Feelings that I don't want to have

[FMW]

Maybe your wife stays in the marriage for the same reason you do - security, stability, comfort, affection, etc. She's probably not as clueless about your continuing feelings for the OW as you think. We women generally know it, feel it deep inside. But sometimes we choose to ignore it because we're not ready or willing to do anything about it. Unless it's thrown right into our face and we have no choice.

 

I've been on both sides - I can't believe I let my marriage go on as long as I did knowing my xH was unfaithful. And I can't believe that the MM I fell in love with and his BW continue their marriage when she knows he's been unfaithful for years. But there it is.

[Luvmykidz]

Maybe your wife stays in the marriage for the same reason you do - security, stability, comfort, affection, etc. She's probably not as clueless about your continuing feelings for the OW as you think. We women generally know it, feel it deep inside. But sometimes we choose to ignore it because we're not ready or willing to do anything about it. Unless it's thrown right into our face and we have no choice.

 

I've been on both sides - I can't believe I let my marriage go on as long as I did knowing my xH was unfaithful. And I can't believe that the MM I fell in love with and his BW continue their marriage when she knows he's been unfaithful for years. But there it is.

 

Yes. She likes the financial stability and also wants to stay M because this is the most stable thing that has happened to her. Her parents abandoned her. And you're right, she could have known all these years that something was off with me.

[BaileyB]

You're right. I can't tell her I never stopped loving OW from when we were kids. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

With respect, I never said you shouldn’t tell her. I simply said, you can’t pass judgment on her decision because she does not have all the information... she does not know the truth of her marriage.

[Luvmykidz]

With respect, I never said you shouldn’t tell her. I simply said, you can’t pass judgment on her decision because she does not have all the information... she does not know the truth of her marriage.

 

I'll stay with her as long as she'll have me.

[pepperbird]

Op,

Have you ever actually sat down with your wife and laid everything out for her. All of it, not just the bits and pieces you want her to know?

 

 

As it stands right now, I really have to question how much "friendship" here is between you and the ow, and really, how much there ever was. You've built up this larger than life fantasy, which is what people often do when there is something they want but don't have. They enhance it and build it up in their minds.

 

If you were to actually be in a relationship full time with your ow, you might find it doesn't live up to your expectations. After a while, your eye might well start straying again.

[Luvmykidz]

Op,

Have you ever actually sat down with your wife and laid everything out for her. All of it, not just the bits and pieces you want her to know?

 

 

As it stands right now, I really have to question how much "friendship" here is between you and the ow, and really, how much there ever was. You've built up this larger than life fantasy, which is what people often do when there is something they want but don't have. They enhance it and build it up in their minds.

 

If you were to actually be in a relationship full time with your ow, you might find it doesn't live up to your expectations. After a while, your eye might well start straying again.

 

No I haven't told her everything. I admitted to sleeping with OW once and after that I vowed not to contact her again. Regarding OW, I've already been in a long relationship with her. She pre-dates my W. So I am familiar with being in a serious relationship with her, she's not some random person I met after being M. She has had a big impact on my life and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But you have a point and that's why I won't leave my W for her. It's the fear that it won't be what I thought it would be and also the backlash from leaving my family for something that may not work out.

[pepperbird]

No I haven't told her everything. I admitted to sleeping with OW once and after that I vowed not to contact her again. Regarding OW, I've already been in a long relationship with her. She pre-dates my W. So I am familiar with being in a serious relationship with her, she's not some random person I met after being M. She has had a big impact on my life and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But you have a point and that's why I won't leave my W for her. It's the fear that it won't be what I thought it would be and also the backlash from leaving my family for something that may not work out.

 

 

So your wife is basically a consolation prize. Her poor martyr husband keeps pining for his ex-ow while pretending all is well.

 

 

 

wow...it must be wonderful to be her.

[BaileyB]

So your wife is basically a consolation prize. Her poor martyr husband keeps pining for his ex-ow while pretending all is well.

 

wow...it must be wonderful to be her.

 

Exactly. If I was her, I would want to know... because I would never settle for a marriage of convenience with a man who was in love with another woman.

 

But, OP seems to think that she would prefer not to know and that she will not leave the marriage - that financial security and maintaining her way of life is more important than love or respect.

[Miss Clavel]

Reread this and understand how your wife must feel in this "marriage".

 

She's never been married to you - she been married to you AND your OW.

 

You've held this OW in higher regard than your W - and risked the M for the benefit of being with this OW.

 

 

Let your W be free so she can find a man to REALLY love her and only her - one who will make her his TOP priority.

 

You are not that guy.

 

 

sounds like he does love her. oddly.

[Luvmykidz]

So your wife is basically a consolation prize. Her poor martyr husband keeps pining for his ex-ow while pretending all is well.

 

 

 

wow...it must be wonderful to be her.

 

I'll have to google martyr to find out what that means. Pretending? No, we get along fine. She makes me laugh all day. I do love her and I love the fact that she's been loyal all these years. It may not seem like it to you, but I'm living with extreme guilt since my first A, so I have endured a lot of things/behavior that I normally wouldn't. In my mind, I cheated and was wrong so I can't call her out for things. I just suck it up and move on.

[Luvmykidz]

Reread this and understand how your wife must feel in this "marriage".

 

She's never been married to you - she been married to you AND your OW.

 

You've held this OW in higher regard than your W - and risked the M for the benefit of being with this OW.

 

 

Let your W be free so she can find a man to REALLY love her and only her - one who will make her his TOP priority.

 

You are not that guy.

 

But if you ask her, I'm a great husband. Go to her fb page and you'll see all kinds of lovey dovey posts and pictures. Look, I love both women, there's nothing I can do about it. But I made a commitment so I can't break that to be with the love of my life and soulmate. I can't leave my family for that. It's selfish and my kids would never forgive me for it. My whole family and our friends wouldn't forgive me either.

[Luvmykidz]

sounds like he does love her. oddly.

 

I do love her. I made a commitment and will not abandon her. My intention is to stay married.

[Miss Clavel]

No I haven't told her everything. I admitted to sleeping with OW once and after that I vowed not to contact her again. Regarding OW, I've already been in a long relationship with her. She pre-dates my W. So I am familiar with being in a serious relationship with her, she's not some random person I met after being M. She has had a big impact on my life and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But you have a point and that's why I won't leave my W for her. It's the fear that it won't be what I thought it would be and also the backlash from leaving my family for something that may not work out.

 

 

i think the way out of this is try to focus on what you don't like about the other woman. and there's gotta be something.focus on that. see her for real and it breaks the spell. tell yourself, "that's in the past", chant that line, 50 times a day. mantra's always help.

 

it sounds to me like your are enjoying the ride, with your wife and family. that's a lot. why give it up?

 

just make it clear to your wife, when the last kid leaves the nest, you two need to sit down and talk. don't act decent, tell her the truth. you want to divide it up or carry on?

 

what you need to know is what you want, long term.

 

after all, as a long term employee, your wife will be entitled to half of everything and even some alimony. you need a financial planner, act decent and make sure she's taken care of.

[Luvmykidz]

Exactly. If I was her, I would want to know... because I would never settle for a marriage of convenience with a man who was in love with another woman.

 

But, OP seems to think that she would prefer not to know and that she will not leave the marriage - that financial security and maintaining her way of life is more important than love or respect.

 

It sucks that I never got over OW from when we were teens. We never wanted to break up, it wasn't our decision. But fate happened and life took me to another place with another woman, who became the mother of my kids. I hate that she walked in on me with all that baggage. For years I tried to fight the love I have for OW. I have shut her out many times because I felt guilty about still loving her. But this time, I have shut her out for good and cruely too. I know it's for the best.

[Luvmykidz]

i think the way out of this is try to focus on what you don't like about the other woman. and there's gotta be something.focus on that. see her for real and it breaks the spell. tell yourself, "that's in the past", chant that line, 50 times a day. mantra's always help.

 

it sounds to me like your are enjoying the ride, with your wife and family. that's a lot. why give it up?

 

just make it clear to your wife, when the last kid leaves the nest, you two need to sit down and talk. don't act decent, tell her the truth. you want to divide it up or carry on?

 

what you need to know is what you want, long term.

 

after all, as a long term employee, your wife will be entitled to half of everything and even some alimony. you need a financial planner, act decent and make sure she's taken care of.

 

I've partially tried what you suggest. I keep telling myself it's over and in the past and that helps me refrain from contacting her or showing any kind of interest in her. My W deserves the truth, I'm just too much of a coward to give it to her. It's been said here and I was offended at first but now I realize it's true. I don't want to hurt my W any more than I already have. The financial stuff you're talking about is sickening too. I can't imagine paying all that money to someone I'm no longer with.

[knitwit]

@Luvmykidz, blocking the OW on NC may not kill your love for your OW entirely, but it will allow you to finally stop pining away instead have your full attention on your family.

 

I liken it to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but furtively stares at vodka ads longingly vs someone who just closes the page. It's a difference between thinking "I miss those days" and "that is poison to me" and moving on.

 

The person who indulges in moments of longing never really quite moves on; there is always a comparison in his mind of the Good Life while drinking vs the Lacking Life without drinking. The person who looks briefly and says "Eh, no that is poison" instead is able to focus on the Good Life in front of him.

 

Realize that your OW is poison to your happiness, and move on. She may be a lovely person but she can only bring pain to you and your family. There is no need to look back. When you look her up on social media, you are mini-dosing yourself and keeping your brain fixated on what you Lack.

 

If you can stay at a true NC and train your brain to think of something other than your OW, your feelings won't die but they will quiet down. You will probably always love her, but allow her to retire to a small place in your heart, and let your love for your family and all of the wonderful things you have in front of take the center place.

[pepperbird]

I've partially tried what you suggest. I keep telling myself it's over and in the past and that helps me refrain from contacting her or showing any kind of interest in her. My W deserves the truth, I'm just too much of a coward to give it to her. It's been said here and I was offended at first but now I realize it's true. I don't want to hurt my W any more than I already have. The financial stuff you're talking about is sickening too. I can't imagine paying all that money to someone I'm no longer with.

 

 

So it comes down to money? I really hope that's not what you meant.

 

 

 

 

 

The more you try and rationalize your behvaior, the deeper the hole you dig.

 

 

 

A spouse is supposed to be the one person in the whole world you can trust to always have your back, to always be there for you and to not lie to you. Sure, there may be times when a spouse might trip up, but overall, they stay on the course. That is, if they really love you.

 

Look inside your heart and be 100 percent honest with yourself. Are you staying with your wife because you love her, or because you don't want to have to pay spousal support/ look like the bad guy/ not be around your kids as much as you would like?

 

Why can't you be honest with your wife? Tell her where she really stands, and give her the option of staying with you knowing you really don't care for her the way she thinks you do or leaving to find someone who isn't pining for someone else? If you still need a guidepost, put one of your kids in your wife's place. Imagine they are an adult, and in your wife's situation. What would you want for them? To be tied to a guy who would really rather be with someone else, but feels like they have to stay or to be with someone who stayed because it is 100 percent where they want to be?

 

 

 

All the lovey dovey stuff on facebook means zilch. In fact, many people who post these sorts of thing are desperately trying to convince themselves it's true, even when it's not. People who truly feel loved don't feel a need to do so, as they already know it.

 

 

 

One more thing. It doesn't say much for the ow character that she would knowingly sleep with a married father of three.

[BaileyB]

So it comes down to money? I really hope that's not what you meant.

 

The more you try and rationalize your behvaior, the deeper the hole you dig.

 

A spouse is supposed to be the one person in the whole world you can trust to always have your back, to always be there for you and to not lie to you.

 

Are you staying with your wife because you love her, or because you don't want to have to pay spousal support/ look like the bad guy/ not be around your kids as much as you would like?

 

Exactly what I thought.

 

OP, let’s be honest here. It’s very clear that you do not love your wife. If you did, you wouldn’t lie beside her every night in bed knowing that you have been lying to her all these years.

 

Rather, you fancy yourself in love with the other woman... a woman who, let’s be honest, doesn’t have the best moral character if she is having an affair with a married man, a “devoted” father of three.

 

It’s also very clear that you stay, not out of devotion to your wife and children... because if you were truely devoted to your family, you would never have made the decision to put your family at risk all those years ago. No, you stay for your own comfort... it’s easier to stay than to divide your assets and lose your standard of living. It’s also easier to stay than to have your children and the rest of the world know that you are not the man and the father that you would like them to think you are... You stay for yourself, not for your family.

 

To be honest and make the hard decisions takes courage. I hope that someday, you can be honest with yourself and with your family. I hope that you find the courage to lead a life of integrity.

Edited July 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

Exactly what I thought.

 

OP, let’s be honest here. It’s very clear that you do not love your wife. If you did, you wouldn’t lie beside her every night in bed knowing that you have been lying to her all these years.

 

Rather, you fancy yourself in love with the other woman... a woman who, let’s be honest, doesn’t have the best moral character if she is having an affair with a married man, a “devoted” father of three.

 

It’s also very clear that you stay, not out of devotion to your wife and children... because if you were truely devoted to your family, you would never have made the decision to put your family at risk all those years ago. No, you stay for your own comfort... it’s easier to stay than to divide your assets and lose your standard of living. It’s also easier to stay than to have your children and the rest of the world know that you are not the man and the father that you would like them to think you are... You stay for yourself, not for your family.

 

To be honest and make the hard decisions takes courage. I hope that someday, you can be honest with yourself and with your family. I hope that you find the courage to lead a life of integrity.

 

I will never, ever understand the excuse that " I can't be honest with my spouse because I can't risk my family". That excuse might fly if it were a one night stand, but not an extended affair.

 

Someone that doesn't want to risk hurting their family doesn't engage in an affair, because by doing so, they are doing the one thing that has an almost 100 percent chance of causing their spouse/children an immense amount of pain.

 

They are also honest with them. they don't allow their husband or wife to go through years of believing they have a faithful spouse and a happy marriage only to spring the truth on them and walk away as soon as the kids have flown the nest. That is incredibly cruel.

[Luvmykidz]

@Luvmykidz, blocking the OW on NC may not kill your love for your OW entirely, but it will allow you to finally stop pining away instead have your full attention on your family.

 

I liken it to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but furtively stares at vodka ads longingly vs someone who just closes the page. It's a difference between thinking "I miss those days" and "that is poison to me" and moving on.

 

The person who indulges in moments of longing never really quite moves on; there is always a comparison in his mind of the Good Life while drinking vs the Lacking Life without drinking. The person who looks briefly and says "Eh, no that is poison" instead is able to focus on the Good Life in front of him.

 

Realize that your OW is poison to your happiness, and move on. She may be a lovely person but she can only bring pain to you and your family. There is no need to look back. When you look her up on social media, you are mini-dosing yourself and keeping your brain fixated on what you Lack.

 

If you can stay at a true NC and train your brain to think of something other than your OW, your feelings won't die but they will quiet down. You will probably always love her, but allow her to retire to a small place in your heart, and let your love for your family and all of the wonderful things you have in front of take the center place.

 

I don't look her up, I see her automatically on my newsfeed. I just tell myself that while she looks so beautiful and is doing well without me, it's worth giving her up to keep my family. By true NC, I assume you mean blocking her so I can't see her?

[Luvmykidz]

So it comes down to money? I really hope that's not what you meant.

 

 

 

 

 

The more you try and rationalize your behvaior, the deeper the hole you dig.

 

 

 

A spouse is supposed to be the one person in the whole world you can trust to always have your back, to always be there for you and to not lie to you. Sure, there may be times when a spouse might trip up, but overall, they stay on the course. That is, if they really love you.

 

Look inside your heart and be 100 percent honest with yourself. Are you staying with your wife because you love her, or because you don't want to have to pay spousal support/ look like the bad guy/ not be around your kids as much as you would like?

 

Why can't you be honest with your wife? Tell her where she really stands, and give her the option of staying with you knowing you really don't care for her the way she thinks you do or leaving to find someone who isn't pining for someone else? If you still need a guidepost, put one of your kids in your wife's place. Imagine they are an adult, and in your wife's situation. What would you want for them? To be tied to a guy who would really rather be with someone else, but feels like they have to stay or to be with someone who stayed because it is 100 percent where they want to be?

 

 

 

All the lovey dovey stuff on facebook means zilch. In fact, many people who post these sorts of thing are desperately trying to convince themselves it's true, even when it's not. People who truly feel loved don't feel a need to do so, as they already know it.

 

 

 

One more thing. It doesn't say much for the ow character that she would knowingly sleep with a married father of three.

 

There are multiple factors that it comes down to:

 

1. I love my kids and am used to being with them 100% if the time. I've always been their primary caregiver. I cannot bear losing that.

2. My father left the family when I was growing up. I want to be the father I didn't have.

3. I love my wife. I made a commitment to her.

4. Leaving my family seems extremely difficult and pretty much impossible. I'm very comfortable.

5. I don't want to shake up my life or my kids life.

6. I don't want to pay money to someone I'm not with anymore.

[Luvmykidz]

Exactly what I thought.

 

OP, let’s be honest here. It’s very clear that you do not love your wife. If you did, you wouldn’t lie beside her every night in bed knowing that you have been lying to her all these years.

 

Rather, you fancy yourself in love with the other woman... a woman who, let’s be honest, doesn’t have the best moral character if she is having an affair with a married man, a “devoted” father of three.

 

It’s also very clear that you stay, not out of devotion to your wife and children... because if you were truely devoted to your family, you would never have made the decision to put your family at risk all those years ago. No, you stay for your own comfort... it’s easier to stay than to divide your assets and lose your standard of living. It’s also easier to stay than to have your children and the rest of the world know that you are not the man and the father that you would like them to think you are... You stay for yourself, not for your family.

 

To be honest and make the hard decisions takes courage. I hope that someday, you can be honest with yourself and with your family. I hope that you find the courage to lead a life of integrity.

 

Wrong. I love my wife and I feel responsible for her. She got pregnant with two of our children before we married and I decided recently that I'm just going to have to live with that. I made the kids so now I have to raise them. I don't want visitation on the weekend, I want my kids 24/7. You're right though, I stay because I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't have the courage to leave and I also keep falling into the trap of believing things will change.

[Luvmykidz]

I will never, ever understand the excuse that " I can't be honest with my spouse because I can't risk my family". That excuse might fly if it were a one night stand, but not an extended affair.

 

Someone that doesn't want to risk hurting their family doesn't engage in an affair, because by doing so, they are doing the one thing that has an almost 100 percent chance of causing their spouse/children an immense amount of pain.

 

They are also honest with them. they don't allow their husband or wife to go through years of believing they have a faithful spouse and a happy marriage only to spring the truth on them and walk away as soon as the kids have flown the nest. That is incredibly cruel.

 

An excuse? It's the reason. And incredibly cruel? I've been that, you're right. I'm sure OW is done with me for good because I now act like she doesn't exist. It's a heavy price to pay for my horrible actions.

[knitwit]

I don't look her up, I see her automatically on my newsfeed. I just tell myself that while she looks so beautiful and is doing well without me, it's worth giving her up to keep my family. By true NC, I assume you mean blocking her so I can't see her?

 

Yes, I mean you should block her entirely. Any time you see her, hear her, and think of her is a "mini-dose" to your brain. It puts you in a "Lacking" mindset, that you have to Give Something Up, which implies that now something is missing.

 

Over time, if you stop the mini-dosing and instead fully enjoy the family you have in front of you, you will end the "I Lack" mindset.

 

You will find happiness a lot faster if you can focus on the good things you have: on your kids, the wife you love, the wonderful, comfortable life you've built. You're abundant in these riches that many in life do not have.

 

Go NC. You don't have to block her with anger, you can do it with love. Trust that she has her own path and it is now divergent from yours. Wish her well and know that some part of you will always love her, hope that you had some sort of positive effect on her, and let that be it.

 

Then hugs your kids, and think about all that You Have. You have so much, honestly! And you can invest your time and energy, heart and mind, into your kids and marriage and family and Have even More! You will have a much higher payoff and much more satisfaction this way, don't you think?

[Prudence V]

There are multiple factors that it comes down to:

 

1. I love my kids and am used to being with them 100% if the time. I've always been their primary caregiver. I cannot bear losing that.

 

If you are their primary caregiver, why would that change after divorce? It’s more likely that the primary caregiver gets custody and the other parent gets visitation, unless custod is 50/50.

 

This looks like an excuse to me.