How to get her back

[Greeneave87]

Okay so this is a long story but I’m willing to type it all to get the best advice possible.

 

Me and my ex girlfriend were dating and everything was great. We had our little disagreements but what relationships don’t?

 

Anyways one night I was extremely drunk and some guy commented on her twitter picture saying “you’re thick as ...” and I didn’t take that too well. I flipped out and thought she was cheating on me which she would never do and took all of her stuff out of my house and told her to leave. She begged to talk to me about it but I wouldn’t listen and she cried the whole time and caught an Uber and left.

 

The next day I realized how big of a mistake I had made but she didn’t want anything to do with me. I apologized for days until she finally agreed to meet up with me and talk. We talked and she seemed happy after I said how wrong I was and it would never happen again and she said we could start over slow then a day later she said she couldn’t take me back because she’s used to being on her own again and doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.

 

This girl is my entire world and I’ve tried everything. I’ve brought flowers to her job and told her how sorry I am but nothing is working. I regret the day I kicked her out so much. She did nothing to me I’m just so insecure about other guys liking her pics and commenting on them that I lost her.

 

We recently talked 2 nights ago and she said she’ll always be my best friend and that she thinks we met for a reason and maybe one day we can try again but whenever I text her now she takes forever to respond but she’s constantly in social media. Like last night she stopped texting me in the middle of a conversation and I haven’t heard from her since but she was on social media all day. Please help thanks

Edited June 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry. You did all the right things in terms of trying to get her back. Unfortunately she knows you don't trust her; she knows you over react when drunk & she thinks that is your true self. Now she wants nothing to do with you. She is well aware that you can't have a relationship without trust. When you assailed her character she was done. It was like a switch flipped.

 

All you can do is learn from this mistake & not repeat it in the next relationship.

[overcome]

Green,

 

Let's get some additional info.

 

How old are you and how old is she? How long had you been dating before the break-up? Who was the guy on Twitter? Did you ever find that out?

 

So you made a mistake. We all do. I've said things to my ex that I regret (to a degree) but they seemed justified. I never accused her of anything as she was not that type of girl but sometimes your mouth speaks before your brain does.

 

In my opinion you need to stop contacting her. If she's telling you she can't take you back because she's used to being on her own again, that sounds like BS to me. Still, if that's what she says, respect it. Go NC immediately and time will tell if she's playing a game or she really wants to move on.

 

You don't want to be her best friend. So if she starts to contact you and you move into the friend zone, you would need to explain to her that you appreciate her calling/texting but you're not interested in being friends. Don't apologize for your past mistake. You've already owned up to it. She needs to understand that she kicked you to the corner and you're not going to just be okay with being friends. If she can't offer more than friendship, you have to say no thanks, because that is not what you want.

 

If she truly wants this to work out, she will do whatever she can to get back together with you. Especially if this is recent.

 

There's not much more you can do at this point in my estimation. It sucks. I know. But show her that you have a life outside of her. You'll be heartsick for now and perhaps further down the road. But if you continue to badger her, I think you will only push her away further.

[bathtub-row]

Really? You get jealous just because someone comments on her picture? That’s pretty immature and possessive. Sorry but it is. She may have realized that she preferred being away from that kind of intensity.

 

I think it would be best for you to stop contacting her for now. You’ve done everything you could to get her back, now let her miss you. Show her that you can drop the obsessive behavior. Not that trying to get her back was obsessive, but your behavior prior to that was.

 

If you do get her back, are you going to be able to stop acting that way? If not, you’ll have the same scenario. You don’t own the woman you’re with and you don’t control what others think or feel about her. And, btw, if a guy kicked me out for the reasons that you did, he’d never get another chance with me again. That was a very extreme and mean thing to do. She’s semi-open to taking to you but that won’t last if you ever do anything like that again.

[Greeneave87]

Green,

 

Let's get some additional info.

 

How old are you and how old is she? How long had you been dating before the break-up? Who was the guy on Twitter? Did you ever find that out?

 

So you made a mistake. We all do. I've said things to my ex that I regret (to a degree) but they seemed justified. I never accused her of anything as she was not that type of girl but sometimes your mouth speaks before your brain does.

 

In my opinion you need to stop contacting her. If she's telling you she can't take you back because she's used to being on her own again, that sounds like BS to me. Still, if that's what she says, respect it. Go NC immediately and time will tell if she's playing a game or she really wants to move on.

 

You don't want to be her best friend. So if she starts to contact you and you move into the friend zone, you would need to explain to her that you appreciate her calling/texting but you're not interested in being friends. Don't apologize for your past mistake. You've already owned up to it. She needs to understand that she kicked you to the corner and you're not going to just be okay with being friends. If she can't offer more than friendship, you have to say no thanks, because that is not what you want.

 

If she truly wants this to work out, she will do whatever she can to get back together with you. Especially if this is recent.

 

There's not much more you can do at this point in my estimation. It sucks. I know. But show her that you have a life outside of her. You'll be heartsick for now and perhaps further down the road. But if you continue to badger her, I think you will only push her away further.

 

I’m 23 and she’s 21 and I have no idea who the guy is from Twitter. I’m. It from here and I only know her and people from work. We’ve been together a little over a year and this happened in May and I went 3 weeks without contacting her and I broke and called her and spilled my emotions

[Greeneave87]

Really? You get jealous just because someone comments on her picture? That’s pretty immature and possessive. Sorry but it is. She may have realized that she preferred being away from that kind of intensity.

 

I think it would be best for you to stop contacting her for now. You’ve done everything you could to get her back, now let her miss you. Show her that you can drop the obsessive behavior. Not that trying to get her back was obsessive, but your behavior prior to that was.

 

If you do get her back, are you going to be able to stop acting that way? If not, you’ll have the same scenario. You don’t own the woman you’re with and you don’t control what others think or feel about her. And, btw, if a guy kicked me out for the reasons that you did, he’d never get another chance with me again. That was a very extreme and mean thing to do. She’s semi-open to taking to you but that won’t last if you ever do anything like that again.

 

 

Yea I know it’s immature to get mad about stuff like that but she’s just absolutely beautiful and I know she can do better than me so I worry. I don’t mean it to come if as anger it’s More of me being jealous. I have insecurities and that’s what pushed her away. If I ever get the chance to get her back nothing like this will ever happen again. I gave up drinking completely

[HumanMachine]

Yea I know it’s immature to get mad about stuff like that but she’s just absolutely beautiful and I know she can do better than me so I worry. I don’t mean it to come if as anger it’s More of me being jealous. I have insecurities and that’s what pushed her away. If I ever get the chance to get her back nothing like this will ever happen again. I gave up drinking completely

 

Insecure and needy, woman will never ever find either of these traits attractive. Only thing you can do is work on yourself.

[Adiron]

She's not your toy, she's not your possession, she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. Stop thinking about this egocentrically- it's not about what you want because she's free to make her own choices.

 

 

Leave her alone, stop drinking and get some help your insecurities and impulsive destructive behaviors and hopefully you won't repeat the same dysfunctional behavior with the next girl you meet.

[overcome]

Green,

 

You're both young and this is always tough. It seems like the younger you are, the harder it is to make a relationship last. However, that is not always the case so don't read too much into that.

 

I think I need a better timeline as well.

 

So your break-up happened in May? When in May? You say you went NC for three weeks after you tried to get her back? But then you had contact two days ago and she dropped the whole "you're my best friend" bit?

 

Please clarify the timeline because it matters in terms of giving advice. At least for me it does.

 

Finally, when was the last time you had contact. Two days ago? Phone or text? Thanks

[Greeneave87]

Green,

 

You're both young and this is always tough. It seems like the younger you are, the harder it is to make a relationship last. However, that is not always the case so don't read too much into that.

 

I think I need a better timeline as well.

 

So your break-up happened in May? When in May? You say you went NC for three weeks after you tried to get her back? But then you had contact two days ago and she dropped the whole "you're my best friend" bit?

 

Please clarify the timeline because it matters in terms of giving advice. At least for me it does.

 

Finally, when was the last time you had contact. Two days ago? Phone or text? Thanks

 

Our breakup was on May 1st and I went NC on May 16th. I texted her 2

Or 3 nights ago and that’s when I got the best friend bit and we talked yesterday and I got left with no response while she was on social media

[bathtub-row]

Yea I know it’s immature to get mad about stuff like that but she’s just absolutely beautiful and I know she can do better than me so I worry. I don’t mean it to come if as anger it’s More of me being jealous. I have insecurities and that’s what pushed her away. If I ever get the chance to get her back nothing like this will ever happen again. I gave up drinking completely

 

Then maybe you need to date women that you perceive as not being able to do better than you, because men who can’t handle being with a pretty or beautiful woman will kill the relationship every time. Honestly, I don’t think you can stop being that way unless you really work on it. I’m guessing that all those little arguments the two of you had in the past were also somehow centered around your jealousy. You just don’t know how this wears a person down and how toxic it is.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Our breakup was on May 1st and I went NC on May 16th. I texted her 2

Or 3 nights ago and that’s when I got the best friend bit and we talked yesterday and I got left with no response while she was on social media

 

 

 

 

 

So, you didn't reach out to her from May 16 until 3 nights ago?

[mossycup]

I feel like this is a really painful situation but just the kind of situation that can really turn a person's life around, because it hurts so much it is a wake up call.

 

The way you acted towards her was really not good. No healthy woman would stay with a man who treated her that way.

 

But that doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you have some serious issues, which you've identified.

 

This is your chance to take very seriously these issues, since they will come up again with whomever you are with, and this will happen again.

 

But it doesn't have to. I used to serially cheat on really wonderful men. But I learned to stop doing that and now I am faithful as a partner. People CAN CHANGE. You can change.

 

I would say, put that girl right out of your mind, unless she remains only as a symbol to you of your need to change (as do my ex). Now is the time for you do to the work to change so you will be worthy of a good woman.

 

Start with a therapist, and also join a support group. I think this could be the beginning of a happier future for you.

Edited June 27, 2018 by mossycup

[overcome]

Green,

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

Well, I think you have to go back into NC. I know it's hard but you have to assume she's moving on. So what does that mean? It means you have to do delete everything about her from your life. If you are tempted to check any of her social media stuff, you have to remove it. You have to delete her number. You cannot check up on her as you will never heal.

 

If you spend time going back through the mistake you made or the good times you had, you will continue to set yourself back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea I know it’s immature to get mad about stuff like that but she’s just absolutely beautiful and I know she can do better than me so I worry. I don’t mean it to come if as anger it’s More of me being jealous. I have insecurities and that’s what pushed her away. If I ever get the chance to get her back nothing like this will ever happen again. I gave up drinking completely

 

But your reaction was an extremely angry one. That is hurtful and frightening to the person on the tail end of it; I speak from experience. It may have stemmed from severe insecurity but you didn't control your anger and this is the result.

 

I think you just need to accept it's over and she's not interested anymore. When a similar episode happened to me, I couldn't quite see my ex the same way anymore. It was such a turn-off that I was not interested in mending that bridge. It also made me question where his anger would go if he got upset about something that was actually serious, and that wasn't a discovery I wanted to stick around to make. Add to that the fact that I felt completely disrespected being tossed out in a similar manner, and I was done. I imagine your ex was thinking similar thoughts.

 

Was this the first time you acted out when you felt insecure?

[Greeneave87]

But your reaction was an extremely angry one. That is hurtful and frightening to the person on the tail end of it; I speak from experience. It may have stemmed from severe insecurity but you didn't control your anger and this is the result.

 

I think you just need to accept it's over and she's not interested anymore. When a similar episode happened to me, I couldn't quite see my ex the same way anymore. It was such a turn-off that I was not interested in mending that bridge. It also made me question where his anger would go if he got upset about something that was actually serious, and that wasn't a discovery I wanted to stick around to make. Add to that the fact that I felt completely disrespected being tossed out in a similar manner, and I was done. I imagine your ex was thinking similar thoughts.

 

Was this the first time you acted out when you felt insecure?

 

Yes the first and only time and I’m not trying to let go of her. She’s the best thing to happen to me and I love her like crazy

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes the first and only time and I’m not trying to let go of her. She’s the best thing to happen to me and I love her like crazy

 

Unfortunately, she has already let go of you. There's really nothing one can do when the other person just doesn't want it anymore.

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn’t say there’s nothing you can do but you really need to lay low for now. I always say that silence, time, and giving a person their freedom are very powerful things.

 

She will think about the nice things you did to get her back, she’ll realize that you’ve stopped trying, and could very possibly think you might really have changed your ways. What you did was very serious and you probably realize by now that you can’t unpull that trigger once the bullet has left the chamber. Let some time go by, give her space to think, and see what happens.

[preraph]

I'm glad you stopped drinking. Sounds like that doesn't do well with you. At least if you're sober you have more of a filter not to spew whatever insecurity you are thinking. So I would say that even if she never comes back, just stay sober and I bet your next relationship will go more smoothly.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm going to challenge the premise of your post.

 

I don't think you were a wonderful partner before the drunken episode. People can forgive crazy episodes ... though this one, I admit, pushes the limits.

 

But people don't tolerate crazy episodes when they've already seen troubling sides of a person ... So her decisiveness tells me that you had committed other offenses long before this one ...

 

I know there are mixed opinions on this ... but I think she is reasonable to think that in your drunken state you expressed opinions and feelings you have even when you're sober.

 

Flowers and gifts and all that ... Dude, that's so tv, so movies. They don't work on people who have some real maturity about them. A compelling gift has to be something specific ... that no one else would know to give. Flowers ... what do flowers have to do with drunken behavior? ...

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to be a bit negative here ... But I think there were some troubling actions by you before this drunken episode ... Am I right?