Awkward situation with a co-worker I hooked up with

[Lexxi]

Well here I am getting into some drama at work... well at least it’s not as bad as he is in a different office in another state.

 

We are in different departments but have to interact a bit because my boss relies on him a lot. I honestly don’t know how this morphed into what it did but starting in the first week of May, our business talk became personal talk. It became texts, IMs through the company platform, and it was always initiated by him. It even got so overwhelming sometimes because he texted so much throughout the day. From morning until night. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it was two whole months of texting from him with not one single day missed. He was so eager, sent selfies all the time which did get annoying (unsolicited). Couldn’t even talk to me over the phone unless it was FaceTime cause he always just wanted to see my face.

 

I knew we had work meetings last week where we would finally both be a part of and finally meet as he was flying out. He even modified the trip to have more time to hang with me. We both knew by that time we were attracted to each other and the meetings would certainly lead to us hooking up. I had never hooked up with anyone at work for many reasons but this time, I didn’t think it through, and the fact that we worked in different offices made it “better” I guess.

 

About his situation, or at least what he told me and what I believe is that he and his wife are separated and have two children. I believed his because of all the calls, texts and FaceTimes throughout the day.

 

So last weekend he flies in. We hang out, have a great time, hook up, and he pushes to see me the following night but I couldn’t. We end up seeing each other two more nights. Then here comes the meeting we both have to attend together. The team meets for breakfast prior to the meeting and he is sitting across from me wearing his wedding ring. I knew at that point he was either trying to get a message across to me or because everyone knows he must always wear it. Right before we met for breakfast though, he texted me saying it was “nice getting to know me this week but we have to act different today now”. I responded saying I understood that of course. After breakfast, it was on to the full day meeting which was very awkward for me. We didn’t really say a word to each other. When the meeting concluded, we all have hugs to each other cause it’s a close knit group.

 

I got home, he was at the airport at that time I’m assuming and he texted me “you ok?” I told him I was. He said I seemed upset or tired. I told him I was just tired and not upset at all. Then he replies with “till next time.” I didn’t respond.

 

Yesterday comes around and it was the first day in two months I heard nothing from him. I’ve been upset cause it’s not that I won’t be hooking up with him again, but I started to wonder if I said or did something wrong and made me feel inadequate that he was on this countdown saying he can’t wait to meet me and I somehow disappointed him. So this morning I finally just texted him saying I hope I didn’t scare him off or offend him in any way and just didn’t want anything to be awkward- because apparently we will have this meeting every few months. So we will definitely be in this meeting again. And it was nice finally meeting him. He responded with “No, not at all, was a great time and hope I’m having a good one, followed by his little emojis he loves to send. We each wished one another a good weekend and that was it.

 

I know I screwed up hooking up with a guy from work, but I’m just wondering if you all have any thoughts as to why he took a turn, when throughout the week- up until he final day, he was talking about coming back and seeing me, about hoping to make it out here more often, etc. if he wasn’t interested, he would’ve known the first night, or the second night and that would’ve been it. He just did a 180 the very last day. Now I have to face him again in a few months.

 

Oh, also wanted to add, he didn’t seem too experienced in bed... perhaps he is still very much involved with the wife he’s supposedly separated with and this was a thrill for him and now he’s guilty or just finally experienced what he wanted to with me and the excitement is no longer there.

[Highndry]

Bad, baaaaaaaad LeXXXi...

[BaileyB]

I’ve been upset cause it’s not that I won’t be hooking up with him again, but I started to wonder if I said or did something wrong and made me feel inadequate and I somehow disappointed him. So this morning I finally just texted him saying I hope I didn’t scare him off or offend him in any way and just didn’t want anything to be awkward- because apparently we will have this meeting every few months. So we will definitely be in this meeting again.

 

I know I screwed up hooking up with a guy from work, but I’m just wondering if you all have any thoughts as to why he took a turn.

 

Oh, also wanted to add, he didn’t seem too experienced in bed... perhaps he is still very much involved with the wife he’s supposedly separated with and this was a thrill for him and now he’s guilty or just finally experienced what he wanted to with me and the excitement is no longer there.

 

Do you really have to ask? He got what he wanted from you, he gave you a gentle reminder that he is still married, and then it was time for him to go home to his wife and children.

 

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from him next time he comes to town though... Its likely that he will want to continue where you left off.

 

Is this really what you want for your life - no strings attached sex with a married coworker? And is this really why you are upset - not the fact that you were likely complicit in helping a married man to cheat on his wife, but because he walked away and you feel like you did something wrong and disappointed him? In other words, your self esteem has been damaged and you feel rejected?

Edited June 30, 2018 by BaileyB

[Lexxi]

Do you really have to ask? He got what he wanted from you, he gave you a gentle reminder that he is still married, and then it was time for him to go home to his wife and children.

 

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from him next time he comes to town though... Its likely that he will want to continue where you left off.

 

Is this really what you want for your life - no strings attached sex with a married coworker? And is this really why you are upset - not the fact that you were likely complicit in helping a married man to cheat on his wife, but because he walked away and you feel like you did something wrong and disappointed him? In other words, your self esteem has been damaged and you feel rejected?

 

No, I certainly don’t expect to even hear from him again when he’s back in town. I truly believed they were separated and facing divorce, he had stories that were believable. I wasn’t maliciously trying to help him cheat on his wife.

 

But yes, based on the way he’s acting now, I know he won’t try to contact me to hook up again when he’s back in town. I wouldn’t want to anyway because apparently he wasn’t very truthful. And of course I’m left to wonder if it was something I did wrong but now it’s because he got what he wanted and probably guilty.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps he felt guilty, perhaps not.

 

Perhaps, he just accomplished his goal and he was ready to move on...

 

Lexxi, many on this board will say that separated = still married.

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds like he's very much married, got what he wanted from you, doesn't want the other coworkers catching on, doesn't want you hoping for more, and made his exit.

 

I would stop trying to contact him altogether. This had red flags all over it.

[mortensorchid]

There are a variety of reasons why you should not get involved with people you work with (either dating or otherwise) - coworkers are not friends. It's easy for you to think they are because you spend the most time with them than you will anyone else, you think that you are all kind of "in this together" as you are all in the same place / working the same / a similar job. You are not. But I digress …

 

Now that you have done what you have done, just close the book and move on. No talking it out, no meetings, just shut the door. You can't take back what you did, but you can move forward.

[preraph]

The way some men are, he probably lost respect for you because you slept with a married man. If he was wearing his ring, he's probably still very married.

[Versacehottie]

If he's separated why wear the ring at work? Only if he has intentions on trying to work on his marriage, to me, would he feel like it's necessary to wear the ring. So I think you got played.

 

On the other hand, not positive because of the way you worded it, sounds like you were well aware of his marriage status? But didn't take the time and protection for yourself to delve into how separated? Idk, the way you said it sounds like you think it's a bigger problem that you hooked up with a guy from work because you will have to cross paths--whereas the way I see it is at least equally a problem perhaps bigger to have hooked up with a married guy from wherever and expect this to have turned out any differently. It's a huge risk & combined it's in your workplace environment. I think you should just drop the whole thing and not contact him at all. Of course if you have to talk to him regarding work be professional but no other personal conversations.

[Noproblem]

I feel like this guy tricked you.

Worked his magic on you for two months

Then he used you

and finally disposed of you in a gentle way just so that you don't cause him any drama.

 

If you want to preserve your dignity, put him on the block list and ignore him!

 

You deserve better than a supposedly separated guy with two kids!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You were played, and I bet he's done this before. All those calls/texts were designed to give you a false sense of closeness so that you would give up the goods. The reason he seemed like he didn't have that much sexual experience is because he was there for HIS pleasure, not yours. A couple things you mentioned suggests to me he may even be a love-bombing narcissist.

[Lexxi]

Oh he certainly was a love bomber for sure. Guess I was just confused he went from 100 to 0. I did ask about his status throughout the two months and he said hey had been separated for a year, and he FaceTimed me DAILY, not one day missed and it would be everywhere, from the office to out with friends, to while he was at home just eating a quick dinner. So I thought he was being truthful.

 

Will have to face him again in a couple months when he flies out here for our team meeting though, I have no choice. But then again, maybe it won’t be so bad by then if he and I are no longer talking anyway. That will be 2-3 months of no communication. I thought we were just going to have a fun time and continue to talk after he left, but apparently I’m a horrible reader.

Edited June 30, 2018 by Lexxi

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Going from 100-0 just confirms what you already know. His behavior is almost textbook. He pursued you hard and put in the legwork prior to flying in, gets laid, then tosses you aside like a used tissue.

 

To add insult to injury, he sends you a message to run along like a good girl and don't cause any drama for him at work, then struts into the meeting wearing his wedding ring. He then has the cheek to ask you what was wrong that evening. He didn't need to ask, he knew, and I'm sure he got a kick out it when you tried to downplay it.

 

What makes it worse is that after he started ignoring you, you actually apologized to the creep! He will have no doubts in his ability to play you again, if he feels inclined. For now he will probably ignore you so you know your place, but it won't be long before he slithers around again. Please don't be flattered by it. This guy is a creep.

 

Before you consider throwing another second away on this trashy excuse for a man, think about the potential damage to your reputation at work, his family, and your self esteem (he has already made you start questioning yourself). He has nothing good to offer. Don't believe me? Check out the OW/OM forum to see the carnage.

 

I understand that you may not have been aware of his true character before, but you are now, so think very carefully about whether it is worth engaging in any further communication with this guy.

[Lexxi]

Going from 100-0 just confirms what you already know. His behavior is almost textbook. He pursued you hard and put in the legwork prior to flying in, gets laid, then tosses you aside like a used tissue.

 

To add insult to injury, he sends you a message to run along like a good girl and don't cause any drama for him at work, then struts into the meeting wearing his wedding ring. He then has the cheek to ask you what was wrong that evening. He didn't need to ask, he knew, and I'm sure he got a kick out it when you tried to downplay it.

 

What makes it worse is that after he started ignoring you, you actually apologized to the creep! He will have no doubts in his ability to play you again, if he feels inclined. For now he will probably ignore you so you know your place, but it won't be long before he slithers around again. Please don't be flattered by it. This guy is a creep.

 

Before you consider throwing another second away on this trashy excuse for a man, think about the potential damage to your reputation at work, his family, and your self esteem (he has already made you start questioning yourself). He has nothing good to offer. Don't believe me? Check out the OW/OM forum to see the carnage.

 

I understand that you may not have been aware of his true character before, but you are now, so think very carefully about whether it is worth engaging in any further communication with this guy.

 

I certainly didn’t apologize to him, I think I just wanted to get a feel on why his behavior changed all of a sudden and asked if I had done something to scare him off. Of course he responded with “lol no, not at all, had a great time ”

 

And yes, I’m having a very hard time processing what happened and the fact I was with someone who is most likely very much married and not separated at all like he claimed and the overall feeling of being lied to and tossed aside.

 

I don’t want to feel that way again, plus now I know he wasn’t so truthful about his status so I will not get involved again and just deal with him professionally. Luckily, I would only have to see him every 2-3 months so it’s a bit easier. Doubt he will come slithering back either as he got his way and won’t need to satisfy that curiosity again so I will not even have to worry about telling him to screw off.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You're right, it might have been a one and done thrill for him. However, in my experience of watching these situations unfold, these types are shameless and will try their luck again, especially if they got away with no drama or repercussions the first time.

 

If he returns again in a couple of months on business, he might see it as a convenient and easy option to worm his way back in, especially if he thinks you condone it now that you know he is married. It may not happen, but I'm just warning you about that possibility.

 

It sounds like you have a much better understanding of the situation now though, so I'm sure you can handle it whatever happens.

 

Just remember that his a behavior is a reflection of his poor character, not your worth as a person.

[BaileyB]

 

And yes, I’m having a very hard time processing what happened and the fact I was with someone who is most likely very much married and not separated at all like he claimed and the overall feeling of being lied to and tossed aside.

 

Lexxi, I'm not judging you... But, if I may... It comes back to requiring more from a man before you have sex, and being a little more selective in choosing your partners.

 

I hope the next guy treats you better. My suggestion, if you are not looking for a hookup where it doesn't matter who your partner is... hold off on the sex until you know that he will treat you well and not walk out the door the next day!

Edited July 1, 2018 by BaileyB

[Lexxi]

Lexxi, I'm not judging you... But, if I may... It comes back to requiring more from a man before you have sex, and being a little more selective in choosing your partners.

 

I hope the next guy treats you better. My suggestion, if you are not looking for a hookup where it doesn't matter who your partner is... hold off on the sex until you know that he will treat you well and not walk out the door the next day!

 

Thank you Bailey. Completely agree, and I think it just came down to the fact that I really wasn’t looking for anything serious as he lives in a different state. I thought it would be fun to have an ongoing casual thing with him when he would be out here, or I would be out there for meetings. He even mentioned the very last night we were together that he was looking forward to continuing. So the morning he texted me before the meeting saying “it sure was fun getting to know you this week but we have to act different today though.”- I assumed it was because we didn’t want the coworkers to pick up on it, but the tone seemed different and almost saying “thanks for the past few nights, later”. Then I walk into the meeting and see the ring and it all made sense. Wish his wife would find out one day what a scumbag he is.

[Lexxi]

Hi guys, so it’s been 3 days since I reached out to him to ask if I had scared him off and just didn’t want things to be awkward the next time we are required to be in a meeting together in a few months. His response was “no, not at all lol, I had a great time *blush*wink*”. We haven’t talked since.

 

I’m sorry all, but I am still angry, humiliated, confused as to why he would pull this, and still very curious what was going through his mind and what his status really is. Would it be a bad idea to just ask him straight up why??? Or keep silent? I just can’t stop feeling like crap, and I think it’s just my pride as well that says not to do it. But also wish he wouldn’t be silent for the whole 3 months until the meeting cause I just dread going now. I feel like I just need to know.

[Zahara]

I’m sorry all, but I am still angry, humiliated, confused as to why he would pull this, and still very curious what was going through his mind and what his status really is. Would it be a bad idea to just ask him straight up why??? Or keep silent? I just can’t stop feeling like crap, and I think it’s just my pride as well that says not to do it. But also wish he wouldn’t be silent for the whole 3 months until the meeting cause I just dread going now. I feel like I just need to know.

 

You're allowed to feel the way you feel but you can't reach out to him for validation because he cannot give that to you. You're expecting a man that lacks integrity to do the right thing by you.

 

I'm not sure why you're confused as to his intent -- it seems very straightforward. The man had fun while in town and now he's moved on. He chased, he caught and the thrill is over. He may swing back around when he needs it again. As to his status -- he is still married.

 

You've now defined your value based on his actions. This you must not do. He didn't do this because of who you are but because of who he is.

 

There is nothing else to know. You need to walk away and not tangle yourself with this man anymore. When you see him in the next few months, you hold your head up high and you act professionally. His behavior should repulse you.

[lurker74]

Hi guys, so it’s been 3 days since I reached out to him to ask if I had scared him off and just didn’t want things to be awkward the next time we are required to be in a meeting together in a few months. His response was “no, not at all lol, I had a great time *blush*wink*”. We haven’t talked since.

 

I’m sorry all, but I am still angry, humiliated, confused as to why he would pull this, and still very curious what was going through his mind and what his status really is. Would it be a bad idea to just ask him straight up why??? Or keep silent? I just can’t stop feeling like crap, and I think it’s just my pride as well that says not to do it. But also wish he wouldn’t be silent for the whole 3 months until the meeting cause I just dread going now. I feel like I just need to know.

 

Confused I completely understand. Angry and humiliated...let's unpack those a bit. First, in response to people telling you that you did something wrong...meh...maybe, maybe not. Hooking up with someone at work isn't as taboo as it used to be as long as there are no power dynamics at play (boss/employee stuff). I'd dismiss that except to say that it can be awkward so at least know what you're getting into.

 

As to the separated or not, I suspect that he is actually separated and moving toward divorce unless he is a sociopath because that level of facetiming would be difficult around friends and whatnot if he were in what appeared to be a happy marriage. The ring thing is weird but perhaps he didn't want to deal with the questions from other people about why he wasn't wearing it and he thought you understood. I know I'm giving him a lot of benefit of the doubt here but it's possible.

 

So in light of this, you spent months getting to know someone to whom you were attracted, to whom the entanglements at work were there but not overly complex, and to whom was showering you with attention. When you met, all the threshold stuff was cleared and you slept together. That story has been told a thousand times. And, like, 923 of them end up with one party deciding it wasn't worth further pursuing or that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. You should expect it to not be all it was cracked up to be when you have months leading up to it. But most importantly, there is nothing there to be humiliated about. Some things work out...some things do not.

 

As to the anger, if he is separated and getting divorced, anger is misplaced too. Yes, you have a history together but he didn't lie to you, did he (assuming the status of his marriage is accurate)? Note, I said the anger is "misplaced"...you are entirely entitled to your emotions but it is more useful to understand where they are coming from. So if the anger is from thinking he's happily married, then find out if he is. Satisfy that anger and then move on. But if you're angry that the relationship didn't work out like you'd hoped, that is the price of gambling on dating in any situation.

 

As to the confusion, I suspect (again, assuming he's not happily married) that the excitement of flirting that led to the excitement of LDR building that led to the excitement of meeting you can never (or rarely) live up to the reality. Anticipation is so much more powerful than reality, which is why when we date, we space out our connections so that anticipation and reality match. You didn't have that and neither did he so he's probably confused as to why with so much anticipation he felt like the reality was less than he hoped. It's not a reflection on you or him but on the circumstances.

 

Finally, as to dating separated men (or women), you had better understand the exact circumstances. Many people refuse to date separated people, which is probably a safe bet, but it's just a bet. Some people say you have to wait a year or wait two years and I've even seen some people say is takes 5 years. The truth is that it's different for everyone. I dated while separated, successfully I think (at least, the separation wasn't the issue). But what is not different for everyone is that as the datER you had better understand where the datEE is at emotionally. It doesn't sound like you did.

 

And if he is happily married, then yeah, you screwed up. Don't do it again.

Edited July 3, 2018 by lurker74

[Versacehottie]

You're allowed to feel the way you feel but you can't reach out to him for validation because he cannot give that to you. You're expecting a man that lacks integrity to do the right thing by you.

 

I'm not sure why you're confused as to his intent -- it seems very straightforward. The man had fun while in town and now he's moved on. He chased, he caught and the thrill is over. He may swing back around when he needs it again. As to his status -- he is still married.

 

You've now defined your value based on his actions. This you must not do. He didn't do this because of who you are but because of who he is.

 

There is nothing else to know. You need to walk away and not tangle yourself with this man anymore. When you see him in the next few months, you hold your head up high and you act professionally. His behavior should repulse you.

 

Totally agree! Very important to assert your value. That can equally (more so IMO) be in not needing answers from him and doing what you should have done to start with rather than handing over your power to ask him what his thought process was/is. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...it's probably a duck. Don't know if you know that saying but in this case it means his behavior is player behavior by all means so take it for exactly what it is, no explanation necessary. And definitely don't look to him for answers (you won't get a straight one) and you are hoping for something from him that you won't get in re-opening that conversation.

 

I completely took his comment to your before start of meeting and after you hooked up as "let's not speak of this again" back to work colleagues. And possible that he didn't see pursuing things with you if he didn't like how your date or hookup was and retreated to colleague behavior and is trying to keep it friendly to keep you from freaking out and doing something stupid or public but will keep fading out as he gauges your reaction.

[Lexxi]

So basically, the reason could quite possibly that he didn’t enjoy the company or hooking up, even though he tried to manipulate his schedule to see me as much as he could just so he can satisfy his cravings. And perhaps if I met his standards he wouldn’t have put on that ring to see how long he could continue this with me. But most likely he just went with it and I was that bad that he thought he would fend me off with the ring that last day.

 

Oh, something to forgot to mention is after the breakfast portion of the meeting, he noticed I was tired and texted “hope the sex was good enough to offset the tiredness. Was so good for me ” I didn’t respond of course, cause I was just in a bit of shock at that point.

 

This is why I’m having a hard time with this. Sorry I keep rambling.

[BaileyB]

So basically, the reason could quite possibly that he didn’t enjoy the company or hooking up, even though he tried to manipulate his schedule to see me as much as he could just so he can satisfy his cravings. And perhaps if I met his standards he wouldn’t have put on that ring to see how long he could continue this with me. But most likely he just went with it and I was that bad that he thought he would fend me off with the ring that last day.(

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

Why are you allowing your self worth to be determined by a man, with whom you spent a few hours... A married man, who lacks any kind of personal integrity or moral compass... And yet, he is the person you want to tell you that you are a good and wonderful person.

 

As my dear mother would say - "Give your head a shake girl!"

 

Keep your dignity. Let this go and do not contact this man. This would be an episode of my life that I would want to learn from, and then out it firmly in the past.

[losangelena]

Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

Why are you allowing your self worth to be determined by a man, with whom you spent a few hours... A married man, who lacks any kind of personal integrity or moral compass... And yet, he is the person you want to tell you that you are a good and wonderful person.

 

As my dear mother would say - "Give your head a shake girl!"

 

Keep your dignity. Let this go and do not contact this man. This would be an episode of my life that I would want to learn from, and then out it firmly in the past.

 

I totally agree!

 

Lexxi, I don't think his behavior, before or after hooking up, has ANYTHING to do with you. He's a separated guy (who know to what degree) who's maybe lonely and looking for some attention. You give it to him freely for months, he probably feels like he's on top of the world, because there's a woman in the world giving him the validation he wants. Again, his daily contact to you, a woman he tangentially works with and barely knows, is not about him wanting to build a connection with you, it's about soothing his ego.

 

As someone else said, his seeming inexperience in the sack (which correct me if I'm wrong, that means he didn't strive hard to help you achieve orgasm) points, again, to this being all about his pleasure and prioritizing himself first, not having some incredible, mutually-satisfying love-making.

 

And his post-coitus behavior? Textbook from my perspective. He reasserts his unavailability, takes steps to ensure you'll follow along and not let on to your coworkers that anything is happening, and then texts you when he leaves to make sure you're still on his hook. But the anticipation is over, so there's no need to ping you daily any longer.

 

This has NOTHING to do with your personality, your looks, your body, or your performance in the sack, and whether he found them to his liking or not. I would put money on the fact that he has no qualms about any of it. But he's not going to keep up the daily contact with someone with whom he's shared a presumably casual encounter, as daily contact suggests something more. Now that y'all have had sex, he runs the risk of you catching feelings if he carries on.

 

I feel like you're kind of saying two different things. On the one hand, you say you thought it'd be a fun casual thing you guys could keep doing, but you're also disappointed in his behavior. Which is it? How would you have expected him to act after the fact? I've hooked up with enough coworkers to know that little to no contact after the fact is the norm, and I think unless you're willing to keep your expectations to a minimum with casual sex, I think you're going to continue to be disappointed.

[Noproblem]

This might be a terrible idea.

 

But I don't know!

 

I am at this phase of my life where I want closure.

 

I always end things before reaching the closure, so many questions, so many why's so many what ifs!

 

They eat me alive but I always put my pride first or just ignore the insults instead of fighting back, telling people what I really think of them.

 

Honestly, I am tired of taking bs and let it go.

 

We reach the end of our life with so many regrets because we wanted to maintain our pride, but not our heart!

 

Our heart wants to scream, to tell someone he is a jerk!

 

to tell him to screw up and go pay for a prostitute instead of manipulation an honest co-worker!

 

So, if you are tired like me.

 

Don't let them screw you over without paying back!

 

 

He manipulated you, he lied to you, and he tossed you away!

 

Be angry and burn him ( not literally!)

 

Expose him to his wife if needs be! WHy do we always play nice!

 

Tell him you were indeed tired, tired from acting! His sex was mediocre! and you faked the organism not to hurt his pride and ask him to please act professionally if he ever sees you again!

 

Make sure to call him on facetime and tell him that with a big smile!

 

 

So yeah, most people won't like this advice and I get it, I actually told you on a previous post to maintain what is left of your dignity and let it go, but now I am thinking!

 

Why the hell not? Are you afraid of the drama at work, well he wouldn't dare to say anything as he wants to still be able to manipulate another co-worker!

 

 

So, here you have it!