imjustblah Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Hey everyone, Thanks in advanced for reading my post here. So my "fiance" and I have been together for 14 1/2 years and we have 2 kids together, ages 7 and 11. I use the term fiance loosely because he never actually proposed to me. He literally came home one day and handed our daughter a bag and told her to give it to me. Inside was a ring. He was so proud of himself but I couldn't get over the lack of actually proposing. Months later I jokingly said that we weren't actually engaged because he never proposed and he got mad at me. He is the most unromantic person I've ever met in my life. It seems to make him uncomfortable/insecure. We have no wedding plans at all. We have talked about it multiply times but neither of us have taken initiative to actually plan anything. At this point I don't see us getting married at all and I don't even wear my ring. He is so mentally and verbally abusive I cant even stand talking to him anymore. When we fight he tells me that I'm worthless and that I don't do anything for the kids. He says my job is pointless and doesn't understand why I'm even tired after working.He makes fun of me for any decisions that I've ever made. Sometimes he will apologize and other times he just pretends like nothing ever happened. Just 2 days ago he sent me a text saying how sorry he is and he knows he is wrong and that he loves me and would do anything for me.We argue all the time and when we aren't arguing I still don't like talking to him. He talks over me and doesn't even listen to what I have to say. Im so tired of this. Its gotten to the point where I cant even stand living with him. I work overnight at a hospital and get done work at 8am. I come home and It takes me 40 mins to wake him up for work and when I finally do wake him, he gets up cursing at me for yelling at him. The reality is that his alarm will go off the entire time and he just wont wake up. The days I decide to just not wake him, when he gets up he curses at me for not waking him. I just cant win with him. Anytime I am not happy and talkative he gets mad. I've been so depressed and have no one to talk to. He never cares to try and make me happy. He just critizes me for everything. He tells me that I make myself miserable and that I have mental issues. He says I have mental issues because I have anxiety.I told him that he is the one that makes me miserable and I told him to leave and that I was done but he wont. We have been through this so many times. We will go days without talking then things just go back to the way they were. I've tried so hard to make things better and to make things work but I don't think its possible at this point. I cant support myself and my kids. I literally have no family close by. My mom lives 9 hours away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to about this. I am just looking for some advice maybe someone else has been in a similar situation.
Els Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Why can't you support yourself and the kids? You have a job, and you can file for child support to cover his share. You should leave ASAP, otherwise the kids are going to model their future relationships around your dysfunctional one... if they haven't already. 1
Zahara Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I've tried so hard to make things better and to make things work but I don't think its possible at this point. You've gone 14 years without it getting better so it's not possible. You are absolutely right. Nothing is going to change. If you can't do the right thing for yourself, then do it for your children. You both are have created a toxic environment for them and the sad part about this all is that they will likely mirror your behaviors and in the future live their lives as dysfunctional adults. It's all they know from both of you being their closest role models. Leave him. File for support. 1
Author imjustblah Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I wouldn't say my kids are in a toxic environment. They may know we have a bad relationship of course but they know right from wrong and they are good kids. He makes a lot more money than i do. We own a home together that I cannot afford on my own income. To say to just leave ASAP is much easier said than done.
Zahara Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) Your children are growing up in an environment that is abusive. While they may be good kids, the environment that they’re exposed to will likely emotionally/mentally scar them and cause them as adults to enter and tolerate relationships that are similar to the patterns that they’ve been familiar with through their impressionable years. Your daughter in the future may believe that verbal abuse from a man is acceptable because you’ve taught her that by staying and accepting abuse. What are you both teaching your children in terms of what commitment between two adults should look like? Do you really think it doesn’t create a negative impact on their psyche? You don’t know the effects of what a toxic family environment can do to children so don’t assume they’re going to be well adjusted, instead be proactive and do whatever it takes to break and end the cycle —remove and protect them from the possible damage it may/will cause. Let that propel you to find a way out of your situation. There is no alternative. You have a job. Maybe start looking for something that pays better. You can get support from him. Speak to a lawyer. Find an apartment. Maybe move closer to your mother. Do something. Edited June 29, 2018 by Zahara 1
No_Go Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Of course you can't leave asap. But you may start planning how to resolve the partnership in the next few months/years. See if you can: 1) Strengthen your social network 2) Get some extra income on your own 3) Read resources how to prepare your kids etc I doubt it it will happen fast but you better start making small steps to get out, it's a very unhealthy relationship. I wouldn't say my kids are in a toxic environment. They may know we have a bad relationship of course but they know right from wrong and they are good kids. He makes a lot more money than i do. We own a home together that I cannot afford on my own income. To say to just leave ASAP is much easier said than done. 1
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 I wouldn't say my kids are in a toxic environment. I would disagree. They watch their father emotionally abuse their mother on a daily basis... I think that's a pretty toxic environment when you are growing up. If he makes significantly more money than you, he will pay you a significant amount of child support. Find a lawyer and educate yourself about your rights. Then, you can begin to make your plans. In other words, take the money and run! You can do this. You have to do this - for your children. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Hate to break the bad news but yes, you're kids are in a toxic environment. Trust me ... kids pick up quite clearly that dad talks to mom like dirt. And that dad rages ... and that mom has to wake up dad for work. They totally pick up on that ... and the problem is ... even though they're sharp enough to know this behavior isn't healthy ... just being around that behavior makes get used to abusive people. Even when we intellectually know such and such, we can get drawn into abusive relationships ourselves because we have developed coping patterns to be around abusive people. Why now? ... Because you've put up with behavior all along? Why suddenly do you need to get out of the relationship. I mean, I think you're showing some growth ... But why now? ... You got sick and tired of the abuse? ... Gave up hope that things would change?
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 You will get out when you are ready to get out & not before. If you own the home together, you will be entitled to 1/2 the equity when you sell the home. That should be a sufficient foundation for at least an apartment. Because you have to extricate yourself from him financially which will take time, start planning now. save some money. take on extra shifts or private duty if you have to. Speak to a lawyer about child support. . .paying or receiving depending on the custody arrangements. After 14 years you cannot expect that this man will suddenly become romantic & kind. Do try to remember the lessons your kids are learning by watching you two interact. Is that really what you want them to know about love? 1
Els Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 I wouldn't say my kids are in a toxic environment. They may know we have a bad relationship of course but they know right from wrong and they are good kids. He makes a lot more money than i do. We own a home together that I cannot afford on my own income. To say to just leave ASAP is much easier said than done. Have you even done any research into this? If you own a home together, you can withdraw your share in it. Depending on where you live, de facto couples can be treated similarly in separation as married couples, so you could file for alimony for a few years to get you on your feet. Regardless of where you live, child support would be mandatory. It seems like you're just giving all of this lip service - have you even bothered to talk to a lawyer yet? Many give free initial consults. 1
BC1980 Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 He will never marry you first and foremost. Second, yes, get out. Try to put some money away before you make a move.
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