Am I unrealistic and too demanding?

July 1, 2018

Your expectations are ridiculous. So what if you didn't get the gift on Christmas Day itself? As long as you got/exchanged, then what's the big deal? My sister is a doctor and is usually working on the 25th so we have family Christmas on the 24th.

I would just relax, it's nothing. Be flexible.

July 1, 2018

https://giphy.com/gifs/AjYsTtVxEEBPO/html5

July 1, 2018

Here is the thing: if I order food, drinks, watch a movie in a movie theater, ride in a car.... i will always reach for my wallet and offer to pay. Now, it is up to the other person to decide they want to accept it or not.

If I go on five dates with a guy, I will reach for the wallet every single time. If he lets me pay every time... well, yes, i will be judging him and kick him to the curb. It tells me a lot about his character and what not.

With that being said, i know this is slightly different and that I need to think before getting upset for every minor thing or one time situations.

July 1, 2018

Here is the thing: if I order food, drinks, watch a movie in a movie theater, ride in a car.... i will always reach for my wallet and offer to pay. Now, it is up to the other person to decide they want to accept it or not.

If I go on five dates with a guy, I will reach for the wallet every single time. If he lets me pay every time... well, yes, i will be judging him and kick him to the curb. It tells me a lot about his character and what not.

And if the dating thing as described works for you, then continue as you are. However you are writing a post wondering why you're still single at the age of 30....so I suspect it's NOT working for you.

Your behaviour here reads to me as you testing, testing, testing him. You're offering to do something you don't want to do but will then kick him to the kerb if he allows you to do what you're offering. Rather than setting up a new date for success, you're setting him up for failure. How does this make sense? I can easily imagine men casting you aside as being too contradictory or complicated.

Edited July 1, 2018 by basil67

July 1, 2018

And if the dating thing as described works for you, then continue as you are. However you are writing a post wondering why you're still single at the age of 30....so I suspect it's NOT working for you.

Your behaviour here reads to me as you testing, testing, testing him. You're offering to do something you don't want to do but will then kick him to the kerb if he allows you to do what you're offering. Rather than setting up a new date for success, you're setting him up for failure. How does this make sense? I can easily imagine men casting you aside as being too contradictory or complicated.

I don't know, I guess I wanted to see if he is considerate enough, or is caring about me. The reason I paid breakfast was because i remembered he picked up the check few times prior to the trip. So, I filled up the tank with gas and then wanted to pay for breakfast as well. I guess I expect other people to act the same.

July 1, 2018

I don't know, I guess I wanted to see if he is considerate enough, or is caring about me. The reason I paid breakfast was because i remembered he picked up the check few times prior to the trip. So, I filled up the tank with gas and then wanted to pay for breakfast as well. I guess I expect other people to act the same.

He picked up the check a few times prior to the trip. This would indicate to me that it's entirely fair that you pay for dinner and gas. Paying is about give and take.

From what you wrote earlier about trying to trick dates into failing your secret paying tests, I also think there is an element of you trying to trick this guy into failing too.

July 1, 2018

I don't know, I guess I wanted to see if he is considerate enough, or is caring about me. The reason I paid breakfast was because i remembered he picked up the check few times prior to the trip. So, I filled up the tank with gas and then wanted to pay for breakfast as well. I guess I expect other people to act the same.

People aren't the same though, no matter how much you match on other things, you can't expect them to think and act the same.

One of my friends gave **** to a guy that kept trying to pay for everything. You can't assume something. Do you know his past? There might be a reason why he doesn't push on this and it doesn't mean that it's because he's not considerate or caring.

You both go for the bill and then you assure him that you want to pay. Do you want him to push you out of the way and run to pay the bill first? How pushy do you want him to be?

July 1, 2018

Good god...how would like it if the guy you were dating was testing you to see if you would give him a bj without asking? and if you didn't offer that would indicate to him you are selfish and frigid so he better dump you.

July 1, 2018

He picked up the check a few times prior to the trip. This would indicate to me that it's entirely fair that you pay for dinner and gas. Paying is about give and take.

From what you wrote earlier about trying to trick dates into failing your secret paying tests, I also think there is an element of you trying to trick this guy into failing too.

I don't think that offering to pay when I have dinner with a new/old date is "tricking a guy". I am offering to pay as I always normally do.

With my best friend, for example, we both reach for the wallet always, but usually only one ends up paying (we dont like splitting) but we take turns.

July 1, 2018

I don't think that offering to pay when I have dinner with a new/old date is "tricking a guy". I am offering to pay as I always normally do.

But you kick him to the kerb if he accepts your offer. This is what makes it a trick.

July 1, 2018

People aren't the same though, no matter how much you match on other things, you can't expect them to think and act the same.
One of my friends gave **** to a guy that kept trying to pay for everything. You can't assume something. Do you know his past? There might be a reason why he doesn't push on this and it doesn't mean that it's because he's not considerate or caring.

You both go for the bill and then you assure him that you want to pay. Do you want him to push you out of the way and run to pay the bill first? How pushy do you want him to be?

But that is the point, I didnt assure him. I did for breakfast and he let me pay. Then, he probably realized that I initially filled in the tank too (you need close to 100$ to fill it), so he said, he wouold get the next one. He got out of the car, I was sitting in the passenger sit, and the moment he saw me holding a credit card in my hand, he took it. So, I ended up paying additional 100$ for gas within the first few hours of hour trip. Keep in mind I made 150$ per week at the time (working one day).

July 1, 2018

Are you here to argue that you're right or to learn how to not be so unrealistic and demanding? After all, is the the reason for the post to figure out what you're doing wrong?

July 1, 2018

But you kick him to the kerb if he accepts your offer. This is what makes it a trick.

if someone is inconsiderate enough to think it was ok for a girl (or anyone) to pay 5 times in a row (even if she offers), then yes, I would kick him to the curb. Remember, we are talking about regular people here. Students, middle class employees.. not some extremes

July 1, 2018

Are you here to argue that you're right or to learn how to not be so unrealistic and demanding? After all, is the the reason for the post to figure out what you're doing wrong?

No, you are right. It may be a cultural thing/or a personality thing that i just cant understand (the one about paying).

July 2, 2018

How about you talk to him directly about this just to clear the air? I've spoken with one of my ex's about me feeling uncomfortable that they used to pay a lot for me even when I had the better, stable job. I told another ex that this was something on my mind too.

Do you want a relationship with this guy? Then why not start being more open about your thoughts and feelings? Or do you prefer still testing him nonstop on this?

Maybe once you speak with him, you'll find out more about his background or thoughts about it. Once he knows how you work, if then he still lets you pay all the time, then it might mean something.

July 2, 2018

I had a friend from a family ... where the etiquette was as follows.

Hosts: "Make yourself comfortable and eat. We have plenty of food."

Visitors: "No, we couldn't possibly eat. We're not hungry."

Hosts: "But no you have to eat. Look at all the food."

Visitors: "no we can't possibly eat ... it's not right. We wouldn't want to take advantage of you ..."

Hosts: "but we insist ... you have to eat our food."

And on an on ... This is nothing but a colossal and dishonest and pretentious waste of time. My friend realized that this was an utterly inefficient and confusing way of communicating.

You are being dishonest when you pull out your card. You were dishonest with yourself--you don't wanna pull out your card. And you felt it was his time to pay.

And you were being dishonest with your bf--indicating that you really do want to pay when the truth is the exact opposite.

Part of friendship is learning how to gracefully receive from the other person ... We think giving is the magic ... and it is ... but receiving is just as important ... And fyi: It feels great when you can honestly trade off paying with each other. Great!

You're treating yourself like a kid when you make these fake-offers to pay. Kids expect parents to read their minds ... Adults speak their minds!

And when we're partnered with an adult, we must operate on the assumption that the other person will tell us what they want and don't want.

July 2, 2018

How about you talk to him directly about this just to clear the air? I've spoken with one of my ex's about me feeling uncomfortable that they used to pay a lot for me even when I had the better, stable job. I told another ex that this was something on my mind too.

Do you want a relationship with this guy? Then why not start being more open about your thoughts and feelings? Or do you prefer still testing him nonstop on this?
Maybe once you speak with him, you'll find out more about his background or thoughts about it. Once he knows how you work, if then he still lets you pay all the time, then it might mean something.

We broke up, it is too late now. He asked me what was bothering me after the gas station situation but I couldnt bring myself to tell him without sounding like I complain about paying in general or that I don't like paying (which is not true). I just don't like when it is not balanced or when people act like they forgot what they said an hour ago. Especially, if that is someone I care about. He was my bf, i care for him, I want him to succeed and the last thing I would do is take advantage of him or try to get him to keep paying for me. I expect the same in return. And whether i pulled out my card or not he knew, it was his turn to pay and the right thing to do.

July 2, 2018

I had a friend from a family ... where the etiquette was as follows.

Hosts: "Make yourself comfortable and eat. We have plenty of food."

Visitors: "No, we couldn't possibly eat. We're not hungry."

Hosts: "But no you have to eat. Look at all the food."

Visitors: "no we can't possibly eat ... it's not right. We wouldn't want to take advantage of you ..."

Hosts: "but we insist ... you have to eat our food."

And on an on ... This is nothing but a colossal and dishonest and pretentious waste of time. My friend realized that this was an utterly inefficient and confusing way of communicating.

You are being dishonest when you pull out your card. You were dishonest with yourself--you don't wanna pull out your card. And you felt it was his time to pay.

And you were being dishonest with your bf--indicating that you really do want to pay when the truth is the exact opposite.

Part of friendship is learning how to gracefully receive from the other person ... We think giving is the magic ... and it is ... but receiving is just as important ... And fyi: It feels great when you can honestly trade off paying with each other. Great!

You're treating yourself like a kid when you make these fake-offers to pay. Kids expect parents to read their minds ... Adults speak their minds!

And when we're partnered with an adult, we must operate on the assumption that the other person will tell us what they want and don't want.

I agree that is a silly thing to do. But notice when he pulled out his wallet, I said no, i will get this one, you get the next one. Simple as that. We don't go back and forth about it. So, I did pull out my credit card, but he could have said, it is ok, I will use mine (it was in his back pocket). End of story.

But, IDK, it is pointless now to go back and forth with this. Again, I am trying to see your perspective. I agree with the Christmas thing, maybe I just need time to see the other one for what it was (and many other similar situations).

Maybe I do have a weird perspective on human relationships. maybe i was spoiled as a kid.

July 2, 2018

No, you are right. It may be a cultural thing/or a personality thing that i just cant understand (the one about paying).

The understanding is simple and applicable to many parts of life. Don't offer to do something when you will resent another person for accepting that very offer. That's it. Period. To take it a bit further, act in a manner which makes your wants and needs easy to interpret.

It's really sad that you let an otherwise good guy go because he fell for your trap. Was he really worth this little to you?

Edited to add: I can't see that this is about being spoiled as a kid. It's simply about you learning that others can and will take us at face value.

Edited July 2, 2018 by basil67

July 2, 2018

It wasn't just this that made us break up. There were many things we fought about and it eventually had to end.

I just felt that he wouldn't go out of his way for me. Yes, he would see me after his work when he had nothing else to do. Would he change his plans sometimes to accommodate my busy schedule? Not really. On the other hand, i never asked him and explained to him that it was important to me. He would say he already had plans and I would get upset (because this would be with his "boys" usual night out.)

I thought I was going out of my way for him. I drove 200 miles to get him his bday present which he really wanted, and spent almost entire monthly salary (well, my miserable salary).

July 2, 2018

Sister, if you don't tell people exactly what you want ... then there is ZERO chance you're gonna get anything close to what you want.

In relationships, in family, in dating, in business, anywhere! Try telling your boss you don't want a promotion and see how much they argue against you. Try telling the bank you want X amount for a mortgage with the expectation that they will offer you a larger Y amount.

Your bf might have been distracted ... might have assumed you had changed you mind and now WANTED to pay for gas.

Here's my suggestion: If you want a guy to routinely overrule you ... even when you make a plain and seemingly clear offer ... then at least tell him that early on in the relationship.

Share your thinking with him early on ... at least then the expectations will be on the table.

That is only fair.

Please ... please! ... don't say, "but I should haven't to tell him this is my expectation."

July 2, 2018

It wasn't just this that made us break up. There were many things we fought about and it eventually had to end.

I just felt that he wouldn't go out of his way for me. Yes, he would see me after his work when he had nothing else to do. Would he change his plans sometimes to accommodate my busy schedule? Not really. On the other hand, i never asked him and explained to him that it was important to me. He would say he already had plans and I would get upset (because this would be with his "boys" usual night out.)

I thought I was going out of my way for him. I drove 200 miles to get him his bday present which he really wanted, and spent almost entire monthly salary (well, my miserable salary).

How often did you change your busy schedule to accommodate him? And of the boys nights, had he agreed to them before he knew that you'd be available?

Regarding the present, it's thoughtful to be generous, but pull back a bit if you're going to resent it later. Gifts shouldn't have strings or expectations attached.

July 2, 2018

I think there are a bunch of people with interpersonal issues who think everyone else has the problems

July 2, 2018

I think there are a bunch of people with interpersonal issues who think everyone else has the problems

Care to elaborate?

July 2, 2018

I don't know, I guess I wanted to see if he is considerate enough, or is caring about me. The reason I paid breakfast was because i remembered he picked up the check few times prior to the trip. So, I filled up the tank with gas and then wanted to pay for breakfast as well. I guess I expect other people to act the same.

Speaking on behalf of guys who aren't particularly concerned with material things or who pays, chances are we aren't going to remember who paid what more than a few days ago. Maybe less

When paying for things, it's much easier to remember what you paid for and forget what the other person paid for. Sooner or later this leads to a situation where both parties are convinced the other one isn't paying their fair share. At this point you either have to be able to communicate like a mature adult without getting angry/upset, or be okay with paying too much. Otherwise arguments will ensue.

A simple 'whose turn is it to pay?' is often enough to snap someone out of autopilot and get them thinking, without being accusatory. Plus sometimes you might find out you were wrong, and avoid getting needlessly upset.

Sign In

Am I unrealistic and too demanding?

Recommended Posts

mortensorchid

smackie9

Lagoon1212

basil67

Lagoon1212

basil67

ElKay

smackie9

Lagoon1212

basil67

Lagoon1212

basil67

Lagoon1212

Lagoon1212

ElKay

Lotsgoingon

Lagoon1212

Lagoon1212

basil67

Lagoon1212

Lotsgoingon

basil67

CollinW

Lagoon1212

Andy_K

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...