excuses Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 (edited) I have a bf who has a history of not fully telling the truth about his money issues. Since he wants to live with me and possibly, marry, his truthfulness of this issue is critical. We've been together several years and he knows that until I'm satisfied he is fully transparent, I can't move forward with him. He had been using is elderly mother's credit card for certain items last year when he was unemployed and told me she knew about it. She is essentially destitute and ready to go on Medicaid and has Alzeimer's. The card in question is almost at its max and he pays it with her funds (I think) nominal amounts just to keep the card open for emergencies. He was re-employed 6 months ago and apparently paying his own bills but I learned a magazine subscription he must have ordered last Fall when he was unemployed and used her card, was renewed 1 month ago. I know he sees her bills and makes the modest payments so I assume he saw the charge on the May statement. My question is: I am not aware of whose money the nominal payments on the account came from, but assuming it is his mother's money, isn't this a lie when he has promised not to use it? Even if it is his money that he used to pay his mother's card, wouldn't it be more responsible for him to have called the vendor and changed the card used once he presumably saw her credit card statement? Edited June 28, 2018 by excuses
PRW Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Why are you even worried about the alleged "lying". That is nothing more than a symptom. The issue is that the guy is a User and a Leach. He was probably a "spoiled brat" growing up with his mother giving him anything he wanted,...now he is taking advantage of her mental weakness and effectively has her doing the same thing. He knows that when she dies the credit card balances are neutralized and he won't have to pay for it. He'll find a way to do the same thing to you once she is gone and he needs a new source. Is there really any wonder why he wants to move in with you rather than you move in with him? 1
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Why are you asking when you already have the answer. He can't be trusted, and you risk jeopardizing your fiances if you move forward. He doesn't care what you think, or want. He lies because he doesn't care, he lies because he doesn't want to change, he lies because he doesn't want to make any effort, he lies in hopes you will believe him so he can continue to rip people off including yourself when he gets the chance. 1
carhill Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 In a dating situation, IMO it's healthier to leave each person's finances to them. If you don't see yourself marrying this guy, accepting that his style of managing money likely will never change, and you want to be married, I'd move on. Several years is enough and no doubt there are some good memories in there. If you otherwise enjoy the dating arrangement and aren't interested in being married, then continue and see how things are after his mother dies. I did the dementia caregiver/care manager thing while married and it was no picnic. Probably was a significant factor in the failure of our M. Dementia is terminal though, so there is an end date. Welcome to LS..... 1
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Like I said to the other 3-4 posters that came on here with the *exact* same story, this man is a compulsive liar AND most of all he's a user and a fraud. Who do you think he'll fraud when he's done with his mother? Yes, YOU. 4
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Why are you even giving anything like a wide berth to a known liar in the first place? He's never going to traffic in transparency, so stop squandering your youth behind him--you'll never get that time back. 1
Author excuses Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 thanks all for your input. How do I tell him that I finally give up after 5 years because of his dishonesty?
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 thanks all for your input. How do I tell him that I finally give up after 5 years because of his dishonesty? You say something like You know finances are important to me. Try as we might we're never going to be on the same page about money & I just can't do this anymore. Then you walk away. he's going to beg & plead & tell you he changed. He hasn't. He STOLE from his own mother while she is vulnerable. He's despicable. Walk run away & Don't look back! 3
Author excuses Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 he will wonder why I'm saying this all of a sudden. Don't I tell him I have reason to believe he is still using his mother's credit card including for a recent magazine purchase?
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 he will wonder why I'm saying this all of a sudden. Don't I tell him I have reason to believe he is still using his mother's credit card including for a recent magazine purchase? You don't need to give him a specific reason. Just tell him you have decided to move on without him, your 5 years history have left you bitter and the feeling is gone. If you start giving him specific reasons he'll start debating you over and over to prove you wrong. You know he's a liar so why open a door for him to lie even more. 3
Adiron Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 he will wonder why I'm saying this all of a sudden. Don't I tell him I have reason to believe he is still using his mother's credit card including for a recent magazine purchase? You're entitled to move on with your life and break up with him if it's not something you want to pursue. No matter what reason you give, no matter how much detail you go into, he's going to be unhappy. You need to make the break as simple and clean as possible. Such as "we have different goals in life, and different perspectives on things and I just don't see it working out long term, I've had this feeling for a long time it's not like it just happened last week, I'm sorry just not feeling it, good bye and good luck". 2
Author excuses Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 do I do this in person or in writing? In the past I've done it both ways but if I do it in writing, he has no chance to argue with me. My stomach has been in knots all week and I feel sick. Thoughts?
carhill Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Been together 'several years'? In person, face to face is my opinion.
kendahke Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 do I do this in person or in writing? In the past I've done it both ways but if I do it in writing, he has no chance to argue with me. My stomach has been in knots all week and I feel sick. Thoughts? Do it face to face and tell him you're decision isn't open to discussion or debate. It's final.
Author excuses Posted July 3, 2018 Author Posted July 3, 2018 first, I really appreciate all of your input. this is a very emotional thing and it is hard to think clearly, so thank you! Instead of breaking up immediately, I had a face to face and direct conversation and this is what he said: He didn't recall the magazine on his mother's card; it is an auto renewal but according to what I've learned, they send you an email before it's renewed and then of course, he would have rec'd her statement; I don't think he looks at it too carefully but just pays min., so it's possible he didn't realize it. But it is plausible?? if it is possible, I may want to hang in there and see what else develops but be on my guard vs. if it isn't, I'm out of here!!! Please share your thoughts and again it is very much appreciated!!!
kendahke Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 Only you know for certain if this is a wise course of action. I'd keep all of my financials completely separate from him from now on. His name goes on no accounts, he does not get any financial payout in any way, shape or form from you. What he comes with is what is his. Put your grown children on your important accounts and papers so there is absolutely no misunderstandings.
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