jjb117 Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 Background info: We went on one date. It went well. We kissed at the end. This is the conversation thereafter. Her: Let me know when you get home! Drive safely! (11:10 PM) Me: Just made it back! I had a great time. I hope your mom wasn't too mad at you though (12:06 AM) Her: I did too! Nah she was half asleep but giving me my list of duties for tomorrow lmao but i'm so sorry you had to drive back and forth and all around! (12:47 AM) Me: Lmao she's soooo extra but no it's fine, it was worth the drive. If you're down, i'd like to do this again. When are you free? (10:10 AM) Her: Yeah I had fun i'm free on Saturdays and Wednesdays (10:06 PM) Me: Great, let's do this saturday. Same time but closer to you lol sound good? (11:19 PM) Her: Yeah sure there's actually a firework show tomorrow in _______ if you want to go to that (1:32 PM) Me: Yeah! I'd be down. Sounds like a plan. (4:37 PM) Her: Hey! So my mom made plans with me so I can't make it tonight! Sorry! (2:23 PM) Me: You're good you're good. Let's reschedule for Wednesday. Does that work for you? So basically she hasn't responded since. I think it's worth saying that her mom is very controlling ( she called 8 times during our date) which is why I even responded. Also, she's very paranoid. I like taking every girl I date down this path near the lake. It's v beautiful. So while we were walking I said, "there's a lot more people that I didn't expect to be here" and then she said "oh so now you can't kill me?" And i was like WTFFF lol so do you think I went wrong somewhere? Did I seem clingy? That was literally our conversation from wednesday night to today (saturday). I'm also thinking her excuse was bs. Idk. I feel like if a girl wanted to see me, she'd reschedule.
salparadise Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 Yea, she's not interested. It happens. Nothing you can do. One good date does entitle you to common courtesy if a woman isn't interested. It's like shopping for shoes... how much thought do you think they give to the ones they decided not to buy?
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Kick them to the curb and never contact them again. I absolutely hate flakey people and them doing this shows how little respect they have for you.
carhill Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Yep, just erase them. Billions of humans on the planet. They're not special. Next time if you go out on a date and you're getting on well, make future plans prior to the end of the date and then follow up on the voice part of your small handheld electronic device. You will be using voice to grow a relationship. It doesn't grow via pounding or swiping a keyboard. If no enthusiastic response, don't ponder, move on.
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Yea, she's not interested. It happens. Nothing you can do. One good date does entitle you to common courtesy if a woman isn't interested. It's like shopping for shoes... how much thought do you think they give to the ones they decided not to buy? Yeah, it just trips me up because usually a woman's behavior will make sense to me. I've had dates where it felt forced - I wasn't interested and clearly she wasn't either so neither of us made an attempt to go out again. And usually if it feels like things went well - I usually think that things can progress even further. So for her to even suggest what we can do on the date, and then suddenly pull out seems odd. I'm assuming something came up, like her friends wanted to hang out because it was so sudden. Not sure man not sure.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I can understand why you are feeling impatient, but I do think you are being a bit hard on her. To be fair, it sounds like your date is under huge amount of pressure and stress from her overbearing mother and needs to take things at a slower pace. You doubt her excuse, however, you know for a fact how intense her mother can be. I imagine it would be embarrassing and difficult for her to deal with that sometimes. It may be a bit overwhelming for her to have even more demands on her time from a guy she has only just started seeing. Perhaps she genuinely needs to take things slower and not rush into planning the next date so soon. She might be too busy to keep replying right away or she is afraid of disappointing you by saying no. Under the circumstances, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. If you want an easier dating situation, by all means, forget about her and move on. However, if you feel like she has some potential, you have to understand that she has some family baggage and it might take her time to let you get close. It will only work if you are willing to show her some patience and understanding, and take the risk. It's your call. 3
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Yep, just erase them. Billions of humans on the planet. They're not special. Next time if you go out on a date and you're getting on well, make future plans prior to the end of the date and then follow up on the voice part of your small handheld electronic device. You will be using voice to grow a relationship. It doesn't grow via pounding or swiping a keyboard. If no enthusiastic response, don't ponder, move on. I'll never understand what happened, at least right here. When I say things were going well, things were going well. We spent like 6 hours together on our first date, to me that's a good signal. Many times she could have left (her mom calling - asking her when she's coming home) yet she wanted to stay. But whatever lol i'll take today to be a bit bummed out but i'll be fine.
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 I can understand why you are feeling impatient, but I do think you are being a bit hard on her. To be fair, it sounds like your date is under huge amount of pressure and stress from her overbearing mother and needs to take things at a slower pace. You doubt her excuse, however, you know for a fact how intense her mother can be. I imagine it would be embarrassing and difficult for her to deal with that sometimes. It may be a bit overwhelming for her to have even more demands on her time from a guy she has only just started seeing. Perhaps she genuinely needs to take things slower and not rush into planning the next date so soon. She might be too busy to keep replying right away or she is afraid of disappointing you by saying no. Under the circumstances, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. If you want an easier dating situation, by all means, forget about her and move on. However, if you feel like she has some potential, you have to understand that she has some family baggage and it might take her time to let you get close. It will only work if you are willing to show her some patience and understanding, and take the risk. It's your call. She's definitely been through a lot. She shared some deep stuff with me. Like, one of her cousins was murdered 4 months ago. It's...it's a lot. I tend to have a lot of patience with this kind of stuff. My last girlfriend had a lot of baggage, like a lot, but I always told her that i'd "go at her pace." Her mom may not want her going out with someone like me - you know someone random. I don't know what the reason may be but it just seems odd that she switched up on me so suddenly. I can tell when a girl isn't having a good time - this was not one of those times. I definitely won't be waiting but it'll hurt a bit. She was pretty cool and amazingly pretty. But i'll be good.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Her: Let me know when you get home! Drive safely! (11:10 PM) Me: Just made it back! I had a great time. I hope your mom wasn't too mad at you though �� (12:06 AM) Her: I did too! Nah she was half asleep but giving me my list of duties for tomorrow lmao but i'm so sorry you had to drive back and forth and all around! (12:47 AM) Me: Lmao she's soooo extra but no it's fine, it was worth the drive. If you're down, i'd like to do this again. When are you free? (10:10 AM) Her: Yeah I had fun i'm freee on Saturdays and Wednesdays (10:06 PM) Me: Great, let's do this saturday. Same time but closer to you lol sound good? (11:19 PM) I don't know ... but if a date goes well for me ... my own response and the response of the date will be much more strongly positive than the response here. Her responses are ... "I did too." and ... "yeah, I had fun, I'm free." What you want is "that was a great time ... I had so much fun ... that was wonderful ... " ... "hope we do it again soon." So to back up ... I don't think she flaked ... her initial response was noncommittal ... she never takes the step of stating plainly that she had a fabulous time and really wants to see you again. If the other person doesn't clearly state that they had a fabulous time (substitute any adjective equivalent to "fabulous" ... then in my experience, they weren't that into the date.
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I can understand why you are feeling impatient, but I do think you are being a bit hard on her. To be fair, it sounds like your date is under huge amount of pressure and stress from her overbearing mother and needs to take things at a slower pace. You doubt her excuse, however, you know for a fact how intense her mother can be. I imagine it would be embarrassing and difficult for her to deal with that sometimes. It may be a bit overwhelming for her to have even more demands on her time from a guy she has only just started seeing. Perhaps she genuinely needs to take things slower and not rush into planning the next date so soon. She might be too busy to keep replying right away or she is afraid of disappointing you by saying no. Under the circumstances, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. If you want an easier dating situation, by all means, forget about her and move on. However, if you feel like she has some potential, you have to understand that she has some family baggage and it might take her time to let you get close. It will only work if you are willing to show her some patience and understanding, and take the risk. It's your call. I agree wholeheartedly with the above. If you really want to invest I think if you waited a week or two and suggested something casual and short "just to touch base" or just to "catch up" she may do it. However, if she does I would still keep it slow for awhile. If she just had a gf murdered, well, that's major. Sounds as if she does have a lot of baggage right now. Also, since her gf was just murdered it sheds new light on her comment to you about you killing her on the walking trail. 1
kendahke Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I'm seriously failing to see where she wasn't interested and doesn't want to see you again. This is someone you've gone out with once? And she's got an overbearing mother? And her cousin was murdered in February? Just once and you're expecting devotion? Expectations are future resentments under construction. 2
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 I agree wholeheartedly with the above. If you really want to invest I think if you waited a week or two and suggested something casual and short "just to touch base" or just to "catch up" she may do it. However, if she does I would still keep it slow for awhile. If she just had a gf murdered, well, that's major. Sounds as if she does have a lot of baggage right now. Also, since her gf was just murdered it sheds new light on her comment to you about you killing her on the walking trail. It was her cousin who was murdered but still, someone close to her recently died so she probably is in no place to start dating seriously. She still hasn't responded yet, so it's not looking so good.
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 I'm seriously failing to see where she wasn't interested and doesn't want to see you again. This is someone you've gone out with once? And she's got an overbearing mother? And her cousin was murdered in February? Just once and you're expecting devotion? Expectations are future resentments under construction. Definitely not expecting devotion, i'm just confused as to the sudden change. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but she hasn't responded to my last text, and she didn't ask to reschedule when canceling. I do have a tendency to overthink things, but it seems to me she isn't interested in pursuing things further. My question - why? I'll give you this. If she doesn't text back by tomorrow then it's clear to me she just wasn't interested. And leave it at that.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I think it's best to focus on how the person is reacting ... not why. The why could be everything from she's secretly depressed (even independent of cousin's murder) ... or that her mother is crazy protective and doesn't want her to date ... to ... she has another date planned ... too ... not so interested in you ... So really it's best not to care why someone isn't responding. Just make it clear you're interested (which you have) ... and then it's up to her. I don't buy that the cousin's murder four months ago is a reason she is cautious about dating ... Don't buy that ... People have brothers and parents who have died ... and these people still want to date ... sometimes more so ... after a deep loss. I still say her response to you was tepid ... not nearly as strong as what people often say after a great date. Step back, let her come to you ... You've made your intention clear ... ball is in her court.
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 I think it's best to focus on how the person is reacting ... not why. The why could be everything from she's secretly depressed (even independent of cousin's murder) ... or that her mother is crazy protective and doesn't want her to date ... to ... she has another date planned ... too ... not so interested in you ... So really it's best not to care why someone isn't responding. Just make it clear you're interested (which you have) ... and then it's up to her. I don't buy that the cousin's murder four months ago is a reason she is cautious about dating ... Don't buy that ... People have brothers and parents who have died ... and these people still want to date ... sometimes more so ... after a deep loss. I still say her response to you was tepid ... not nearly as strong as what people often say after a great date. Step back, let her come to you ... You've made your intention clear ... ball is in her court. That's what I plan on doing my man. Not much else I can really do without seeming desperate, which I do not want to come across as.
fredflint Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 You asked her to schedule for Wed, only YESTERDAY (Sat). So don't sweat it. Some people take a few days to respond to texts, and she might be sitting on it to get more clarity on her Wed schedule before responding. Don't send her a single other text until she responds to you. Anything you send her now will come across as clingy.
Author jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 You asked her to schedule for Wed, only YESTERDAY (Sat). So don't sweat it. Some people take a few days to respond to texts, and she might be sitting on it to get more clarity on her Wed schedule before responding. Don't send her a single other text until she responds to you. Anything you send her now will come across as clingy. Yeah bro, since it's more of a summer vibe, I don't expect her to take things seriously. If she wants to continue, great. If not, that's fine too.
kendahke Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I don't buy that the cousin's murder four months ago is a reason she is cautious about dating ... Don't buy that ... People have brothers and parents who have died ... and these people still want to date ... sometimes more so ... after a deep loss. No where is there a hard and fast rule over how fast someone is supposed to get over the unexpected death of a loved one. Some people snap back fast---others take a while before they feel they have the energy to be consistently social. Getting over loss is done on each person's individual timeline and no one else has a right to dictate to anyone else how to grieve or when they should get over their loss.
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I can totally understand why her mother was phoning her constantly during your date...a niece/nephew was murdered, and she is worried about her own daughter going out on a date with a stranger...hence her comment about you possibly setting her up to be killed. It all makes sense that she had to cancel because her mother was most likely having a panic attack. There's some serious baggage going on there, and maybe it would be best to back out of it. 2
BoxNSox Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I'm seriously failing to see where she wasn't interested and doesn't want to see you again. This is someone you've gone out with once? And she's got an overbearing mother? And her cousin was murdered in February? Just once and you're expecting devotion? Expectations are future resentments under construction. Agreed. I don't think she flaked. She just has a controlling mother and had to reschedule.
basil67 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 As her mom is controlling there could be a whole lot going on that you don't know about. I'm quite surprised that this doesn't seem to have entered your mind. How old are the two of you? 2
snowboy91 Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 In general, I find the best way to handle people who flake is to not handle them. Chasing them just isn't worth all that effort. If they want to be in your life, they will make the effort to do so. It's more fun to focus on those people who reciprocate with equal effort. That being said, in this case I'm definitely sensing an overbearing mother being involved, and she is probably finding it hard to go out on dates for that reason. That part is beyond your control, and I feel that by moving on you might actually be dodging a bullet.
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 She just has a controlling mother and had to reschedule. To be fair to the mother, as Smackie rightly stated, her niece/nephew was just murdered in February, so of course she is on heightened alert.
PRW Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) The date should have ended and there should not have been any contact for a couple days. Women fall in love with a guy when they are NOT with you. They need quiet time to think about the date and what they think of you for their emotions to solidify,...if you are chit-chatting with them the whole time afterwards you get in the way of the process. After a couple days you should have contacted her and set the next date with a specific time/day/place where you made the plans yourself. It is not her job to make the date plans, it is her job to show up, have fun, and go on the adventure that you planned yourself. She's definitely been through a lot. She shared some deep stuff with me. Like, one of her cousins was murdered 4 months ago. .................Her mom may not want her going out with someone like me - Total disaster. A date filled with death, despair, and parental oppression. Men remember a date by the facts of what happened Women remember the date by how they felt,...the emotions they experienced on the date. Where do you think this one left her? Edited July 2, 2018 by PRW
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 How old are you 2 ? * You bring new dates by a deserted lake as a 1st date?? * If this girl is still a teen I think her mother confiscated her phone. I can see myself doing that under the same circumstances. If my niece had been murdered and a couple of months later I learn my daughter is meeting strangers by deserted lakes I'd confiscate the phone and laptop for a while.
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