Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

July 19, 2018

Thank you, Oasis. I just need to let it out sometimes so that I can TRY and empty my mind of it. I’m very frustrated; I felt this was the beginning of a very promising romance, and to find that again seems.... so out of my reach. It was wonderful to *start* to fall in love with him, I look forward to feeling that way again. I think about him daily, I miss him, still desire him… pretty much would do anything to re-live just a moment of that time again! It’s been 4 months since we last spoke and we dated a little more than that amount of time, so it seems like too long to get over it, but it ended with no closure which makes it almost impossible to accept or understand.

I’ve tried telling myself all kinds of “stories” to make sense of it, and I’m still left puzzled and hurt. I tell myself that he was well aware, in his own words said that I was a good woman, had a lot to offer, had all these great desirable qualities and am girlfriend status, treated him so well, was so sweet and encouraging and kind and patient, am a catch, our incredible passion and chemistry that he hadn’t had even with long term relationships, how sexy and desirable and beautiful I am, how much he cared about me and how much he valued our friendship…. It’s beyond me how someone could say that, appear to be completely genuine in saying it, and walk away as if nothing ever happened. I’m talking… the week of the holidays, my birthday, planning dance classes and musing about planning a weekend getaway, even some family, friends. Imagine next year, like I asked him, “hey, what did you do last NYE?” He’s going to say, “I was with this girl I was dating , we spent the whole day together, just lounging, walking on the beach and having incredible sex, went to a nice dinner and fell asleep at 11:00 watching Anthony Bourdain with her laying on my chest on the couch. At the time I didn’t want to be with anyone else. It was really romantic. I left town a couple months later and never spoke to her again. ” WTF?

I think of all the men I’ve dated, and the ones that I had a real spark and connection with I always kept in touch with, unless something really awful and horrible happened, like with my ex in my 20s. We would see each other around town or we were connected on social media and every time they came back into the picture wanting another opportunity to be with me again.

If he really thought all those things about me, which I believe he did, of course I’m not perfect, but if he recognized those things that are true… that doesn’t just go away…. Wouldn’t he live with the regret knowing he walked away from something so good ?

I think… that he WAS on the rebound and didn’t realize it until things got real, I think he was probably talking to other women at the end, or thought he should still shop around, I think he didn’t want to lose his freedom and his newfound single lifestyle, I think it was too much too soon, he got in too deep and felt he needed to back out so he said he wanted to pump the brakes. I was hurt and frustrated, I was ready to go forward, he simply was not. Even though he wanted me to fall in love with him, when I began to, the reality scared him. I think the love bombing and all that attention, adoration and future faking… was his way of making me fall in love with him, once the reality hit… like “hey! We have feelings for each other!” he ran for the hills. Sometimes I’m not sure if it was a pattern of narcissism or personality disorder OR he just got cold feet, or met someone else he liked more than me or simply just did not want to commit to one woman. It was cruel and heartless the way he ghosted but maybe he felt cold turkey was the only way he could do it. Or, the worst case scenario, he never gave a damn to begin with and was just faking it and playing, and cut off his emotions, but I don’t really believe that. We both had a very hard time letting it go, knowing we weren’t on the same page. I guess that it makes sense that even if people like each other a lot like we did and have a connection, etc. that it doesn’t mean it’s compatible. Maybe sometimes when you can’t find the words or understand your own feelings, it’s easier to not say anything at all.

July 19, 2018

I think you're trying to understand something that shouldn't really matter to you. You seem to be a lovely girl who is affectionate and a 'catch', therefore you keep overanalysing why he would leave you or the great relationship you had.

If it was because of the 'rebound' effect, or because he is narcissistic, or if he just realised he wasn't that into you, or maybe a combination of those, it shouldn't matter. If you put your best foot on the door and gave your best in the relationship (even with potential mistakes, because we're all human and I'm sure he made his as well), just walk away confidently knowing that the break up was more about him than about you. I speak confidently that nothing you could have done differently would change the outcome of this. Perhaps anticipate or delay the inevitable.

Also, the urge you have to talk to him again, you may find that it's common for them to return later on and you also may find that, although you'll feel a temporary satisfaction, they usually comeback with the same traits: selfishness, lack of empathy, hot/cold behaviour, etc. So it won't bring you the joy you crave and it most likely won't bring your old feelings/infatuation back. That is long gone. You can only feel that way again with another person (in the right time) and there's something exciting about that too.

I'm sure the next one will be more compatible with you and that you'll be able to establish firmer boundaries. Only personal experience provide these insights and learning to you. Those break ups are hard but they do give us tools to improve and know what we're looking for in a relationship.

Speaking from experience here, had a very similar situation happened to me so I truly sympathise and understand the way you're feeling. Put this guy off the pedestal. I'm sure what you had was great, but you most likely are keeping him there because of the cold silence he's giving you. It's an ego hit and makes us think they're actually (much) better than they really are.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Morello

July 19, 2018

Thank you for saying it straight. I am desperately trying to understand something I can’t wrap my head around, and you’re right, it doesn’t matter why or how. It just IS, and I have no choice but to accept it. I was up late crying from loneliness last night. I’m hoping those were my last tears for him ever. I know that one day, sooner, hopefully than later, I won’t be lonely and will feel that happiness and fall in love again. I have a feeling it may be with someone I’ve already met (or I hope so)…. I realize that I have other men who love me and care about me and who would never ever ghost me or cast me aside as if our connection was meaningless. I have a male friend who I’ve been getting closer with lately who I’ve always had a crush on and my ex from a year or so ago have stayed in contact and I have a feeling there is a potential for a second chance. I’m not undesirable or less worthy because this one guy who swept me off my feet and I fell for rejected me. Other men are interested and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. The trouble is that I’m not always interested in the ones who want me, which means I stay single. Either way, people who choose to walk out of your life deserve no place in your heart and mind space. So I’m focusing all my heart on the people that are in my life and who love me and value who I am. It feels good to do that, plus I know that I can trust those people. I don’t feel like I was used, I feel taken for granted and betrayed, and my heart has been broken.

I think that the hardest part is that it was left unresolved, the silence would be justified if there was a goodbye, or parting conversation…. but there wasn’t. There was no verbal closure. Also, I still find myself looking over my shoulder or thinking I see his car, because he frequents my neighborhood. That makes it difficult, thinking what it would be like if we saw each other or what I would say. Would I ignore him? Would I confront him? Would I pretend I didn’t care?

I don’t like to think that he will come back around or what he will say or do or act, because I believe that keeps us hanging on to the past. Maybe he will, but I really don’t think so, otherwise it would’ve happened by now. If in the event he did come back, it would be too late and I wouldn’t feel the same anyway. That’s how it always happens, OR they just never come back wanting another shot. It’s basically a moot point.

I agree with you that I need to knock him off his pedestal, thank you for the reminder. He’s not so perfect and I have to take off my love goggles to get over him. I treated him so well and at the end he treated me like crap. He did treat me well while we were dating until the end. Actually his mistreatment of me at the end and putting me at arm’s length made it easy for me to just let him go and never demand an answer. I didn’t want what he was offering (a half-in relationship that I had to share with his old feelings for his ex or his attention to other women… ) He didn’t want a girlfriend, even knowing I would be a great one. I DO know that I put my best foot forward; maybe I made some mistakes but nothing irreparable. We never even really argued. I can have peace with that. I was willing to go all in, and that was a scary thing for me to give myself permission to do. Around the holidays I told myself, “Hm, it really seems like he’s falling for me too, I think it’s safe to open up my heart now.”. Sometimes we aren’t ready for that and I was once there after a breakup so I understand. Falling in love is a scary thing.

The lesson it has taught me is that I AM ready and I was brave and vulnerable and put my heart out there. I put my best foot forward and was ready and willing to give fully. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of.

July 20, 2018

H G Tudor is an excellent author on narcissist. He is one ! also has videos on you tube. He helped me a lot to understand. Hope that helps.

July 21, 2018

The lesson it has taught me is that I AM ready and I was brave and vulnerable and put my heart out there. I put my best foot forward and was ready and willing to give fully. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes! I hope you won't let this experience change that. It is a blessing to be capable of loving so completely. Stay open and someone deserving of all that love will find his way to you.

July 21, 2018

I've been reading a great book called "Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Mrs.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner" by Jeb Kinnison.

From his book:

"[securely attached people] are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don't have to beat around the bush and play hard to get.." He goes on to say that this can be boring to people with insecure or avoidant attachment types. He then says, "Because of this fallacy, [the non-secure person] might let the perfect partner pass them by."

You are gold, that guy is fool's gold.

July 24, 2018

I was doing better for a little while, but I still find myself dreaming and fantasizing about him. I hate it. I HATE that I still want him. I had a dream last night that he contacted me. Living in fantasy land here. He's never going to contact me and apologize and beg for another chance.

It’s been over 4 months and I still can’t get him out of my heart and mind, believe me I have tried. What IS it going to take for me to forget him and move on? I’ve been out with other guys, nothing more than kissing, maybe because I haven’t fallen in infatuation or slept with anyone since him… I feel like until I do it will be like this. He is constantly on my mind and I can’t stop thinking about him. I want him every day. I feel lonelier than ever and I miss all those feelings and all that happiness and times we spent together. It was real. At that time anyway. I was feeling better recently but my loneliness and things not working out with anyone new have made me long for him just the same as I did a month ago. It’s like no time has passed.

Although it’s good to be open, I don’t even really want to date right now, not strangers anyway, I have such a bad taste in my mouth from online dating… I realized something… that I have dated a couple guys that I met online for a month or more (this one, the longest, 5 months) and we never spoke again. WTF?! That would never and HAS never happened with anyone I’ve met in real life. I went out on 2-4 dates with 3 different guys online since he left. I don’t feel even a fraction of the chemistry and connection I felt with him . It wasn’t immediate, but we knew by the end of the second date that there was something there and we were both really excited about it. Hasn’t happened since, who knows how long it will be until I feel that way again. I think that will be what it takes for me to get over him. Over 4 months of NC and today I feel just as attached to him as I did months ago. If I saw him tomorrow I would want him all over again.

It's hard for me to understand the idea of burning bridges, unless something horrific and terrible happens. To illustrate the point of how much I am against this, I messaged a former flame the other day on FB. We hooked up over a period of a couple months periodically last year. We never really dated, or built much of any emotional bond, it was basically just a fling when he was in town, but we liked each other. He moved away but we kept in touch occasionally. It was completely acceptable and normal that we would communicate. We couldn't continue on 'flinging' because he wasn't here permanently and I told him I couldn't see him anymore since I was looking for something more permanent. He said he understood and here we are a year later, still being friendly. He said next time he comes back let's grab a drink.That’s how it’s supposed to be. Unless something absolutely horrific and terrible happened, I would NEVER EVER not speak to someone I had a connection with. Some people you just don't connect with on that level and it makes no sense to talk again. But this.... emotions were involved. I thought a friendship was involved. It was a romance that couldn't easily be forgotten, for me obviously.

I still speak to a guy that I dated in my 20s who was never my boyfriend, we kind of just dated casually but remained friends. He told me not long ago that I was the one that got away. He's now married and living across the country, forever carrying a torch. I have several men carrying a torch who have dated me and had my love and attention. I've been rejected before by guys who I didn't feel a spark with early on and/or rejected by more serious relationships and they came back within 3 months. So it's very difficult for me to understand why someone would completely ghost out of my life, when nothing bad happened, after I treated him so well, etc.

Not that it matters, but the subject of this thread.... let's just assume that he broke it off with me because he didn't want to lead me on, knowing by that time I was in love with him and wanted more. For whatever reason, he didn't feel the same way, whether his ex, or it was something about me he didn't like, or just not ready to get into another serious relationship... I'll never know. What if he was trying to do the honorable thing by leaving and not continuing to date me, stringing me along while still hung up on his ex, talking to other women or thinking he wanted to explore his options being newly single, etc. I still don't know why he would act the way he did and say what he did if he didn't actually really like me and definitely had feelings brewing for me. But the never saying anything more... after the last night we spent together, I mean.... it definitely wasn't that he wasn't into me and interested....the attraction was always there....the connection was real.

I can't forget, and I feel that I've made very little progress lately.

July 24, 2018

"[securely attached people] are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don't have to beat around the bush and play hard to get.." He goes on to say that this can be boring to people with insecure or avoidant attachment types. He then says, "Because of this fallacy, [the non-secure person] might let the perfect partner pass them by."

You are gold, that guy is fool's gold.

I have done this myself in the past when not quite healed from a bad breakup which was very traumatic and abusive. Not sure if it can be compared to this guy but I know that I freaked out a couple times when I met a great guy after that who was available and interested in something serious with me....and I kicked myself later for letting him go. I said something similar to him when things started intensifying... it only lasted a month or so but he was a great guy who was interested and fully available and wanted to date me and be with me. At the time his interest put me off a little and I was feeling so insecure, I told him I really liked him but wanted to slow down a bit. He took that as I wasn't interested in continuing, but that wasn't true. I just wasn't ready and he was. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and to this day I wish I could have another chance. I have no way of getting a hold of him so my chance slipped away from me.

I just think I understand, or could be compassionate... I came out of a 4 year relationship years ago, I wasn't ready to be serious with anyone for 2 years after (although my breakup was really really bad and not normal). So I think it took me much longer than if it had ended well.

In my heart of hearts I know that he just wasn't ready like I was. I think using the crutch of still being heartbroken about his ex was a half truth. It was just an 'out' not to commit to going to the next level with me.

I hope that if there are any people reading this, if you like someone and are in the early stages, unless you intend to or want to get involved in a serious capacity or are considering it at least, don't ask spend the holidays together, don't buy her gifts and take her shopping, don't introduce her to your friends and family, don't do couple activities and talk every day, don't ask her if she's seeing anyone else and initiating the exclusive talk, don't refer to yourself as her boyfriend and still keep her at arms length. And don't tell her you're in love, love making love to her and think she's so wonderful and a catch and how much you value your friendship and the passion and connection between you... and leave. It's been so incredibly hurtful I don't know if I can trust again so easily.

July 24, 2018

1. Allow yourself to cry a lot, and feel the pain to get it out. Focus on pain in your heart, not on the thoughts in your head. The thoughts prolong the pain! Imagine the pain flowing out of your heart as you feel it.

2. Anytime you catch yourself thinking about him, mentally change your thoughts to "no contact, no contact, no contact."

3. Get yourself to places where there are other guys. Don't rebound, but gain some perspective. There are lots of fishies in the sea.

July 24, 2018

1. Allow yourself to cry a lot, and feel the pain to get it out. Focus on pain in your heart, not on the thoughts in your head. The thoughts prolong the pain! Imagine the pain flowing out of your heart as you feel it.

2. Anytime you catch yourself thinking about him, mentally change your thoughts to "no contact, no contact, no contact."

3. Get yourself to places where there are other guys. Don't rebound, but gain some perspective. There are lots of fishies in the sea.

Thanks, Three Rainbows. I like the idea of focusing on the pain in my heart not the thoughts in my head. So deep!

Yes, I have surprised myself with the fact that I never reached out to him again. I have succeeded in permanent NC. The only thing is... I still think I'll see him around accidentally. Maybe no time soon but someday I'm sure. I still find myself looking.

I know, I meet lots of men, but none of them before or since I've felt that connection and attraction with. Maybe just different, and hopefully better in the future.

Being 34, single, no kids, when I want marriage and family with a man I'm in love with... is really getting me down. When I got into this thing with this guy I was very excited about the potential of falling in love again and building something special. I guess sometimes I think that I won't find anything like that ever again, and that keeps me clinging to it.

July 24, 2018

You will find it again.

One thing I've heard a lot is that relationships where the feeling isn't quite so intense usually go better and are more sustainable. Just food for thought when you're ready to move on.

July 25, 2018

I saw him today. I was on my way to get some dinner and after seeing him I couldn't even bring myself to eat. We were driving coming towards each other and I was stuck behind a bus on a narrow street, waiting to get around it on the left to make the green light. He turned left in front of me coming from the opposite direction. I recognized his car, and it was hard to see in the windows but it was for sure him. I have limited vision from a distance but when he turned I saw he turned his head, recognizing that it was me. He knows my car because he drove it and in it a million times. Talk about pain in my heart.

I've been over every possible scenario about how or why this could've happened. Even though he was always the one pursuing me, sometimes I think he got freaked out when he saw just how much I was into him, he ghosted because I was more into him than he realized he was into me, and he didn't want to lead me on. I took his word for it and thought that he just really was not ready or interested in a serious relationship (yet). He kept telling me thank you for being so patient, that he just needs more time (so it would make sense that was a valid reason). Or I did something or said something that turned him off. Or he thought I was too nice, too sweet, too good, he wanted someone wilder and more... not me. I don't know so I've been left to come up with everything.. and it all makes me feel sh&*%y about myself. I try telling myself it's him, not me, but who knows.

I had a dream last night that he contacted me. I've noticed that as I get older my dreams can often be prophetic, down to pretty specific details. I'm thinking that maybe that dream about him contacting me was a message that I would once again be confronted by the fact that he's around, like today. Like seeing him on Bumble after months, just recently. Just when I've been doing all I can to move on, he keeps popping back up. Even without effort. I live in a small neighborhood that he doesn't live in but has always frequented. So it's not unlikely that I will see him again. I know that he saw me today because his head turned when he noticed it was me as he was turning. I wonder what he thinks about, is he tempted to reach out? Is he afraid to reach out, wondering if I hate him? Does he have any feelings for me left at all, like I do him?

I can't even wrap my head around the fact of dating someone for 5 months who the last time we saw each other he was saying how he loves making love to me. That I'm really a good woman..... months of his pursuit, all that passion and romance, him spending the frigging HOLIDAYS AND MY BIRTHDAY WEEKS together, the emotions... to never speaking again, like none of this ever happened. Like I said, I still am friendly and talk to a guy I slept with 5 times last year and never even really dated except for when he was in town. This guy was a part of my daily life for nearly 5 months (that's almost half a year) and I was a part of his. This is completely beyond comprehension.

I realize that we both knew that we weren't on the same page. I wanted something more and I was ready, he wasn't. He was very honest about that, sadly it took him three months to realize and tell me so. There really wasn't an easy way to say goodbye, I get it. I didn't want to, although I knew it was for the best that we take space and for him to deal with whatever he was dealing with or to just be single, to mend his broken heart or whatever he needed. I couldn't date him any longer knowing he wasn't looking or ready for a serious relationship. I could tell that he really struggled with ending it with me too, he seemed very conflicted at one time and seemed to teeter on the fence, still wanting to be with me and see me, but not wanting to go in all the way, knowing it was unfair to me.

I think that it is very likely that we will actually run into each other (driving or not while driving) in the future. What will I say? That is why I've had so much trouble putting this behind me because I knew this would happen. I see him on the street, I see his profile pop up on Bumble (I blocked him but now I think I'm just going to delete the app forever. I have lost hope in online dating.) We never said goodbye, nothing bad happened between us, so there is no justification for never speaking again, and now we both know that we will be seeing each other around and maybe someday will bump into each other face to face. Then what?

Devastated. Again.

Edited July 25, 2018 by littlebridge

July 25, 2018

It will be okay... give it more time.

July 25, 2018

Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about possible reasons he left. Stop thinking about "what you will say." None of this is helping you move on.

You have unprocessed emotions, and that's what's making you obsess. Face the fact that after seeing you in the car, he DIDN'T contact asking you to take him back and forgive him. He isn't thinking about you at all. Hard truth. A man will move mountains if he wants to be with you. This one is no different.

So as soon as you can face the reality, you can process your emotions. Focus on the pain in your heart, imagine it seeping out, and embrace it. Don't stop until the pain is gone. You may have to do that 2-3 times. The hard part is convincing yourself it's really over in order to feel those suppressed emotions.

Once that's done you will stop obsessing.

July 25, 2018

I saw him today. I was on my way to get some dinner and after seeing him I couldn't even bring myself to eat. We were driving coming towards each other and I was stuck behind a bus on a narrow street, waiting to get around it on the left to make the green light. He turned left in front of me coming from the opposite direction. I recognized his car, and it was hard to see in the windows but it was for sure him. I have limited vision from a distance but when he turned I saw he turned his head, recognizing that it was me. He knows my car because he drove it and in it a million times. Talk about pain in my heart.<snip>

I think you should concentrate on moving on instead of what you may say when you may or may not see him. I think that is wasted energy.

Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

July 25, 2018

Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about possible reasons he left. Stop thinking about "what you will say." None of this is helping you move on.

You have unprocessed emotions, and that's what's making you obsess. Face the fact that after seeing you in the car, he DIDN'T contact asking you to take him back and forgive him. He isn't thinking about you at all. Hard truth. A man will move mountains if he wants to be with you. This one is no different.

So as soon as you can face the reality, you can process your emotions. Focus on the pain in your heart, imagine it seeping out, and embrace it. Don't stop until the pain is gone. You may have to do that 2-3 times. The hard part is convincing yourself it's really over in order to feel those suppressed emotions.

Once that's done you will stop obsessing.

This hurts too much to swallow. I wouldn’t expect him to see me and suddenly realize he made a mistake and ask for a second chance. That’s not how it works. He wouldn’t have some epiphany at the sight of me and immediately reach out and change his tune. But I do know that he let me go. I’m sure that once he saw me yesterday he felt something. I know that he cared about me. At one time I thought he even loved me. He told me so. So it’s very hard to believe that he never thinks of me at all. I wasn’t just some girl he hooked up with. And you don’t have to tell me that a man will move mountains to be with you, I know that is true. I’ve had guys come back before wanting a second chance; I know what it looks like. When he was turning the car he clearly turned his head, to see that it was me. I thought he would cower and pretend he didn’t notice. How flipping sad is that. I spent 5 months almost every day with someone and the holidays and my birthday and all that, and ‘at least he didn’t pretend he didn’t see me’. I feel like a pile of garbage.

The reason why I can’t move on even though I have been trying to and want to is because I have so many unprocessed and unresolved emotions. The fact that there was no closure and no goodbye when everything was left on a good note between us and there was something there, no doubt. And to know I will see him again, like I did yesterday…. Keeps me on guard. I don’t feel that it is over as long as I know that I will continue to see him like I just did.

I know I’ve been obsessing and now, once again, I’m right back to the way I felt before. No progress. When people say ‘stop thinking about him’, ‘stop talking about it’, that’s very hard to do when he keeps ‘reappearing’.

July 25, 2018

I think you should concentrate on moving on instead of what you may say when you may or may not see him. I think that is wasted energy.

I want to and have been desperately trying to move on.

I have dated other men and now I don’t even want to. I have a date from Bumble tonight and I don’t even want to go. I deleted the app last night and have no intention of ever going back.

I can’t seem to move on from this. I would do anything to move on.

July 25, 2018

I want to and have been desperately trying to move on.
I have dated other men and now I don’t even want to. I have a date from Bumble tonight and I don’t even want to go. I deleted the app last night and have no intention of ever going back.

I can’t seem to move on from this. I would do anything to move on.

It is probably a good idea to not date until you have process these emotions. It seems like some people like to date to get over someone. For me, that is not my way, but I understand that some people need to. I just don't think you should if you are still obsessing the way you are. If you need distractions, try something new tat interests you.

I get getting "ghosted". Before ghosting was even a term, I was ghosted. My partner said she was going to do laundry and never came home (and we had lived together for 3 years)... so I get the unresolved issue thing being a problem. All I can say, is to really focus on what matters, and why he does or does not do something, or why he says or does not say something... just doesn't matter...

Stay busy, cry when you must, but make plans for you...by you... no one else.

July 25, 2018

The reason why I can’t move on even though I have been trying to and want to is because I have so many unprocessed and unresolved emotions. The fact that there was no closure and no goodbye when everything was left on a good note between us and there was something there, no doubt. And to know I will see him again, like I did yesterday…. Keeps me on guard. I don’t feel that it is over as long as I know that I will continue to see him like I just did.

You won't be able to fully access your emotions until you fully realize that it is over.

If you saw him once driving, that is coincidence. It does not mean anything. It doesn't mean he's thinking about you. It doesn't mean he's trying to cross your path. It doesn't mean the universe is trying to bring you two together.

Do everything in your conscious power to not run into him. If he was interested, you'd know. He's not.

July 25, 2018

You won't be able to fully access your emotions until you fully realize that it is over.

If you saw him once driving, that is coincidence. It does not mean anything. It doesn't mean he's thinking about you. It doesn't mean he's trying to cross your path. It doesn't mean the universe is trying to bring you two together.

Do everything in your conscious power to not run into him. If he was interested, you'd know. He's not.

Begin forwarded message:

Please, no need to tell me that he's not interested, you are adding more pain to the pain. I knew that when he left on his trip in March and didn't see me again before he left. That's not what I need to face, I already have accepted that. It is more about my lost hope. I'm going to be 35 next year and it was very hard for me to fall in love again after being hurt by my bad ex in my 20s. I wanted to be a wife and mom. I wanted that 10 years ago with my ex but he didn't want that with me at the time. I wanted it last year with my ex but he didn't move mountains. I wanted it this year, I wanted a relationship and to share my life with someone I felt a connection with, like I did with this guy. I don't see it in my future at this point and I don't see how I can trust or want to fall in love again. It is completely incomprehensible to me how someone could have such an intense connection, say they were in love, say you would be in their thoughts while they were away from you, say they value your friendship and respect you so highly and cares about you, and could never speak to you again.

For all I know he could think the same thing about me. I didn't respond to him, I never reached out either. But yes, it is over, as it was.

July 26, 2018

Please, no need to tell me that he's not interested, you are adding more pain to the pain.

For all I know he could think the same thing about me. I didn't respond to him, I never reached out either. But yes, it is over, as it was.

I'm sorry if my post offended you. I wanted to show you the full truth so you can process all the emotions you're holding onto. I know it's painful, but it's better to get it out so you can move on. It sounds like you're making progress.

From my experience as a person who has dumped, and has been dumped, no, he's probably not thinking of you much. At least, not enough to want to be in a relationship with you. But that says more about him than it does you.

July 26, 2018

I'm going to be 35 next year and it was very hard for me to fall in love again after being hurt by my bad ex in my 20s.

You need to get mentally stronger. Being hurt, failures, disappointments should not be the reason why you do things a certain way. If everyone stopped trying because of failures, no one will get anywhere then. Keep trying and trusting. Just be smarter and wiser with your choices. These hurdles are here to make you smart. Stop acting like they are against you. They are for you. Change your way of viewing things.

I wanted to be a wife and mom. I wanted that 10 years ago with my ex but he didn't want that with me at the time. I wanted it last year with my ex but he didn't move mountains. I wanted it this year, I wanted a relationship and to share my life with someone I felt a connection with, like I did with this guy.

Stop replaying past hurts. You wanted something and it didn't happen. So what? So many things in life will not happen the way you want them and you will have to accept it.

I don't see it in my future at this point and I don't see how I can trust or want to fall in love again.

You will fall in love again just like you did many times in past. But... be wiser about who you fall for next time.

It is completely incomprehensible to me how someone could have such an intense connection, say they were in love, say you would be in their thoughts while they were away from you, say they value your friendship and respect you so highly and cares about you, and could never speak to you again.

Yes, people are that unpredictable and life is this unpredictable. We cannot control people and their behaviors. So rather try to make yourself stronger so when bad stuff happen you are able to accept them rather than being bewildered by them. Why he did what he did.... only he knows. Men have left women at altars... Men have left women after having kids.... Women also do such stuff. People are inherently selfish. He did what he felt was needed for his happiness. Now you do what is needed for you. Move on. It will be hard but it's not impossible. There is someone better for you... why do you want to stay hung up on this guy.... whatever he said before became invalid the moment he decided to end it with you. Don't waste time. Work on yourself to become the better version of you so you can attract better men.

July 26, 2018

You need to get mentally stronger. Being hurt, failures, disappointments should not be the reason why you do things a certain way. If everyone stopped trying because of failures, no one will get anywhere then. Keep trying and trusting. Just be smarter and wiser with your choices. These hurdles are here to make you smart. Stop acting like they are against you. They are for you. Change your way of viewing things.

Stop replaying past hurts. You wanted something and it didn't happen. So what? So many things in life will not happen the way you want them and you will have to accept it.

You will fall in love again just like you did many times in past. But... be wiser about who you fall for next time.

Yes, people are that unpredictable and life is this unpredictable. We cannot control people and their behaviors. So rather try to make yourself stronger so when bad stuff happen you are able to accept them rather than being bewildered by them. Why he did what he did.... only he knows. Men have left women at altars... Men have left women after having kids.... Women also do such stuff. People are inherently selfish. He did what he felt was needed for his happiness. Now you do what is needed for you. Move on. It will be hard but it's not impossible. There is someone better for you... why do you want to stay hung up on this guy.... whatever he said before became invalid the moment he decided to end it with you. Don't waste time. Work on yourself to become the better version of you so you can attract better men.

I loved reading this. Thank you.

July 26, 2018

He did what he felt was needed for his happiness.

I think this specifically is the realization that is going to help me be able to let go. I can't understand why or how, but I do know that he felt ending it all with me and not even maintaining the friendship he said he valued... was in the pursuit of his own happiness. I must (and will) respect that. I did grow to love him and care for him deeply. Even now, despite his cold disappearance... I wish him happiness. I truly, truly do. So next time I see him again on the street, or driving by, I can tell myself that he followed his happiness and... strangely, my kind heart can learn to be happy that he did. Even if that means I'll never know him or have his attention and adoration again.

I'm not feeling excited about falling in love again but someday I will I'm sure. Maybe next month, next year, or 5 years from now. I don't fall in love easily and he was the 4th time in my life, and I've dated many men, so it may be a long time. He got down to my core, it was a passionate, intense and emotionally intimate romance...for me and I thought for him too. It seemed to be infatuation on his end and wasn't built to last. I have very happy memories of our times together, especially during the holidays when I felt that we were both getting closer and starting to fall in love. To this day, I believe that at the time, it was all genuine. It couldn't be faked. I guess he just changed his mind.

When he saw me in the car yesterday and realized it was me, he must have thought about me, even just for a little bit. I know that he has happy memories of me too. There was nothing bad ever between us, the last time we were together he said how much he loved making love to me, I was cooking dinner, he was gazing at me and said..."you're a really good woman." He saw it. I gave him all I had to give and that was my best effort, I can say that 100% with no regret.

Three Rainbows said to consciously avoid running into him... I can avoid certain places that we used to go together, but in my small neighborhood, it is likely that I will see him again, for the rest of my life living here in this city. He's not leaving and neither am I. And when I do see him, I can just wish him happiness, silently. Even though he broke my heart, I don't want to think of him being sad or broken. So if having nothing to do with me makes him happy, so be it.

He saw and acknowledged my worth, said what a wonderful person and good woman I am, how sweet and kind and patient, how I'm such a catch and how I treat him so well and how he values our friendship and cares for me a lot, in love, loved making love to me, talking about future plans, maybe we'll end up married someday, who knows..... I believe he meant those things at the time, and know that he recognized it in me. He chose to leave a good woman, for whatever reason, in the pursuit of his own happiness. I can learn to accept that, even though I can't understand.

I will say this too, that in my extensive dating experience I have never encountered a guy who pursued me for months the way he did and acting like my boyfriend and starting to escalate to suddenly disclose that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend and ultimately disappear. I've dated many men and if anything ever made it past 2-3 months it ended up long term and serious. That has happened three times before this, and even those exes and I still maintained contact after the breakup. This was a first for me. But he was trying to be honest once he realized he didn't want to or wasn't ready to go deeper. He didn't want to string me along, that's what my male friends tell me. He wanted to continue spending time and having great passionate sex with a woman that he really liked but he also knew it was time to take it to the next level or leave. So... he decided to leave. I also take responsibility for letting it go myself. In the last week or two before we last saw each other, I was bringing myself to the point of courage to cut things off with him (at least for a time). But I couldn't do it. I couldn't be with him unless he was ready to be all in with me. And we had that conversation one of the last nights we were together, he wasn't ready for another relationship, he just got out of one. He seemed pained when he said it. I said I understand, but I want more. In my view he was on the rebound and wasn't looking for love. He liked me and pursued me intensely, he said I "turned him upside down" and he was confronted with it too soon to handle or accept. I've been there myself so I can relate. And I have regretted pushing good men away who were available and into me when I was in pain and unavailable myself. Sometimes it's safer to have superficial relationships when you're not healed from heartbreak. When you have something real and you're not ready, it is very frightening. It has nothing to do with whether or not you like that person. I speak from experience. It takes one to know one. I have had attachment and commitment issues myself, in a way we are usually drawn to people who are like us in some ways.

As far as dating again, I deleted Bumble and have no intention of going back on anytime soon or ever. I canceled my date tonight because I really don't want to meet anyone new right now, especially someone online. Just a tangent, I firmly believe that meeting someone online opens up a huge host of issues and does not hold people accountable for terrible behavior, including ghosting. If you meet organically, somehow there seems to be this unspoken genuineness of connection and especially if you share friendships then it is based on more respect and a real, personal bond, in my experience.

In my effort to 'move on' and forget him, to distract myself and to put myself back out there, I did go out with three guys I met online. I liked all three but there wasn't that wow factor on either end and it never lasted past four dates tops. That's all good, it ended early. There was no time or depth so no loss. I just can't bring myself to meet any more strangers right now. Right now I feel like not dating at all. I want intimacy, sex, companionship, romance, all of what I had with him and more, but the thought of putting my heart out there again is truly unappealing. So I told myself I'm not even going to look, I'm not going to try. I feel like just keeping my head down and keeping to myself. When I'm out or at work or walking on the street, I get attention from men. I get asked out and I'm told I'm attractive and desirable and a catch but I just want to close off. I'm not open at all right now. As of today, he is still holding a place in my heart and I don't want to let anyone else in out of fear of being hurt again. I just couldn't bear the pain of heartbreak again, not now. It may take me a very long time to be willing to take that risk again. I took it with him, and it was a big step for me. And I got rejected and ghosted. So not interested in doing that again anytime soon.

As it always seems to happen, once you really stop looking, then out of nowhere something and someone amazing comes into the picture and turns your world upside down. Sadly, sometimes that happens at at time that we are still running and acting on defenses and not when we are ready. Not today but soon I hope that if and when that comes along for me again I will be open to it and not run like he did.

Edited July 26, 2018 by littlebridge

July 26, 2018

I see you are kind of putting him bit up there on the pedestal. Wondering a lot about whether he thinks about you. Of course he does think about you. If I have to take a guess, he more or less thinks about you as - Yeah that was a good woman for my ego. She made me feel good about myself. It was so easy to tell her all the things she liked to hear. But I can do better than her... there was no chemistry left. Ah well... anyways I have messed her up a lot mentally by my manipulation so I will get to have sex with her whenever I want so why not date some more girls and hook up with my ex also if I can.

I learnt this the hard way, but the moment a guy doesn't want to fight for you when you have been good to him and by good I don't mean good in bed. But good in things which really matter - loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, supportive, empathy, understanding... that guy is dumb!!! Terribly!!! This is the kind of guy who will be attracted to dysfunction in women. Because he has not reached the level of intelligence to appreciate the good qualities a woman has to offer.

And you are feeling defeated because a dumb guy won't appreciate you?

I went back and re-read your original post and I feel like he was just stringing you along and was never really invested much emotionally..... maybe used you to move on. As soon as someone says - I want to take it slow or I am not sure lets go with the flow or some crap like that it is a red flag to me. It immediately tells me that this person is not sorted in their brain as to what they want. Such a person will confuse the hell out of you! You need to find someone who is sorted and sure and emotionally stable.

He pretty much lied to you about that text he was sending his ex. He also tried to break up with you and thats when you should have moved on but you go ahead and have sex with him instead (so smart!). He mostly slept with you to feel good about himself when his ex rejected him or something that day when he went to her after breaking up with you. He manipulated you big time by telling you he wants to break up with you one day and then next day bringing up the "marriage" word. This kind of emotional roller coaster gives you the fake impression of liking someone more than you actually do.

No need to be nice and kind to him or worry about his happiness. Please see things for how they are. This was a selfish, dumb, manipulator who in my eyes has zero value at this point. You on the other hand, while are a woman of value... are unable to see your worth because you are measuring it thru how a dumb guy treats you. Recognize your own value. Stand up for yourself. Thank the stars for taking the trash out for you... because you would have slept with him even longer thinking this is love from him.

Anyways... few suggestions for next time based on what you did this time-

- If you catch the guy sending text to an ex while with you... you dump him.

- If a guy tells you he wants to break up with you... you block him and move on.

- If a guy says he wanna go slow, you keep dating other guys who don't want to go slow.

Edited July 26, 2018 by winny

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Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

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