Was I used?? Not sure whats happened.

[kendahke]

Shes 38, had a rough divorce. In my experience there is lots of women in their 30s/40s who developed insecurities from bad marriages, being cheated on and dumped by father of their children and are a bit scared of the whole dating getting close of someone thing. Of course this is all totally understandable.

 

And those are their heavy lift and no one else's. This is supposed to be dealt with and resolved BEFORE they get into a new relationship with someone totally unrelated to the source of their insecurities. When they don't, they're not coming to the new involvement as a whole person--they're fragmented and need to go get that addressed and resolved.

 

She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend if this is how she's processing things.

[Saracena]

Actually OP, given your own dating experience(s)/background etc and some of your comments, which indicate good understanding here on this thread, I reckon you will be a good stable influence on her.

 

Good luck to you both and let us know how it goes!

[Stasiman]

So I promised you all an update. Sadly didnt think it would be so soon and of this nature. Bear with me here as a lot has happened over the past week or so.

 

So she popped back up after basically ending it. She told me she missed 'chatting to me' and we started getting back into the texting/calling routine again. Everything seemed fine, plenty of the usual flirting over the phone etc.

 

 

So I asked her on date, she gave me a vague answer about sometime next week (this week) as she has a lot on her plate but is off work next week so will have plenty of time. She actually does to be fair as family member still very poorly and her work schedule in insane at the moment. So I told her to let me know when she is free next week and we can arrange something, she agreed.

 

Things carried on as normal throughout the week, calling, texting etc. She gave me some clarity as to why she ended it the week before. Her explanation was that she had a very rough week and was burnt out. This obviously isnt the whole truth but as I said Id decided to let it go and carry on as normal.

 

Fast forward to last weekend, I asked her if she wanted to get together on Sunday evening. She responded saying she couldnt for whatever reason. I then said she should let me know when she wants to meet as my diary is filling up next week. We agreed to meeting on Tuesday afternoon. I was starting to feel at this point that she had not really made much effort to lock a date in and wasnt necessarily serious about meeting. I also had a feeling she may cancel Tuesday.

 

On Monday morning she texts me saying she has double booked and cannot do tuesday now, no counteroffer of another date or anything. I told her it was no problem (although it actually was as I had to rearrange things in order to do Tuesday) and she should let me know when she is free this week. She responded saying she is unsure as her diary was filling up quickly. I responded by saying I dont feel this will work anymore as we've not seen each other for two weeks now. I wasnt angry or needy or anything and explained that I understand we both have a lot going on etc. I also explained I get bored with just texting/calling and like to actually meet.

 

She immediately replied asking me what I was doing that evening and explaining that she doesnt want to walk away from what we have. I explained I was busy (I was) but will see what I can do. Later on in the day we agreed to meet that evening with her suggesting the time we meet and that I come back to her house later on.

 

 

 

So we met up, went bowling and had a nice Italian meal. Things where great and just like how they had been before. Plenty of kissing, hugging, flirty chatter, deep conversations etc throughout the date. We then spent the night together and had amazing sex all night. I mean it when I say it really was amazing and she told me this multiple times. She was visibly enjoying herself and looked blown away by it all after many orgasms over the evening. In short, any doubt that the sex was the original problem is long gone in my mind now. Indeed the next morning she was keen to do it again a couple of times before we both had to go to work.

 

 

So, I pheraps foolishly decided over breakfast to ask what she expects of this situation we are in. She basically told me that she isnt ready to commit now but will be in the near future, that she isnt sure what she wants etc but she doesnt want to sleep with other people. She also said she is still using dating apps but isnt actually dating anyone else. She didnt say this isnt a possiblity just said that everyone she ends up speaking to online doesnt interest her. She also said she has rushed into relationships in the past and has been hurt consistently. Throughout this coversation she seemed abit uncomfortable, not in the sense of she really didnt want to talk but more in the sense of I could see she felt vulnerable just even talking about this kind of stuff.

 

I do think it was badly timed and ill judged by myself to bring it up then. I came across like I was asking for her to be my GF when all I was asking was is there a future. I generally made a bit of a mess of it and probably came across a bit needy. I explained how I dont like to date mutiple people at once and am only interested in her at this point but that I would like to see her more than once every two weeks if possible. She told me she would be upset if I slept with another girl but understand I can do that If I want. She also said If something else comes along she can understand that I would take it.

 

So this was two days ago and since then I have barely heard from her. Shes texted me the day after I stayed over saying she had a great time etc but since then have barely heard from her again. Shes clearly doing the whole distancing herself thing again and Im left confused now.

 

On the one hand she has told me she doesnt want to commit so I feel like just walking away at this point yet on the other she was telling me she doesnt want to lose what we have.

 

Its clear she likes me, I can tell by the way she looks at me, talks to me and the things she says to me. She isnt just playing me I dont think and I think she does genuinely like me but something seems to be holding her back.

 

This Isnt just a casual sex situation either as she made that clear.

 

Thoughts?? I feel like I dont want to pressure the situation but I also feel like she is getting all the benefits of a relationship with me without committing. I dont necessarily want her to commit right now but feel as If I have fell for her abit and if things carry on for another month or so I will be attached and want more.

 

I dont want to waste time and feel that she does take me for granted on some level. I have been too available and pushed for dates etc whilst she has had to make little effort really.

 

I cant understand why when I tried to walk away and nicely tell her I felt it was a waste of time she panicked and arranged a date with me that evening. A part of me wonders why she didnt arrange a date that evening anyway. I feel to some extent that she is keeping me at arms length and is happy with just the attention she gets from texting/calling. I also feel she is taking my availability for granted as she works much longer and varied hours than me so we have fitted dating in around her schedule. I did explain to her cancelling Tuesday was a pain for me as I had already moved things around to see her then. She apologised and said she didnt realise.

 

Urgh, this is awful and I feel crappy now. I feel like she has all the power and doesnt even know what she wants.

Edited July 4, 2018 by Stasiman

[MidwestUSA]

She only wants you when you're ready to walk away, so do just that.

 

Go silent, completely. No texts, nothing. You'll find out pretty quickly (or in her case, maybe two or three weeks) where she stands.

 

She sounds like an extremely indecisive flake. Yea, you probably shouldn't have pushed the 'what are we?' talk, not at that exact moment anyway, but what's done is done.

[Marc878]

So now it's not a one time thing but a pattern. Pull then push.

 

At this point she's not relationship material unless she shoes you otherwise.

 

Life's short. Playing games wastes time and energy.

 

How you liking it so far?

[smackie9]

I'm bipolar and have been in a relationship with my fiance for nearly 9 years. Never been on and off, our ups and downs have been the same as any other couple in a long term relationship. When I'm 'down' (and it's not a rollercoaster ride, nowhere near as simplistic as that term makes it sound) I still have faith in myself and my relationship...I've never felt insecure or 'paranoid' about my partner.

 

Don't tar everyone with a mental illness with the same brush. It's incredibly insulting.

My mom is bi-polar and even tho she is medicated and seeing a doctor regularly, she still has ups and downs, meanness, highs, lows you name it, And she's been divorced twice, has BFs run for the hills. This BF she is with now is what me and my husband call a saint for putting up with her unpredictability. I'm not out to insult anyone here not even YOU. You are lucky that yours isn't extreme and whatever therapy you are on works for YOU. Not everyone is so lucky. I had to deal my mom's and her mother's mental illness for decades.

[Stasiman]

She only wants you when you're ready to walk away, so do just that.

 

Go silent, completely. No texts, nothing. You'll find out pretty quickly (or in her case, maybe two or three weeks) where she stands.

 

She sounds like an extremely indecisive flake. Yea, you probably shouldn't have pushed the 'what are we?' talk, not at that exact moment anyway, but what's done is done.

 

Yes. She seemed completely indifferent about actually meeting up and gave vague answers when I asked. After disappearing the first time I expected her to try and make amends by suggesting or at least agreeing to meet up. As soon as she realised I was genuinely ready to call it a day she completely panicked and within 10 minutes was trying to arrange a date for that same day. What annoyed me was the fact that she never made such an effort in the first place, it was clear she could have indeed arranged a date for that day but just didnt feel the need to. In short I do feel that Im low down on her priority list. Dont get me wrong I understand she is busy with children, work, friends, family but It does seem that when she really wants to see me she can fit me in.

 

I do feel at this point that walking away is my only option. Im pretty sure she will keep continuing to reach out. The problem is I dont actually want to walk away at this point but do feel I have no other option. I certainly dont want to carry on a phone/text based relationship for another few weeks until she decides she wants to meet and I feel Ive already done enough of the legwork to keep it going. I also think shes had things relatively easy for her, on her terms and I have been easily available on the phone for her to chat when she is bored. Im now quite exhausted by it all.

 

Going silent would certainly force her hand and bring out her true feelings. Im willing to bet if I completely disappeared she would probably try and keep things going in some way or another. Ive not made any contact for the past two days and I was the last one to text her then. Im not really sure how to handle it if she engages (which I know she will) as I dont want to outright ignore her.

Edited July 4, 2018 by Stasiman

[Stasiman]

So now it's not a one time thing but a pattern. Pull then push.

 

At this point she's not relationship material unless she shoes you otherwise.

 

Life's short. Playing games wastes time and energy.

 

How you liking it so far?

 

Indeed indeed. I do feel she isnt really showing she is relationship material at this point and despite the fact I do have feelings for her Im starting to see that she may not even be a viable option as a girlfriend. On the other hand the sex if great and we do have fun when we meet.

 

Im not sure she is consciously playing games, I think its more to do with her own issues regarding commitment and getting close to people. I do feel though that this is far too much drama at a very early stage and that in the long run if we did get together it would be a very difficult relationship.

 

On the other hand she appears to want her cake and have it. She wants the flirty chat by texts daily, the attention and the fun we have when we meet up but doesnt want to commit to anything at all.

 

The thing is Im not even certain I do want a relationship (with anyone) at this point. I simply would like some clarity as to whether this is anything more than an occasional hook up. If thats all it is, Id distance myself and make much less effort and just see how things go.

 

Either way I think its probably best if I just stop what Ive been doing now anyway. I understand shes saying she wants to take it slow but the way shes going about it doesnt feel right. I do think Ive probably come on abit strong at times and that may have caused her to panic and back off but on the other hand Ive not outright asked her to be my girlfriend and have made it clear I understand her position.

 

I dont think shes just toying/playing games with me, I think she does have genuine feelings for me but for whatever reason is having difficulty dealing with them.

Edited July 4, 2018 by Stasiman

[Marc878]

Indeed indeed. I do feel she isnt really showing she is relationship material at this point and despite the fact I do have feelings for her Im starting to see that she may not even be a viable option as a girlfriend. On the other hand the sex if great and we do have fun when we meet.

 

Fine if you just want a casual relationship with no strings

 

Im not sure she is consciously playing games, I think its more to do with her own issues regarding commitment and getting close to people. I do feel though that this is far too much drama at a very early stage and that in the long run if we did get together it would be a very difficult relationship.

 

She is who she is. Don't expect change.

 

On the other hand she appears to want her cake and have it. She wants the flirty chat by texts daily, the attention and the fun we have when we meet up but doesnt want to commit to anything at all.

 

If that's all there is then you take it or leave it

 

The thing is Im not even certain I do want a relationship (with anyone) at this point. I simply would like some clarity as to whether this is anything more than an occasional hook up. If thats all it is, Id distance myself and make much less effort and just see how things go.

 

She's shown you and told you what you need to know. Why not believe her?

 

Either way I think its probably best if I just stop what Ive been doing now anyway. I understand shes saying she wants to take it slow but the way shes going about it doesnt feel right. I do think Ive probably come on abit strong at times and that may have caused her to panic and back off but on the other hand Ive not outright asked her to be my girlfriend and have made it clear I understand her position.

 

There's an old saying "if you chase they move farther away".

I dont think shes just toying/playing games with me, I think she does have genuine feelings for me but for whatever reason is having difficulty dealing with them.

 

Life is short. Don't spend a lot of time wasting it. If she was in you'd know it.

 

I see a lot hoping they'll "get it". Then much later find out they are the ones who didn't "get it". It may very well be that's who she is.

Edited July 4, 2018 by Marc878

[Saracena]

As have been suggested already, you should pull WAAAAAY back at this point. Don't contact her again. Slowly fade out. See what happens. Good thing is you sound well able to handle the situation whatever transpires.

 

Sorry things have turned out this way........def sounds to me there's something she's not sure about that's preventing her from committing to you.

[d0nnivain]

With all this new info, just fade away. If she reaches out with definitive plans & you are up for a good time with zero expectations & you have nothing else to do on that night, fine go see her but she's way too all over the place. Until she figures out what she wants other than to treat you like some kind of yo-yo, put no stock in her whatsoever.

[lurker74]

I was going to say this before the update but the update just makes it more clear. End the relationship. This push-pull dynamic is incredibly common and in a long-term, committed relationship, you can work on making things work. But this early on, it isn't worth the trouble. It will be a terrible relationship that leaves you reeling.

 

I would not ghost her. I would just tell her that it's not working out and say goodbye but whatever you do, end it. The positive side of the relationship there is just to pull you in before the inevitable push comes.

[Stasiman]

So this will be my final update. Just wanted to say thanks to you all for your insight and advice. It really helped keep me grounded in a fairly messy situation. Much appreciated.

 

 

So since my last update I have backed right away. After a week of no contact (immediately after we had sex last as mentioned in my previous update) she texted me last weekend. Conversation was minimal and she seemed distant and uninterested, I made a bit of effort to reply trying to engage and be normal but it just seemed a waste of time. So I decided to delete her number and completely forget about her. Heard nothing from her since then and dont expect to. Started looking at dating again myself and feel much better about things now.

 

Now the dust has settled and Ive had some time to myself Ive come to the conclusion that she had some serious issues going on (as others have mentioned here). I also think it was very crappy the way she treated me. She essentially led me on telling me how great I was, sleeping with me and she didnt want to give up on 'us' etc etc. I do feel that after the first time she went cold (straight after the first time we had sex) she should have not bothered coming back after ending it as if she was that unsure it was very cruel to reengage and lead me right back round full circle again.

 

 

All in all though I dont think she actually meant to treat me the way she did. It was clear she liked me but had something holding her back. My money is on issues with insecurity and fear of being hurt, after all she did actually verbalise this telling me outright she needs to take it slow and has been hurt before. The most telling thing that leads me to believe this was that every time we got close (sex) she almost immediately backed away and went into a sort of panic.

 

Regardless of her own issues I do think she handled it very poorly and caused a lot of unnecessary emotional uncertainty for me. She held what could have been a decent relationship to ransom to her own fears and insecurities and basically blew her chances with a decent bloke who would have treated her right. I get people want to take it slow but she zoomed in, backed off, zoomed in, backed off and didnt seem to be able to find a balance which would have worked. I dont think she really should be even considering getting close to someone as she clearly has things she needs to work through first. It was a shame as we had great chemistry and got on like a house on fire, I think this may have been part of the problem as she generally seemed overwhelmed by it all.

 

I feel a bit silly for getting attached to someone quickly and opening up so early whilst missing some very early red flags (her showing huge insecurities). Ive also learnt I certainly cannot do the whole casual sex thing, once Im sleeping with someone more than a one night stand I find it difficult to want anyone else. Live and learn.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Stasiman

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks for the final report. It's great to come back and hear how things turned out and to see how my perspective was or was not accurate.

 

I'll be immodest here: I was right. She boasted about her insecurities early on ... and I've learned the hard, hard painful way that it's best to believe people when they tell you they are insecure.

 

And best to avoid the hero fantasy that good treatment from us will magically alleviate the insecurities.

 

Her behavior the morning afterwards was bizarre and off-putting. I've dated some insecure people in my life and her morning-after reaction was way way out there.

 

Good luck, brother.