becca564 Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 Hi all, I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now. This is my first relationship since coming out of a difficult long term relationship where I had my heart completely broken through numerous episodes of betrayal so of course I am proceeding with caution. I am also his first relationship after a 2 year relationship with someone he clearly loved (he still had some Facebook posts up between the two of them when I first met him so I seen how they talked about each other and it was lovely - he has now removed all traces of their relationship). Since I seen those, there was a part of me that wanted him to be talking about me like that. I have to admit, there is something about him that made me believe he was genuine and I could learn to trust him. We agreed from the first date we wanted to take things slowly. Since then, we have seen each other approximately 1 to 2 times a week and speak almost every day. He is originally from another country and went home to see family for 2 weeks and whilst he was away, he text me almost every day which I was really surprised and impressed by. We met online and I had seen that he had updated his profile photo but although we acted like we were together, we hadn't had the conversation and so I gave the benefit of the doubt and didn't want my trust issues to potentially get in the way of a good thing. So when he returned last week and I approached the 'exclusivity talk' to see where he thought this was heading and I got the answer I wanted - he liked me, he wasn't seeing anyone else and he wanted to see where it would go. Great - or so I though... He works a lot (I mean barely a day off) so his texting can be erratic and I have always said I don't expect to hear from him 24/7 but his texting has definitely decreased since our talk. We also didn't get time to meet until a week after our talk. When we did, he brought it up again and reaffirmed his position in quite some detail. He even finished the conversation by saying "we are together and unless one of us tells the other differently, let's just assume that is how it is". Also great... That was 4 days ago, he has text every day since albeit probably shorter conversations than normal and he has asked if we can go out for dinner tonight. I said I would love to. This morning, he text me a photo of him playing sport from the weekend and I had a gut instinct so I looked at his online dating profile and boom - there it is! He updated it this morning. I should say I stopped messaging anyone else after approximately 1.5 months of dating this guy. My immediate reaction is "how dare he" and wanting to send a message telling him it is over. However, I do care for him and I know he cares for me in some way and I do see potential. I still plan on meeting him for dinner but these are the conflicting thoughts I am having:- A) End it. There is no valid reason or excuse; B) Ask him directly without being accusatory (bear in mind we have already had 2 quite serious talks the last 2 times we met and I don't want to look like a bunny boiler); C) Wait it out and keep my options open. Continue seeing him and enjoying it for what it is, after all we are both experiencing a new relationship after coming out of long term ones and it does usually take longer from a man's pov (also bearing in mind I don't want to be made a fool of so I want my eyes to be wide open if I make this choice).
stillafool Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 I vote for option B. Why not just ask him why his online profile says he's available to date?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 After 3 months, it wasn't out of order to ask where you stood. It's his response that would give me pause. "We are together unless one of us says otherwise." Why even qualify "we are together" with that last bit, unless he is still on the hunt? Or, does he perhaps have the impression that you are still talking to other people? I would not just sit back at this point. There's no sense wasting time with him if he is in fact still open to meeting someone else. I would be honest, and tell him what you saw. Ask him what that means, and explain what you would like from him (exclusivity) and that - to you- that means neither of you will be using the dating app/site any longer. See if that's something he agrees with; if not, you have your answer.
ConfusedDude79 Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 I made this mistake before. I went online and my girl saw me online. This is after a month and we have not even had that exclusivity talk. She confronted me about it, we committed to each other and we moved past it. Or so I thought. A year later she brings it up out of nowhere and breaks up with me. Devastated.
Author becca564 Posted June 26, 2018 Author Posted June 26, 2018 I made this mistake before. I went online and my girl saw me online. This is after a month and we have not even had that exclusivity talk. She confronted me about it, we committed to each other and we moved past it. Or so I thought. A year later she brings it up out of nowhere and breaks up with me. Devastated. Was this part of the reasons she gave for the break up? Sorry to hear about what happened. It is horrible. If my bf reacted the way you did, I would be more than happy to continue to see where the relationship would go and move passed this but I won't be seeing him for another 2 days so I won't know what will happen until then.
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 Hi all, I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now. This is my first relationship since coming out of a difficult long term relationship where I had my heart completely broken through numerous episodes of betrayal so of course I am proceeding with caution. I am also his first relationship after a 2 year relationship with someone he clearly loved (he still had some Facebook posts up between the two of them when I first met him so I seen how they talked about each other and it was lovely - he has now removed all traces of their relationship). Since I seen those, there was a part of me that wanted him to be talking about me like that. I have to admit, there is something about him that made me believe he was genuine and I could learn to trust him. We agreed from the first date we wanted to take things slowly. Since then, we have seen each other approximately 1 to 2 times a week and speak almost every day. He is originally from another country and went home to see family for 2 weeks and whilst he was away, he text me almost every day which I was really surprised and impressed by. We met online and I had seen that he had updated his profile photo but although we acted like we were together, we hadn't had the conversation and so I gave the benefit of the doubt and didn't want my trust issues to potentially get in the way of a good thing. So when he returned last week and I approached the 'exclusivity talk' to see where he thought this was heading and I got the answer I wanted - he liked me, he wasn't seeing anyone else and he wanted to see where it would go. Great - or so I though... He works a lot (I mean barely a day off) so his texting can be erratic and I have always said I don't expect to hear from him 24/7 but his texting has definitely decreased since our talk. We also didn't get time to meet until a week after our talk. When we did, he brought it up again and reaffirmed his position in quite some detail. He even finished the conversation by saying "we are together and unless one of us tells the other differently, let's just assume that is how it is". Also great... That was 4 days ago, he has text every day since albeit probably shorter conversations than normal and he has asked if we can go out for dinner tonight. I said I would love to. This morning, he text me a photo of him playing sport from the weekend and I had a gut instinct so I looked at his online dating profile and boom - there it is! He updated it this morning. I should say I stopped messaging anyone else after approximately 1.5 months of dating this guy. My immediate reaction is "how dare he" and wanting to send a message telling him it is over. However, I do care for him and I know he cares for me in some way and I do see potential. I still plan on meeting him for dinner but these are the conflicting thoughts I am having:- A) End it. There is no valid reason or excuse; B) Ask him directly without being accusatory (bear in mind we have already had 2 quite serious talks the last 2 times we met and I don't want to look like a bunny boiler); C) Wait it out and keep my options open. Continue seeing him and enjoying it for what it is, after all we are both experiencing a new relationship after coming out of long term ones and it does usually take longer from a man's pov (also bearing in mind I don't want to be made a fool of so I want my eyes to be wide open if I make this choice). Is this the same guy that you checked on before? Weeks ago? And found out then that he was online dating? WHy don't you ask him?
OldSoulB Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 (edited) Why is it so hard to just ask? Are you afraid of him thinking you're a stalker or something? You had a gut feeling and you acted on it, and guess what, you were right. Then ****ing just bring it up to him. Otherwise you'll just be in doubt the whole time and it'll have big effects on you, and not good ones either. Those are the results you can expect from asking him (So OBVIOUSLY I'm going with option B): 1) It was a mistake he made. He'll change it and you're good to go. 2) He'll accuse you of stalking and watching his every move and that it's none of your business. You should be done with him right then and there and move on. Because that type of reaction is a sign that he's trouble. 3) He'll say that he's not sure of the relationship between you two and is still dating around. Basically he'll go back on what he said before and now says you guys are not exclusive yet. 4) He'll tell you it's not working out and for you to take a hike. Tada! Edited June 26, 2018 by OldSoulB
Author becca564 Posted June 26, 2018 Author Posted June 26, 2018 Thanks guys. I know you are right that I just need to mention it and be direct. I know the reason it is so hard for me to do that is because of my last long term relationship where I was made feel like a stalker/psycho/bunny boiler and every other cliche you can think of when I addressed issues (that turned out to be completely valid) so now I feel like I can't do that with any guy. He has asked me to meet him for dinner on Thursday night so I will tell him that I seen it and see what he says.
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 Thanks guys. I know you are right that I just need to mention it and be direct. I know the reason it is so hard for me to do that is because of my last long term relationship where I was made feel like a stalker/psycho/bunny boiler and every other cliche you can think of when I addressed issues (that turned out to be completely valid) so now I feel like I can't do that with any guy. He has asked me to meet him for dinner on Thursday night so I will tell him that I seen it and see what he says. Hasn't he done this before? A few weeks ago?
AnotherGuy1234 Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 If he gets all defensive over this, then he is guilty. Relationships require trust. But sometimes you have to use logic. First of all, if I was in a relationship. That account would be deactivated. Second, if any girl tries to flirt or ask me out for dinner. I would tell them I was taken even if my relationship had some issues. Only time I would engage another female was that I was out of a relationship. Only people who play games aren't going to do what I do. And most of them need to be sterilized.
ConfusedDude79 Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 She claims it is the only reason. I find that hard to believe though. Hope it goes well for you. Was this part of the reasons she gave for the break up? Sorry to hear about what happened. It is horrible. If my bf reacted the way you did, I would be more than happy to continue to see where the relationship would go and move passed this but I won't be seeing him for another 2 days so I won't know what will happen until then.
overcome Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 Becca, I think you have a right to know where he stands. Whenever I've met someone online and enough time has past where it's obvious we are dating and we are entering the BF/GF phase, I just take down my profile. This guy is not and that is troubling to me. I think it's in your best interest to find out. How you do that is up to you but telling the truth usually is the best route. You could state that you were curious to see if he still had his profile up and that you noticed that his profile pics are changing. It may seem like you are stalking him but it's an honest question that deserves an honest answer. Any guy that is happy with the girl he is dating will be able to explain this or would have taken down the profile. Just my two cents. Good luck.
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