Feelings that I don't want to have

[Luvmykidz]

Yes, I mean you should block her entirely. Any time you see her, hear her, and think of her is a "mini-dose" to your brain. It puts you in a "Lacking" mindset, that you have to Give Something Up, which implies that now something is missing.

 

Over time, if you stop the mini-dosing and instead fully enjoy the family you have in front of you, you will end the "I Lack" mindset.

 

You will find happiness a lot faster if you can focus on the good things you have: on your kids, the wife you love, the wonderful, comfortable life you've built. You're abundant in these riches that many in life do not have.

 

Go NC. You don't have to block her with anger, you can do it with love. Trust that she has her own path and it is now divergent from yours. Wish her well and know that some part of you will always love her, hope that you had some sort of positive effect on her, and let that be it.

 

Then hugs your kids, and think about all that You Have. You have so much, honestly! And you can invest your time and energy, heart and mind, into your kids and marriage and family and Have even More! You will have a much higher payoff and much more satisfaction this way, don't you think?

 

It all sounds like a good thing to do.

[Luvmykidz]

If you are their primary caregiver, why would that change after divorce? It’s more likely that the primary caregiver gets custody and the other parent gets visitation, unless custod is 50/50.

 

This looks like an excuse to me.

 

The mother is likely to win custody with the father getting visitation. You know that.

[Luvmykidz]

Update: I unfollowed OW on FB. I didn't unfriend her but I no longer automatically see her on my timeline. Honestly, I got sick of seeing her beautiful pictures of herself, posts about traveling and doing well in life. Seeing her doing so well and looking so good kept reminding me that it's over and I can't have her. Seeing her living good just kept showing me the life we could have had together. It really started messing with my head and I realized that seeing her so much prevented me from really giving everything I have to my W and our M. As people here have said over and over. Also, she is ignoring and avoiding me like the plague and that has been bothering me. I guess I'll try to hide her on other social media networks too, otherwise I'll be hurting there too. Have I deleted or blocked her? No. I don't think I ever will. But I won't see her anymore either. I hope this helps get her out of my mind.

[pepperbird]

You say you love your wife and you also love your ow. After reading what you've written, I don't really think you love either one of them, except in selfish ways.

 

Before you brush that off, give it some thought. When you love someone, I mean truly love them, you show them through your actions. You say you love your ow, yet you refuse to completely cut her loose. You could unfriend her on Facebook, which may be hurtful to her in the short term, but in the long term, it would set her free of you so she can move on and find real love with someone else and be happy. I wonder if the reason you don't set her free 100 percent is that you don't really want her to do that. You like the idea that, even if you never speak to her again, she is still out there somewhere, thinking about you. If she moves on and finds love with someone else, then what does that mean about her feelings for you? You seem to be terrified of the answer to that, and what you claim to be love smacks of desperation.

 

You also say you love your wife, yet you refuse to be honest with her. Just as with your ow, you refuse to cut her loose so she can find real love with someone else. Not only that, you refuse to cut your ow out of your life ( and that means unfriending her, not just unfollowing her) so that you can approach your marriage 100 percent and maybe, in time, be the perosn to give your wife the love she deserves.

 

 

 

You have plenty of excuses as to why you can't do this, but they are all about you and how you feel. Sure, you pay the concept of love lip service, but do you really know what really loving someone means? It means putting them first, before your own needs and fears.

 

Be bluntly honest with yourself. Can you really, and with 100 percent honesty, say that you have ever really been 100 percent invested in your marriage? Have you ever completely cut your ow free in every way, both for your sake and hers?

 

You say you love your kids, and I don't doubt that. If you love your kids and want them to have a stable home with both mom and dad, then your ow has no place in your life, not even as a friend on social media. As long as she remains in your life in any way at all, your kids are at risk. You have skeletons in your closet and are asking your wife and children( without them even knowing it) to accommodate them in theirs. Is that really what you want to do? Is that really the kind of guy you want to be?

 

if you still can't do it, try this mental exercise. Picture your daughter or son as an adult and married with a fmaily of their own. Now picture their spouse doing what you have been doing. How would you feel knowing that their spouse cheated on them and is still pining for that person. How would you feel? What would you say to them? What advice would you offer to your child in this situation?

[Luvmykidz]

You say you love your wife and you also love your ow. After reading what you've written, I don't really think you love either one of them, except in selfish ways.

 

Before you brush that off, give it some thought. When you love someone, I mean truly love them, you show them through your actions. You say you love your ow, yet you refuse to completely cut her loose. You could unfriend her on Facebook, which may be hurtful to her in the short term, but in the long term, it would set her free of you so she can move on and find real love with someone else and be happy. I wonder if the reason you don't set her free 100 percent is that you don't really want her to do that. You like the idea that, even if you never speak to her again, she is still out there somewhere, thinking about you. If she moves on and finds love with someone else, then what does that mean about her feelings for you? You seem to be terrified of the answer to that, and what you claim to be love smacks of desperation.

 

You also say you love your wife, yet you refuse to be honest with her. Just as with your ow, you refuse to cut her loose so she can find real love with someone else. Not only that, you refuse to cut your ow out of your life ( and that means unfriending her, not just unfollowing her) so that you can approach your marriage 100 percent and maybe, in time, be the perosn to give your wife the love she deserves.

 

 

 

You have plenty of excuses as to why you can't do this, but they are all about you and how you feel. Sure, you pay the concept of love lip service, but do you really know what really loving someone means? It means putting them first, before your own needs and fears.

 

Be bluntly honest with yourself. Can you really, and with 100 percent honesty, say that you have ever really been 100 percent invested in your marriage? Have you ever completely cut your ow free in every way, both for your sake and hers?

 

You say you love your kids, and I don't doubt that. If you love your kids and want them to have a stable home with both mom and dad, then your ow has no place in your life, not even as a friend on social media. As long as she remains in your life in any way at all, your kids are at risk. You have skeletons in your closet and are asking your wife and children( without them even knowing it) to accommodate them in theirs. Is that really what you want to do? Is that really the kind of guy you want to be?

 

if you still can't do it, try this mental exercise. Picture your daughter or son as an adult and married with a fmaily of their own. Now picture their spouse doing what you have been doing. How would you feel knowing that their spouse cheated on them and is still pining for that person. How would you feel? What would you say to them? What advice would you offer to your child in this situation?

 

You're giving me something to think about. Of course I wouldn't want my kids in this type of situation. I hate that I'm in this situation. If I want to move forward, I have to go through the process according to when I'm ready. The only way I will move faster is if my W comes to me with some demands that I need fulfill for us to stay M.

[Miss Clavel]

The financial stuff you're talking about is sickening too. I can't imagine paying all that money to someone I'm no longer with.

 

you are paying for services rendered. and it's cheap for what you've been given. she gave you two kids and raised them with you, all the while making you laugh all day.

 

so wrap your head around it and start saving up to provide for the mother of your children. it's not only the right thing to do, it's the law.

[Luvmykidz]

you are paying for services rendered. and it's cheap for what you've been given. she gave you two kids and raised them with you, all the while making you laugh all day.

 

so wrap your head around it and start saving up to provide for the mother of your children. it's not only the right thing to do, it's the law.

 

I've been providing for her the entire time. I'll keep doing so as long as we're married.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been providing for her the entire time. I'll keep doing so as long as we're married.

 

While I am not in the camp of always disclosing an A if the WS intends on stopping and recommitting to the marriage, if I was your wife, I'd really want to know you felt like this about another woman. I'm thinking of my own H and if he felt like this, it would be only fair that I be allowed to find someone who loved me like that. I would not want him to waste my life pretending, thinking he was doing the right thing. It's her life too.

[Prudence V]

The mother is likely to win custody with the father getting visitation. You know that.

 

Not at all. I don’t know where you live, but many / most countries these days either favour shared custody (with the primary caregiver getting more, if it’s not 50/50) or favour the primary caregiver, whoever that is. And, depending on the ages of the kids, their views are taken into account. It’s all about the best interests of the kids these days - and taking them away from their primary caregiver is hardly “their best interests”.

[Luvmykidz]

While I am not in the camp of always disclosing an A if the WS intends on stopping and recommitting to the marriage, if I was your wife, I'd really want to know you felt like this about another woman. I'm thinking of my own H and if he felt like this, it would be only fair that I be allowed to find someone who loved me like that. I would not want him to waste my life pretending, thinking he was doing the right thing. It's her life too.

 

If I were in her position, I would want to know too.

[Luvmykidz]

Not at all. I don’t know where you live, but many / most countries these days either favour shared custody (with the primary caregiver getting more, if it’s not 50/50) or favour the primary caregiver, whoever that is. And, depending on the ages of the kids, their views are taken into account. It’s all about the best interests of the kids these days - and taking them away from their primary caregiver is hardly “their best interests”.

 

None of the people I know got a fair shake. They got to see their kids every other weekend and had to endure a lot of flack from a bitter ex. I'll just ride this out. It's not about me and what I want, it's about the kids.