Need Relationship Input

[Guy2891]

I love this woman! She is smart, successful, independent, and completely drop dead gorgeous!! I’m so not exaggerating, promise! I feel so lucky to be with her:) We have been together for a little over a year, it has been trying as there have been some momentous obstacles and hard things to get through, but we are both 35 and willing! That being said we had a little tiff-ish thing/convo/argument last night and I’m wondering how to feel and what to do with myself...there’s your context...

I almost left you with that as your only context, but feel I need to elaborate on my faults so that you can appreciate her and give her some empathy as well...I am a 35 year old man, work as a paramedic/firefighter 16 years professionally at this point, am divorced(emotionally abusive marriage) I definitely had plenty to play in it as well, and feel like I carry some baggage and lessons from it! 4 years out of a 9 year marriage have 3(yeah 3) kiddoes whom I share custody of. I have had “flare ups” of what I now know is PTSD which in the past has led to isolating or drinking too much to numb or feel, not now, have received counseling for and feel like I have a handle on now...or ever with my girlfriend, but I did get a DUI()shortly after we got together and have been going through a struggle since, worried about the loss of my job/kids(secure now!), stuck on house arrest for the last 2 months/her making excuses for me to not be at events with her friends because of it without telling everyone what happened, etc..this amazing woman chose to see me from an amazing perspective and loved me till I could love myself again and be whole and feel valuable...one could almost argue that because she did such a good job making me feel good and decent as a human being, that is the reason I now feel like I have the right to have “concerns” in our relationship lol...way to go babe haha...as I describe this about her it makes my frustrations seem a whole lot smaller, she really is amazing...She is 34, confident, smart, beautiful, no kids, never been married, ultra loyal friend, unwanted enemy(a lot of backbone and sass)...she has a tendency to answer seriously to my sarcasm and teasing though which I do a lot in complete love and jest grrr..I know, that I know I am a very fortunate man to be with her! I accepted her for who she is and her past as well-bad relationships..we sort of fit our broken imperfect pieces together to make something resplendent and new! All of this to say, no matter how you start and what happens to get you there, a relationship is still work, and still can have issues:-/...so here goes..,

I’m not telling her to stop, haven’t asked , and I don’t control her at all, but is it normal for me to want my girlfriend to stop messaging back single, possibly interested(perhaps maybe neither party even ever having shown it outright, except obviously when they met and exchanged info) guys she met before me? She’s not initiating anything as far as I know(likely not, she is awesome and trustworthy) just responding kindly and above board, no flirty talk or private messages to “not be rude”(I assume no PMs anyway, I don’t check her phone and don’t want to, I like trusting her, and feel confident in that, she’s awesome that way somehow!) I very nicely told her how I felt uncomfortable with it for the impression it may be giving them, (we all know guys) nothing green eyed monsterish (ok, let’s face it, probably subconsciously….or consciously I guess since I’m consciously considering this fml*, a little insecurity/jealousy tbh) it just seems a little disrespectful to me, the messaging, innocent as it may be with past potential interests, even if they didn’t amount to any kind of relationship. And maybe even if it only happened every now and again, but there’s a few that like and comment on almost everything she posts(Why does she feel like she needs to comment back every single time...doesn’t this convey that they are still in the purview of her universe and may have a chance somehow/sometime, I mean if it is responded to every time and they comment/like often?? I do know that if I get girls constantly commenting on my posts and I have a current girlfriend and I know these girls are interested in me, out of respect for said girlfriend I don’t respond(maybe just who I am, I dunno, hence the open letter for input lol...but that’s by the by, just a ponderance really not even the actual “problem” First let me be crystal clear, I’m totally confident in our relationship, she causes me to feel that way. I had a lot of stuff going wrong in my life and trials and screw ups, yet she accepts me and loves me through them and makes me feel good about myself and my situation! Because of all these good things I feel a little like I’m splitting hairs here and making a mountain out of a molehill, except that similar circumstances keep arising, which is distressing to me and causes me a lack of feeling emotionally validated and it is extremely frustrating!! Ok let me continue...I actually appreciate the independence and confidence that some attention from other guys gives her and would never want to stifle her and absolutely don’t want to control her or somehow expect her to completely stop talking to the opposite sex! Please understand that last statement is my heart for her! I want her to flourish and grow and succeed in every way possible, freely! Here’s the sItuation..,there we were the couch looking at Instagram and it was about 3 months in and I was snooping on likes and comments she had(ALL women do this too btw, she told me lol) it’s just that when I asked her where she met and commentator/super liker..let’s call him “Joe” she nonspecificly said Instagram and changed the subject, I felt that this was not the “exact” truth, but it was only a few months into our relationship, and I truly already trusted her fully and I honestly would probably do the same thing if I had no intentions toward a similar situation person and didn’t want her to think that I might. So fast forward to a little over a year I continued to notice (1 year in) more back and forth from “Joe”, let’s be clear again...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING inappropriate, just commments and responses on Instagram pics, the same as all the other comments from other girls and guys, she answers ALL of them, she’s very social media competent-savvy(MUCH more than me lol), and so I asked again in a very offhanded and neutral manner where she met him/how she knew him, I saw a comment and remembered how the initial answer seemed disguised, but feel rock solid in our relationship now so I was really just casually curious what the actual story was lol, thinking she would be equally confident to maybe tell me what she left out the first time. This time she said she met and ended up exchanging info when she was out at a bar with one of her girls well before she met me. I fully and completely expected this answer, wasn’t mad, and was actually relieved that my initial “gut” feeling was still functionable from the first time...even so I honestly felt a small surge of stomach nausea...and a little miffed, maybe a teeny bit righteously indignant , by that misdirection from the first time I asked, but understood the “why”(she very nicely didn’t want me to think it was something it wasn’t, which tells me even then she was hopeful of a future together and didn’t want that idiotic thing to get in the way early on) So she asked and I relented and I brought up my little hurt feewings by that misdirection (only because she pressed to know “if everything was ok”) (I interpret, “are you fine with the explanation I just gave”?haha, me and my internal monologue and interpretations..I know, I know..) I had honestly decided to let it go, but it must have been on my face, I struggle to hide my emotions from my facial expressions..except my classic RBF, resting bitch face which has nothing to do with my emotional state of mind…she then denied exact knowledge of what she said the first time I asked which is plausible as it was 10 months ago right?. Now I, I being what I would expect my response to be had the roles been reversed, (if it was me, this is how I would want to be treated) might’ve misdirected when asked a similar question, but would explain it fully if “pressed” or “found out” being totally honest and open and telling her that I didn’t want her to think anything of it and that I only had eyes for her and wanted to be with her(thus thoroughly reassuring any of her possible quite unfounded insecurities and/or misunderstandings), is it reasonable to expect a similar kind of response? I would hope that I don’t do anything to illicit feelings of insecurity as far as the..solidness..of our relationship goes, but I realize it’s possible and instead of being able to articulate those feelings to me or understand that about herself? she responds this way? I’m bothered by her denial of the knowledge of the initial question and answer, not by her commenting back and forth with him(I’ll be crystal clear here) I love her so much and totally plan on marrying her, she is beautiful and amazing to me, she causes me to feel way more secure/confident in us and our monogamy/opposite sex interests, what have you, than any other relationship I’ve ever been in! Why would she be so unwilling or unable to admit she initially misdirected the question to protect me and make me feel secure, or even just suppose that’s why she did it if she honestly couldn’t remember(which I highly doubt because she did remember me asking, just not what she said answered specifically?(she FINALLY admitted that this was the case after a long… let me be clear…calm, loving(if a bit persistent) empathetic, all the right things, conversation…. (but it was an unhappy admission/supposition and not in those exact words) Did she respond this way because she felt caught in a, I’ll call it a teeny, little, completely reasonable and understandable, white lie/misdirection, for my benefit? Or is she concerned that I’ll overreact somehow and be jealous? (Let me clarify one thing for sure, I am an even keeled and calm person by nature, even, and I will stress, I feel ESPECIALLY calm, in a disagreement/misunderstanding). Or maybe she’s worried that I’ll use it as something “wrong” with her or something “wrong” she did? I really do hope that I cause her to be secure enough that she can be totally honest and vulnerable with me. I’m considering all options here. I don’t think I’ve given her reasons to think that I’m a super jealous dude….I have asked a couple of questions before, but always in a non accusatory and friendly manner(these could be interpreted wrong, I’m fully aware lol) Should I now be worried about her friendship with him? I’m still not honestly. However If I tell her that now it bothers me, because of her misdirection I know that she will tell me to not be jealous and nothing is going on..the thing is I’m really(cross my heart) not jealous of it, I’m more bothered by the lack of willingness on her part to be honest and reassuring and potentially vulnerable with what was going on. Should I be concerned with this, is it psychologically because she is worried that I’ll leave her or see flaws? Maybe I illicit feelings of insecurities in her? If so it’s completely unintentional, and what are some things that I can do to help those insecurities and cause her to be as truly confident in our relationship as she causes me to be?? Ok book over haha….I think I may have worked my way through my own conundrum, but would love some input/advice! This type of situation, not asking about other dudes, but the lack of “owning” her part of things, or taking responsibility and being completely honest and being totally vulnerable and trusting me(result I feel is ultimate intimacy) has happened multiple times, I didn’t write a book the first time something happened lol that would be nutso haha, I see a reoccurring trend that is bothersome to me because I love her to the moon and back and, most probably, some way that I am or something I’m doing or not doing is contributing....

 

This example is the crux of how I see the very few problems in our relationship...

I have to share the fact that I know that I’m not a victim here or blameless or some kind of a saint of relationship perfection lol in these disagreements, I know that I can be grumpy and emotional and react instead of respond sometimes. I know all too often one can paint themselves into the perspective of complete “righteousness” so exasperated on why the other person does what they do, that is not me! I am frustrated however and sharing from my point of view for perhaps just an attitude adjustment or perspective change...that could be all I need, a tweak of myself somewhere..

From my perspective of course..and like I said I’m aware that I’m a very flawed and imperfect human, that’s lucky in love!

Here’s how it goes for me...boiled down

I will have an issue(very rarely) with her I don’t like, and it illicits hurt emotions in me(yes I am a slightly sensitive manly man lol I’m aware, but I feel like I can love more deeply and fully because of that)!!

Anyway the issue will cause me to have a “problem” with something she’s done, my first reaction is introspection and time, then if it is still bothering me I bring it up gently to this woman I love so much, and she inevitably disagrees with me or doesn’t remember it the same way, then apologizes that I feel that way, and in doing so takes little to no responsibility for it...Heeeeelllpp!!! This causes me to feel like an unstable and quite possibly certifiable insane person, because the human I love and value above any other is saying it’s my skewed perspective or something wrong with me!(she just disagrees with me and says that’s not what she’s doing when I brought up how I feel in these circumstances)...case and point. I think most would agree??Is it just me? Or do some of you brave souls who have read this far have similar frustrations? I feel like I would be totally concerned and worried that I may have caused these hurts in her that I love and would be and have been willing to take ownership in my portion of them, thus becoming vulnerable and validating her feelings .When I have explained this to her, she responds with”you just want me to say what’s wrong with me” or “you just want to be right, and me to say sorry”. This makes me sad because it is absolutely not true, I simply want her to validate my feelings and tell me she loves me in these moments, I feel like that would give me the confidence and security to defend her! I feel like this isn’t done for me and have brought it up to the same reaction over and over with new “issues” that pop up. What is a guy supposed to feel and do in this situation? I’m struggling with this and want to be the best partner I can be! I have feelings and emotions sometimes unfortunately:(

 

I’m asking honestly, and with a fully amenable attitude and thought process( because only I know, even though stated multiple times here, how fallible this human is, and how accepting she is of me!! I so want this to work for us and to be two old grey/bald heads together, ****ting alternatively in our depends gazing over our horses on our ranch!

 

Thank you( if there are any of you lol) for reading through all of this(if you didn’t just skip to the bottom...how dare you, you know who you are;), and for any advice(please be non-jaded, kind, and sincere), or general words of wisdom/constructive criticism!

 

In my experience as a human (much of this learned from this very Woman whom I am so in heart with!!) to be open is to realize others have been through the same sort of things and most are empathetic and nonjudgmental...has been totally surprising and uplifting to me! So here I am world, flawed, imperfect, open with my struggles and continuously realizing most struggles can be less uh...struggling if honest introspection and change within occurs!

#peopleareinherentlygoodIbelieve

 

-Confused/slightly scared/totally in love/crave complete trust and intimacy/ with this and only this woman forever-

in Seattle*

[coolheadal]

Excuse me you need to re-write your post even I can't or computer can repeat back to me what you have said.

[Versacehottie]

I'll admit i just skimmed your post & would maybe re-read if there were more paragraphs. What i saw, I would say there is much more good than bad and you should realize that and not expect everything to be perfect, perfect.

 

I like that you said you like to trust her. I always feel that's a great sign. I guess you are just going to have to embrace it--otherwise, you don't really trust her then do you? I wouldn't let the fact that some guys attempt to message her be the thing that derails you. You could be married 50 years and some guy somewhere will try to hit on her or admire her beauty. The fact is that you trust her and she is trustworthy. Go with that. Good luck

[Guy2891]

Hi! Sorry for the bad format, I copied and pasted from my phone notes to here. I am now unable to edit...do you have a little button at the top right that can change it to “print view”?

[Guy2891]

Thank you for reading and the input! I am sorry for the bad format! I won’t be copying and pasting again!

You are right! There is a lot more good than bad for sure, thank you for pointing that out, I surprised myself when I started writing how many good things came out...kind of took the righteous frustration out of my sails:)

I do want to be clear here, I’m not jealous of her at all! I trust her completely, the issue I specified is separate, I mearly used that as an example, and went off on a little tangent haha

Thanks again!

[William]

Thread starter, here's a suggestion:

 

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3. Given its length, keep the full post and place a synopsis at the top.

 

Thanks!

[DrReplyInRhymes]

She does all of this stuff for you, like make you feel amazing and whatnot.

 

However, what do you do for her? Do you accentuate her life journey at all?

 

If not, leave her alone and let her be. Let her find someone else who'll make her happy.