Ariesgirly Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I have never been more confused this early on with someone, than with this man I have recently been talking to. We met at the gym and started flirting, exchanged numbers and he started texting me a lot asking if I was going to the gym that day, texting about our workout programming, showing up to workout with me, asking me what I am up to after the gym, etc but no action to ask to me out. A few weeks back, He had mentioned previously when he was out of town that we should get dinner when he came back, and when he came back he picked up with just the texting everyday without asking me out. I finally asked him on a date and we had a nice date, hung out again all day this past weekend (I initiated of course) and were hanging out again this week (because I asked him out again). When I ask him he seems enthused "that would be great!" but still, he's never made the plan or thrown out date ideas. In between all of this he is texting me every morning!! I feel like if I had not asked him to hang out this week he would have continued with the daily check in with no action. On our first date we talked and he told me is IS looking for someone to share his life with so I am not sure if that is BS or if he is looking for a hookup situation.Even men who I have just had hookup relationships actually TRY to see me to hookup with me lol. I will admit, I try to keep things short and never text him first because I can't read him and don't want to be too enthusiastic over something I don't know if it exists. Typically when I first start hanging with someone (even the douchiest of guys) they cant wait to make the next plan with me so I am having a hard time determining this one. He is a man in his mid 30s so I would assume he knows how to do this but do you think I need to have a convo with him and lay it out there or is it too early? I don't want anyone's time wasted. 1
MaleIntuition Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Douches, players, and “bad guys” are generally better at making plans and being forward because they don’t care about the outcome or hurting someone by leading them on. Maybe he isn’t very experienced with dating, but single guys in their 30 very seldom look for friendship with girls.
Zahara Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I would stop asking him out on dates. If he's interested, he'll ask you out. Stop doing it because you're trying to create momentum and interest. I wouldn't "lay it out there" -- you've only been on two dates! You just met and know nothing about this guy except for words he feeds you. Don't get so caught up with him. I would step back and observe. Keep the texting to a minimum and see where he goes from there. Don't initiate anything. I have a feeling he doesn't want to really date you but likes the attention and ego boost he gets from contact. In the meantime, go date others. Don't waste your time on men that are off the bat exhibiting ambivalence. 2
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Maybe he thinks he's friend zoned so he doesn't bother asking you out. Don't waste your time on someone who has self esteem issues.
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I understand its early but as someone in my 30s as well I feel that were past that age of lets just see what happens. I kinda just wanna say hey, if you are interested I would appreciate you asking me on a date otherwise I am just assuming you are aloof or uninterested and I will move on. S**t or get off the pot dude! If he's the kinda guy that wants to take his time then he should be able to tell me that right? 1
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I understand its early but as someone in my 30s as well I feel that were past that age of lets just see what happens. I kinda just wanna say hey, if you are interested I would appreciate you asking me on a date otherwise I am just assuming you are aloof or uninterested and I will move on. S**t or get off the pot dude! If he's the kinda guy that wants to take his time then he should be able to tell me that right? Before you do that...stop and think. Would you like a guy to confront you like that?
Zahara Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I understand its early but as someone in my 30s as well I feel that were past that age of lets just see what happens. I kinda just wanna say hey, if you are interested I would appreciate you asking me on a date otherwise I am just assuming you are aloof or uninterested and I will move on. S**t or get off the pot dude! If he's the kinda guy that wants to take his time then he should be able to tell me that right? You've asked the man out on 2 dates. He knows you are interested. The ball is in his court. Don't chase him. It doesn't matter that you're in your 30's. That has nothing to do with it. You don't need to prod/push a man as to whether he's interested in you. You're anxious and you want something to happen. Pushing him is not the answer. Step back and observe. Don't invest too much time and emotion in this. Let him set the path and if he doesn't step up, move on. 2
carhill Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Welcome to LS... Sounds like you're pretty experienced with men so that first date interaction should've told you from his actions how interested he was. If his interest wasn't obvious to you, and considering his unwillingness to do something as simple as 'take you to xxx on xxx' with someone obviously willing to go, I'd block him and move on. Time-waster.
GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I'm in the same boat as you. I'm also mid 30's. Its something about the men in our age group. I've been experiencing the same thing with men. Leaves me confused.
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I wouldn't necessarily call it "confronting" him. Its' more speaking my needs and expectations. I will put the ball in his court. As someone in the dating world, it's something I haven't done early on in relationships due to fear and ended up finding out months down the line that someone was never ready for something serious and we were never on the same page. I do think clear and honest communication is necessary no matter how early it is in the dating situation.
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 It's either too much too soon from someone and they are saying I love you after a month or they are flaky as hell. Theres no in between. I don't get it!
Grey40 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I would bring it up to him next time and just say, “ hey it kind of bothers me that you never iniate, setup dates or plans and I’m the one which always had to do it all”. Seriously mention it, it won’t mess things up. If the guy is actually really into you he’ll appreciate it and start taking more action. If he backs off or continues to be the same then you have your answer. To me it sounds like a guy who doesnt have a lot of experience courting women and is afraid of rejection therefore never asks you out. But if he’s constantly texting you all the time especially every morning and what not, then clearly you’re a top priority to him and I doubt he’s hanging around with anyone else if he has the time to always talk to you. If this continues on how it is, it’ll be up to you whether you want to be involved with someone where you constantly have to do all the work. If it really bothers you, then it’s not going to work out. If you tell him that and he likes you, he’ll change his tune 1
Zahara Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I wouldn't necessarily call it "confronting" him. Its' more speaking my needs and expectations. I will put the ball in his court. As someone in the dating world, it's something I haven't done early on in relationships due to fear and ended up finding out months down the line that someone was never ready for something serious and we were never on the same page. I do think clear and honest communication is necessary no matter how early it is in the dating situation. If a man is showing you this soon where his head is, and it's very clear, you do not need to speak your mind. His actions are more than straightforward. Don't focus on words. Focus on action. You can be clear and honest in your communication but it doesn't necessarily mean you will get it in return. People will sometimes tell you what you want to hear. And down the line do quite the opposite. So, open and honest is great but it doesn't always work both ways. Pay attention to their actions and don't place this much emotion/angst into a man you dated twice. 2
preraph Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Here's what I think. This is who he is. He is a "no effort" dater. He doesn't want to go out and pay for dates and would probably just end up being a gym rat and couch potato who doesn't want to go to anything. he will go out if you ask him, but he doesn't want to bad enough to get it started on his end. You should ask him what he likes to do in his spare time besides work out and keep finding out things about him. Maybe you'll find out he doesn't really like noisy bars and restaurants but loves to go boating or swimming. If you have anything in common with his interests, maybe that could work out. If not, he may not be active or social enough for you. 1
MaleIntuition Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 It's either too much too soon from someone and they are saying I love you after a month or they are flaky as hell. Theres no in between. I don't get it! Generally speaking we need less time to know what we want. Don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems like a lot of female posters advocate the “checklist system” which is always tied to what I would consider mostly arbitrary behaviour: Not texting enough, not initiating enough, not paying for dates, not complimenting enough, escalating to quickly, not escalating quickly enough, etc. Some of the advice is therefore do x and see if he does y: This is essentially testing him, making him play a role in a game without telling him the rules. Not really fare and extremely confusing when you are on the other end. Yes, you have been doing most of the chasing, but does it really matter? If you like him: Keep chasing and go for the kiss next time. Or just talk to him.
Author Ariesgirly Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 My natural personality is doing the chasing in any situation.I usually only like guys who I chase and if someone shows interest in me that's too easy or there must be something wrong with them. I have been told I'm alpha. Thats why all these stupid dating rules are hard for me to follow. As far as the checklist you mention, I feel like we use this checklist to go off of in determining if someone is treating us right. All those things you mention, not complimenting, escalating too quickly, not paying for dates, those are all things that I overlooked in the past with someone and ended up in a relationship with a complete narc who who sucked me dry of all my energy and confidence when I could have not looked past those things and saved myself month. I know there are no "rules" to dating but it seems the people who succeed the most are those that follow them
Zapbasket Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I know there are no "rules" to dating but it seems the people who succeed the most are those that follow them If that's your perception (and I agree, to some extent), then pull back a bit. You can talk and text with him, but just hold off on suggesting another date. See what he does. If he enjoys spending time with you and you are on his mind, you won't have to wait long for him to try to make plans. If he doesn't make a move, it could be he's not interested, or not interested *enough*, or maybe he's not long out of a relationship that burned him and he's being overly cautious. Or maybe interest and intrigue will build for him over time. In all of those possibilities, you'll have to decide how you want to respond--but I think a good way to start here is to hang back and observe what he does.
JDJ Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 I understand its early but as someone in my 30s as well I feel that were past that age of lets just see what happens. I kinda just wanna say hey, if you are interested I would appreciate you asking me on a date otherwise I am just assuming you are aloof or uninterested and I will move on. S**t or get off the pot dude! If he's the kinda guy that wants to take his time then he should be able to tell me that right? Cliched, but he is just not that into you. If he was interested, he would ask you on a date, or something to get closer to you. Even the shyest of guys will do this when they really have the urge. He is aloof and uninterested, no "if"s involved. If you pursue him, you might find that he will be ok with low-effort no-strings sex, or whatever you offer him. But you will be disappointed that his interest never develops beyond that. Maybe he just liked you as a friendly gym buddy.
Author Ariesgirly Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 So quick update on this situation, he ended up cancelling our date 3 hours prior because he was in a bad mood. I told him that if we weren't on the same page to please let me know so I could move on and he was like "no its not like that. there is no hidden agenda. I really am not feeling well and I am sorry" I left him alone and didn't hear from him for a week after I had basically started to forget about him. He resurfaced yesterday apologizing for being off the radar lately and I asked what his deal was and he said he had some things going on that were hard to elaborate on and then started asking me what id been up to and how my 4th of July was. I asked him if he cared to talk about what he had going on and he never responded. Haven' heard from him at all since. I am about at my wits end with this guy and going to give him 1 or 2 more times contacting me without initiating a date to let him know I feel strung along by him.
Zahara Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 It's very simple. When someone is interested in you, they keep the momentum going. You mentioned that in the beginning he was texting you a lot and now he's fallen off the radar after two dates - it changed. What should be happening is that after two dates, there should be progression. Instead, he has regressed. The only one stringing you along is you. You teach people how to treat you. Create better boundaries for yourself and when you feel like someone is stringing you along, listen to your gut and move on. If this man is ambivalent off the blocks, imagine what it would likely be like dating him months from now. 1
FMW Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I'm 53 and I have the same problem with a man my age. He's always enthusiastic to spend time with me - when I do the asking. He pays tons of attention to me when we're in our mutual social group. He's said "hey, sometime we should go" to whatever place we're discussing. But he'll never ask me out. I've friend zoned him (but hey maybe he had already friend zoned me and that was the problem ) I want a guy to be a "guy" and have the confidence and desire to pursue me, not just respond to my overtures. If you feel comfortable confronting him then by all means do so, but even if he says he IS interested I would be afraid he would be far too passive going forward. So make sure you're ok with that before taking it further.
olivetree Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 He is showing you with his actions that he's not that into you. I wouldn't bother with this at all. This is way too soon for any discussions. There is no point telling a guy you feel strung along - he can see what you're trying to do - you want him to convince you that's not the case. But it absolutely is. No guy is going to think, "wow this woman has a spine. I need to step up!" He's going to see you as the opposite - an overly available woman who will accept bad treatment and rather than move on, she complains about it. Show him with your actions that you are better than no effort, radio silence and being cancelled on.
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