Ronni Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 Hi all, I've been a member here for approximately 2 years and had a few incidents which I've posted about here. I'll give a brief background and go into the story: Been with my partner for almost 3 years now and we were living together for the past 2 years up until April this year. Things haven't been great between us and there was arguments and a lot of it came from my insecure behaviour (I know, I know) and I pushed her away. We decided to try to save the relationship it would be best for me to move out and we see each other when we can. I moved out in April and kept in contact however the new arrangement was not something I wanted and was in a mess for a few weeks before adjusting. I missed my partner and more so her little girl who is 5 and I see her as my own child. I found it tough not seeing them and there was a lot of uncertainty around our relationship especially on my part. I asked her questions about how she thinks it will work and how long will it be for. She said we will see how it goes but she cannot live with me again. I said it will never work long term like this as it isn't what I want. By trying to figure out what was going on she kept losing patience with me and every time I would ask about the relationship she would get annoyed. I kept with the arrangement and seen her twice a week. For me that's not enough but it worked for her. The separation didn't seem to affect her, maybe because it wasn't her who had to change their surroundings. As time went by, I could sense change. She was working more, was hardly texting and only briefly when she text. She said her feelings hadn't changed and that she was just busy. When I went to hers she seemed more distant so I thought I need to take a step back and not give her as much of my time. After doing this we seemed to get on better, we would see each other a few hours during the week and maybe stay over one night at the weekend. Everything seemed fine but it didn't feel like a proper relationship, to me it was like we were in a casual relationship. I didn't bring it up but a few weeks later I had to say something. I said it feels more like a casual relationship now than what we had and she replied with "I can't give you a proper relationship right now, I've got too much stress to deal with" in the same conversation she also told me "I'm not in love with you but I do love you" this was a blow to take and just couldn't get my head around it. I carried on seeing her and kept my cool, still seeing her occasionally and didn't let things bother me in the hope of trying to rebuild her attraction for me. We got on well but I could always sense from her body language things wasn't right. If I pulled her close for a kiss she would put her arm in the way or after sex she would just get up and go downstairs or whatever. If I told her I loved her she wouldn't say anything back. Now during all this I told her a few times I couldn't deal with it and split up. She always said she didn't want to break up and wanted to work on things so I kept up hope with a view to things changing. Some days we would only text once or twice and it's like we have both moved on but still together, it's a weird relationship. Now after finding out she didn't have feelings anymore etc I asked her about attending her daughter's dance show which is on Friday. She had already bought her ticket but didn't ask me when she bought it. I asked if the child's Dad was going and she said yes. She got his ticket when she got hers but didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. That really hurt on top of everything else that had happened. I'm at the point of walking away now but when I tell her I can't pit up with it she says she thought we was going to see how it goes. My answer to that is, I don't want to be in a relationship where I live separately after 3 years and hardly see you. She said she won't hold me to ransom and if I don't want to be in it then it's my decision. I said it's her decision, I'm the only one trying to make it work and fix it. She said we won't live together for a long time and for me, it isn't what I want. Should I walk now and never look back? I understand I broke it initially when we lived together but forget about that, as things stand she has lost feelings and I don't see me getting things back to how they once were. We are due to go away for 2 weeks in July, the 3 of us. It's all paid for and if I walk away I will be dreading this trip. At this moment in time I feel hurt by her and don't want to see her. I need to get over her and move on with my life. I love her so much and made so many changes since moving out that I'm completely different now. I thought this would have been the woman I'd be with for life but it's not meant to be. Should I start no contact now?
smackie9 Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 She's not saying it in so many words but she wants to move on. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 A trip with her and the kid this point will only be painful for you, torture. So don't fake it ... Listen, the kid has a father ... So your relationship is secondary ... Let that relationship take time ... Over time ... months ... many months perhaps, you can probably spend time with the kid, but the kid isn't the priority here. The kid has a mom and a dad. So your role is not central at this point. Yes, I'd cancel the trip ... even if I lose money ... Unless you can go on that trip feeling really great ahead of time. So yes, it's time for No Contact ... for your own mental wellbeing. 1
Author Ronni Posted June 27, 2018 Author Posted June 27, 2018 A trip with her and the kid this point will only be painful for you, torture. So don't fake it ... Listen, the kid has a father ... So your relationship is secondary ... Let that relationship take time ... Over time ... months ... many months perhaps, you can probably spend time with the kid, but the kid isn't the priority here. The kid has a mom and a dad. So your role is not central at this point. Yes, I'd cancel the trip ... even if I lose money ... Unless you can go on that trip feeling really great ahead of time. So yes, it's time for No Contact ... for your own mental wellbeing. It's cost me a lot of money and I paid half for the child. It will be the only break I get this year and is almost 2 weeks away. She wants us to be together but on the terms I've mentioned in my OP. My last hope was that we really get on when we are away and things progress again. I just don't know.
Zahara Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 It's cost me a lot of money and I paid half for the child. It will be the only break I get this year and is almost 2 weeks away. She wants us to be together but on the terms I've mentioned in my OP. My last hope was that we really get on when we are away and things progress again. I just don't know. Your emotional health and your self-respect is far more valuable than money spent on a trip that is going to cause you more misery. She's checked out. She keeps you there as a transitional crutch. Her reactions towards you are indicative of a woman that is only putting up with you. You've been clingy and needy for so long. It's unattractive. You should walk away. A trip is not going to change her view of you. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 If you go on this trip you will be miserable & it will show. She doesn't want to be with you & you are desperately hoping to fix things. This was over shortly after you moved out, if not before. As soon as she said she was not "in love with you" you should have been done. You held out hope & you so desperately want this to work, that you are digging yourself in deeper by continuing to try. See if she can substitute another friend of hers on the trip. You get your money & go anywhere else.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 I think your relationship is all but over, OP. My guess is she will keep her distance after this trip. I'm sure she'd like to see her child have a good time, but I would not be surprised if she continues to fade after you return.
Author Ronni Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 She actually wants things to carry on and see if we can get it back to how it was but what has really annoyed me is not being asked to go and see her daughter dancing knowing her Dad was going. He only sees her approximately once a month whereas I've been there every day and give her a lot of my time. But he's her Dad so..... I'm gonna go and keep things amicable. I don't think I'll be miserable because there's plenty I can do to keep me happy and entertained, plus the resort is huge and I can always take myself off on my own days out. We are only sharing a room. I spoke to her on the phone last night, every time I call her I can a bit anxious as I get the impression I'm annoying/bothering her and she always seems too busy. She will text like once every 3 hours and it's only a few words. At this moment in time I am a bit hurt but I've known this was coming months ago. My feelings are drifting off, I don't love her as much as I used to but we are still both physically attracted to each other and will probably be tearing each other apart sexually when we are away and I know that's not good but I doubt I'll be able to resist.
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 (edited) She's not being direct with you because from what you've written, she wants you out but is expecting you to catch a hint. If she doesn't know today that she wants a future with you after all the time you've spent with her, then you need to deduce from that that she doesn't want a life with you, despite how you feel about her. I hope you have insurance on your trip so you don't lose money. I'd go on and go just to get away and be in an environment where she isn't. And yes, NC from now til times get better. The NC isn't for her---it's for you. You need space right now to wean off of her. Any woman who isn't as enthusiastic about being with you or wanting you in her life is someone you need to drop off at the mall and keep going. what has really annoyed me is not being asked to go and see her daughter dancing knowing her Dad was going. He only sees her approximately once a month whereas I've been there every day and give her a lot of my time. But he's her Dad so..... And that's going to trump anything you think you add to the matter. The fact that she isn't ready to have you and her child's father in the same room speaks volumes about where she feels your relationship is after 3 years. Edited June 28, 2018 by kendahke 1
Author Ronni Posted June 28, 2018 Author Posted June 28, 2018 She's not being direct with you because from what you've written, she wants you out but is expecting you to catch a hint. If she doesn't know today that she wants a future with you after all the time you've spent with her, then you need to deduce from that that she doesn't want a life with you, despite how you feel about her. I hope you have insurance on your trip so you don't lose money. I'd go on and go just to get away and be in an environment where she isn't. And yes, NC from now til times get better. The NC isn't for her---it's for you. You need space right now to wean off of her. Any woman who isn't as enthusiastic about being with you or wanting you in her life is someone you need to drop off at the mall and keep going. And that's going to trump anything you think you add to the matter. The fact that she isn't ready to have you and her child's father in the same room speaks volumes about where she feels your relationship is after 3 years. Exactly. I say to her shall we just call it a day? And her response is "Is that what you want to do?" To which I reply with "No but you're not giving me any choice, you've lost feelings and I don't understand why you want to carry on" so she says "I thought we were going to see how it goes" I'm just lost and confused with it and it feels like if I split with her it's my decision when its really her decision she just won't do it.
Zahara Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Exactly. I say to her shall we just call it a day? And her response is "Is that what you want to do?" To which I reply with "No but you're not giving me any choice, you've lost feelings and I don't understand why you want to carry on" so she says "I thought we were going to see how it goes" You need to put aside what she's saying and focus on what she's doing. Actions -- not words. Are her actions indicative of a woman investing effort into trying to make a relationship work? The answer is no. There is nothing in what you posted that even minutely relays effort or interest. You need to also understand that dumpers need to process an ending. While they want to end it with you, they also face the fear of moving into the next phase. They usually dangle you on a string until they are finally ready to cut you off. This is what she's doing - tying her emotional and mental loose ends. You're a man that can decide his own fate. You don't place it in her hands. Again, this is another sign to her that you are weak. Based on everything that she is doing, you need to be strong enough to say -- this isn't right for me, I deserve much more and I do not need her to make the decision for me. Instead you're sitting there waiting to be picked up. It's not attractive to a woman, especially one that has already checked out. 1
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Exactly. I say to her shall we just call it a day? And her response is "Is that what you want to do?" Notice each time she doesn't answer a simple *no* to the question. She wants YOU to end it so it makes her feel better. She knows she is not treating you right and having to break up with you on top of it would make her feel like she's a real arsehole so she wants YOU to end it to ease her mind. To which I reply with "No but you're not giving me any choice, you've lost feelings and I don't understand why you want to carry on" so she says "I thought we were going to see how it goes" Again, how is that a proper answer to a very serious question? She answers this casually like you had asked her if she wants Chinese or Mexican for dinner. Pull it off like you would pull off a band-aid. One big stroke and you're done. Stop torturing yourself with this slow separation. She will not change back, she is over with you and is too coward to say so. 1
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 (edited) Exactly. I say to her shall we just call it a day? And her response is "Is that what you want to do?" Her game is deflection. Answering a question with a question is deflecting. She knows good and well you don't want to call it a day, but she's manipulating you by turning this around on you when she knows exactly what you'd rather have happening. It's insulting to your intelligence, and quite frankly, I don't see how you're still dealing with someone who is playing you for a fool like she is. To which I reply with "No but you're not giving me any choice, you've lost feelings and I don't understand why you want to carry on" so she says "I thought we were going to see how it goes" I'd have said "right now, it's not going anywhere that I want to go, so peace (chucking deuces on my way out the door, peace sign turns to middle finger) I'm just lost and confused with it and it feels like if I split with her it's my decision when its really her decision she just won't do it. There is nothing you can do to force a master manipulator to own up to her maneuvering you into taking responsibility for her decision. Just leave and stop talking to her. Set her adrift and let her float wherever she wants to go. You don't need to be a part of that ride. You want someone who knows they want you in their life like they know the nose on their face. You don't need a manipulator playing you out like she is, then turning it around on you. Here is some truth for you: you're not a hapless victim in this who has no agency in his life to make his own decisions. You've given her more than enough time. Time's up. In the meantime, I refer you to my signature line below: _______ | | | | V V V V Edited June 28, 2018 by kendahke 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Time to face up to that uncomfortable truth that will also have to deal with at some point in our life: if she wanted you, she would tell you and she would act like she wanted you. Time together won't magically change that ... even with the kid around and you being your wonderful nurturing self with the kid.' If she wanted you, she could have you. You're open it. So it would have happened if she wanted to be with you. She doesn't want to be with you. Face that pain ... we've all been there at some point ... and let go. And really use this as a rich learning experience.
kendahke Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 Since it didn't show up under my post: In the meantime, I refer you to my signature line below: _______ | | | | V V V V
Author Ronni Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 Thanks for the replies, I really don't know what to do and feel very anxious today. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and think it is because of the show tonight. Once today is over with I'll probably feel better.
Chilli Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) Your not her daughters dad and it's bad for her daughter to be seeing you and her dad , it's only gonna confuse her , ask any expert. Maybe if you get back together for good , yeah you will have some relationship with her daughter but like this and around her real father, stay out of it and give them all the time together they can get so of course she didn't ask you to go if the dads gonna be there. Edited June 29, 2018 by Chilli
Author Ronni Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 Your not her daughters dad and it's bad for her daughter to be seeing you and her dad , it's only gonna confuse her , ask any expert. Maybe if you get back together for good , yeah you will have some relationship with her daughter but like this and around her real father, stay out of it and give them all the time together they can get so of course she didn't ask you to go if the dads gonna be there. It's the way it's all been done over the last few months. Anyway, we are over now and I hate her.
Zahara Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 It's the way it's all been done over the last few months. Anyway, we are over now and I hate her. I'm sorry. At least you had some inclination that it was coming. Did she end it?
Author Ronni Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 I'm sorry. At least you had some inclination that it was coming. Did she end it? No I ended it. I've had enough of feeling like dirt every day and like I'm worthless. I hope I can be over her in 2 weeks because I'm not missing out on going away. I will have a great time on my own or anyone who wants to join me.
Zahara Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 No I ended it. I've had enough of feeling like dirt every day and like I'm worthless. I hope I can be over her in 2 weeks because I'm not missing out on going away. I will have a great time on my own or anyone who wants to join me. I know it hurts and it was very difficult for you to end it but you've just given yourself the gift of emotional freedom and while painful, you're going to finally be able to let go, grieve and start your healing. You may feel sad during your trip as you may think about her and reminisce and wish she was there with you, but try to stay distracted, get involved in the activities, treat yourself to nice dinners, etc. Time for some pampering.
Author Ronni Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 I know it hurts and it was very difficult for you to end it but you've just given yourself the gift of emotional freedom and while painful, you're going to finally be able to let go, grieve and start your healing. You may feel sad during your trip as you may think about her and reminisce and wish she was there with you, but try to stay distracted, get involved in the activities, treat yourself to nice dinners, etc. Time for some pampering. Thank you for your kind words. It was hard to do It but it's been coming for a long time and it's something we've probably done about 5 times in the last four months so she probably thinks we'll sort things out in a couple of days and carry on dangling me on a string. I never thought somebody could ever be so cold. I wanted to do it and get closure but she was not giving me it. It feels like I have to explain to her why it happened and what she has done because she thinks she's completely faultless. Will she realise her ill treatment of me? Every time I tried to talk to her on the phone she hung up 3 times. I told her I need closure and it was like she didn't care. I think in a few days it will hit her hard and she will realise she has lost somebody who adored her and her daughter. A very rare breed in today's world.
Author Ronni Posted June 29, 2018 Author Posted June 29, 2018 I'm glad you ended it. It sounds like she was possibly seeing someone else. She gave you that indicator when she said I love you but I'm not in love with you - all cheaters use that line every time! Go on vacation - have a great time! She avoids conflict (by not just breaking up with you) - emotionally those are the toughest people to get truth from - they are cowards when it comes to being honest. Thanks. I doubt she was seeing someone else because she was always busy. I don't think she had the time to. It's time for me to heal.
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