Eternal Sunshine Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I would not dump a guy over not paying but I understand where OP is coming from. I always pull out my wallet. If I have eaten, used any service or done anything that requires a payment regardless who I am with, I expect to pay. The thing is, if another person doesn't do the same and it happens more than once or twice, I will start feeling taken advantage of. Especially if I tell them "I got this, you get the next one" and they don't get the next one. Not offering to pay (at least for yourself) is simply inconsiderate, regardless of the sex.
basil67 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) I would not dump a guy over not paying but I understand where OP is coming from. I always pull out my wallet. If I have eaten, used any service or done anything that requires a payment regardless who I am with, I expect to pay. The thing is, if another person doesn't do the same and it happens more than once or twice, I will start feeling taken advantage of. Especially if I tell them "I got this, you get the next one" and they don't get the next one. Not offering to pay (at least for yourself) is simply inconsiderate, regardless of the sex. But why would you get your wallet out if you'd both agreed that you were taking turns? With the exception of a super expensive meal, I wouldn't offer to pay for myself if I paid for both of us last time. Edited July 2, 2018 by basil67 2
act00 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 With the gas situation, I can understand your feelings, but at the same time, some better communication is in order or you take the lead. Pulling out your wallet out of habit, you could have stopped, put it back, and say, "I forgot, you said you'd cover this. Even before the trip, express your inability to cover the cost of such a trip. Either don't plan the trip or allow your BF to cover a bulk of the cost...or wait until a time you can cover 50%, and some extra in case you end up paying for more than expected. Also keep in mind how often your boyfriend covers the cost of dates and meals the rest of the time. I'm going to assume in this situation, he had paid a majority of the time during your relationship, so it's not like he was being selfish or uncaring. Consider his other actions as well. In this case, this BF seemed uncaring as a whole in the relationship, so this gas situation seems like it just compounded an already existing situation. This ONE situation of gas is a little over the top unrealistic, but when you consider other actions as a whole in the relationship, I can understand you feeling put out and he was being selfish, especially knowing your financial situation. I'll give you this one. I think with future relationships, you (and probably he) can improve upon communication. You can't expect people to be mind readers and they'll accept your offers at face value. Don't be afraid to put your wallet away with the comment, "You said you'd cover this. Do you want me to get us a couple drinks for the road?" (Notice this allows you to do something nice as a token of thanks, but spend a lot less money in the process)
Lorenza Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Once again, why can't people take some responsibility and act in a way that leads to the desired outcome? Why leave it all up to your partner to make it right, when you have the possibility to influence the situation just as easily? "I don't want to pay this time. But I will offer to pay anyway, and it's up to him to not accept it". That makes 0 sense. You need to quit acting like a martyr, unless you want to sabotage every single relationship you're in. Same goes for the situation on Christmas time. Stop putting guys through sh*t tests. 3
Lorenza Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Just wanted to add that this petty type of "if he cared, he wouldn't do X" can go on forever - if he cared, he wouldn't let me eat that bag of chips, which is unhealthy for me. If he cared he wouldn't accept my offer to help him do his laundry, cause he knows I should be studying for my test. If he cared, he wouldn't agree with me when I said that the actress is hot, cause he should know I'd get insecure. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Stuff like this should just flow naturally. Or naturally enough for me not to notice. If I need to explain myself a lot, like I want you to do X but you did Y, it’s a sign of larger incompatibility. It’s never been fixed for me by just speaking up because there will be 99 instances of similar stuff in the future. I have the same criteria for friendships so I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all.
lurker74 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Most strife in a relationship is about communication, specifically the lack thereof. That is 90% of your problem...you feel strongly about something but don't communicate it. Then, when the guy guesses wrong (or simply doesn't know), he gets in trouble. Let me give you an example of this girl I dated a couple years ago. I like to dance...I'm not great but it doesn't matter...it's fun to me. This woman did not like to dance. I knew that. But we were with friends at a bar one night and had a few pops...some music was playing an some song came on and I grabbed my GF and started dancing with her. All our friends were hoopin and hollarin but my GF was losing her mind. We broke up that night. The reason is because I thought she didn't like dancing when what she really meant was: "I would rather die than dance in public." It was a failure of communication...on both our parts. So if you are anxious about meeting his family, be honest. If you don't want or can't pay for the gas, communicate that. It's one thing to be polite with friends but with your lover it is INCUMBENT on you to communicate. Also, you should work on your anxiety. You probably already are but you may need outside help. Ten months is plenty of time to meet the parents. The idea that you would be together that long and not feel comfortable on Christmas Eve with your BF indicates that your anxiety is taking over. And that anxiety, especially with your poor communication skills, will consistently torpedo relationships. So in answer to your question, Are you unrealistic and too demanding? Yes, you are. You are unrealistically demanding that your BF read your mind and do everything right to overcome your internal anxiety. No person can put up with that indefinitely. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or can't overcome this...it means you need to be honest with your next BF and more importantly, be honest with yourself. 2
Els Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I thought I was going out of my way for him. I drove 200 miles to get him his bday present which he really wanted, and spent almost entire monthly salary (well, my miserable salary). Well, even THIS is on you. You do something bizarrely over-the-top for a man you've only been dating for a few months, and then silently expect him to return the over-the-top gesture in a time and manner of your choosing. Obviously, you end up disappointed, but then you turn that disappointment around on him and blow up over it. To be perfectly honest, you sound like a perfect nightmare to date, I don't blame your bf at all for breaking up with you. Next time, don't spend your entire monthly salary on ANYONE's birthday present (seriously, even long term couples don't do this, I would be horrified if my SO did), and don't drive 200 miles to bring it to them. Instead, take that time and effort and spend it on learning to respond in a reasonable manner and learning to communicate better. 1
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) Well, even THIS is on you. You do something bizarrely over-the-top for a man you've only been dating for a few months, and then silently expect him to return the over-the-top gesture in a time and manner of your choosing. Obviously, you end up disappointed, but then you turn that disappointment around on him and blow up over it. To be perfectly honest, you sound like a perfect nightmare to date, I don't blame your bf at all for breaking up with you. Next time, don't spend your entire monthly salary on ANYONE's birthday present (seriously, even long term couples don't do this, I would be horrified if my SO did), and don't drive 200 miles to bring it to them. Instead, take that time and effort and spend it on learning to respond in a reasonable manner and learning to communicate better. Well, he did something nice for my bday, i mean he put some effort and money (probably the same amount,as i did). The difference is that the amount is my monthly salary (but I work one/two days a week). So for me it was going out of my way, for him not so much. And I was totally grateful for whatever he did for my bday. How I felt in that relationship is that he wouldn't go out of his way for me. He liked to spend time with me for sure, but only when he had nothing else to do. And btw. I broke up with him not the other way around. The reason: I didn't feel like he truly cared about me. And while i agree that I overreacted for Christmas day, here is an example of how my other ex bf acted on Christmas day. I worked till late, the day before Christmas eve and was tired. This ex insisted I came over to his place and though hesitant I did as he asked me to. In the morning, (he bought a Christmas tree for the first time in his life) he put a present under the tree and wanted to make it special. Later in the day, he went to see his mom and family, but also gave me asn option to stay at his apartment and he would come back later to spend more time with me. For me, that was thoughtful and he planned his day to balance and include everyone. buying a tree just to put my present under was unnecessary but definitely melted my heart. That's all I ask, little consideration. Also, at the time I was 22 and this guy was making way more money than me, and would let me pay only small bills(20-30$). Anything closer t o100$, no way. He tried to do this in a way that wasn't too obvious but I soon figured out what he was doing. I don't expect, nor would i like for someone to treat me this way now that I am 30 but grabbing my credit cards when he knows I stopped working to go back to school and I was struggling to pay for that last semester... Edited July 2, 2018 by Lagoon1212
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 And while i agree that I overreacted for Christmas day, here is an example of how my other ex bf acted on Christmas day. I worked till late, the day before Christmas eve and was tired. This ex insisted I came over to his place and though hesitant I did as he asked me to. In the morning, (he bought a Christmas tree for the first time in his life) he put a present under the tree and wanted to make it special. Later in the day, he went to see his mom and family, but also gave me asn option to stay at his apartment and he would come back later to spend more time with me. For me, that was thoughtful and he planned his day to balance and include everyone. buying a tree just to put my present under was unnecessary but definitely melted my heart. That's all I ask, little consideration. Also, at the time I was 22 and this guy was making way more money than me, and would let me pay only small bills(20-30$). Anything closer t o100$, no way. He tried to do this in a way that wasn't too obvious but I soon figured out what he was doing. I don't expect, nor would i like for someone to treat me this way now that I am 30 but grabbing my credit cards when he knows I stopped working to go back to school and I was struggling to pay for that last semester... Why don't you date your ex if he got it right every time?
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 Why don't you date your ex if he got it right every time? He got married in meantime
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Posted July 2, 2018 And why did you break up? I moved to another state.
introverted1 Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 That's all I ask, little consideration. I dunno. You came here asking if you are too demanding and unrealistic and everyone (save one poster) has said that Yes, you are. It strikes me that you want a lot more than a little consideration by most people's standards. 3
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 3, 2018 Author Posted July 3, 2018 I dunno. You came here asking if you are too demanding and unrealistic and everyone (save one poster) has said that Yes, you are. It strikes me that you want a lot more than a little consideration by most people's standards. I am definitely taking what everyone said into consideration. I am just trying to explain/describe my point of view. I am not saying i am right, it is just that this point of view is what put me in my current situation.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Lagoon, I think your job is easy. The way most of us see it here ... you just need to stop sabotaging yourself. You need to merely not pull out your credit card when you don't want to pull out your credit card ... and when you're gonna be mad if the person accepts your credit card in place of theirs. We're actually telling you that you can easily ask for more and better treatment ... but quit interfering when the better treatment is on the way. Pause and let the other person take care of things in the moment. If they don't pull out their card when you think they should, have the fight right then and there. Don't stew on it. Fight right there. The irony of all of this ... is that people actually respect others who tell them exactly what their demands are, no matter how outrageous the demands may seem ... It's like the women who say that a guy who is honest about just wanting sex is easier to deal with than a guy who pretends he wants a relationship but really only wants sex. I once dated a fabulous woman who on our second date told me she expected me to take her out to dinners and movies and to always pay ... That was totally against my "policy" at the time ... but this was a fabulous woman ... and of course ... sure, I paid ... except when I was broke and she happily paid ... and I couldn't step into her apartment without her wanting to cook me a fabulous meal ... For whatever reason, this woman needed me to commit to paying for her ... all the time ... even though she had no intention of having me pay for every outing. For one, she knew I made less money than she made at the time. I didn't resent her one bit ... because she was clear ... I could take it or leave it ... I chose to stay with her and it was a blast. (We broke up after I moved far away for a job opportunity.) When people are up front about their standards and expectations, that comes off as highly confident and attractive ... And once the standard is clear ... people will sometimes go beyond the standard ... and give you more ... but only if they know your standard. Next guy, make it clear you expect him to f-ing pay when he has said he will ... even if you reach for your card ... and then over time ... stop reaching for the card. 1
BaileyB Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Well, relationships are going to be hard for you if you have these kind of unspoken expectations and then you continue to keep score of each and every thing that your partner does for you. You really do stand in your own way to finding happiness. 1
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