Dating a man who has kids

[GoreSP]

Alriiiight so I just met someone. He's awesome and he has two kids. (2 and 8). Still in contact with mother, obviously.

 

Now I know I've posted in the past that you shouldn't get involved with someone who has kids if you're not ready to deal with what comes with it. Now that I'm in this situation, I realize that I have no real idea of what actually comes with dating a man with kids but I know I shouldn't take this lightly...

 

So any one here have experiences/advice to share?

 

Thanks!

[GreenTea937]

I'm 36 and the guy I dated who had a kid, his kid was in his late teens and now the dude is a grandfather last time I saw him. I dont date men with kids. Either I date guys with grown kids or no kids.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I have no advice, but I'll be following this...I'm in a similar situation. No kids of my own, but like a chick with a 1 year old kiddo...

[GoreSP]

Gosh I guess I should mention I’m 37 and he’s 38

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never been able to connect very well romantically with a man who has kids. As someone with no kids, I have a lot more freedom and time, so for me it's a mismatch.

[phineas]

Gosh I guess I should mention I’m 37 and he’s 38

 

37 and no kids?

 

Personally as someone who has kids i don't usually date someone without kids.

They don't get it and won't get it until they have kids of their own.

They have a freedom I don't have.

 

Kids come first.

to a point. They came first when younger but....

 

Mine are almost 10 & 12.

I can have a female "friend" over for dinner or a fire and they are just fine playing video games.

 

I put them to bed by 10 or at least tell them they need to be in their room.

I close the door so they can watch TV then I can have my fun.

 

Once my oldest came downstairs looking for his tablet charger while I had a woman topless on the couch but she got under the blanket fast and i got to the other side of the couch with another blanket fast so it was good.

 

the simple thing to do is follow his lead.

[rightondude]

I'm 40 with 2 kids, 7 and 6.

 

Things start off well enough with women who don't have kids, but eventually they tire of being #2 or #1A at best. I don't blame them. Wish I could meet a woman in a similar state but it hasn't worked out that way for me just yet.

 

As long as you're cool with that, so be it. If the dude puts you before the kids, well, that tells you something too.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just google being a "stepmother" ... and you'll find all kinds of insights and information of the kind you want.

 

Many of these articles on stepmothers will discuss the dating process ... and the role of the kids with the parent's new partner ... when the kids met the new partner ...

 

There is an unpredictable X factor involved in dating someone with kids ... To cut to the point, if the person has great kids that you really like, that's one thing.

 

If they have whiny kids or just kids with personalities that you don't really like, that's an entirely different thing.

 

There are kids out there who are a delight to spend time with ... despite ... or even because you're not the full-time parent.

 

And you have to see how this man is as a father. Again, some fathers will impress you ... others will frighten and horrify you.

 

A few years back I had my first dating experience with a woman with grown kids ... in their early 20s ... On paper, at first, I couldn't see it ... But I met two of the kids at parties this woman held ... and really liked them, like hit it off with both of them. Loved talking to them. I wasn't working hard at all to stretch to connect with them. They each were genuinely sharp, funny and interesting as hell to talk to.

 

So the kids actually became a non-issue. Ironically, I was less impressed by this woman's mothering skills ... She just seemed a push-over for an abusive ex husband ... was still doing nasty things and telling the kids nasty things about her ... and I was like, "if you can stand up to this abuse, how the hell are you gonna be able to protect me and protect our relationship?"

 

Oh, that's another issue ... how is the ex? ...

 

If you like the guy, I say go out with him. See what he's like ... and go from there. It'll be clear if you're uncomfortable with him having kids ... or him having HIS particular kids.

[amaysngrace]

It's a balancing act. I've dated men without kids and as long as you have boundaries you'll be okay.

 

Know that they matter very much to him and you may too. There's no competition, it just is what it is.

 

You don't need to be the mom. They already have one. So that makes your burden a lot less imo.

 

No competition. That should be your mantra all the way around.

[GoreSP]

Just google being a "stepmother" ... and you'll find all kinds of insights and information of the kind you want.

I did and found a lot of interesting articles but I figured this was one of those situations where it would be best to ask people who have been there as well lol

 

 

Oh, that's another issue ... how is the ex? ...

 

From what he told me, she is engaged. He told me a few things about her and I’m taking it with a grain of salt because I haven’t met her but for now I don’t exactly feel threatened...

I know I’ll have to desl with them being in contact but I’ll wait until I’ve met her to have an opinion.

I do have very bad experiences with exes so this is a conversation we’ll have to have lol

[Rockdad]

I'm glad my wife had didn't have a problem with me having 3 boys when we started dating. She took to them right away and soon after they took to her. They were 2,4 & 6 at the time

she came initially into our home lives. There is nothing we didn't discuss about my commitment to my kids and I knew where she stood. One thing on my end was I would never marry a person that truly did not love my boys.

 

 

 

In time she did come to love them and we subsequently got married. She is a world class mother from then to now. They are all in there mid 20's and successful in there lives. Not one single time did they ever disrespect her. I have asked them if they ever thought about mouthing off to her. They all told me she is a type of person that you just don't want to do that to.

 

 

 

Not one single time did she ever step on birthmom's toes. Dating a guy with kids is doable in my opinion If he has his kids under control. If not I can see how the little ones would play havoc in a dating relationship especially if birthmom is somewhere in the picture.

[lurker74]

There's a common misnomer with people with kids and those that date them...most people think that kids come first, but that is bulls____. Oh, you think that the kids always come first? What about when that project at work is due and you basically have to ignore them during the 4th of July in order to get it done? If you don't, you can't support the kids so of course you do it.

 

What about your friend who just lost her brother to cancer? Kids come before that tonight too?

 

The truth is that I have four priorities: Family (which includes 2 kids), Work, Friends, and Partner. The partner area is currently open for applications but it is still a required role in my life.

 

There are days (and sometimes even longer) when my kids maintain the number 1 spot. And there are days when my friends or work do. And you can bet that there are days when (and sometimes longer) when my partner maintains that spot. The same priorities exist when you are married, by the way.

 

So people who don't date guys (or gals) with kids is, to me, kind of like saying that you won't date a guy with friends or a job. There are times when you are simply not in the number one spot and, frankly, you should like that when you're dating because otherwise the guy (or gal) is probably a clinger.

 

Now, that is no excuse for him not making time for you. I have two kids and work a lot of hours but I always find time for someone I am interested in. So my advice is not related to how to be with a dad but how not to be: don't let him tell you he's too busy too often. If he's into you, he'll make time.

 

As to meeting the kids, everyone's different. I've been dating for 3+ years and exactly one person has met my kids. Don't push it too fast.

 

And to those of you looking for men without kids, honestly, I know maybe 10 guys over the age of 35 that have no kids and are single...not a single one of them would I set up with a friend because they are all, without exception, selfish and likely to remain players for their entire lives (especially now that Viagra exists). Are they fun? Heck yeah...but they are 6 month boyfriend material...if you're lucky. Yes, I'm sure there are wonderful relationship guys out there without kids but it has not been my experience.

[coolheadal]

Alriiiight so I just met someone. He's awesome and he has two kids. (2 and 8). Still in contact with mother, obviously.

 

Now I know I've posted in the past that you shouldn't get involved with someone who has kids if you're not ready to deal with what comes with it. Now that I'm in this situation, I realize that I have no real idea of what actually comes with dating a man with kids but I know I shouldn't take this lightly...

 

So any one here have experiences/advice to share?

 

Thanks!

 

Yes like you I have no kids.. I've dated other women even lived with them with their kids. It's not easy. You have to give a little and to make it work. Even if you do give a little the mom or the man you have not going to give you his 100% he can only give you what he can His kids will come first you will just have to go along with that. His ex-wife is still in the picture as those are her two kids as well. When you go the full circle and you and him get better known together and you two have kids of your own then you will understand what he goes through with his own kids. Right now you don't have a clue as your not a mother yet. He has more experience with the having and raising and being a single parent than you do. Love, sex aside it's not going to be a easy life as you know it. Try to get the two kids too like you first. As long as they're young you have a chance. If they're older it's tough as hell..

 

My woman I know from work she has two grown daughters I only friendly with one the other one is younger but she doesn't know me as well. Both of them think I am a great man for their mom. The oldest daughter already calls me step-dad..We talk a lot one cell. Even taken her out as she needed some things for her kids. We had blast! See that works too. The other woman I've dated she had 5 year old the 5 year old with me got alone as well. Takes time as long as there isn't anyone else coming over to see them, but you have the guy ex-wf coming over. Going to be hard for you to adjust. Might be able to wing-it though.. Good luck

Edited June 29, 2018 by coolheadal

[Purrrfect]

My ex Hub has 3 kids and I had none. We got married and had 2 kids. It was tough. We are divorced now.

 

I’m 45 and my kids are 13 and 10. I would date a guy with toddler but that’s just me. No patience to start over. The 8 yr old would be fine with me though

 

Are you ok with being a step mom and possibly never having your own kids? Do you want kids?

 

There is also a financial commitment he has to his kids so keep that in mind.

 

If you are ok with everything and truly enjoy the company of his kids then I see nothin wrong with it.

[smackie9]

Deal breaker for me. My advice is to keep your expectations in check.

[Purrrfect]

I wouldn’t date with a toddler I meant. I’m done with diaper duty, potty training, trying to find sitters. No thx

[drdre]

There's a common misnomer with people with kids and those that date them...most people think that kids come first, but that is bulls____. Oh, you think that the kids always come first? What about when that project at work is due and you basically have to ignore them during the 4th of July in order to get it done? If you don't, you can't support the kids so of course you do it.

 

What about your friend who just lost her brother to cancer? Kids come before that tonight too?

 

The truth is that I have four priorities: Family (which includes 2 kids), Work, Friends, and Partner. The partner area is currently open for applications but it is still a required role in my life.

 

There are days (and sometimes even longer) when my kids maintain the number 1 spot. And there are days when my friends or work do. And you can bet that there are days when (and sometimes longer) when my partner maintains that spot. The same priorities exist when you are married, by the way.

 

So people who don't date guys (or gals) with kids is, to me, kind of like saying that you won't date a guy with friends or a job. There are times when you are simply not in the number one spot and, frankly, you should like that when you're dating because otherwise the guy (or gal) is probably a clinger.

 

Now, that is no excuse for him not making time for you. I have two kids and work a lot of hours but I always find time for someone I am interested in. So my advice is not related to how to be with a dad but how not to be: don't let him tell you he's too busy too often. If he's into you, he'll make time.

 

As to meeting the kids, everyone's different. I've been dating for 3+ years and exactly one person has met my kids. Don't push it too fast.

 

And to those of you looking for men without kids, honestly, I know maybe 10 guys over the age of 35 that have no kids and are single...not a single one of them would I set up with a friend because they are all, without exception, selfish and likely to remain players for their entire lives (especially now that Viagra exists). Are they fun? Heck yeah...but they are 6 month boyfriend material...if you're lucky. Yes, I'm sure there are wonderful relationship guys out there without kids but it has not been my experience.

 

I'm in the same position and can say it is possible. Ive been dating for 6 years now and only one woman has met my daughter. We moved in together after 1.5 yrs and planned to get married but it didnt work out. Telling my daughter she was moving out was harder than the actual break up.

 

The other women I dated, some had kids, some didnt. The ones who did, the kids were similar ages and we sometimes did play dates. During those dates, we didnt so much as hold hands - we were truly just friends. Since I had other friends we had play dates with as well, it was not any different. That was a nice way to spend some time together and see how everyone parented.

 

The ones that didnt have kids, we still saw each other quite a bit since I have my daughter 50%. In the early days, I saw them once or twice a week. Once we became a thing, I spent most of my kid-free days with them. The fact that I had a daughter wasnt a big issue since those 2 days a week I had her, it gave the women time to see their friends, take care of their places, etc. It was like a built in buffer for the relationship. At times it left me feeling like I had no time alone but it was a compromise I made often (although sometimes I would still take a kid-free day to myself).

 

In short, it can work. Like everyone else has said, when it's the right person and you both want to, you MAKE it work.