NewLee40 Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 I posted this in my online journal somewhere else. I'm not sure my readers got it. I thought I would post it here. Maybe some of you do... There's more I want to say on the topic. More I know I need to explore. But, for now, this is it. --------- I'm in a very strange emotional place right now. I feel kind of caught in some kind of purgatory between the bad and the good. I guess that's the definition of purgatory isn't it? The space between heaven and hell? After a good session with a client last night, I decided to take my own advice and settle down with a cup of tea and just "be." Took it out to the front porch, and as I was sitting there, I pulled my knees up to my chest as I sat with my back supported by the porch post. Pulling my knees up to my chest is a new feat for me, one that was not even possible prior to my tummy tuck. But, here I was, all folded up and feeling so very small. In spite of being a short person, I've never felt diminutive. I've always been stout and stocky. When I was twice the size I am now, I always felt like I took up more than my allotted space in the world anyway. But, last night, I felt small. Curled up into a ball, I just felt like a speck. I am a speck, really. We all are. Even at twice the size, I was and am speck - a mere grain of sand. Sadness from my ordeal with Steve lingers like the remnants of the hurricane that has devasted so many lives this week. There, underneath the cloudy night sky, a misty breeze caresses my face and tousles my hair. It seems so gentle by comparison to the earlier violence. And yet, it is from the same source. Yes, something really bad happened, but its over. There's an odd comfort to this goodbye caress - a hopefulness that the dawn will come and I'm still here, still alive, and able to face the rebuilding.
Blackfrost Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 We are all very small. It's the things we may choose do on this earth, while we're while here, that can make our names immortal through time.
RecordProducer Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 An Australian writer was diagnosed schizophrenia in her teen age and spent most of her life in mental hospitals. She remembers those years as eternal agony due to the treatment, the environment, the loneliness, lack of consolation... During these sad years he was writing books that were published and became very popular despite of everything... Many years later she gets out and moves to England. The psychiatrists make a clear accurate diagnosis - she has no schizophrenia and never has had it. She is perfectly healthy. She stated: "The truth hurt more than the lie." When we wake up from agony, we find it emotionally hard to adjust to the new life. We are so used to getting what we don't deserve that when the evil is gone, we are suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of injustice that was done to us. We feel guilty for letting unscrupulous people hurt an innocent human being - us. We are angry at ourselves for letting them get away with their deeds. We grieve the time - not wasted but - spent in misery. And we are happy that we can breathe freely and enjoy from now on. We are grateful for the courage we gathered with a huge delay. After years of sadness we are finally allowed to be happy. We think "It's not possible that this has happened only to me, that I voluntarily let myself be hurt like that." And we realize that there are so many people out there who are not happy as well, who have the same self-perception of a slave that must obey those who are stronger. We are just one of them. One small creature in the crowd. One grain of sand. 1
Author NewLee40 Posted September 1, 2005 Author Posted September 1, 2005 Thank you. Somehow I knew you would get it. I suppose I'm just going to feel a little vulnerable and raw for a while, and its going to hit me at odd moments. Yesterday, I was expecting news from the doctor on the results of my biopsy. Turns out, I don't have any news yet, but he doesn't know that. I was half living in fear he would call to find out the results, and half living in fear that he wouldn't. I know I can't talk to him either way. He didn't call. Sometimes I wonder if he cared even the tiniest bit. Yes, the truth hurts more than the lie.
Outcast Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 The fact that we are just little ants in an immeasurably vast universe is a great comfort to me. I used to sit on a bench on a terrace in the middle of a city and look at the teeny tiny windows of the offices around me, behind which I knew were even teenier desks with miniscule pieces of paper on them that the minute people were taking very seriously. It reminded me that very little is all that serious in the great scheme of things.
JS17 Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 It reminded me that very little is all that serious in the great scheme of things. I think that way but I would give anything to truly feel that way.
Outcast Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 I think that way but I would give anything to truly feel that way. Go sit somewhere where you, too, can look at tiny windows and teeny desks. Take a trip on a plane where you're so high you can't even see the tiny windows in the dots that are buildings. Imagine your home being one of the zillion dots - your life should shrink back into perspective.
RecordProducer Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 Dear Lee, I hope the results will be okay. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask you what it is about so I will only wish you to be healthy and feel good. You're welcome to contact my personal address from my web site if you want(the link is stated on my profile).
Author NewLee40 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 Just thought I'd post an update since its been a little while since I've posted. I started my new job and life has been very busy. I was out of town in the middle of the week on my first business trip. Last weekend, I thought I may actually be losing my mind. I could not stop crying. The depression was just overwhelming. I found myself wondering if I was actually having a breakdown. Of course, this wasn't all about the break-up. My grandfather is on his deathbed and the process of watching him die and watching my little family go through all this pain was just too much on top of everything else. Add to that, all my new job angst...well, you get the picture. These are the times when you really want to have that special someone at your side supporting you. Everyone around me has their husbands for support and to hold them when they cry. Not me. Yea, I was having myself quite the pity party. I'm feeling a little better, a little less diminished and a little more empowered. When I have too much time to think about it, I still can work myself down into a real quagmire. On my business trip, I vacillated between feeling excited about my future, to feeling like "why bother?" I had the opportunity to look at those teeny tiny houses and cars from the airplane and again was reminded of my own smallness in the world. So much is changing, its hard to assimilate it all. Sometimes, I even felt the sense that I was "flying away" from my ex. After my boss retired to his hotel room, I felt an overwhelming sense of lonliness again. As if my life was going to be an endless stream of lonely hotel rooms and work, work, work. Coming home was hard. The house is a wreck and there's an endless amount of work to be done. I feel like I have no place in the world anymore. I'm rambling...I know. This is the coping thread, right? I'm coping...that's about all I can say at the moment.
Blackfrost Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Yes Lee, this is coping: and at times we all feel this way inside too. Try to be positive, or at least find one positive thing each day that helps you to feel stronger. Be strong girl, this is not forever
confused&inneed Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 after reading all that has been said in your thread, i come to the assumption that we all feel small at times. Some may even feel as if they have no place in this world. but if we truly look deep inside ourselves, we will find our worth and all that we have to be thankful for everyday. and in that alone can make a person feel very big, and important. i am sorry to hear about grandfather, but remeber all the good times that you have had with hima and that you will be able to pass on your memories of him to others who wont get the chance to experience his personality and the joys that you have shared. i am also sad to hear about your biopsy, i hope all goes well with that. the waiting, i know, can be dreadful. When things get rough and your feeling small and meaningless, try doing some of things that made you happy when you were a child. Like ridding a bike, flying a kyte, make a sand castle, find shapes in the clouds, lay in the grass and gleem at the stars, jump rope, skip, go to the park and slide downth e slide and swing like when you were young......and Dont worry what people think... and if you are worried take a little kid with you. Good Luck and Have a Great Day!!!
Author NewLee40 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 Thanks Blackfrost...I needed to be reminded that this isn't forever. Confused..the biopsy came back ok. We are still "watching things" but the news could have been worse. Could have been better..but could have been worse.
confused&inneed Posted September 17, 2005 Posted September 17, 2005 I am glad to hear that is wasnt really bad. and things will all work out in the end, even when you dont think they will. Goodday, good luck, and keep peace in your heart
Author NewLee40 Posted September 18, 2005 Author Posted September 18, 2005 Thanks for the good thoughts, confused. This past week, he did contact me. I ignored the first call as he didn't leave a message and I figured he was just jerking the line to see if I was on it. He called again later, and also had his friend call. He said he just wanted to know if the results came back ok. I'm sure it was just an excuse for him to call, but I can't say anymore that he didn't at least check on me. The call was stilted and strained. I didn't inquire about him or give him too many other details. There is still so much pain on my part that I couldn't even hold the phone too close to my ear. He kept saying, "I can't hear you." I guess I would liken it to just flinching protectively not knowing what he might do next. I didn't leave him opportunity to do much and finally after a lot of awkward silences we hung up. Don't know if I'll hear from him again, but it did definitely feel like the distance between us is widening. Clearly, the pattern is changing. Anyway, onward I go. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep hoping that some day soon, I'll have some relief from the pain and depression that I'm suffering now. There are good moments and even some moments where I feel that longed for sense of peace and serenity that has been absent for so long. At one moment, driving home from work, I was actually smiling. The moment was so profound, I offered up a quick "thank you God" Moments of peace are so precious these days. As if I needed more incentive to stay away from this guy, I woke up the morning after he called and all my teeth were sore. I'm sure I must have been grinding them mightily in my sleep. The soreness disappated over the next few days in all but one tooth. By Thursday, the pain had become so severe that I had to see a dentist and found I had an abcessed. Oddly, nothing was wrong with the tooth itself (no cavity, no decay of any sort) and the endodontist they sent me to for an emergency root canal kept asking me if I'd had trauma to the area (i.e. had I been hit in the mouth or something) We determined it was probably just trauma from grinding my teeth. In addition, research I've done revealed that stress can aggravate peridontal disease and I believe that's what has happened in my case. The pain I've felt is beyond excruciating. I'm just now beginning to feel some relief. We tend to forget just how profoundly the stress our relationships can affect our health. Its just not worth it. So, now i'm just feeling depressed because I can't effectively deal with the tasks on my to do list because of all this pain. Its gotta get better right?
Author NewLee40 Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 So, here we are, two months out from the big break up with one false start in the middle. I think things are getting quite a bit better. I am not obsessing over him every minute of the day anymore and I get thorugh quite a few of them without crying. It sure would be nice to go through a day without thinking of him. I figure this is as good a thread as any to chroncicle my healing. I'm working hard, and thinking about my future knowing that he's not going to be in it. Thinking about my future with no one in it, in fact. Maybe some day I can hope and trust again, but I honestly don't know. After you've loved someone so completely and know you gave the very best of yourself to that person, and totally bought everyone of their lies, how can you ever put any stock in the words "I love you" again? I woke up this morning with thoughts of him. I usually do, but the pain has numbed quite a bit. But, this morning, I cried again for the first time. They weren't intense tears, but tears of resignation that comes from the knowledge that every bad memory you have of him was the truth, and every good one was a lie. Its that small feeling again, when you feel you've been played the fool and your love that was so big, and so real, was made light of and deemed lacking. I guess I'm depressed today. Thank God, its not every day. Perhaps I'm just feeling vulnerable because I have this abscessed tooth that isn't getting better and I'm having oral surgery today. I just want to feel strong again.
Art_Critic Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 It sure would be nice to go through a day without thinking of him. Hi New Lee.. This might take a while but with each day thinking of him will have a little less of an effect on you. You sound like your healing.... *Hugs*
slubberdegullion Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 NewLee40; The pain and self-doubt that comes through your words strikes me to the core. From heartbreak to surgery recuperation, from painful dental work to the firey wait for biopsy results, you have every right to tears and frustration. You are not alone. ArtCritic is right. You are on the path to healing. There will be good days and there will be not-so-good days, but from what you have written it seems clear that the road you are taking is a road of healing, of strength, of clarity and empowerment. Be strong, but also allow yourself time for reflection and sadness. You WILL get through this.
Author NewLee40 Posted October 15, 2005 Author Posted October 15, 2005 Well, here I am on Friday night. I'm doing ok, considering I used to so look forward to our Friday night's together. When it was over, and he was complaining about how unhappy he was in his life, I asked him if he was ever happy with me at all. He said, yes, he felt happy on Friday nights when we were hanging out. Now I face each weekend with anxiety, but it is getting easier. I'm thinking this one will be the best one yet for many reasons. I'm just feeling better. I had a date a week ago...a fix up arranged by my best friend. He works with her. It was kind of squicky though. I thought he was cute enough,(too young for me..29 years old) but he presented me with a heart shaped locket on our first date. Inside were the pictures I'd emailed him of me and my kids on one side and him and his kids on the other. Mind you, I'd only first talked to him in IM's on Saturday, on the phone Sunday, and met in person on Wednesday. Ummm....... Seems like they either are running from committment or jumping in blindly - never a happy medium. Anyway...it got worse, but I think I finally managed to shake him off my leg. I'm not ready for this...I can tell you that. Off to bed for me... Alone again, naturally.
Author NewLee40 Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 I wonder if I will ever get over this. I had a terrible day today. It all started with my feeling better. Towards the end of the week, I was really feeling happy, content, and like I was finally getting over him. I had a date with a former flame (without all the bad vibes) and was looking forward to dinner and catching up with him. He had not seen me since my surgery, so I was looking forward to a little bit of admiration I'd been holding my head a little higher and a little bit of pep was in my step. I'd had a proposition that was flattering earlier in the week. Even though I didn't follow up on it, I was finally feeling some of my confidence return. As one book I read on breakups, suggested, that must have tipped off his "spidey senses" that I was moving on and he calls. And like a fool, I answered. The call itself was benign enough. I was feeling up and positive, so it seemed like a good time (if there was one - and there isn't) to talk to him. He asked if I was dating and I said yes. He asked who, and I said I was dating several people. He said he missed talking to me, I said OK. He told me he still cared about me and wanted to know I was ok and to keep up with what was going on with me. I did not respond in kind. He asked me if I'd be home on Saturday night and I said no. Then the call ended. It won't be the last call, I'm sure. If I ever doubted it before, I don't doubt it now. Then, I hooked up with a different ex today (again, no bad vibes, it just wasn't a good match for various reasons) and ended up just being reminded as to how my relationships never seem to work out. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I'm just tired of spending every damn weekend alone crying. Then I went to Logans and drank margaritas the rest of the afternoon. Ugh. I just feel numb. I know I sound pathetic. I am. On another note, the narcissist thread seems to have disappeared. I'm sure its because of all the latest exchanges. That's sad. I thought in the end, everyone was ok with eachother. There's really no good time to ever pick up the phone. Ever.
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 You don't sound pathetic you sound like you are still healing.. You'll get there..
JohnJohn Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 On another note, the narcissist thread seems to have disappeared. I'm sure its because of all the latest exchanges. That's sad. I thought in the end, everyone was ok with eachother. Hi NewLee. I wondered too what happened to that other thread. Too much drama I suppose. Hang in there. The only observation/question I have for you is are you sure you are ready to date again? I know getting out there can be better than sitting alone, but on another hand it can disappoint you if your new date doesn't match up to expectations. And that can retard your healing as you'll start to look back. I've been in a similar situation. I'm dating now but I'm past the point of having any disappointment effect me. Do you feel you are to that point?
Author NewLee40 Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 No, John, I don't think I'm ready to date. These couple of guys that I saw, were more or less safe bets in terms of my expectations of them. I have none when it comes to them, so it seemed a nice way to get out of the house with very little emotional risk involved. And, they also felt safe because I knew them, we had a good rapport and we enjoyed eachother's company. The bottom line is; however, that I realized that either of them are really only interested in continuing with an FWB relationship. I actually entertained it with one of them, but unfortunately, I'm just not wired that way. Going "there" just seems to reinforce the unhealthy belief that that's all guys really want from me anyway, and it makes me very sad and depressed that I can't seem to meet anyone who can see and appreciate the whole woman and want a full and complete relationship. I'm in a weird place right now. I'm getting some of my confidence back and am feeling like getting out and about, meeting people and even dating casually and having fun. But, perhaps it would be advisable to wait until I've felt that way a little longer before I venture out and not go back to the recycle bin for company that didn't work out before. Right now, I just kind of feel like I don't even want to hope anymore....just resign myself to this life alone and get on with it.
bunnzy Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 All these moments and experiences can culminate into becoming part of yourself. It is something difficult to grasp, but if you can learn the principle of humility, it will put you on even footing with everyone around you. Noone is better or worse than you. We are all beggars before God, making mistakes, changing learning, and growing. We are dependant on others understanding and help more than we like to admit.
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