Is he interested or not?

[foreversingle86]

Hi All,

 

Newbie here to try and get some impartial advice. I will try to keep it short and sweet.

 

A while ago I met a guy online. We are both in our early 30s. We talked for a while before meeting. He is foreign but relocated to here 2 years ago for work. He works constantly and it is his main focus and he would not let anything interfere with that which I like as I also have a demanding job.

 

First few dates went well and he treated me better than I have ever been treated and looked at me in such an incredible way. His texting also left me feeling a little uncertain of how he was feeling or thinking but he made sure to be in contact every day and some times called me. We discussed our past and agreed that neither of us wanted to rush things.

 

Fast forward a couple of months of regularly seeing each other and texting has gone to every other day and no calls. In person, he is still lovely and we talk loads, flirt and it feels the same.

 

A few days ago I initiated the conversation about how he felt things were going and he said he considered us a couple. Since then, I haven't seen him and he has only texted once which is a definite decline. We had already planned to meet for dinner tomorrow so that will be our first date since that conversation.

 

I am realistic and I know the beginning is always loads of texting etc and of course that decreases so I am not sure if everything he says is true and he just doesn't feel that we need to communicate much between dates or if actions speak louder than words and he isn't actually interested but is keeping me around as an option.

 

Although I am not wanting to rush things, I just want to know I am not wasting my time.

 

Other info:-

We aren't connected on any social media (not sure how important that is);

He still has his dating profile online (I deleted mine).

[catherine1]

It could be that he doesn’t feel the need to text as much, or he has become comfortable rather quickly and doesn’t feel the need to be in constant contact.

From personal experience, I have initiated a “where do you see this going?” conversation in the past and I got the same decline in texting despite still seeing each other. This guy was a waste of time and didn’t want a relationship or commitment even after 6 months of seeing no each other

, I’m not saying your situation is the same, however I would be aware of his true intentions. Contact shouldn’t become less frequent because you asked how he feels about the relationship, if he’s on the same page, nothing should change.

[MaleIntuition]

At a certain point you can’t expect the man to initiate all conversation. You have a date booked and he said he considers you a couple. Texting preferences differ from person to person, I wouldn’t read to much into it.

[foreversingle86]

I do believe how he is in person is much more important and I always come away really happy with our time together. It just feels like he was more keen than I was in the beginning so he texted a lot and planned the dates etc, now I have made it clear I like him, he has backed off. Hopefully it is just because he doesn't feel the need especially when we already have plans to meet again.

 

I will see how he is tomorrow and report back in.

[stillafool]

Don't worry about the social media thing, it means nothing. When you meet tell him how you like to communicate and ask him the same so you will know what to expect. You have to open up and talk to this guy if he is now your bf or how else will he know what you want.

[kendahke]

It just feels like he was more keen than I was in the beginning so he texted a lot and planned the dates etc, now I have made it clear I like him, he has backed off. Hopefully it is just because he doesn't feel the need especially when we already have plans to meet again.

 

I will see how he is tomorrow and report back in.

 

I think the time has come for you to step up your demonstration of your interest. If he did all the initiating in the beginning and it's been longer than 3 months that you've been seeing one another, then it's time for you to step up.

 

Also, understand that at the +3 month mark, the "on their best behavior" representatives you two have been dealing with are being dismissed (hence you feeling the way you're feeling about how the real him is). Relationships that have a weak foundation start to begin to fail because of unexpressed expectations (and expectations are future resentments under construction) that you feel he should be meeting.

 

However, you also said:

 

He works constantly and it is his main focus and he would not let anything interfere with that

 

So you know the reason why is because his job is his priority, not you right now.

 

And you go on to say:

which I like as I also have a demanding job.

 

So, this is what it looks like when what you say you like falls out in experience.

 

He may see you as a couple--in theory, but in practicum, he may not be prepared or willing or able to carve out more time. People say a lot of thing in their profiles and when first talking to you that can tend to not pan out once you really start dealing with them. After meeting and talking, the person they built up in their mind is demolished when the real person shows up with all their foibles, idiosyncrasies and faults and they aren't who they built them up to be in their imagination, so they back up, hoping the other person catches the hint.

 

The question is: does he see you two as a committed, exclusive couple? What exactly was his wording on this?

 

Unless you two have made an agreement to stop looking for others or being on the dating app, then he is single and free to be on that dating app.

Edited June 27, 2018 by kendahke

[hippychick3]

Why does he have his dating profile still up?

 

This along with the decrease in contact between dates would cause me to believe he was talking to and/or going on dates with other women. He’s keeping his options open.

 

As the relationship progresses, there shouldn’t be that much of a decrease in communication between dates. I would pull way back and confront him about the dating profile.

[smackie9]

I don't think it's a lack of interest...he's figuring he doesn't have to do it anymore, now you two are established as a couple. It's kinda like finishing a project, and moving onto other things like work.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm with hippychick3: I think this irregular communication is a problem, and a piece of behavior worth discussing.

 

Already, it seems to me, you have accepted that his career comes first. That's a huge "already"! ... So ... given that work is #1 ... if he can't even communicate on certain days, my alarms would definitely be going off. Definitely!

 

Because you are in no way being needy--given that you accept that work is #1.

 

He may have put you on sorta "routine" check. You know ... check in every other day ... then show up x times a week. He might be a workaholic ... If you're cool with that, then fine.

 

Not sure I'd be cool with that. But that's me.

[Gaeta]

He considers you a couple but still has a dating profile up? Don't let that slide. It needs to be addressed.

 

No communications between dates is called fwb.

 

Eta: that's the danger of taking things slow. That is what he is doing. Each woman l came across that agreed to take things slow end up wanting more.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Gaeta

[mortensorchid]

Um ... No, he's not. He's playing the field still. He sees you as a casual gf / fwb. In turn, keep your options also open.

[foreversingle86]

Hi All,

 

Just wanted to give you an update as I have had two dates with the guy since I posted this.

 

First date, we went to the beach and for dinner. It was a lovely evening and he acted like the guy I had started going out with 3 months ago. However, as you know I had planned to address the lack of contact and dating site issues but I wanted to try and get my timing right. Unfortunately, I had built it up so much in my head, it just came out of me all at once. I was so annoyed with myself for not doing it in the controlled way I had planned. However, the content of what I said was all accurate. I essentially said although he claimed to be interested, I seen little to no evidence of that and therefore I wasn't sure if I believed him, I addressed how contact had decreased and how he was actively using a dating site.

 

He told me that he had no idea I felt this way. Firstly, he said he was interested and he had never lied to me about that. Secondly, he said he hadn't purposely decreased contact but acknowledged it had. He said he thought that was natural after the initial stages and thought it was better as we would have more to talk about when we met. He also said it annoyed him a little that he was the one who had to make the plans to meet. Now this is true but the only reasons I had never initiated it was (a) his working hours are crazy so I would never know when to suggest meeting (b) I thought it would put him under pressure if I tried to plan something and © when I felt he was pulling away, I wasn't going to try to plan anything.

 

Long story short, we talked for over an hour and towards the end he opened up and said he had been having a few problems with his family over the last week or so and there were a few other issues he mentioned that he was stressed about. He gave an example of one night he had gotten home from work at 10pm and was going to text me when he was getting into bed as we hadn't spoken all day but he had an argument with a family member and decided it was best not to text me because I would pick up on his bad mood. I don't know much of what the issues are as he is very much someone who tries to fix everything himself.

 

I believed what he told me and he seemed incredibly genuine. I therefore accepted his explanations and thanked him for being open with me.

 

Driving home after the date, I felt content until I realised the only issue he didn't address was the active dating site.

 

Contact over the next few days improved slightly, not much but there was more. I then seen him for a few hours after work on Saturday and we had a really nice time. I decided not to bring up the dating site issue on this occasion as I don't want him to think that every time he sees me, I will be "nagging" or constantly going on at him.

 

I have taken a step back and evaluated the situation myself. Am I happy he is active on a dating site? Hell no. However, I also feel like we are still trying to get to know each other (hence the misunderstandings) and whilst we have both said we aren't dating or planning to date anyone else, I wouldn't feel ready to class this as a relationship. I want it to be one, but only once we are more sure of each other and we both agreed at the beginning that we didn't want to rush things. I therefore think I am going to keep enjoying our time together whilst keeping my guard up. If things continue and I get to the stage where I am ready that we class this as a relationship, I am hoping the issues will naturally sort themselves out and if they don't, then I will finish things and move on.

[ThisisIt606]

This is a little bit of a tough one as relationships are not all easy, fun, and rosy.. real life comes up ( trouble with jobs, family,etc) and a strong relationship should hopefully be able to work through it and last by the couple communicating and depending on each other. This is all the ideal situation when troubles do arise.

 

However it seems as though this guy MAY have too much on his plate and his relationship with you as a result is suffering. The example he provided of getting out of work at 10pm, having a fight with his family member and then deciding against texting you in fear of sounding "mad" is a bit ridiculous. Texting really doesn't have any emotion behind it.. he could have sent something like "long day... but thinking of you:) just wanted to say good night" and leave it at that. If i'm dating someone and angry about something else that's going on in my life, I would feel happy to reach out to the guy i'm dating as thinking of him/communicating with him makes me feel good. However this is just me and others can have a different take.

 

Basically you just have to ask yourself if you honestly like him enough to deal with all his baggage right now. Please DO ask about the dating website, it's definitely a legitimate question. I understand you not wanting to feel like a "nag" but if he wasn't displaying these behaviors you wouldn't have to be asking all these questions. Try thinking of it as open/honest communication and wanting to clear the air for your peace of mind as well as the success of the relationship.