Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) These past few days I have been doing an introspection, figuring out why I am still single at the age of 30, turning 31 soon. I thought about my last relationship and why it ended. I know there is no point in pondering over who was right or wrong but I can't help but think i have unrealistic expectations (especially when I look around and see that most of my friends just "go with the flow") To give you an example. My relationship ended at the beginning of this year. Reason? Well, it was Christmas time and my boyfriend of few months invited me to spend Christmas evening with his family. I haven't met anyone of his family members so I told him that maybe I should just spend it with my friends (my family lives far away). He totally understood and to be honest, he might have invited me only because he felt sorry for me not having family around. But either way, I was really grateful but still not comfortable enough to spend Christmas with his family. He understood and we spent the entire Christmas evening texting each other and sending pictures ( my friend's party was super fun and he was texting me pics of his family). Next day, he told me he is still at his parents house (his parents live 30 minutes away and he visits them once a week) and they are just sitting around and still opening presents. I was home alone and watched Netflix. He told me he also got me a Christmas present. Around 6pm he texted me he is having dinner at his [parents' and will be heading back home around 8. Then he asked to see me the next day. It then occurred to me that I just spent the entire Christmas day by myself, and while he had a gift for me, he didn't even put an effort to give it to me on the actual Christmas day (i had a gift for him too). So, he got home around 9pm and told me he was going to bed and would talk to me the next day. Anyway, I got really upset, told him to keep the present and things went downhill since then. This is just an example of numerous situations in my relationship/s, and despite being 30, I can't tell if I have high expectations or am i right to feel this way? What is the point of buying me a gift if you can't/don't want to put an effort to see me that day. All I was asking/expecting was for him to be home earlier that day (lets say around 7) and ask me to go see him or he comes over to my place (we live in the same neighborhood). Thoughts? Edited July 1, 2018 by Lagoon1212
Els Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Yes, your expectation was excessive for that particular situation. You were only together for a few months AND you turned down his invitation to spend Christmas with his family. You really didn't have the right to get upset over spending Christmas alone - if you had wanted to spend it with him, you should have accepted the invite. Not sure about the other situations. 8
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I see it more as you being childish. You are 30, not 7 years old, you can wait an extra day to get your gift. It's the thought that counds not the gift of the fact he gave it to you on D day or not. 4
act00 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Maybe you should present some other examples. This one, with Christmas, I think you were completely unreasonable. You were in a new relationship, and I can understand not wanting to leap into the family way with someone new, and I can understand his motivations and his priorities to be with his family and not some woman he barely knows...not that he didn't like you a great deal; being incorporated into the family is a pretty big deal and a lot to place on someone brand new. He invited you to join, and you declined his invitation. You knew his family plans would dominate his time over this holiday. You got yourself all wounded and hurt because he did exactly what people do...spend the holiday with family and friends. He extended the invitation to you, AND bought you a gift. You're not 6 years old. You don't have to have this gift presented by Santa on Christmas morning. He put forth effort to plan a time with you and give you this gift later, after you declined his invitation to join in his family festivities...he thought about you...bought you a gift...invited you to his family holiday...made arrangements to see you and present you this gift after the festivities and after your declining...he made some big efforts here. This one situation? Yes, you were completely unreasonable to expect this man to drop his entire family and holiday traditions because you were sitting at home. He invited you to join, and you declined. What did you want? For him to drop his family and his holiday in order to cater to you? What are the other situations you allude to that question whether or not you're being unreasonable or the guy is just a jerk? 2
introverted1 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 The example you shared is squarely on you, imo. He invited you to spend Christmas together. You declined and then complained that he didn't make an effort to get your gift to you that day! The undercurrent of your thread seems to be that, since his family only lives 30 minutes away and he sees them every week, he should have rushed back to be with you. But it's Christmas and most people want to spend Christmas with their families, so expecting him to rush back, especially after you indicated that spending the holiday together was low on your priority list, was unreasonable. 2
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 I guess I just wanted him to be more thoughtful. Actually, it was 10 months in December that we had been in a relationship. Yes, I haven't met his parents because 1. I am really busy 2. they had family issues and maybe wasn't a good time. I decided not to go for Christmas because I also wasn't in a good place myself at that time, and I am anxious when meeting new people so... I just thought it wasn't the right time and didn't want to leave a wrong impression. But, I still hoped, he would just get home early enough so we could spend few hours together. But oh, well... Another instance got upset was over paying. We were driving to our weekend gate away. At the time, I was about to graduate from school, meaning lots of debt, expensive tuition, while working only 1 or 2 days a week. He on the other hand has a decent career and a stable job. So, we are driving and we stopped for a breakfast. The bill comes, we both reach for a wallet but I tell him, it is ok, I got it. He asks me if I was sure, I said yes and there will be other bills he can get. He says, next time we stop to fill in the tank, he will get it. Ok, perfect (I put the gas initially). So, we are at the gas station, I reach for my credit card (just a habit I guess) as he is getting out of the car. He sees it and asks me if I was sure. I said nothing, but handed him my card. He thanks me and has no problem to use. I got annoyed. I mean he just said he would get the gas next time we are at the gas station. Also, he offered his card to pay the breakfast, but since my attempt to pay it was genuine, I declined it. Couldn't he do the same? Situations like this make me feel like he likes to spend time with me, but doesn't genuinely care about me. Or is he just clueless?
Lotsgoingon Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Sister, please present more examples ... because if his one-day delay of a Christmas gift was a decisive factor in you breaking up with him, then yes, your thinking (not necessarily you) was not just unrealistic ... but flat-out foolish. Your bf gave you the best gift someone can give someone they're dating. Invite them over to meet the family. It would have been RIDICULOUS, spectacularly ridiculous, for him to leave his family to go present you a gift on Christmas Day ... when had you simply accepted the invitation to visit his family for a few hours on Christmas, you would have received the gift. And he stayed in contact with you on Christmas by texting. Ding! Ding! This is the important information here ... that he maintained contact ... and was thinking of you ... and connecting with you. This reaction goes so far beyond "unrealistic" ... and is much more in the territory of childishness, immaturity ... being spoiled, crazily self-centered ... and just plain illogical. Now, I'm not saying YOU are all those qualities, but your response in this case displayed all those qualities. You know the joke about adolescents? ... I hate you mom ... Oh I need the car at 8 p.m. ... and I need you to take me to school school at 5 a.m. Saturday for the field trip ... and oh I forgot the form ... so I need you to show up at 4:30 earlier than the other parents. That's what your response in this case seems like. I wanna hear more. 1
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 He's not clueless....he's simply not a mind reader. Your communication is terrible. 5
Zahara Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) I guess I just wanted him to be more thoughtful. Actually, it was 10 months in December that we had been in a relationship. Yes, I haven't met his parents because 1. I am really busy 2. they had family issues and maybe wasn't a good time. I decided not to go for Christmas because I also wasn't in a good place myself at that time, and I am anxious when meeting new people so... I just thought it wasn't the right time and didn't want to leave a wrong impression. But, I still hoped, he would just get home early enough so we could spend few hours together. But oh, well... Another instance got upset was over paying. We were driving to our weekend gate away. At the time, I was about to graduate from school, meaning lots of debt, expensive tuition, while working only 1 or 2 days a week. He on the other hand has a decent career and a stable job. So, we are driving and we stopped for a breakfast. The bill comes, we both reach for a wallet but I tell him, it is ok, I got it. He asks me if I was sure, I said yes and there will be other bills he can get. He says, next time we stop to fill in the tank, he will get it. Ok, perfect (I put the gas initially). So, we are at the gas station, I reach for my credit card (just a habit I guess) as he is getting out of the car. He sees it and asks me if I was sure. I said nothing, but handed him my card. He thanks me and has no problem to use. I got annoyed. I mean he just said he would get the gas next time we are at the gas station. Also, he offered his card to pay the breakfast, but since my attempt to pay it was genuine, I declined it. Couldn't he do the same? Situations like this make me feel like he likes to spend time with me, but doesn't genuinely care about me. Or is he just clueless? You were really busy that’s why you couldn’t meet his parents? What a lousy excuse. They were having issues so you thought it wouldn’t be a good time even though he invited you? Another lousy excuse. You have anxiety meeting new people so you avoided meeting them? You seem to want to put up barriers and self-sabotage. Then ask why and feel hurt when it comes back to haunt you. You’re passive-aggressive. If you wanted to see him on Xmas evening, all you had to do was ask. Honey, I’d really love to see you for a bit Xmas evening, do you think you can swing by before you head home? I’d love to give you your gift! When you reached for your credit card for gas, and then realized he had offered to pay, you could have playfully said, “Ooops, force of habit, I forgot you said you were going to cover for gas!” Instead you do this tit for tat. Don’t expect others to behave the way you expect them to — you’ll be disappointed because not everyone is going to think or behave like you. Instead you assume, expect for your mind to be read and create expectations that are not attainable when you choose not to communicate. It can be exhausting dealing with someone like this — you’re constantly walking on eggshells wondering if you’re meeting their expectations. It was Xmas. People love being with their family. He invited you and even then you took it on a negative turn by thinking he just felt sorry for you. You need to manage the self-sabotaging mindset. Edited July 1, 2018 by Zahara 5
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 You were really busy that’s why you couldn’t meet his parents? What a lousy excuse. They were having issues so you thought it wouldn’t be a good time even though he invited you? Another lousy excuse. You have anxiety meeting new people so you avoided meeting them? You seem to want to put up barriers and self-sabotage. Then ask why and feel hurt when it comes back to haunt you. You’re passive-aggressive. If you wanted to see him on Xmas evening, all you had to do was ask. Honey, I’d really love to see you for a bit Xmas evening, do you think you can swing by before you head home? I’d love to give you your gift! When you reached for your credit card for gas, and then realized he had offered to pay, you could have playfully said, “Ooops, force of habit, I forgot you said you were going to cover for gas!” Instead you do this tit for tat. Don’t expect others to behave the way you expect them to — you’ll be disappointed because not everyone is going to think or behave like you. Instead you assume, expect for your mind to be read and create expectations that are not attainable when you choose not to communicate. I will never understand "gas paying situation." Do I really have to explain that not only he said he would cover it, but also it is his turn? Does it actually work for him not to pay? Or is he, again, clueless, and when offered a credit card, he will simply use it. Even if he never said anything about getting the gas, how many times would he let me pay before he says enough? While I understand that I should not offer to pay if I dont feel that way, I do expect my friends/partner to be considerate enough and say no when it is appropriate (that is if they care), and not just take advantage of my "generosity."
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Well then he isn't your match. You both have different perspectives on paying etiquette....to you it's making him look like he doesn't give a rat's butt about you. Kick his inconsiderate butt to the curb because he just isn't getting it.
Zahara Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) I will never understand "gas paying situation." Do I really have to explain that not only he said he would cover it, but also it is his turn? Does it actually work for him not to pay? Or is he, again, clueless, and when offered a credit card, he will simply use it. Even if he never said anything about getting the gas, how many times would he let me pay before he says enough? While I understand that I should not offer to pay if I dont feel that way, I do expect my friends/partner to be considerate enough and say no when it is appropriate (that is if they care), and not just take advantage of my "generosity." Unless he’s always taking advantage of the situation and you, then I’d understand your issue but if this was a one time thing, then I will say that you’re magnifying it with all this analyzing. When the bill came for breakfast, he pulled his wallet. He didn’t just sit there and wait for you. He was going to pay. Give the guy some credit. If you are this turned off by his attitude then it was only best that you both parted. Edited July 1, 2018 by Zahara 1
stillafool Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I don't understand OP, if you knew it was his turn to pay for the gas why in the world would you hand him your credit card? Also you complain that you are too busy to meet his parents, turned down the Christmas invite and are upset because he didn't cut his visit short to accommodate you. That's not fair and is indeed childish. It isn't his fault you have anxiety. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Yes, I think your expectations are too much, and you don't communicate well - about both examples cited here, but particularly about Christmas. That was indeed childish on your part, as some here have already noted. If I were in his shoes, I'd have been completely put off by the way you handled yourself on that. But it sounds like you're here to defend and justify your behaviour rather than actually take in any insight about it. 2
basil67 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I will never understand "gas paying situation." Do I really have to explain that not only he said he would cover it, but also it is his turn? Does it actually work for him not to pay? Or is he, again, clueless, and when offered a credit card, he will simply use it. Even if he never said anything about getting the gas, how many times would he let me pay before he says enough? While I understand that I should not offer to pay if I dont feel that way, I do expect my friends/partner to be considerate enough and say no when it is appropriate (that is if they care), and not just take advantage of my "generosity." Lagoon, you had agreed that he would pay for gas. So you should have stood back and graciously let him pay. Not pulled out your wallet and confused the whole situation. Just like Christmas, this one is squarely on you. 5
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Yes, I think your expectations are too much, and you don't communicate well - about both examples cited here, but particularly about Christmas. That was indeed childish on your part, as some here have already noted. But it sounds like you're here to defend and justify your behaviour rather than actually take in any insight about it. I never defended my behavior except when someone said my excuses were lousy. I didn't feel ready to meet his parents... whether it is lousy or not, that's how I felt. It is not an excuse, it is a fact. Why would I do something, I am not comfortable with?
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Lagoon, you had agreed that he would pay for gas. So you should have stood back and graciously let him pay. Not pulled out your wallet and confused the whole situation. Just like Christmas, this one is squarely on you. How pulling my wallet confused the situation? He pulled his wallet too during breakfast, but i said, "no, I got this."
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 How about stop pulling out your wallet. There problem solved. 4
stillafool Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I never defended my behavior except when someone said my excuses were lousy. I didn't feel ready to meet his parents... whether it is lousy or not, that's how I felt. It is not an excuse, it is a fact. Why would I do something, I am not comfortable with? Okay I understand you were not ready to meet the parents but that does not mean you should expect him not to enjoy a planned Christmas with his family. It wasn't that he left you out it's that you didn't want to join in. 1
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Okay I understand you were not ready to meet the parents but that does not mean you should expect him not to enjoy a planned Christmas with his family. It wasn't that he left you out it's that you didn't want to join in. Yeah, I understand.
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 How about stop pulling out your wallet. There problem solved. Well, paying itself is not a problem (well, I do struggle with money but if I decided to go on a trip, it means I am comfortable with spending a certain amount). But, the problem is... why would he take advantage of it? Again, am I overthinking that my partners don't care (thus, I am too demanding), or some people are just "like that."
ElKay Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Well, paying itself is not a problem (well, I do struggle with money but if I decided to go on a trip, it means I am comfortable with spending a certain amount). But, the problem is... why would he take advantage of it? Again, am I overthinking that my partners don't care (thus, I am too demanding), or some people are just "like that." You basically told him, "No, I've got this" even if he was going to pay for the gas as promised. What did you want? Him to start arguing who will be paying for it? Maybe he thought that you would rather pay for it after all out of your ego? Just learn to let him pay without all of this dancing around the question. It's not that hard... 3
basil67 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 How pulling my wallet confused the situation? He pulled his wallet too during breakfast, but i said, "no, I got this." Because pulling out your wallet indicates that you are happy and prepared to pay for something. If you weren't happy to pay for it, you should have stepped back from the counter. In answer to your original question....based on the two examples you gave, yes you are unrealistic in your expectations. Learn to behave in a manner which doesn't confuse issues. 5
Author Lagoon1212 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Because pulling out your wallet indicates that you are happy and prepared to pay for something. If you weren't happy to pay for it, you should have stepped back from the counter. In answer to your original question....based on the two examples you gave, yes you are unrealistic in your expectations. Learn to behave in a manner which doesn't confuse issues. Thank you, I know I have a lot of work of to do.
basil67 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Well, paying itself is not a problem (well, I do struggle with money but if I decided to go on a trip, it means I am comfortable with spending a certain amount). But, the problem is... why would he take advantage of it? Again, am I overthinking that my partners don't care (thus, I am too demanding), or some people are just "like that." Oh come on. You got out your wallet as if you wanted to pay. If you don't want to pay, don't get your wallet out. It's not his fault that you were offering to do something which you would resent him for later.
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