GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 So every week I go out with my friends. There is a guy in the group Paul who is very socially awkward. He shares a lot of personal drama with me about his family. How his 30 year old sister tries to live off the mother, how the mother adopted some foster children, and how they arent respectful enough to the mother. How the foster siblings (6 & 7 years old) ask the mother for toys all the time. I had to explain to him that they are children. Children ask for things. this is a 30 something year old man who explained that he knew his mother was poor when he was 5. I had to explain to him thats great, does he want a medal, and that since the foster kids didnt grow up in that household like he did, I am sure they are in the process of learning about the family's financial situation. You can not expect children to learn about finances especially when they are coming from another family. They have challenges in their life that they are overcoming very well in fact and are becoming well adjusted. He has had different challenges than them. Atleast he had a kind loving mother, who knows what type of situation the kids had been placed prior to being adopted. I thought it was in poor taste he was trying to impress me by throwing traumatised children under the bus like that. He will ambush me every time he sees me and start sharing personal family drama. I wonder if he talks like this about his own family how will he talk about others. It also makes me uncomfortable and I wonder why he feels the need to overshare like this. He talks **** about about his coworkers and his boss. I had to come out and ask him why he wont apply for a better job if those people are so beneath him. Yes they might be crazy and unprofessional but if hes so much better he can find a better job. He said its his own laziness in part. The truth comes out I guess. He also told me that he worked part time for a long time and he knows how tough it gets (again acting like he's so smart for seeing the rough side of life that nobody else has seen) and was trying to apply for section 8. I asked him why not just work full time, and he had no answer. then starts bragging to me about how much he makes and how he helps his mother with her bills. He makes half of what I make (I never told him). He brags about having a car with 300k miles but the car is always in the shop. He is so proud of himself for buying such a cheap car but I told him it would be better to buy a toyota corolla with around 100k miles that isnt always in the shop. He would save more money. Nope, he thinks hes a genius for getting old cars that are not computerized. That a mechanical car is always fixable. Keep in mind, he takes his car to a mechanic, he doesnt do any work on it. He came up to me and bragged about having his phone for 3 years. I've never met a guy who tried to pick up women with how old his car and cell phone are. Usually men want to show the opposite. He also puts people down for owning their own house, b/c he thinks they are unwise with their money b/c they spend more money a month when they factor in taxes. I had to tell him, that when they sell the house they are not throwing money down the drain. And if they own the house, then after awhile all they pay is taxes nothing else. Its like he's penny wise pound foolish. Every time I meet him he talks about how his sister is so "materialistic" and cares too much what others think of her. That she is too into clothing and materialistic things. Idk why he has to tell me this and talk about her so negatively. I drive a Lexus, he is attracted to me b/c of how I dress and carry myself so why is he trying to win me over w/ his poverty/ frugality? Why wont he go for a woman who shares his values? Idk why he keeps pursuing me. He bought a canoe for $300 that doesnt work, it leaks and is in danger of sinking every time he takes it out. He went on and on about how his foster siblings were so impressed with the canoe and that he was their hero for awhile. All my friends in our crowd seem to love him. I've had douchebags and had my heart broken and my friends keep telling me he is better than them and I need to give him a chance and hes the type I need to be dating. Should I give this guy a chance? Is there something good about him that I'm overlooking. He helps a lot of his friends move and helps people giving them rides when their car breaks down etc. Am I overlooking a nice guy. Is he even a nice guy. My man picker is broken. Am I making a big mistake by not going for this guy.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Are you really asking this? Who the heck are these friends who like this guy. He seems completely insufferable ... and long-winded ... one of those folks that you see at work ... and you pause ... and allow them to get far ahead of you so that you don't get pulled into one of their self-centered monologues. Are you really asking this question? ... Is there some attraction you have to this guy that you're not stating? You plan on dating him by using earplugs? 2
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 You don't like the guy. You find him gossipy & you think the way he spends money makes no sense (too cheap to be functional). He's probably not a bad person but that doesn't mean you have to date him. If all your friends are telling you to stop dating the guys you have been dating & try dating this guy, try to find a different guy who has more of this guy's good traits & less of the characteristics your friends found objectionable in the other guys. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I cannot fathom why you would even consider this guy an option. It's clear you don't like him and he irritates you. Let that be your guide, not what other people think you should do. 3
heavenonearth Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 After reading these long paragraphs of you dirt talking this guy, i didn’t expect the last paragraph to be about how you may consider dating him. You don’t like this person one bit. So why are you even asking this question? That aside, i think you too come across as unlikeable, because you are really downtalking this person in an arrogant manner. Maybe that’s why your friends consider you two being a good match? Maybe it’s your bad qualities that you share? All in all, if you really consider dating someone you really freaking don’t like, then i can’t even give advice on that any more. That’s not something i have ever witnessed with any of my friends. 1
act00 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 He's judgmental, a whiner, and complainer. Of course he's dumping all over people who have the money...he doesn't, so he craps all over them. It's a jealousy and insecurity issue, possibly damaged. For whatever reason, you have become his sounding board...for everything. My suspicion is that he is more well-liked by others because he doesn't unload on them the same way he does with you, even if he is cynical. He drives you up a wall and you don't enjoy him. He's going to pick at you and your choices as well...if he hasn't already started. As a couple, it's bound to get worse. I don't know why you're even entertaining the thought. He clashes with you personality-wise, and nowhere in this post do you even express a romantic interest...maybe you did at first, and then he became this judgmental person you don't really like all that much. If you did date, it's just a matter of time before you start challenging his stinking thinking and pointing out his flawed thinking...bickering ensues, hurt feelings, bitterness. You will take his harsh judgement on others personally, and dare you spend money on something he sees as frivolous. It's not a good fit. He's a "Debbie downer" and you don't need that. 1
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I’m curious as to why he picked me to date. What vibe did I give off? My lifestyle is very different from him. I would be considered a “frivolous “ person by him. Is he looking for a woman he can change? Like taking on a project? I want to know why men who have similar lifestyles with me are not into me. I do think he uses me as a sounding board and he’s not judge mental like that with others. They don’t see his bad side. One of my best friends who knows me better than others kept telling me he is what I need. That this guy sees me as a goddess. Her bf was talking to me and he said Paul gave him a dirty insecure look because he thought the guy was with me. Other friends always tell me Paul is a nice guy. He’s not like the others. He treats women well. He will always be there for others etc. I’m always saying no he’s not nice. Nobody listens. I know my man picker is broken. This is why I was confused.
snowboy91 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 You know in a lot of ways he's a bad match for you, and you're a bad match for him. And yet you think your "man picker is broken". The picker may break when you like people who turn out to be bad for you. You don't seem to like this guy, and for the right reasons. It may not work all the time, but I think it's working fine here. 1
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 My friends always tell me when I say he constantly talks about family members even little kids their response is “aww he’s opening up to you. That’s so cute. He really trusts you”. I wish he would do that with them. Why did he have to pick me? Or “Paul is socially awkward. He means well”. Just because someone is awkward does not mean they can’t be a bad person.
Chilli Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 l'm just chuckling because you say he "shares" as you put it way to much with you , but then ahh, you just went and "shared" it all with a million people you don't even know, and threw in his name too. Hope he's not on LS , awkwardddddd
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 This is an advice forum where people share and ask for advice. That’s why I’m here. Oh and I gave him a fake name. His name is not Paul.
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Should I give this guy a chance? No. Do you honestly think he'll flip into someone else once you do? He's not. He's a cringy tightwad who doesn't understand the stupidity of throwing good money away behind decrepit cars and old cell phones. This is not an endearing trait--it will be what suffocates your goodwill and comity. And there is a difference between being materialistic and being cognizant of buying quality goods that won't fall apart within the month. He's too stunted to appreciate the difference and you don't want to be stuck with someone like that.
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 There is nothing cute about him...if you dated him he would be talking trash about you. He's a negative nelly with no life of his own...he has to live through everyone else. 1
carhill Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Normal is boring. By the length of the post, this guy, while perhaps meeting all the negative adjectives being assigned, stirs something. He elicits emotions. He might be boorish but isn't boring. Interesting.
Rockdad Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 There are people that seem to be good with being around negative tudes and gossipers. If that is you go for it. Personally it feels like the life has been sucked from me after being around them even once.
bathtub-row Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 There’s a polite way to get out of those diatribes about his family. Stop letting him waste your time.
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 There’s a polite way to get out of those diatribes about his family. Stop letting him waste your time. What is a polite way w/o offending him when I want to get away from him. I guess this is what I really want to know. How do I end the conversation when he starts talking to me? Its really hard. We were all at a bar. I was listening intently to what a really funny guy was telling us. I was lost in the conversation. He sees me talkign to this guy and immediately says "Green Tea937" and tries to engage me in conversation. I put up my finger like not now I'm listening. He still tries to get my attention and interrupts. Now I missed out on the conversation which is what he wanted in the first place. I keep talking to the guy. Whenever he sees me, he interrupts me if I'm talking to others and tries to have a one on one conversation with me. He gets allergic if Im talking to others especially more funny witty men. Keep in mind he and I never dated, never kissed, never slept together, nothing.
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 What is a polite way w/o offending him when I want to get away from him. I guess this is what I really want to know. How do I end the conversation when he starts talking to me? Its really hard. We were all at a bar. I was listening intently to what a really funny guy was telling us. I was lost in the conversation. He sees me talkign to this guy and immediately says "Green Tea937" and tries to engage me in conversation. I put up my finger like not now I'm listening. He still tries to get my attention and interrupts. Now I missed out on the conversation which is what he wanted in the first place. I keep talking to the guy. Whenever he sees me, he interrupts me if I'm talking to others and tries to have a one on one conversation with me. He gets allergic if Im talking to others especially more funny witty men. Keep in mind he and I never dated, never kissed, never slept together, nothing. He keeps acting rude because you're too afraid to be rude back to him. Seriously---when he tried to keep talking after you gestured to him "not right now", I'd have said "Excuse me, but I'm having a conversation with someone else right now and I dont' appreciate you interrupting me. Unless the building is on fire, anything you have to say to me can wait. Now go do something else and when I'm done, we can speak". Yeah, you're going to have to take it there. It's not your job to re-raise a grown man who should have been taught at age 4 not to interrupt grown folks' conversations. Also, it's time for you and him to stop any socializing together because he doesn't know how to act in public. 1
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 He keeps acting rude because you're too afraid to be rude back to him. Seriously---when he tried to keep talking after you gestured to him "not right now", I'd have said "Excuse me, but I'm having a conversation with someone else right now and I dont' appreciate you interrupting me. Unless the building is on fire, anything you have to say to me can wait. Now go do something else and when I'm done, we can speak". Yeah, you're going to have to take it there. It's not your job to re-raise a grown man who should have been taught at age 4 not to interrupt grown folks' conversations. Also, it's time for you and him to stop any socializing together because he doesn't know how to act in public. LOL I love this. I would have said this except we were at a table with 8 other people. It would have made the situation uncomfortable. people would have been upset with me that I choose to invest my energy in *******s but nice sweet guys like "Paul" I'm mean to. People dont see his bad side It would have created an awkward and uncomfortable situation. A lot of people would have started going home due to the awkwardness. 1
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 LOL I love this. I would have said this except we were at a table with 8 other people. It would have made the situation uncomfortable. people would have been upset with me that I choose to invest my energy in *******s but nice sweet guys like "Paul" I'm mean to. People dont see his bad side It would have created an awkward and uncomfortable situation. A lot of people would have started going home due to the awkwardness. Oh, you don't have to yell this or make it audible to anyone else at the table. You say that in your lowest, most scary-calm voice you can muster. (granted, this is coming from a 58 yr old who is long past worrying about how other people think) Honey, let them be uncomfortable. That will be short-lived. Perhaps they need to have this happen so that when they befriend him and he turns his routine onto them, they'll see first hand why you did what you did. Here's the thing: Paul isn't nice and sweet. He is rude, he lacks social graces and it's not your job to raise him. His parents should have taken care of that over 20 years ago and failed miserably at it. 1
Poutrew Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I think your office co-workers have a bet going on. To see if they can get the two most un-likeable people together. The winner of the pool is the one whos guess nails the wedding day... only trouble, is that you are the 'other' one...
bathtub-row Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Normal is boring. By the length of the post, this guy, while perhaps meeting all the negative adjectives being assigned, stirs something. He elicits emotions. He might be boorish but isn't boring. Interesting. Normal people? Who knows anyone like this? Lol.
carhill Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Look around when one of these guys is bloviating. They're quietly listening and watching. Taking it all in. If you spot one, chat them up in private. See what's up. I ran into a lot of guys like this guy at the race track; the bloviators. It was the quiet ones who one would find grabbing a wrench when things went sideways. Just a nod and a few words and turn the wrenches and no desire for even a thank you. Normal.
Author GreenTea937 Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 Look around when one of these guys is bloviating. They're quietly listening and watching. Taking it all in. If you spot one, chat them up in private. See what's up. I ran into a lot of guys like this guy at the race track; the bloviators. It was the quiet ones who one would find grabbing a wrench when things went sideways. Just a nod and a few words and turn the wrenches and no desire for even a thank you. Normal. What are you talking about??!
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