Was I used?? Not sure whats happened.

[BaileyB]

That has always been my go to after having sex for the first time.. next day they get a bunch of flowers.. There isn't a woman alive who after having sex with a new guy wouldn't want to hear/feel that the night before was special....

 

This was also my thought. She was asking for reassurance. And, while you can't reassure a truly insecure person... for a woman who likes a man, it is important that she feel safe and appreciated after having sex that first time. It's important to go the extra mile so that she knows, you are still interested and all is good.

 

That said, if this kind of behavior continues... I would not chase her. I have no patience for those kind of games. Either, she is in or she is not. Good luck.

Edited June 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Stasiman]

This was also my thought. She was asking for reassurance. And, while you can't reassure a truly insecure person... for a woman who likes a man, it is important that she feel safe and appreciated after having sex that first time. It's important to go the extra mile so that she knows, you are still interested and all is good.

 

That said, if this kind of behavior continues... I would not chase her. I have no patience for those kind of games. Either, she is in or she is not. Good luck.

 

I do feel to some extent my nonchalance the next morning (day) didnt help the situation. I was a bit taken aback by her frosty attitude the next morning so wasnt sure what was going on. I mean she even told me directly the next day that she was worried Id gone off her! After the phonecall we had that evening I was confident any assurances needed had been given as it was our usual chatty, flirty, laughing chat. I told her of course I hadnt gone off her and that I thought she was great and want to see her again.

 

Im quite bemused and upset to be honest. Sure I realise this is just the dating game but after making a genuine connection with someone, being told how much she liked me, plans for the future and generally things going better than expected I cant understand how suddenly I can be dropped so coldly and quickly. Literally 36 hours after we slept together she was pulling away. Given we had a short but intense connection it feels kinda harsh and a part of me does think I have been treated rather unfairly. If the shoe was on the other foot there would be no doubt in my mind her girl friends would be telling her Im a player and not worth it.

 

I do think the stuff that happened in regard to her poorly family member and her stresses at work didnt help. But on the whole Im left feeling like Ive been led on. I mean a mere week ago she was even telling me she missed me and feels like she has known me for longer than she has.

 

For what its worth in my experience when someone is unsure about a potential love interest they dont tend to come on so strong. In the past when Ive dated women I wasnt sure about (sex or no sex) Ive certainly not vocally told them I can see a future for us together or talked about introducing them to my family, etc etc.

 

She quite literally went from telling me she really likes me and coming on strong to freezing me out withing two days. Surely even if I had done something that may have put her off she would at least give me the benefit of the doubt if she liked me as much as she claimed to. Im confident I did nothing wrong at all quite the opposite.

 

A part of me does want to vocalise all this to her but I dont think that would be the best course of action. I feel that I attempted to keep things going when she was giving me very little and for my own self esteem dont think I should be chasing anymore.

 

It does seem that there may be more going on with her than meets the eye but Im left now feeling vulnerable after opening up to someone with honest intentions and being dropped quickly. Id be lying to myself If I said I wasnt hoping she will reach out over the coming days (its been just over a day since she told me she doesnt want to take it further) but I feel like waiting around is pointless and not good for me as Im already rather upset and stressed over it all.

 

On the other hand I dont feel that I should reach out to her (at least so soon) as felt I did plenty of that last week whilst she was freezing me out with one word responses. To an impartial observer it could seem that something huge has happened and Id done something terrible to turn her off the way she behaved up until now. Im certain the sex was good, literally nothing bad has happened but the way she has treated me you'd think something disasterous had occured. Whatever her reasons I think shes handled the situation really badly.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[Stasiman]

Not gonna happen. She's playing the "chase me" game. She wants you to prove that you like her. She's saying she's not ready because she is trying to save face & convince herself that you didn't dump her.

 

Isnt it a bit late for that. Id done plenty of chasing between dates and at the start. Surely I wouldnt have gone on 5 dates with her and slept with her if I didnt like her? I kinda feel like I dont really know what else I can do and anything else would be overkill at this point.

 

Its worth mentioning that there was a period in which she pulled away a few weeks ago (was only for a brief period and I didnt react or anything) and I wasnt sure what was going on then but things got back on track quickly enough.

 

Also she does do this thing by and which she'll ignore my texts if I ask her a question (e.g. hows your day going?) then reply 5 hours later calling me a 'stranger' for not texting even though it was her turn.

 

Come to think of it there has been a few obvious cases of her behaving rather oddly and pulling back just a tad. One Friday night I messaged her (we where in the flow of conversation) asking something about what we where talking about. She didnt reply and just vanished. I obviously thought nothing of it and dont expect people to get back to me in any hurry etc. But 24 hours passed and I eventually broke the ice by messaging to which I was met with a 'hello stranger' message which seemed odd given it was her turn so to speak.

 

Also there was one occasion when she had been out with her girlfriends on the town and she sent me a picture of her dancing with some dude quite closely and suggestively (it wasnt a friend). Obviously Im not the jealous type so didnt think anything of it and made a joke out of it all. Maybe this was an attempt to make me jealous who knows, did wonder why she sent me that pic as some men would have gone crazy over that.

 

Maybe Im just reading too much into things because Im upset but the more I think about it the more I think she certainly did things that made it clear she wanted me to pursue her more and make her feel I was desperate to be with her.

 

The problem may be (at least for her) is that Im an old hand at the dating game and generally know what Im doing and is fairly confident and laid back. If she wanted some dude to completely fawn all over her and go crazy its not really the way I work, however I certainly made the effort to make her feel special to me. Indeed more so than I usually would at this stage of dating as I felt we had such great chemistry and it was going somewhere. We had many great, romantic dates and I certainly let her know how I felt about her and how great I thought she was.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, those are called signs.

 

Great that you're getting your brain to call up those odd little moments.

 

The thing is man, when we're into them, it numbs the critical part of our brain ... but that's the part that needs to be alive and functioning ... not to replace the optimism ... but to challenge the optimism to make sure it is grounded in reality.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me she could be bi-polar. She was on a high, then her brain switches to feeling inadequate , things in her life going down hill, paranoid about being replaced...that dark dark place they go to. Total shut down. You don't need that roller coaster ride. Those are the kind of people have off and on relationships with too many ups and downs. Run for the hills!

[d0nnivain]

No it's just round 2. First you had to "chase" her to get her into bed. Now that you have had sex, she needs a bit more chasing. Since there have been missteps, I genuinely believe that flowers are the answer.

[Stasiman]

Dude, those are called signs.

 

Great that you're getting your brain to call up those odd little moments.

 

The thing is man, when we're into them, it numbs the critical part of our brain ... but that's the part that needs to be alive and functioning ... not to replace the optimism ... but to challenge the optimism to make sure it is grounded in reality.

 

 

Im beginning to think your right. The more I think about it the more I can piece together plenty of signs that something was not quite right. Im not just saying this in order to make myself feel better either, there was certainly things going on that just didnt quite seem right.

 

She'd often drop off completely in the middle of texting conversations, with me being the last to text, then dissapear for 12-24 hours before Id break the ice. Then she would act like I had been ignoring her and project onto me that I somehow had distanced myself when the reality was she had been the one who had vanished (numerous times she verbalised this by saying things like 'I was worried you had gone off me' despite the fact it was actually me who should be thinking that).

 

Also she came seemed to generally switch between coming on very strong and then going ice cold for a period.

 

She also overshared things about her traumatic past very early on (date 1), I assumed this was because she was open and honest but it does seem a little off that she would share such things early on when we where nowhere near that level of communication yet.

 

She mentioned numerous times that she had been mistreated and walked all over in the past but Im kinda thinking this feels a bit ironic now given she has essentially mistreated me on some level by coming on very strong then dropping me very quickly for no apparent reason.

 

I suppose the bottom line is she came on strong then quickly distanced herself for no apparent reason. I did find myself at times thinking this feels to good to be true.

 

It is possible as others have mentioned here that the sex put her off but I genuinely think this wasnt the case. We where certainly not sexually incompatible and even if the sex wasnt so great (it actually was quite good) given the way she was very hot and coming on strong the night I stayed over I would expect that if her feelings for me where genuine a one night of sex wont have really changed that. I would expect she would at the very least give it another chance if she liked me as much as she claimed to.

 

All in all, it appears she was very confused and seemed to be all over the place. Starting to feel like It may be for the best I dont see her again.

 

Ive not intention of contacting her again and not sure I want anything to do with her now. But I bet she gets back in touch with me sooner rather than later.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[Stasiman]

No it's just round 2. First you had to "chase" her to get her into bed. Now that you have had sex, she needs a bit more chasing. Since there have been missteps, I genuinely believe that flowers are the answer.

 

I suspect you are probably right. However Im starting to feel like maybe I dont really want a woman who can behave in such as unstable manner and drop me so easily for no real reason. All in all I feel I didnt really do anything wrong, sure there was a few misteps but nothing warranting her reaction and I feel if she was as keen on me as she said she would have given me the benefit of the doubt. It does seem at this very early stage she is displaying lots of traits of emotional instability and Im not sure she may be good relationship material anymore.

 

It does feel all a bit melodramatic from her part. I could understand if something disasterous had happened but it really hadnt. I do feel that she may have dropped me in the anticipation that I will chase her in order for her to quell her own insecurity/need issues. It certainly would be true to some of the form she has shown throughout.

 

Im starting to feel that anything other than an explanation or apology for her behaviour wont be enough for me to want to be with her anymore. I barely put a foot wrong and was genuine throughout whilst she seems to be the one that was bringing problems and issues to the table at the very early stage. I dont want to be with a woman who can go from being totally crazy for you and talking about the future with you to ice cold within 24 hours. I feel I deserve better than that.

 

I guess I will never know what really happened but I do feel now that maybe its for the best that its finished now. If she is behaving like this at this very early stage how would it be in 6 months?

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[mortensorchid]

She changed on you after you had sex. Fact. It may have been bad for her and she didn't want to face this possibility of having bad sex with you from now on. And … I think she's just done with you and it. Sorry.

 

But hey, it was only 6-8 weeks long you were with her, just move on.

[Stasiman]

She changed on you after you had sex. Fact. It may have been bad for her and she didn't want to face this possibility of having bad sex with you from now on. And … I think she's just done with you and it. Sorry.

 

But hey, it was only 6-8 weeks long you were with her, just move on.

 

This is indeed a fact and I would normally agree. But it seems strange the way she behaved the next day, she outright told me she was 'worried she had scared me off' the next evening and seemed to be showing lots of insecurities the next day. If she felt the sex wasnt good for her thats fine but I dont understand why she would act in a weird insecure way the next day and ask me about whether 'it was ok'. Just seems a bit amiss. Surely if she wasnt feeling the sex she would make her excuses and start to distance herself, not tell me she was worried id been scared off and ask me repeatedly if it lastnight was ok. The way she was asking me wasnt like 'was it ok for you? it wasnt for me' or whatever it was more sort of in the sense of her not being sure if I was good enough for me. The actual words where 'was it ok?'.

 

She certainly didnt seem to think the sex was bad on the night and commented after it was good. It was pretty wild and lasted for quite a long time. I understand she may have just been saying what she thought I wanted to hear however. Im not daft enough to hide behind my male ego to assume that Its not possible it wasnt the experience she wanted, indeed Im perfectly aware its possible the initial awkwardness of half drunken sex with someone for the first time can be off putting. Also that she may have just felt we where sexually incompatible which again is fair enough. But something just feels a miss.

 

Based upon what she said the next day and how she acted it almost feels that she feels she possibly didnt perform well. I clicked onto this and made sure I mentioned I thought it was great even after she asked me twice later on in the day.

 

Of course she could have been thinking it was rubbish all along and was trying to gauge how I felt it was in order to go down the its not going to work route.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[Adiron]

Everything was going great for 5 dates.

 

 

 

After the sex, things went sour.

 

 

You didn't do it for her in bed, that's all there is to it.

 

 

Work on your technique for the next one.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sorry about the long post, cant make sense of this and feel as if I have been used. Met a girl on Match 6 weeks ago. Had 5 great dates, plenty of laughing flirting and general good fun. The chemistry was really flowing, Id even go as far as to say they where some of the best dates I have ever had (Im 43 and had plenty of dates in my time). Between dates we texted every day, not a huge amount as both have very busy lives with work/family etc but we kept steadily in contact with text and calls.

 

Date 5 went really well, she told me how much she really liked me and was considering introducing me to her 3 children, asking if I would like to go away with her next month, talking about general plans for the future, told me she had spoken to her friends about me etc. By this point we where clearly getting on incredibly and sparks where flying, she confessed she had not been chatting/dating anyone else since our first date, I confessed the same. Ive had enough girlfriends and been on enough dates to confidently say it was real, It wasnt a case wishful thinking on my part.

 

After date 5 she invited me to hers for coffee, we ended up having sex. The sex was great, very passionate and steamy. She commented how great it was as was hugged and kissed afterwards. So I stayed over but then the next morning things seemed to have changed. She seemed distant and slightly frosty, we hugged but no sex or kissing. She was stressed about work later and was already checking her work emails as we ate breakfast. Conversation was fine but she just seemed slightly off. We had a kiss before parting ways.

 

So the next day I was really busy in work as a huge project Im dealing with ran into problems. I texted her around lunchtime saying I had a great night last night etc. She replied so did she and asked me if the sex was good for me. I replied it was great etc. Fast forward to the evening and she sent me a message saying she was worried Id been scared off because I hadnt been as chatty as usual, this was a bit odd as she hadnt really engaged much by text either and it was no less than usual. I replied of course I hadnt gone off her and how Id just been really busy etc etc. She also asked me again if the sex was good for me, I replied again saying yes.

 

 

Later on that evening we had a phone chat (she called me) and it seemed all good, plenty of laughing etc etc. By this point no plans had been made for another date, we both work long random hours so our dates had generally been planned with very short notice. Anyway as I was getting into bed that evening I had a message alert from Match, I logged in (simply to delete some notifications as by this point I wasnt even remotely interested in anyone but her) and noticed she was online! Now dont get me wrong I have no problem with this as no commitment had been made between us so no issue with dating others at this time. It did feel a little odd though combined with her frosty behaviour that morning.

 

Anyway the next day I texted her on my lunch and she told me how she had some bad news in relation to a family member being poorly (not terminally but quite sick). I responded with a nice supportive message. Didnt hear back from her until very late on that evening with a short message saying she had a terrible day and work was very stressfull too.

 

Over the next 4 days I attempted to text as usual but was careful as she was obviously having a rough few days. I was nice, supportive and tried to cheer her up, Her responses where cold and distant. I stoppped messaging after 2 days as it seemed she wasnt right.

 

I then sent a last message after 4 days asking if she wanted to meet, she replied with a long text basically saying she likes me but feels as if her life has spiralled out of control with work and family and felt as if this week had been the worst week of her life. She basically said she was sorry but didnt feel she was ready for a relationship. I replied with a nice message saying I understood and I hope everything works out ok for her.

 

Since then Ive not contacted her, shes not contacted me but Ive noticed she has been back on Match.com! What the hell has happened? Of course I understand she does have some very difficult stuff going on in her life at the moment (she was constantly stressed about work when I was getting to know her) but I somehow feel there is more to this than meets the eye. The fact she went cold and distant almost immediately after sex and that she is still using Match has left me rather confused.

 

Worth pointing out she showed quite a lot of insecurity issues throughout the short time I knew her, she had been cheated on in her previous marriage and showed quite a few signs she had low self esteem and confidence. At one point she even verbalised that she thought I was out of her league.

 

Well, what you all think??? Have I just been used to make her feel better??? Has she gotten scared as we got closer together?? As far as I can tell I did nothing wrong and she just seemed to shut down pretty much after we had sex. I understand she has a lot going on in her life and respected that but its not as if we where committed and seeing each other a lot (our dates where once a week). Also the issues seemed to arise before her week got rough e.g. the next day after I stayed she was cold.

 

Ive got a weird feeling she may well pop back up in the near future but dont want to wait around and not going to make any attempt to contact her at all.

 

Classic way of breaking it off w/out looking bad. This is the same as it's me, not you type of thing. Leave her be and find someone who wants to be w/you. Anytime a guy said this to me, it was always because he didn't want to be w/me. She was all for a relationship, so something changed. Its not fair to put you through that. If you aren't ready to date, don't. When I broke up w/my ex, I was devastated, I didn't get back into the dating scene until months later because I truly wasn't ready. Rejection is difficult, but be honest w/the person. I wouldn't trust her not pull the same stunt on you.

Edited June 25, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[Mittens]

Sounds to me she could be bi-polar. She was on a high, then her brain switches to feeling inadequate , things in her life going down hill, paranoid about being replaced...that dark dark place they go to. Total shut down. You don't need that roller coaster ride. Those are the kind of people have off and on relationships with too many ups and downs. Run for the hills!

 

I'm bipolar and have been in a relationship with my fiance for nearly 9 years. Never been on and off, our ups and downs have been the same as any other couple in a long term relationship. When I'm 'down' (and it's not a rollercoaster ride, nowhere near as simplistic as that term makes it sound) I still have faith in myself and my relationship...I've never felt insecure or 'paranoid' about my partner.

 

Don't tar everyone with a mental illness with the same brush. It's incredibly insulting.

[Adiron]

Don't tar everyone with a mental illness with the same brush. It's incredibly insulting.

 

 

You're incredibly insulted because some random internet poster suggested somebody else who is exhibiting signs of manic depression is bipolar?

 

 

That's on you, not them.

[Mittens]

No, I'm insulted by the suggestion that people with bipolar are bad to have relationships with and that he should 'run for the hills'.

[d0nnivain]

Ive not intention of contacting her again and not sure I want anything to do with her now. But I bet she gets back in touch with me sooner rather than later.

 

See now you are engaging in the age old power struggling & you're keeping score. That is a lousy way to run a relationship & a great way to ruin one.

 

If you send flowers & reach out one more time one of 2 things will happen:

 

1. She will continue to ignore you in which case you know this is over & you can move on with a clean break. You will never have to wonder "what if" because you will know. To me that level of clarity has value.

 

2. She will be fine & you can proceed to enjoy your relationship.

 

 

I'm telling you, whether you like it or not, she's over there wondering what happened & why you were less attentive the day after sex. You told us it was work but she doesn't know that. You two seeing each other OL also made both of you even more insecure about this.

 

Take the risk. You will get definitive answers. It's so much better then fading away / ghosting.

[Stasiman]

Well she reached out, suspected she would. Took about 4 days.

 

She texted me than rang me on her lunch break. She apologised (numerous times by text and on the phone) and told me she was having a rough week last week and felt overwhelmed with her job and family illness.

 

We chatted for 30 mins, I let her know (not in a angry or resentful way) that I felt she had called it quits etc (as she had). She was being all flirty an trying to get things back on track, saying she really likes me and has missed me etc. I was relatively cool and accepted her apology.

 

I told her we should meet up soon, she said she is off all weekend so will let me know.

 

I feel her apology was good enough and respect she has made moves to try and sort things out.

 

The problem is Im not sure how I feel about her anymore (genuinely). Im very suspicious of a person who can go from red hot to ice cold so quickly then pop back up again so soon and Im skeptical that getting involved with a person with clear issues isnt a good move (been there done that).

 

I do think this was all about her insecurities after sleeping with me and was to some extent playing games expecting me to chase her. On the one hand she was saying she liked me all along but on the other made a clear choice to call it a day and has taken a risk she may never see me again.

 

On the other hand it It was good of her to apologise and explain the situation and she clearly has made an effort.

 

Im suspicious though that she may just miss the attention from me and didnt like that I cut her off/didnt chase. I feel she should probably be setting a meet now for things to move forward (something I had to suggest). I quickly becoming ambivalent about this situation and dont actually feel like speaking to her at the moment.

 

An 'I need to see you now or ASAP' would be enough for me but not sure if I am asking too much. I also think she is cleary inexperienced and abit naive about the whole dating game and may have just made a genuine mistake in which case I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Edited June 26, 2018 by Stasiman

[d0nnivain]

I think it's just a miss communication. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She probably also doesn't want to come off as needy / psycho by dumping all her problems / issues on the new guy.

[JuneL]

I used to be insecure and a bit like her in my 20s. It can be cute and endearing when you’re very young and the guy really likes you. But she’s already a mother of 3 (how old is she, btw?), and is too old for that, to be honest.

[coolheadal]

Sex for you was is good? This is your answer yes, but again she might be kinky type of woman. Casual type. Well chalk this one up as a mystery...

[Saracena]

I think it's just a miss communication. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She probably also doesn't want to come off as needy / psycho by dumping all her problems / issues on the new guy.

 

Yes, and of course she was overwhelmed by all these issues as well which to an extent 'clouded' her judgement.

 

Having read the OP again, I'm also wondering if what she meant when she 'was afraid she'd scared you off' might have been due to a fear you may no longer be interested now you've had sex. Of course we don't know but perhaps she's experienced this in the past combined with the fact your attention next day had been devoted to your work project. Just got her thinking......along the wrong lines! Until she had time to think about things more rationally and calmly hence the renewed contact....

[Saracena]

. It But she’s already a mother of 3 (how old is she, btw?), and is too old for that, to be honest.

 

In a way, yes. On the other hand, she sounds like an inexperienced dater!

[Stasiman]

I think it's just a miss communication. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She probably also doesn't want to come off as needy / psycho by dumping all her problems / issues on the new guy.

 

Yeah thats probably the best way to go. I figure she clearly has shown shes still interested and has put enough effort in to 'fix things'.

 

Given the many different perspectives (on this thread alone) ranging from 'it was the sex' to 'its about her insecurities' its safe to assume it was a miscommunication.

 

Think she basically freaked out and had a bit of a panic before things calmed down and she reached out.

[Stasiman]

I used to be insecure and a bit like her in my 20s. It can be cute and endearing when you’re very young and the guy really likes you. But she’s already a mother of 3 (how old is she, btw?), and is too old for that, to be honest.

 

 

Shes 38, had a rough divorce. In my experience there is lots of women in their 30s/40s who developed insecurities from bad marriages, being cheated on and dumped by father of their children and are a bit scared of the whole dating getting close of someone thing. Of course this is all totally understandable.

[Stasiman]

Anyway, Ive decided Im going to just forget about what happened and just carry on with her as normal. We did have some great chemistry and up until her panic things seemed to be going very well. Seems a shame for me to back away or be different with her given we had something pretty good to start (something she now realises).

 

Thanks for all the excellent advice and opinions folks.

 

Will post again in the near future and let you all know how it is going / if it still is.

 

As a side observation, as I mentioned here all along I did have a gut feeling that she would pop up again and that this wasnt over. Guess its true what they say about intuition hey.