mgth Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 So I was dumped by my girlfriend rather abruptly to me. But looking back she had been withdrawing and checking out the previous weeks. We had a strong connection, and for the last 1/2 months personal insecurities and fears of mine would effect the relationship at times. Resulting in me looking for reassurance too often. We agreed our commitment for each other, and that with time this will pass through. We were together for 11 months. I now see I was having a more anxious attachment pattern, while she was avoidant/secure. When she dumped me she stayed to talk with me for a while and we both cried. I was told maybe in the future, we need to work on ourselves, she needs space/time. We talked briefly a couple days post and I asked her to talk, but she said she would block me if i asked again. I sent her a message 1 week and 4 weeks post to speak (stupidly), but both messages were ignored. She then went on to delete me from social media. It has been 2 months now, and I would like to send an email. Hoping she is well, apologizing for letting my issues affect the relatioship, thanking her for making me a better person. I don't want to talk as theres nothing else to say. Should I send an email like this? I am happy, but I do love her and want to try and not have regret. I am afraid that this will make things worse, or that it will push her away further. Or that without sending it she doesn't know all this. Thanks for any input.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 Or that without sending it she doesn't know all this. Why do you feel she needs to know this?
bathtub-row Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 She was pretty clear about not wanting to be contacted by you. I think what she did was overly harsh but that's what she wanted. You need to honor that. She'll actually realize that you've grown up just by you doing nothing. Most people underestimate the power of silence but, nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact that it's very powerful. She'll be talking about you to someone one day, or thinking about you, and say, "Dang! Not a peep from him. That was completely unexpected. I'm impressed. He must've grown up." Contacting her - even to apologize or thank her - will do nothing. She'll only suspect that you're trying to get her back or that you're still in 'needy' mode. Then, all the good you established by your silence will go straight to hell. Don't mess up a good thing. Keep quiet. 3
Mac0908 Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 The fact that the thought even crossed your mind to contact her let alone the fact that you actually plan on doing it shows you have such an uphill battle to go mentally I can't even begin to help you. I'll leave you with four simple words that I can tell you if you don't listen to you will end up even more heartbroken, and lose whatever is left of your dignity. Do. Not. Contact. Her.
Author mgth Posted June 24, 2018 Author Posted June 24, 2018 Why do you feel she needs to know this? Because I believe she does not understand me, so she has resentment towards me for some reason. I would like to clear the air and show who I really am and that I care.
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 Do not send the e-mail. Your insecure behavior poisoned the relationship to the point she had to end things. She politely took your calls but eventually had to tell you to stop. She did that because you were being annoying. Doing another annoying thing & sending her this e-mail will only serve to aggravate her more. She will not accept your apology. It will be more evidence that you still haven't learned to be confident. She does not want to hear from you. Reaching out will annoy her.
Marc878 Posted June 24, 2018 Posted June 24, 2018 Geeze man what does she have to do to make you understand? Wake up. Being needy is a real turn off. Fix yourself for your next relationship 1
overcome Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 So you were told maybe in the future (if that's something that both of you want) and you broke that by contacting her twice. I get it, you're hurting. But here's the thing. If there was going to be a future between you two, you would have needed to respect what she asked for, regardless of how difficult it may have been for you. No one knows for sure how things will pan out between you two but I think you need to listen to everyone here and just move on. Leave her be. No contact. The rules are simple but I understand they can be hard to follow. Nonetheless, it's time for you to move on. You can't wait around hoping she'll want to speak to you ever again. However fast the break happened or whatever the reasons, it no longer matters. You are no longer part of her life and vice versa. It's tough love but it's what you need to hear. Good luck 1
Adiron Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 She told you in no uncertain terms to leave her alone. She ignored your numerous attempts to contact her. She blocked you on social media. She doesn't give a rat's ass what you think, why you think it and why you think she needs to know it. Learn not to care about a person who no longer cares about you and never will. 2
Happy Lemming Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 Learn not to care about a person who no longer cares about you and never will. This is perfect... In one sentence you brought complete clarity & logic to the situation!! 1
JP92 Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 I get how you're feeling. She runs through your mind 24-7 and you can't bear the thought of her being gone from your life. I get it. I was just there and still fight the mental demons, but listen to the posters on the forum. The worst thing you can possibly do is contact this woman. If you truly care for this woman, you'll respect her wishes and be silent. I know that sounds so hard right now as you have to fight strong urges every minute of every day, but trust me that'll it be for the best. You'll never heal if you keep contacting her and you'll push her away forever. The worst of both worlds. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 (edited) If you want to further irritate her and confirm for herself that she made the right decision ending it, then send the email. And if you need further confirmation this emailing her is a bad idea, go back and re-read the replies in your previous thread on the same topic. Edited June 25, 2018 by ExpatInItaly
OldSoulB Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 (edited) One of the reasons she dumped you is because you have the urge to share your feelings with her every time you feel something. Basically you're too emotional and acting too much like a girl for her to feel any kind of attraction towards you. If you keep acting that way, then what did you leave for her? She feels like she's your "Emotion dumpster" and that has totally tilted the balance of the relationship to where you're the girly one. Stop being a baby and let her go. The more you try to message/email her to convey your emotions, the more that re-affirms the decision she made to break up with you. *uck me men aren't men these days. Edited June 26, 2018 by OldSoulB
MissBee Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 So I was dumped by my girlfriend rather abruptly to me. But looking back she had been withdrawing and checking out the previous weeks. We had a strong connection, and for the last 1/2 months personal insecurities and fears of mine would effect the relationship at times. Resulting in me looking for reassurance too often. We agreed our commitment for each other, and that with time this will pass through. We were together for 11 months. I now see I was having a more anxious attachment pattern, while she was avoidant/secure. When she dumped me she stayed to talk with me for a while and we both cried. I was told maybe in the future, we need to work on ourselves, she needs space/time. We talked briefly a couple days post and I asked her to talk, but she said she would block me if i asked again. I sent her a message 1 week and 4 weeks post to speak (stupidly), but both messages were ignored. She then went on to delete me from social media. It has been 2 months now, and I would like to send an email. Hoping she is well, apologizing for letting my issues affect the relatioship, thanking her for making me a better person. I don't want to talk as theres nothing else to say. Should I send an email like this? I am happy, but I do love her and want to try and not have regret. I am afraid that this will make things worse, or that it will push her away further. Or that without sending it she doesn't know all this. Thanks for any input. Considering she responded negatively to you reaching out previously, I would not do so again. If you really want to get those feelings out, write the email and don't send it or send it to yourself. You have evidence that this hasn't worked before. She also broke it off with you. I know about anxious attachment and avoidant attachment and this will only push her further away and ramp up your anxiety when she doesn't respond or reacts badly. If she ever wants to reach out, she will. If she does then maybe you can thank her then, but please don't email her after she blocked you on everything and told you she'd do that if you tried to talk again. 1
mossycup Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 One of the reasons she dumped you is because you have the urge to share your feelings with her every time you feel something. Basically you're too emotional and acting too much like a girl for her to feel any kind of attraction towards you. If you keep acting that way, then what did you leave for her? She feels like she's your "Emotion dumpster" and that has totally tilted the balance of the relationship to where you're the girly one. Stop being a baby and let her go. The more you try to message/email her to convey your emotions, the more that re-affirms the decision she made to break up with you. *uck me men aren't men these days. I think this is true for men and women. Women (at least I) appreciate men who communicate openly about their feelings. Men, I assume, appreciate women who are open and honest. But no one enjoys a person who is demanding and needy. It's not "girlish" - it's not a gender thing - it's a maturity thing. Sorry to jump on ya, but I had to say something since as a woman I just don't like to be characterized as the gender that is needy and babyish since I work hard to be an adult! And I think men are totally awesome when they open up and reveal feelings - I know this is a great trait in a dude if you want to have a stable relationship. When people say "men aren't men", I always think, oh gad, I'd hate to go back to the days when men shut down all their feels and engaged in thousand yard stares whilst smoking a cigarette on a horse, lol.
SpecialJ Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) In my experience, there are situations in which it's OK to reach out and break NC, and situations when it's not. In your situation, it's not, because she has told you what she wants/needs, told you the consequences of not respecting that, and then followed through by deleting you from social media. More plainly, she's clearly communicated her boundaries with you so every time you reach out with no further change from her, you're disrespecting her boundaries and making her feel negative about you. A guy did this to me in the last few months, and I went from thinking we could possibly check back in and see if friendship was an option to being so thoroughly uncomfortable with his lack of respect for my boundaries that I asked him to stop contacting me completely. I didn't need to hear apologies and already knew him well enough that the reason I ended it in the first place was, you may have guessed it, inappropriate and loose boundaries, so his persistent contact during the communication break we agreed on just reinforced this. If he'd waited until after the break period and then apologized, I'd have been much more receptive. And this has nothing at all to do with gender and everything to do with one person stating his or her needs at a point in time and the other person needing to be able to respect those boundaries. The person who set the boundaries does have the "power" if the situation is healthy, and if that person asks for indefinite no contact, it should be respected until the person communicates otherwise. Anything else is going to push them further away. 2 months is really nothing. If you had as strong a connection as you think, she will likely talk to you again when she's ready. Don't wait for that or assume it's coming, but stay in NC and turn the focus on yourself instead of on her and what she's doing. Work on moving on, and then if you do speak again one day, the conversation is going to go a lot better if you've disconnected, reflected, and done some work for yourself to move forward. Good luck Edited July 1, 2018 by SpecialJ
fromheart Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 So I was dumped by my girlfriend rather abruptly to me. But looking back she had been withdrawing and checking out the previous weeks. We had a strong connection, and for the last 1/2 months personal insecurities and fears of mine would effect the relationship at times. Resulting in me looking for reassurance too often. We agreed our commitment for each other, and that with time this will pass through. We were together for 11 months. I now see I was having a more anxious attachment pattern, while she was avoidant/secure. When she dumped me she stayed to talk with me for a while and we both cried. I was told maybe in the future, we need to work on ourselves, she needs space/time. We talked briefly a couple days post and I asked her to talk, but she said she would block me if i asked again. I sent her a message 1 week and 4 weeks post to speak (stupidly), but both messages were ignored. She then went on to delete me from social media. It has been 2 months now, and I would like to send an email. Hoping she is well, apologizing for letting my issues affect the relatioship, thanking her for making me a better person. I don't want to talk as theres nothing else to say. Should I send an email like this? I am happy, but I do love her and want to try and not have regret. I am afraid that this will make things worse, or that it will push her away further. Or that without sending it she doesn't know all this. Thanks for any input. This is why you must go NC when you are dumped. If you go back to the woman, she will see you as weak and start to emotionally abuse you. NC must begin straight away, do not share a tear with a dumper. Thats what your friends are for. It might be an emotionally intimate moment for you, behind her tears she's looking to make sure she's done the right thing. Your tears are proving her right. She dumped you because she thought you were weak, you will prove her and the world wrong by walking on like a man, and not reaching out to her in anyway. This is the quickest path to healing, and will set you up for the next woman who will feel your resolve and trustworthiness. This will help a potential gf to feel safe around you, which is very important to women. A man potentially turning into a stalker, is a nightmare for women. You reaching out to her when she told you not to is showing that you have no pride, and are potentially dangerous. All it will do is justify her reasons for dumping you. It will do something to your own energy, and potential gf's will be scared off by you. Some harsh advice here, but please take it on board if you want to feel better.
fromheart Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 [quote=SpecialJ;7590651 2 months is really nothing. If you had as strong a connection as you think, she will likely talk to you again when she's ready. What I always say, If a connection was strong it wouldn't have broken in the first place. Ultimately, nothing is lost by a break up.
SpecialJ Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I don't agree with that and think maturity and timing can come into play, though that is more an exception than a rule. However, OP has a similar thread in second chances and received the same advice in both... stay NC!
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