ElKay Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 So, I've been on a dating app and have been having some nice conversations online. I like to talk a bit longer (a couple weeks) before meeting in person since I tend to get a good idea whether it might get awkward in person or not. Now, the last 3 guys I met off of it had some nice smart conversations online, while still being silly at times. When I met them in person, all three were going off on tangents that, although funny, made them seem really immature. I guess I'm just wondering, do they just feel too comfortable so they're saying everything that comes to mind? When I complained to my mom, she said that they might just have been trying to make me laugh and impress me, so that's why they went down that path. In case it helps, I'm 28 and have only been meeting guys older than myself. I can be quite silly at times as well, so I did enjoy myself to a degree, I just felt like an old lady sometimes when I would listen to them... I'm still going to try and meet them a second time since I want them to have the benefit of the doubt, so it's not that crazy of an issue, but I just want to know if there's something causing this outpour of immaturity..?
Happy Lemming Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Have you thought about meeting people in "real life"?? Local Pub, book store, sporting event?? You might have better luck. Do you think the "on-line" guys (you have met) lack confidence and that is why they seem awkward and don't have proper conversational skills?? It may not be immaturity, but lack of experience and confidence...
mortensorchid Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Can you give a specific example? Once a few years ago I met some guy in OLD and he seemed a bit of a goofball, then he started in with sexual comments. Needless to say I never heard from him again after our meeting. But specifics would be better to judge.
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I wonder if it is because the medium of texting/messaging itself is more for silly, small insignificant things? In other words, it's bound to be skewed toward immature or nonsense or boring kind of--unless the guy is particularly good at it. And it's probably hard to be really good at texting with YOU when they don't really know you. Hard to get traction on subjects and no intonation or very little inside jokes or special things between you yet--things that are easily conveyed in person with non-verbal communication & speech patterns. Probably should consider breaking your habit of not meeting until after a few weeks because it can suck the momentum out of what connection might exist and it's a non-tested chemistry for a lot of reasons until you DO meet in person.
Author ElKay Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 Have you thought about meeting people in "real life"?? Local Pub, book store, sporting event?? You might have better luck. Do you think the "on-line" guys (you have met) lack confidence and that is why they seem awkward and don't have proper conversational skills?? It may not be immaturity, but lack of experience and confidence... I'm way too shy to just talk with random people out in the real life and I don't want to meet guys in pubs if I don't want to hang out there, nor if I wouldn't want my guy to hang out there later. I tried meeting people in dog parks and at the animal shelter I used to volunteer at for years, but I've not met someone single and less than 20 years older than me... They've definitely had way more experience than I've had so far, so I think it could be the lack of confidence during the first date. Can you give a specific example? Once a few years ago I met some guy in OLD and he seemed a bit of a goofball, then he started in with sexual comments. Needless to say I never heard from him again after our meeting. But specifics would be better to judge. Luckily, they've not gone into that territory or else I wouldn't see them after the first date. I guess one thing that actually hurt me a bit beyond just saying immature jokes is that one mentioned old people falling and hurting themselves. We were just talking about how younger animals and people can spring up from injuries much more easily. I said that a fall for an older person can even mean the end for them. He laughed and said they just needed a reason to die so that was it. I mentioned that my great grandma had died from a fall like that, so he laughed and said he fell really painfully before and so my great grandma got him back..? I try not to be a stickler or anything, but it just seemed a little in bad taste after I had told him that this had affected me personally.
Author ElKay Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I wonder if it is because the medium of texting/messaging itself is more for silly, small insignificant things? In other words, it's bound to be skewed toward immature or nonsense or boring kind of--unless the guy is particularly good at it. And it's probably hard to be really good at texting with YOU when they don't really know you. Hard to get traction on subjects and no intonation or very little inside jokes or special things between you yet--things that are easily conveyed in person with non-verbal communication & speech patterns. Probably should consider breaking your habit of not meeting until after a few weeks because it can suck the momentum out of what connection might exist and it's a non-tested chemistry for a lot of reasons until you DO meet in person. I think I should in fact start trying to meet earlier. I was just so depressed last year when I had met some really bad matches that it felt like a waste of time, so I'm really afraid of jumping in too quickly for a date and wasting time. I think I'm weird. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I think I should in fact start trying to meet earlier. I was just so depressed last year when I had met some really bad matches that it felt like a waste of time, so I'm really afraid of jumping in too quickly for a date and wasting time. I think I'm weird. Yes i think you should meet earlier. Just bite the bullet and go. Better than wasting 2 weeks talking to some guy who will bore you because the conversation will get boring over messaging or will get bored of you for similar reason. I think it will make you more decisive--you might not be as open for as many guys but you will probably make better choices. They say that people have a gut instinct about who they are attracted to in a matter of seconds. Also conversely you won't get attached to some guy who might disappear or disappoint in person--and have wasted two weeks Sometimes adrenalin alone helps create a good date. Pushing your own limits. (Obviously be safe) but if you comfort level is pushed you might access feelings (good ones) that you keep closed off to in theory to try to prevent hurt but that prevents you from living and experiencing. So yes, try to meet sooner I think it will help. Oh and i don't think you're weird. OLD is brutal and dismissive. Take it with a grain of salt & lightheartedness & try to meet people in real life too! 1
act00 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I also vote to meet earlier if possible. The texts may be fun, but you don't get a good idea of personality. I've been locked into the perpetual texting, and simply grew tired of wasting time maintaining the text routine. Two weeks is about my top-off point because if they're that busy or that uninterested to meet ASAP, it's just going to drag out. I don't know if you're losing prospects by pushing back the first meet. I've heard plenty of complaints from OLD men complaining about the same thing...they get locked into this texting thing and never get a meeting, so they pretty much duck out at the sign of flaky, weird, crazy, uninterested, bored...based on length of texting time. It can be simple, short...drinks, coffee...in a public setting, and if it turns out good, you can either extend the date...dinner?...or plan another one quickly. If this is not something you want to do, then you'll do what everyone else does and just weed through the prospects and hopefully find one that fits. Whether you meet right away or not, you're still stuck with guys that just won't work. It does spare some time. It's impossible not to get a little crushy and infatuated and attached with the texts and what you think that person is, and when your fantasy doesn't play out in real life, it can be a let-down. Throwing out jokes might be nerves or an ice-breaker, so I think another date is worth a try, but sense of humor is also a personality thing...similar sense of humor is important. 1
central Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 In the early days of online dating, I'd often email for weeks before meeting, as it was a good way to screen people. Now, it's meet as soon as possible. The good ones have so many options they'll be gone before you get around to meeting. So, better to meet ASAP and decide to continue, or not. You learn far more, far more quickly, when you meet in person. You may waste some time, but lose fewer good opportunities. 2
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I think it's a bad idea to spend 3 weeks talking to someone online. What you are doing is building an artificial construct around who you "THINK" they are and you begin investing in that instead of meeting them sooner, having these conversations and gauging for yourself, in person and in real life, if they really are someone you want to invest in. What happens when you spend more than a week chatting with someone is that your mind fills in the blanks about who/what they are when in reality, those blanks don't exist---and when you meet them face to face, you're spending your time running algebra calculations trying to get them to fit their square selves into your circle opening and when that fails, you lose interest because your fantasy of them didn't animate on command. I don't give anyone more than one week to meet. If they won't or they come up with excuses, then they're either scammers or they're married and mad at their wives and are doing that "take that" crap by being on the dating site talking to women behind her back. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 I think I should in fact start trying to meet earlier. I was just so depressed last year when I had met some really bad matches that it felt like a waste of time, so I'm really afraid of jumping in too quickly for a date and wasting time. I think I'm weird. I totally relate to your feelings and approach, so that makes two of us. I'm not doing online dating right now, but when I was last year, I almost always got to know a man via texting and phone call(s) for at least a week or two before meeting. In many cases, it will fizzle or you'll lose interest in him within a few days of corresponding, so it saves a lot of time. Now I'm talking to men online on platforms other than online dating, and I totally relate to wanting to take things slow and vet carefully before meeting. Someone wants to meet soon, but I'm just letting the conversation simmer for now, and we'll see. If it's meant to be, a little caution won't change that. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 In general, the sooner the person wants to meet, the better. Otherwise you will end up texting / emailing / talking for weeks, sometimes months, on end and it will turn into just a chat relationship. When I first started OLDing years ago I was talking with this guy on the Yahoo chat (once we moved it to there) and we chatted for months and months. Every time I asked if and when we should meet, he said he was too insecure to do so or he had other plans, etc. I began to realize this was just a chat relationship. Another I met years ago said once we did meet face to face that he only did OLD because he had amassed texting buddies. I knew immediately this wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't interested in me that way. And sure enough, never heard a word from him again after our meeting. 1
Grey40 Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Yeah you sound like a very inexperienced online dater. Which is totally fine, but what you need to realize is that you can’t build a solid connection at all with someone over text. People hide behind texting and can be 100% different in person so you need to meet them sooner. If they don’t ask you out within 4-5 days of talking, on to the next imo. I pretty much ask girls out that I meet literally after 4-6 messages back and forth and if they are at hesitant I delete and move on. It’s the best way to weed out people that aren’t taking the app seriously, or to weed out people who are freshly broken up and just using the app for ego boost and window shopping. I’m not going to waste weeks of my life talking to a girl who may never meet up with me in person, or to build up al this tension to find out they’re literally a different person in real life personality wise. Don’t do it. 1
Author ElKay Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 I'm more of an inexperienced dater than an inexperienced online dater... I'm going to follow everyone's advice and try to meet them within a week or two... which is going to be hard since I can only deal with up to 3 dates per week because it wears me out so much to meet someone new, even when it was fun! But I'll try and report back if/when I have better updates.
Chilli Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) lf your dating 3 different people a week maybe you better go buy yourself a new picker. Don;t you think about the person and look for someone suitable , someone special, who may only pop up once or twice in 12 mths.? Why would you waste your time dating 3 total no ones a week. Edited June 29, 2018 by Chilli
nospam99 Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 lf your dating 3 different people a week maybe you better go buy yourself a new picker. Don;t you think about the person and look for someone suitable , someone special, who may only pop up once or twice in 12 mths.? Why would you waste your time dating 3 total no ones a week. Hey Chilli, what works for me as a 60-something male, may be totally wrong for a 20-something female like OP ElKay. Yeah, I MEET (not necessarily date) about one grandma each month. But for a young woman ... well ... with as many interested men as probably contact her, she may need to meet three each week just to give herself an opportunity to check them out. I don't recall any 20-something females on LS who have successfully met a guy she really liked online to post and describe her tactics. Anyone like that out there reading this thread?
Author ElKay Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 Hey Chilli, what works for me as a 60-something male, may be totally wrong for a 20-something female like OP ElKay. Yeah, I MEET (not necessarily date) about one grandma each month. But for a young woman ... well ... with as many interested men as probably contact her, she may need to meet three each week just to give herself an opportunity to check them out. I don't recall any 20-something females on LS who have successfully met a guy she really liked online to post and describe her tactics. Anyone like that out there reading this thread? This! Very spot on! And it's not like I always date 3 guys per week, last week I had only met 1 guy. I filter a ton before meeting anyone and anyone I meet, it's because I feel like we might get along and want to give them a chance in person. I had met my last two boyfriends online as well and it took me about 6 months to find each one, so I guess I'm just being a bit impatient right now since I've only been on the dating app for a little over a month.
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