Zteps Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 Hi everyone, I'll try to keep this as simple as possible. I've been friends with this girl for about 8 months. We became close very quickly and were having what I called a surrogate relationship; we did lots of things together like couples but were not a couple (no intimacy) and never discussed anything in regards to a relationship. Recently I met some of her friends and she told me that one of her friends liked me and I should ask her out. This prompted a bit of a "put it all out" conversation which we then said we'd trial a relationship. As we've been trialing things what has become obvious is that the more "right" I seem to her the more she feels broken, in the sense that she can logically see that we are well suited to one another but she can't get over her ex to be able to progress with me. Her and her ex broke up a year ago. She broke things off, I am not too sure of the particulars but from what I gather he had a lot of immoral behavior but they did get along well. I do like her, and I think we have a good chance at a happy future together but this is getting in the way. She has been to counseling etc and it didn't help. I am unsure of what I can do, if anything to progress? We are both in our mid 30s and are quite candid with everything but it's clear that talking too much about this with her causes emotional torment so I do try and limit our conversations to spare her feeling pain.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 You can't really do anything, OP, but take the cue that dating her isn't an option at this time. She has her own issues to sort out, and as they are unrelated to you, you can't resolve them for her either. I wouldn't hold my breath on this one, to be honest. If she's still hung up on him a year after breaking up with him, you're going to be waiting a long time for anything to materialize - and even when she's healed, you might find that she isn't interested in a relationship with you. 1
warp123 Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 At your mid 30s you should already know that a person not over the ex is always a bad choice. This wont end good for you. 4
ElKay Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 You can help her by being supportive, but only she can really get over her ex... Unfortunately, you can't really heal her for her. She'll heal at her own rate.
kendahke Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 Nothing. This is done on her time table, not yours. Steer clear of her, romantically. She already knows she can't be who you need--respect that and leave her be. At your mid 30s you should already know that a person not over the ex is always a bad choice. Tape that to your bathroom mirror so you remember it. 2
gaius Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 Getting her in bed and giving her really good sex over and over and over again is probably the only thing you can do. If you're even capable of that. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 First question about someone want to date: can they in fact, date? Are they capable of dating? Are they healthy enough to date? Are their lives organized and together enough to date? Are they trustworthy enough to date? The answer here seems to be that this woman is NOT ready to date. Frankly, it does not matter the reason why someone isn't ready to date. Just that they aren't ready ... means you want to move on, look elsewhere for a dating partner. Avoid the rescue-hero fantasy ... that somehow you can help her heal enough to date. She told you she's still into her ex. Well, believe her! There are other people out there in this world of 7.6 billion people--many of them who are ready to date.
preraph Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 If she was attracted to you, you'd be having sex, so she isn't. She likes you as a friend. Plenty of people getting over their ex still date and have sex. If what you want is a full relationship, you're wasting your time holding this one's hand and should just fade away and refocus on finding someone who is attracted to you. If a woman is attracted to you, they are always going to be willing to mess around at least some.
jjb117 Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 I hate being that guy but honestly, you have to look at other options. I'm sure she's great, and that you get along well, but you obviously don't want to be friends. You want more. Listen, for it to be 8 months, and you haven't even hit first base signifies to me that she see's you as either a friend or a last resort if she can't find someone better. You can still talk to her, i'm not saying cut her out of your life but you need to have a different perspective on things. Go date other people. Invest your time onto other people. You're 30 so you can't be wasting your time with indicisiveness.
fromheart Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 She has a low interest in you. A woman who likes you wouldn't give a rats about her ex. Tell her to take sometime to get over her ex, but you can't be friends with her in the meantime as you want more than friendship. That'll help her get over her ex. Then hook up with her friend.
Author Zteps Posted July 1, 2018 Author Posted July 1, 2018 Thanks everyone for your replies. Just to clarify a few things we've only discussed a potential relationship in the past 3 weeks. Prior to that we were simply friends. A couple of you mentioned sex etc, but we are both from a conservative background so sex isn't something that we jump into. Even if she hand no hang ups over her ex this level of intimacy would not happen quickly. I understand that logically I should be moving on, but I do feel we have a bond and she has a lot of qualities that I really like and that I've not seen in other females. I know I am catastrophising in a way but to me it seems that she might be the one or at the very least if things don't work out with her then I won't be able to find anyone else especially now as after my experience with her I will in my mind hold a lot of her qualities as the benchmark in what I want.
GemmaUK Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Was her past relationship sexual? I can understand conservative but before you two somehow began to talk about a possible relationship it seems like she had no clue you had any romantic interest in her whatsoever - she wouldn't have suggested to you to ask out her friend if she had those intentions towards you. When you've discussed this potential relationship how positively is she talking about it or is she just telling you she is not over her ex and not wanting to date?
fromheart Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Thanks everyone for your replies. Just to clarify a few things we've only discussed a potential relationship in the past 3 weeks. Prior to that we were simply friends. A couple of you mentioned sex etc, but we are both from a conservative background so sex isn't something that we jump into. Even if she hand no hang ups over her ex this level of intimacy would not happen quickly. I understand that logically I should be moving on, but I do feel we have a bond and she has a lot of qualities that I really like and that I've not seen in other females. I know I am catastrophising in a way but to me it seems that she might be the one or at the very least if things don't work out with her then I won't be able to find anyone else especially now as after my experience with her I will in my mind hold a lot of her qualities as the benchmark in what I want. A woman who wants you doesn't discuss a relationship. She's already decided. And she certainly wouldn't be bothered about an ex with you there. There isn't a strong enough of a bond here for a relationship. Least of all, any indication that she is the one. Maybe you have to experience what we're talking about. Do what you have to do, post back and let us know how it goes.
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Someone who is into you wouldn't suggest you ask one of her friends out....she does see the value in your compatibility, but she doesn't feel it from the heart or she would be all over you....her hesitance has nothing to do with her ex. And don't say she is leading you on....you are the one that is treating this like a relationship. You have been doing this for what 8 months? you are being foolish with your time. 1
kendahke Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 I understand that logically I should be moving on, but But nothing---you should be moving on. Whatever her qualities are, if she's telling you to ask out her friend, all of those qualities are geared towards maintaining you in the friendzone, not being her man. I know I am catastrophising in a way but to me it seems that she might be the one or at the very least if things don't work out with her then I won't be able to find anyone else especially now as after my experience with her I will in my mind hold a lot of her qualities as the benchmark in what I want. She might me "the one friend", but as far as what you've written about her, you're not "the one" with her. You will find someone else. Be careful what you speak because that's what will set up. If you go at it with a loss mentality, then you will experience loss and disappointment--and that translates into not being confident and feeds into the vicious cycle. You need to change your way of thinking and not latch onto girls who are not interested and invested in you because you're afraid you'll never be with anyone else ever in the next 40+ you have on the planet. In the meantime, ask the friend out and see what's up.
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