My girlfriends acts nothing like her parents, they are extremely controlling40-50y/o

[Greatly]

So IÂ’m 25 and my gf is 21. She is a really sweet girl. She has a really goofy attitude sheÂ’s never serious and sheÂ’s playful and warm. But i have a problem her family!

 

Her parents especially her father donÂ’t like me because of my age. Even though i donÂ’t feel like IÂ’m too much older than her they feel like that. They have blocked my car in, knocked on my window just to yell at me about their daughter. She canÂ’t spend the night with me.

 

My biggest pet peeve is that they are scary people. They tell her things that makes her have fear like for example her driving to come see me. They tell her to not drive on the interstate because of traffic or ask to take her over my house. They tell her IÂ’m using her she isnÂ’t ready for a relationship ... things like that.

 

 

 

She has a 10 pm curfew at 21. They threaten her and me if sheÂ’s not home by then, like kicking her out the house taking her off their insurance.

 

 

Her father has tried to add me on Facebook , my girlfriend has tried to take clothes over my house and her parents told her not to because “I’m a grown ass man and she would be sending the wrong signals by keeping her night clothes over my house”

 

My girlfriend is trying to keep peace at her house and make me happy but IÂ’m not happy, i want an adult relationship but the fact that sheÂ’s restricted is not working

 

 

She does have a full time job and her own car but sometimes her parents need it like if their car breaks down. We take turns picking each other up but whenever itÂ’s my turn to pick her up they tel me to come knock on the door and wait for her or IÂ’m not allowed over her house anymore

[ExpatInItaly]

Can she not move out and get her own place?

 

You say she works full-time, so what is stopping her from claiming her independence? As long as she's under their roof, a relationship will never work.

[PegNosePete]

^ Exactly.

 

They say you're a grown man, well she is also a grown woman. 21 is old enough to vote for the president, enlist in the army, convict someone as part of a jury, sue someone, go to jail, get married and most importantly - sign a lease. In fact it is 3 years over the required age to do all of these things!

 

Her parents may be treating her like she's still a kid, but as long as she is living under their roof she must obey their rules. Once she becomes independent she can do as she pleases.

[kendahke]

Until she sees it's in her best interests to stop being their child---living rent free, using their car, etc.---and starts acting like an adult who gets whatever job(s) is/are necessary for her to move out into her own space away from them, you're going to have to figure out that you either tolerate this as the price for being with this girl or you dump her and find a woman who is self sufficient and doesn't need her family's input, interference or approval.

 

I highly doubt she's going to flip into being self sufficient by the end of the week.

[Greatly]

Until she sees it's in her best interests to stop being their child---living rent free, using their car, etc.---and starts acting like an adult who gets whatever job(s) is/are necessary for her to move out into her own space away from them, you're going to have to figure out that you either tolerate this as the price for being with this girl or you dump her and find a woman who is self sufficient and doesn't need her family's input, interference or approval.

 

I highly doubt she's going to flip into being self sufficient by the end of the week.

 

That’s her car she pays the note but they ask her to use it. She pays her mom money every week to help with bills.

[Garlend]

From what I've gathered so far, your girlfriend seems to want to have her cake and eat it too... I've known a few of these.

 

Frankly, I think she needs to grow-up. But that probably won't happen anytime soon. And, unless you're willing to continue playing second fiddle to her parents, you should calmly explain your feelings to her, and move on.

[Greatly]

That’s what i don’t get this girl works and bought her own car and they still treat her like she’s 12 , i could see if she was siting on her ass all day that would be a different story but that isn’t the case here

[Greatly]

She tried to move out last year and her dad told her she’s fail because she’s going to fast and she just purchsed her car and she’s just starting out so she is going to mess herself up early ... so she never moved but now she’s trying to find a better job so she can move and live comfortable

[Greatly]

Until she sees it's in her best interests to stop being their child---living rent free, using their car, etc.---and starts acting like an adult who gets whatever job(s) is/are necessary for her to move out into her own space away from them, you're going to have to figure out that you either tolerate this as the price for being with this girl or you dump her and find a woman who is self sufficient and doesn't need her family's input, interference or approval.

 

I highly doubt she's going to flip into being self sufficient by the end of the week.

 

Because she doesn’t make enough she helps with the little bills at her parents house

[Greatly]

From what I've gathered so far, your girlfriend seems to want to have her cake and eat it too... I've known a few of these.

 

Frankly, I think she needs to grow-up. But that probably won't happen anytime soon. And, unless you're willing to continue playing second fiddle to her parents, you should calmly explain your feelings to her, and move on.

 

I can honestly say she’s trying but she told me she is tired of arguing with them they throw in her face that she lives with them. We went to see a therapist and they told her “you should be grateful you have parents who love and care about you enough to be scared to lose you, some people don’t have parents who even care at all and your does. They are trying to help you so you won’t fail because they’ve lived longer than you”

[d0nnivain]

You are trying to separate your GF from her family. Perhaps they would like you better if you were more respectful of them. Have you sat down with her parents & spoken to them, gotten to know them, learned your values & allowed them to see how much you care about their daughter & her safety? It seems like all you do is try to pull her away from them which in their eyes does not make you look like a honorable guy with good intentions.

 

If her parents have safety concerns, you & your GF should work with them to address those concerns. Get her AAA roadside assistance or HUM by Verizon or OnStar so she has resources in the event she breaks down while driving to you.

 

Have the parents over for dinner so you they can see that you live in a nice place & their daughter would be safe at your house.

 

Instead of railing against them, win them over.

 

 

When your adult GF wants to make adult decisions, she will. Until then you can't play tug of war with her parents using her as the rope.

[Greatly]

You are trying to separate your GF from her family. Perhaps they would like you better if you were more respectful of them. Have you sat down with her parents & spoken to them, gotten to know them, learned your values & allowed them to see how much you care about their daughter & her safety? It seems like all you do is try to pull her away from them which in their eyes does not make you look like a honorable guy with good intentions.

 

If her parents have safety concerns, you & your GF should work with them to address those concerns. Get her AAA roadside assistance or HUM by Verizon or OnStar so she has resources in the event she breaks down while driving to you.

 

Have the parents over for dinner so you they can see that you live in a nice place & their daughter would be safe at your house.

 

Instead of railing against them, win them over.

 

 

When your adult GF wants to make adult decisions, she will. Until then you can't play tug of war with her parents using her as the rope.

 

 

 

I haven’t sat down with them but as soon as i met her maybe about a month or two into us just dating her dad came to my car yelling. Her mom has talked to me three times... her mom doesn’t yell but her dad yells and curses at me i don’t feel comfortable talking to him especially since each time he’s at my car he has something rude or negative to say i can tell he doesn’t want his daughter associating with me

[Greatly]

You are trying to separate your GF from her family. Perhaps they would like you better if you were more respectful of them. Have you sat down with her parents & spoken to them, gotten to know them, learned your values & allowed them to see how much you care about their daughter & her safety? It seems like all you do is try to pull her away from them which in their eyes does not make you look like a honorable guy with good intentions.

 

If her parents have safety concerns, you & your GF should work with them to address those concerns. Get her AAA roadside assistance or HUM by Verizon or OnStar so she has resources in the event she breaks down while driving to you.

 

Have the parents over for dinner so you they can see that you live in a nice place & their daughter would be safe at your house.

 

Instead of railing against them, win them over.

 

 

When your adult GF wants to make adult decisions, she will. Until then you can't play tug of war with her parents using her as the rope.

 

I’m not trying to tear them apart i just want her to be able to stay over,drive over, and not have to report to them about everything. I can’t even sit outside of her house and talk to her without worrying about them blowing her phone up or coming to my car

[ExpatInItaly]

I haven’t sat down with them but as soon as i met her maybe about a month or two into us just dating her dad came to my car yelling. Her mom has talked to me three times... her mom doesn’t yell but her dad yells and curses at me i don’t feel comfortable talking to him especially since each time he’s at my car he has something rude or negative to say i can tell he doesn’t want his daughter associating with me

 

What was he yelling about?

 

Look, this relationship will fail if she remains tethered to her parents. She doesn't need to help with the bills at her parents' house if she instead moves out and uses that money to pay her own bills.

 

If she isn't ready to take that step, whether due to pressure from her parents or her own fears of living by herself, then you will have to decide if this relationship is really viable. It certainly won't be, if nothing changes.

[Greatly]

i just feel like they don’t want me talking to her because of the things they tell her about me which aren’t true. I do love and care about her but i feel like i have to ask for permission to be with her and her to start coming over and staying over. I do everything they ask me to do except i haven’t talked to her dad (as in me walking up to her dad talking man to man) because he makes me feel so uncomfortable

 

I have her home by ten

I knock on the door and wait for her

I stand on the porch like they asked

 

But she can barrels come over

[Greatly]

What was he yelling about?

 

Look, this relationship will fail if she remains tethered to her parents. She doesn't need to help with the bills at her parents' house if she instead moves out and uses that money to pay her own bills.

 

If she isn't ready to take that step, whether due to pressure from her parents or her own fears of living by herself, then you will have to decide if this relationship is really viable. It certainly won't be, if nothing changes.

 

He asked what was my intentions with his daughter. He then said she’s too young for me. He said he doesn’t understand what i see in her because all she does is work and stay on her phone. He said his daughter was desperate and wanted attention so don’t pay her any mind... then he says you need to come and talk to me man to man in the house etc”

[Greatly]

What was he yelling about?

 

Look, this relationship will fail if she remains tethered to her parents. She doesn't need to help with the bills at her parents' house if she instead moves out and uses that money to pay her own bills.

 

If she isn't ready to take that step, whether due to pressure from her parents or her own fears of living by herself, then you will have to decide if this relationship is really viable. It certainly won't be, if nothing changes.

 

He told me she can’t stay with me over night. And I’m established and she isn’t so what did i want with her. And then he told me if i didn’t start knocking on the door and waiting for his daughter i wasn’t allowed around the house anymore

[d0nnivain]

If you have never gotten out of the car, walked up to the door & shook the man's hand I can totally understand why he doesn't like you. You haven't shown him due respect. You have behaved rudely. You are not gentleman if you don't come to the door. That is what her father doesn't like -- your utter lack of manners.

 

Granted that doesn't give him the right to yell or curse but it offers a great deal of insight.

 

You want to fix this first you have to accept that her parents will NEVER be OK with sleep overs so that is not going to happen while your GF lives with them. She will either have to move out to live independently or learn to be sneaky. I doubt she has enough guile to pull that off or she doesn't really want to & is using the parents to put you off.

 

In high school we had a big protective dog. If I wanted to kiss my date goodnight I would leave the wooden front door closed. If I didn't, I'd open the door, then close the storm door. When the boy leaned in to kiss me, the dog would jump up, paws on the glass barking & snarling. I'd look all innocent & be like I'd kiss you good night but I'm afraid of what the dog would do. Your GF may be hiding behind her parents to avoid doing things that she doesn't want to do but still giving you the impression that she wants to sleep over when she really doesn't.

 

 

The second thing you are going to have to do is get out of the car & talk to the father. Call him Mr. [GFs last name] Shake the man's hand & look him in the eye & apologize for upsetting him. Say you got off on the wrong foot & you would like to fix that for the GFs sake. Ask him how you two can repair the relationship. Show him that you are an honorable man. Right now he thinks you are a punk that doesn't even have enough respect to get out of the car. You have to change his opinion.

[Greatly]

If you have never gotten out of the car, walked up to the door & shook the man's hand I can totally understand why he doesn't like you. You haven't shown him due respect. You have behaved rudely. You are not gentleman if you don't come to the door. That is what her father doesn't like -- your utter lack of manners.

 

Granted that doesn't give him the right to yell or curse but it offers a great deal of insight.

 

You want to fix this first you have to accept that her parents will NEVER be OK with sleep overs so that is not going to happen while your GF lives with them. She will either have to move out to live independently or learn to be sneaky. I doubt she has enough guile to pull that off or she doesn't really want to & is using the parents to put you off.

 

In high school we had a big protective dog. If I wanted to kiss my date goodnight I would leave the wooden front door closed. If I didn't, I'd open the door, then close the storm door. When the boy leaned in to kiss me, the dog would jump up, paws on the glass barking & snarling. I'd look all innocent & be like I'd kiss you good night but I'm afraid of what the dog would do. Your GF may be hiding behind her parents to avoid doing things that she doesn't want to do but still giving you the impression that she wants to sleep over when she really doesn't.

 

 

The second thing you are going to have to do is get out of the car & talk to the father. Call him Mr. [GFs last name] Shake the man's hand & look him in the eye & apologize for upsetting him. Say you got off on the wrong foot & you would like to fix that for the GFs sake. Ask him how you two can repair the relationship. Show him that you are an honorable man. Right now he thinks you are a punk that doesn't even have enough respect to get out of the car. You have to change his opinion.

 

 

How was i supposed to know he doesn’t like it ? I can’t seem to get myself to talk to her dad i know I’m scared because of his car approach but i can swallow my pride. And yeah she might be, she respects her parents which is a good thing. I want more though, I’d do anything for her

[ExpatInItaly]

He told me she can’t stay with me over night. And I’m established and she isn’t so what did i want with her. And then he told me if i didn’t start knocking on the door and waiting for his daughter i wasn’t allowed around the house anymore

 

Well, I can understand that. Waiting in your car instead of going to their door and greeting her parents at the same time is rude.

[Greatly]

Well, I can understand that. Waiting in your car instead of going to their door and greeting her parents at the same time is rude.

 

They don’t want me to greet them they want me to wait for her most of the time when i come to get her , her parents aren’t even there

[Art_Critic]

It does sound like the parents are a bit controlling, but you also don't know her history with her parents to know where it is coming from.. maybe they have brought her up with certain rules and expectations and she has had issues with those in the past...

 

It also sounds like you got started on the wrong foot with her Dad, you cannot treat him like he is invisible and expect him to like you.

 

I would think her going out on her own would be the best thing she could do but you can't fault her parents for parenting....

[Greatly]

I don’t mind waiting for her, my problem is them scaring her into thinking I’m going to do something to her or her driving over or staying with me

[PegNosePete]

then he says you need to come and talk to me man to man in the house etc

And that is exactly what you should have done. He has laid out rules and boundaries which he expects his daughter to obey, and he wants you to understand and agree to them. But he doesn't want to have that conversation through a car window.

 

The bottom line is, while she lives under their roof, she must obey their rules, and so must you. It's your GF's choice whether she accepts that or moves out, becomes independent and makes her own rules. And it's your choice whether you accept her choice, or choose to move on...

[ExpatInItaly]

They don’t want me to greet them they want me to wait for her most of the time when i come to get her , her parents aren’t even there

 

OP, as long as you're going to refuse to meet them half-way, so to speak, you are part of the problem too.