practical ... if you know you have that issue, then you have to find a man who knows he needs to contact you no matter what! ... Edited July 2, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
Fair Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I'm sorry to complicate your honest self-criticism here ... but I don't think all your abandonment fears are out of line. Bf said he would come by ... he didn't come by ... OK ... that happens ... but he does not even call ... oh no, sister ... I don't care how tired you are ... These days people expect a call, a text, something ... five minutes worth ... even tired ... "hey, I'm exhausted. I'm driving home. Can't come over. love you." OK, you driving over there to his house is a bit extreme ... but frankly, I think that was a healthier move than sitting at home bottling up all your fears and being paralyzed. Way better! I have been on both sides of feeling "insecure" in a relationship. I've had partners that told me they felt insecure ... And I dated a woman who set off some of my alarms ... From being on both sides ... I have revised my view of what it means when people report "insecurities." ... I now think that when people feel insecure in a relationship ... or when something sets off their fears like this incident with your bf ... there's at least a 50-50 chance that the person they are dating is less committed to the relationship than they are. Ambivalent partners are maddeningly hard to identify ... because they're not jerks ... they give gifts ... they take you out for your birthday ... they clear out available weekend nights for you ... But they run late a little too often ... are just a little too slow to take the initiative to see the other person ... just a little less open and effusive about their feelings towards the other person. The body language of ambivalent people is not I'm in heaven being with you. Their body language is more "Yeah, I'm here ... it's good to see you." ... There IS a difference! And oh my, I used "tired" when I was ambivalent ... as did my ex when she ambivalent. I wanna see you. I'm just tired. I may be full of nonsense here ... but I wanted to offer a different perspective. These days if someone tells me they're feeling insecure in a relationship, my gut response is to tell them to trust that feeling, not dismiss it. BTW: if you really have abandonment stuff ... yes, go to therapy ... but also go practical ... if you know you have that issue, then you have to find a man who knows he needs to contact you no matter what! ... Very well said. 1
Author whatwhit Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 Thank you everyone for your replies. I believe I have abandonment issues/ anxiety. I was bullied growing up and have had a lot of boyfriends leave me. I suppose a quick update, he does still try to communicate during this job, the night I drove by his house I found out that he thought he had called me tell me that he was too tired, and apologized he called me last night asking to see me so I got to see him last night. I started getting this paralyzing fear when he started this new job. I am trying to be the cool girlfriend about it . . he seems excited about it, and after learning that he has financial issues I’ve learned this is more of a need than just something to do. I found this out when we had our argument about this job. He was trying to stay positive saying that he could see me after work and stay the night - that he won’t have to work every weekend and that the first two weeks will be the busiest. I was thinking of worse case scenarios ie. never getting to see him and no weekends. I know this job will be mostly for the summer, he goes back to teaching next month, and then may pick up a shift here and there. Is a busy job a reason to end a relationship? How can I stop my anxiety about needing to see him everyday.
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) I found this out when we had our argument about this job. Whatever it takes, you need to stop doing this. If given the choice between him being able to afford to support himself and him spending that time keeping you company, most men are going to choose the job because being able to provide for himself and afford his life is extremely important to most well adjusted men. Now, if he sat around the house in his shorts playing Call of Duty and was quite fine with you giving him money to pay for your dates, would that be a better option for you? How can I stop my anxiety about needing to see him everyday. Make an appointment with a therapist. At the end of the day, this is your heavy lift, not his. He's tending to his heavy lift right now. Use the time you now have since he's working a lot to make that call and to go talk to the therapist. They will help you develop techniques on how to manage it and self-soothe or they will refer you to a psychiatrist to put you on meds to control it until you can master the above mentioned techniques. In the meantime, you need to rein in your expectations that he be your constant soothe. Expectations are future resentments under construction--and you're beginning to erect your resentment monument. Edited July 2, 2018 by kendahke 1
heavenonearth Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Thank you everyone for your replies. I believe I have abandonment issues/ anxiety. I was bullied growing up and have had a lot of boyfriends leave me. I suppose a quick update, he does still try to communicate during this job, the night I drove by his house I found out that he thought he had called me tell me that he was too tired, and apologized he called me last night asking to see me so I got to see him last night. I started getting this paralyzing fear when he started this new job. I am trying to be the cool girlfriend about it . . he seems excited about it, and after learning that he has financial issues I’ve learned this is more of a need than just something to do. I found this out when we had our argument about this job. He was trying to stay positive saying that he could see me after work and stay the night - that he won’t have to work every weekend and that the first two weeks will be the busiest. I was thinking of worse case scenarios ie. never getting to see him and no weekends. I know this job will be mostly for the summer, he goes back to teaching next month, and then may pick up a shift here and there. Is a busy job a reason to end a relationship? How can I stop my anxiety about needing to see him everyday. As mentioned above, you should go see a therapist, try to read up on schema therapy and see if you can find a good therapist who works with CBT/schema therapy, and can help you with your anxiety. A busy job is not a reason to end a relationship, especially not if the job is temporary! It seems you focus too much on HIM and faults in the situation, and you don't really want to work on your anxiety.
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I guess I don't understand abandonment issues as it relates to a partner. I feel if you two are together it's going to stay that way until one of you messes up. I would understand a child fearing abandonment but not an adult. I don't want to be so independent on anyone that I'm deathly afraid to lose them. Also that is too much pressure to put on a relationship. Maybe "abandonment issue" people should seek therapy before entering a relationship. 2
Author whatwhit Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 Well everyone! I am happy to say that I scheduled my first therapy session for next Monday. Feeling better already that I’m doing something for myself! 2
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Well everyone! I am happy to say that I scheduled my first therapy session for next Monday. Feeling better already that I’m doing something for myself! Good move. It will pay off in the long run and give you tools you can use in the future.
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I am glad you took an appointment with a therapist. What helps with anxiety is the art of *letting go*. Anxious people think that by worrying they have some type of control over the situation, you need to let go of that belief. What will be, will be, and you'll be just fine. If you like to read I suggest The Giant Within of Anthony Robins that book helped me go through a very difficult separation where I had lost not only the man I loved but our house and a job. Let me tell you I was at the bottom of the barrel and that book saved my life. Now I see things very differently. I understand I have no control over someone loving me or not, and if they leave I will be just fine! I will move on and I'll find love again because we humans are strong and resilient. People have had their hearts broken since the beginning of times and it didn't kill our species.
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