Have I screwed up with this guy already? Was he even interested anyway?

[nweck1]

UK based, NSFW details.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend in early April. He got a new girlfriend just two weeks later. She was somebody I suspected he was close to, but it stung to feel him go that step further with her just one week after a two-year relationship.

 

Anyway, I chucked myself on Tinder. I'm considered to be a very attractive girl so I had no trouble with matches, but a lot of the guys felt very similar: bulky, muscular, kinda arrogant-looking guys. Still, I matched with some more interesting guys, but there was one that I was interested in, looks wise. Sweeping hair, a cute beard, and an adorable, smirky smile. His pictures were two selfies in his house, he didn't seem to be a player - he just seemed like a cute, honest guy from his pictures and bio alone, and that's what I wanted. I'm introverted myself, and he felt like a good match.

---

I messaged him first, and we got talking. He replied once every day or two, and although his response rate was kinda annoying, he was still showing interest in his flirty responses. I then admitted that I found him really hot and asked if he'd be down for coffee.

 

He actually told me he wasn't actually in town for another month, but he'd love to meet up. This was... bizarre? But I was okay with it. His response rate remained incredibly slow though - up to once every 2/3 days - but he still did reply enthusiastically and in flirty ways. He then ended up saying that he barely has connection for Tinder from where he was staying. I asked him if he'd like to connect on Facebook so we could talk easier. He agreed.

 

On Facebook we've had 7 separate conversations between May 15th-today. He initiated three of them, with two being about his availability for a date, while I've initiated every one since. He never initiates to ask how my day has been, and we often go 3-7 days without speaking, until I say something.

---

Finally, we met up yesterday - just two months after we first started talking. The date was amazing. He was super cute, and in an adorable way. He wasn't arrogant, didn't have an ego - we just spent the whole time teasing each other and having fun, easy conversations.

 

After one hour in a coffee shop, I was feeling things so I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink with me as well. He said "yes", but admitted to never having a drink before, which... surprised me? Nevertheless, I bought him a drink. We flirted around for another hour at the pub, and our teasing became a little more sexual.

 

After we finished up at the pub we went for a short walk and sat down on a bench. "The spark" was definitely there, so I leaned in to kiss him. He was an amazing kisser. He knew when to be soft, when to be sharp, when to take breathers - it was really intimate.

 

But he never tried to escalate things. I had to place his hands onto my breasts, and although I'm fine with taking the lead, he just didn't seem to push things further.

 

I got really into making out with him though, and I was feeling super horny. What I did next I kinda regret already, but I started to say lots of dirty things to him. I told him I wanted to ride him, and that I wanted to taste him. While doing this I was squeezing his crotch as well.

 

I then asked him if he had a place free, but he said he didn't. I said it was fine and we could have sex on another date, but honestly I was super frustrated. I mean, we had been hardcore kissing for an hour and then I couldn't even have sex with him anyway.

---

I regret what happened next, but you know, I was super turned on and honestly I just needed something. Simply put, he kept kissing me and I kept feeling his crotch getting harder. And yeah, I ended up jerking him off and giving him a blowjob in public. I wasn't proud of it, but I was horny, we were kissing for so, so long, and I was super feeling him.

 

What made things worse is that I couldn't even get him to finish. I was down on him for a good 20 minutes, and although he never got soft, he didn't finish either. After a while he told me his bus was going to arrive soon, so that was that. We held hands and kissed each other goodbye at his bus stop though, so I don't think it put him off or anything.

---

I messaged him when I got home, and he replied, but his awkward response time continued:

 

Me: "hey, thanks for tonight xx"

 

Me: "*inside joke from the date* xx"

 

Him: "It was really great to see you too! *reply about inside joke*"

 

Me: "glad you got home alright. sorry for keeping you out so late!"

 

He then didn't reply until I went to bed. I woke up to a message of "eh I think it was worth it ;)". I replied "haha exactly", and he hasn't said anything at all today. No reply to my message, and no asking me out for a second date either.

---

Now, I really like him, but I'm already quite confused and tired from second guessing everything he does because I just don't understand him. Can you guys give any insight at all to help? Have I blown it? Was he ever even interested? Is something else maybe up? I have a date with another guy in the pipeline in a few days, but I'd honestly prefer to know what's up with this guy first and foremost so I can know which guy to focus on. Thank you for any help.

[SmartDude]

UK based, NSFW details.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend in early April. He got a new girlfriend just two weeks later. She was somebody I suspected he was close to, but it stung to feel him go that step further with her just one week after a two-year relationship.

 

Anyway, I chucked myself on Tinder. I'm considered to be a very attractive girl so I had no trouble with matches, but a lot of the guys felt very similar: bulky, muscular, kinda arrogant-looking guys. Still, I matched with some more interesting guys, but there was one that I was interested in, looks wise. Sweeping hair, a cute beard, and an adorable, smirky smile. His pictures were two selfies in his house, he didn't seem to be a player - he just seemed like a cute, honest guy from his pictures and bio alone, and that's what I wanted. I'm introverted myself, and he felt like a good match.

---

I messaged him first, and we got talking. He replied once every day or two, and although his response rate was kinda annoying, he was still showing interest in his flirty responses. I then admitted that I found him really hot and asked if he'd be down for coffee.

 

He actually told me he wasn't actually in town for another month, but he'd love to meet up. This was... bizarre? But I was okay with it. His response rate remained incredibly slow though - up to once every 2/3 days - but he still did reply enthusiastically and in flirty ways. He then ended up saying that he barely has connection for Tinder from where he was staying. I asked him if he'd like to connect on Facebook so we could talk easier. He agreed.

 

On Facebook we've had 7 separate conversations between May 15th-today. He initiated three of them, with two being about his availability for a date, while I've initiated every one since. He never initiates to ask how my day has been, and we often go 3-7 days without speaking, until I say something.

---

Finally, we met up yesterday - just two months after we first started talking. The date was amazing. He was super cute, and in an adorable way. He wasn't arrogant, didn't have an ego - we just spent the whole time teasing each other and having fun, easy conversations.

 

After one hour in a coffee shop, I was feeling things so I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink with me as well. He said "yes", but admitted to never having a drink before, which... surprised me? Nevertheless, I bought him a drink. We flirted around for another hour at the pub, and our teasing became a little more sexual.

 

After we finished up at the pub we went for a short walk and sat down on a bench. "The spark" was definitely there, so I leaned in to kiss him. He was an amazing kisser. He knew when to be soft, when to be sharp, when to take breathers - it was really intimate.

 

But he never tried to escalate things. I had to place his hands onto my breasts, and although I'm fine with taking the lead, he just didn't seem to push things further.

 

I got really into making out with him though, and I was feeling super horny. What I did next I kinda regret already, but I started to say lots of dirty things to him. I told him I wanted to ride him, and that I wanted to taste him. While doing this I was squeezing his crotch as well.

 

I then asked him if he had a place free, but he said he didn't. I said it was fine and we could have sex on another date, but honestly I was super frustrated. I mean, we had been hardcore kissing for an hour and then I couldn't even have sex with him anyway.

---

I regret what happened next, but you know, I was super turned on and honestly I just needed something. Simply put, he kept kissing me and I kept feeling his crotch getting harder. And yeah, I ended up jerking him off and giving him a blowjob in public. I wasn't proud of it, but I was horny, we were kissing for so, so long, and I was super feeling him.

 

What made things worse is that I couldn't even get him to finish. I was down on him for a good 20 minutes, and although he never got soft, he didn't finish either. After a while he told me his bus was going to arrive soon, so that was that. We held hands and kissed each other goodbye at his bus stop though, so I don't think it put him off or anything.

---

I messaged him when I got home, and he replied, but his awkward response time continued:

 

Me: "hey, thanks for tonight xx"

 

Me: "*inside joke from the date* xx"

 

Him: "It was really great to see you too! *reply about inside joke*"

 

Me: "glad you got home alright. sorry for keeping you out so late!"

 

He then didn't reply until I went to bed. I woke up to a message of "eh I think it was worth it ;)". I replied "haha exactly", and he hasn't said anything at all today. No reply to my message, and no asking me out for a second date either.

---

Now, I really like him, but I'm already quite confused and tired from second guessing everything he does because I just don't understand him. Can you guys give any insight at all to help? Have I blown it? Was he ever even interested? Is something else maybe up? I have a date with another guy in the pipeline in a few days, but I'd honestly prefer to know what's up with this guy first and foremost so I can know which guy to focus on. Thank you for any help.

 

 

As a guy I might think this was some wild tryst. From the texts, I would not be able to decode how you actually felt. You might have to just explain that you were feeling really horny but that you actually like him..If there is any way to do that with discretion.

[mortensorchid]

I think he saw this as just an encounter. A lot of Tinder is about this - you match with someone because you happen to be traveling through the area. Some take advantage of this in more ways than one. And I think he did with you. Sorry, but he's not interested in you beyond that.

[nweck1]

As a guy I might think this was some wild tryst. From the texts, I would not be able to decode how you actually felt. You might have to just explain that you were feeling really horny but that you actually like him..If there is any way to do that with discretion.

 

Pardon my ignorance, but what do you mean by a “wild tryst”? Does it mean that he may’ve thought I just wanted some fun and that was all I wanted, or?

[nweck1]

I think he saw this as just an encounter. A lot of Tinder is about this - you match with someone because you happen to be traveling through the area. Some take advantage of this in more ways than one. And I think he did with you. Sorry, but he's not interested in you beyond that.

 

He does live in the area I matched with him, he was just out of town for the time being apparently. And you definitely think he’s not interested? I thought I may have been overthinking, but if you think so as well then maybe my hunch was right.

[hippychick3]

From what you described, you have done all the chasing and have been the aggressor. He does not sound very interested at all.

 

It's better to let the guy initiate more in the beginning stages to gauge his level of interest. I'd stop contacting him and see if he initiates the next date (not sex) with you.

[Versacehottie]

I think you are "tired" because you are doing all the work--effectively chasing him.

 

There's no time or space for him to appreciate or chase you. And it's tinder---so while you are somewhat expecting dating behavior that might not be what he's after. He might just want casual so you are too invested considering the circumstances and that it's not equally reciprocated. (yes he responds which is much different than initiating).

 

I agree with smart dude that is what you should do. Keep your expectations low though. good luck

[act00]

The guy had low interest at best. If he's just shy or something, he needs to ramp up his confidence...and he'll learn that by losing multiple prospects...and if all his relationships work like this, he's getting lots of bennies w/o a lot of work...he hasn't had to actually work at a relationship...maybe nobody has really tripped his trigger, or maybe he just hasn't had to try.

 

You did all the chasing...pretty much all of it, from the basic communication to meeting to sex that was one-sided.

 

If you're after a serious relationship, going days without a simple word or checking in is not the guy you want, and if he's not taking any initiative, let it go. Don't force it.

 

If you're okay with just casual hookups whenever the wind blows in your direction, you cannot get yourself all twisted up in wanting more than he has to offer.

 

I don't think you "screwed up," necessarily, but I do see that you invested and expected a lot more than this guy wants or has the capacity to give. You thought being bold and making the moves would pull him out of his shell, and maybe it could have worked out that way, and maybe it still will, but for now...flop...and it hurts and it's a disappointment, and you have no way of knowing that if you persist, that anything will change...that's your risk that you take.

 

Men that claim they live in one city when they really live in another, and you only find out about it when you press for a meet....this is shady behavior...this can be easily presented in their profile...even then, it's shady because you have no way of knowing if they are truly planning a permanent move and being a permanent fixture in your area or not (not as shady if we're dealing with college kids who need a place to live in the summer; move back home). Honestly, if you find out they don't actually LIVE in the city on their profile, call it a day. If they can't be honest in their profile and upfront when they first text with you, he's not a guy you want for the long-haul.

 

I think it's time to let this one go. He seems too lackadaisical and noninterested, but do you really want a wet-blanket of a guy who requires you to make all the choices anyway? Good relationships usually have a give and take.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, you way-overworked.

 

So it's not clear what he wants because frankly, you were so insistent he didn't have a chance.

 

His lack of communication early on ... is usually the best signal ... low interest on his part.

 

You came on so strong ... I wouldn't expect much from him at this point ...

 

By the way, your behavior .... pushing for going down on him ... in public ... shows no particular interest in a relationship. I'd be shocked if he thought you were interested in a relationship.

 

If you are interested in a relationship, your come on was not the right response.

 

Indicate interest ... let other respond ... indicate more interest ... let the other respond ... that pretty much needs to be the cycle.

[O'Malley]

He was questionable in too many ways...low level in his interest, vague about his location (he claims to be out of town on vacation, then later claims he doesn't have a place to go - perhaps he's being honest, but it raises some yellow flags). When someone is interested in you, that interest is clear and consistent, no "eh"s or limp noodling. The way this situation developed seemed more like a typical fling, with no serious expectations. If you're wanting to meet up with a specific individual for an actual date consider changing your approach.

 

There's also an issue with investing too many feelings and expectations into a texting situation. Avoid texting for lengthy periods of time before a meetup; if someone can't schedule a meet up for a coffee or a drink in the first week or so, or gives vague "busy" excuses to your invites, it's your signal to write them off. Why give the best of yourself - your energy, your passion - to someone

who can't be bothered to reciprocate?

Edited June 27, 2018 by O'Malley

[Saracena]

Yes, you way-overworked.

 

So it's not clear what he wants because frankly, you were so insistent he didn't have a chance.

 

My thoughts exactly. Low interest to start with but you pushed and pushed and pushed.

[stillafool]

He may have thought that if you are so horny that you jerk off and go down on him in public you have probably done this with more men than him which was probably why he couldn't get off but remained hard by the experience. TBH, he didn't seem all that keen even before you guys "had coffee".

[nweck1]

Well I was ready to move on, but I have just received a text from him:

 

“Well I haven’t managed to find out the ‘African’ song from the other day yet (inside joke from date)! but I am available this Sunday if that suits you ”

 

What do I do? I do like him but is that text anywhere near enough of a signal of interest, or does it still come off as half-assed? I do have a date in place with a second guy as I mentioned. Should I just focus on him now?

[smackie9]

You didn't way work anything. A receptive guy would have been all over seeing you again if the attraction was there.

 

 

 

You should have stopped tho because of his lack of participation. It's a bad sign if the guy sits there like a lump and has to be encouraged to make moves during a heavy make out. yuck! He's really not that interested then or something or someone is stopping him.

 

 

 

I could take a small guess here and say he is in a LDR or has a GF somewhere. That would explain some things.

 

 

 

IMO you need to stop looking at how cute he is and horny he makes you..... just look at his behavior.

 

 

 

If you want to take a shot at this, just tell him everything....about how you are not into hookups, you like him a lot...and with this 2 months of getting to know one another, your passion was building up, that's why you lost control...then laugh it off admit he is a great kisser. Then ask him if he would like to see you again. Let him make the decision to either say no, ignore you or agree to see you.

[smackie9]

Well I was ready to move on, but I have just received a text from him:

 

“Well I haven’t managed to find out the ‘African’ song from the other day yet (inside joke from date)! but I am available this Sunday if that suits you ”

 

What do I do? I do like him but is that text anywhere near enough of a signal of interest, or does it still come off as half-assed? I do have a date in place with a second guy as I mentioned. Should I just focus on him now?

This guy is actually make a move! take it!

[Saracena]

I wondering what he has in mind for Sunday? I'd ask him and see what he says.

 

Incidentally, how old are you two?

[nweck1]

This guy is actually make a move! take it!

 

You think I should? I just don't know if he's really into it, and if he's just texting me for the sake of it. It just feels 'off', even though he has now initiated.

[nweck1]

I wondering what he has in mind for Sunday? I'd ask him and see what he says.

 

Incidentally, how old are you two?

 

I'll give myself some headspace and reply after I get home I think. I'm not sure how to approach it right now.

 

I'm 20, he's 22.

[smackie9]

He asked you for a date....why is that suspect? Just say yes! What harm would it do? You can change your mind at anytime. A guy that isn't interested wouldn't ask you out. Maybe he was thinking the same thing and didn't know what to make of you.

[Versacehottie]

Well I was ready to move on, but I have just received a text from him:

 

“Well I haven’t managed to find out the ‘African’ song from the other day yet (inside joke from date)! but I am available this Sunday if that suits you ”

 

What do I do? I do like him but is that text anywhere near enough of a signal of interest, or does it still come off as half-assed? I do have a date in place with a second guy as I mentioned. Should I just focus on him now?

 

So the lack of urgency between his texts to you, to me, doesn't say he's uninterested--only that it's not a priority to him (dating, possibly dating you specifically) in the same way it's a priority for you. Being that he is 22, you met him on tinder and all the stuff you did physically on the first date, I actually don't think him contacting you right now is a bad thing. He's interested in seeing you--i wouldn't read more or less into it than that. Especially not more! You need to gather more information--about him and spend more time together anyway--so keep your expectations in check. To me, i think it would be hard to back off physically since you did all what you did on the first date. I don't think you should accept a netflix and chill date--only a real one (out somewhere) if you want to test the gf possibility. I don't think he's half-assing it--but if he only wants you to come over or vice versa, then he probably is hoping to pick up where you left off physically and not really showing a big interest in anything else from you IMO. So that I would decline if it doesn't align with your goals (sounds like it wouldn't).

 

Um no why would you cancel on either guy??? You just got out of a relationship and people are flakey. Take the time to get to know both of them and whoever else comes you way and you can decide who to date exclusively when someone shows you they would be a good fit for a bf in your life.

[MaleIntuition]

This sort of exemplifies why we guys sometimes have an impossible task, what do you mean half assed attempt?

 

There really isn’t any need for him to chase when you are doing that. He is playing it a bit cool, which could mean low interest or that he simply is holding back because he can. What are you looking for? A hookup/rebound or a relationship?

[ElKay]

You think I should? I just don't know if he's really into it, and if he's just texting me for the sake of it. It just feels 'off', even though he has now initiated.

 

I would say, see him one last time (it's a make it or break it moment) just so you don't have any "what if?"s on your mind later. When you see him, definitely don't repeat taking over. Let him make some moves. If he doesn't and only wants you to make every step, then he's not worth it.

 

I tend to work this way, at least... If I'm not 100% sure, sometimes a second date can make all the difference!

[CantTakeMySmile]

Depends on what you want. If you just want to jerk him off then go for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would take him up on his offer to meet again, but slow down, girl. You're too pushy and pawing at him in public when he's not really reciprocating is awkward.

 

You have been the aggressor thus far. If you want to assess his true interest, let him take the lead now and show you if he wants to get to know you. Your interest is clear on all levels, but his is not. Not yet. Give him a chance to demonstrate where his mind is at.

[nweck1]

Not sure what to think.

 

Okay so me and Guy 2 saw each other on Wednesday, and had a really good time. We didn’t get sexual but still shared a very nice kiss which was probably for the best,, and we had a lot more in common than me and Guy 1.

 

We’ve kept in contact and things seem smooth, with Date 2 planned for tomorrow. Meanwhile Guy 1 and me have a mini golf date in place for Sunday before “seeing where it goes” according to him. I haven’t heard from Guy 1 again for the last 3 days though, so I’m kinda feeling half-hearted at this stage? I guess I might be losing interest.