SO FRUSTRATED and need guidance..... :(

[Tennisguy]

Hey everybody,

So, recently I was talking to a girl on a dating app for about three months. Everything was going well, and we were texting a lot, and she initiated in asking for my phone number, saying we should talk on the phone sometime, and called me first, and we had two voice calls and a video call as well on WhatsApp. We had deep conversations on text and the calls. Towards the end of the second voice call though she asked out of the blue, if I'd want to do a quick video call that would be around 4 minutes? I told her that I wasn't ready to do one at that time (because I wasn't) and would it be OK, if we did it another time? She agreed but seemed to be a bit pushy saying "can I ask why?" and "are you shy?", which I found a bit odd?

 

 

At the end of the call, I asked, when she'd be next available and she said she'd would have to get back to me, and she's going to be at another engagement, doesn't know when the usual blah blah blah blah..... so from that point on she wouldn't respond to texts or answer calls and would never give a time she's available if she responded and basically ghosted me until, I decided to video call her basically a month after the first video call. She even declined one of my calls twice and said she couldn't talk because she's at dinner? She never responded to the text though from me, asking when she'd be available? I thought she was upset for a really dumb reason (because she sounded that way and disappointed in her voice) like not doing that video call out of the blue, which I texted her to schedule a time to do it another time. I didn't expect her to pick up but she did, while driving?!?! It went well, and she needed to go help her mother fix dinner after arriving home, so she had to end it after around 40 minutes. She seemed really empathetic and kind, and I did mention I was going through tough times and what specific issues those were towards the end of the call. She listened intently and did offer concern and comfort.....

 

 

She told me that she also didn't know again, when she'd be available and didn't want to promise anything and then not be able to hold herself to that. So, SAAAMMMMMEEEEEE thing happens again for almost a month with her ignoring calls and texts. Until finally I texted "???" in the early evening and the following early morning she wrote "Hi "blank," I really appreciate your gestures in trying to keep in touch. However, I don’t see this moving further. I hope you understand." I was shocked that she decided to do this over text and not at least a phone call, which I believe I deserve at the very least?

 

 

I did not respond to that, and this has been a little over a week now. I don't think I should respond, since she showed such a lack of caring for my feelings, and she doesn't deserve my response, since she didn't even call me to say that. I have a REALLY BAD memory of a girl basically breaking things off with me by text, and it was REALLY painful for me, so I just don't want to go down the same road again, and I believe a girl like this doesn't deserve a second more of my time, and I believe she deserves to be ghosted, just like she did to me. It's really a shame because I REALLY liked this girl, and I thought this was going to somewhere, and it's the best match I've had so far on this app, and I've been using this app for more than a year now (I know not to put too much stock into apps, but this is one of the more serious ones that is geared towards long-term/marriage.)

 

 

I was on guard from the beginning though because I have the unfortunate luck of attracting women that like to play with my heart and soul. She lives in the Toronto suburbs, and I live in the US, so I know the distance thing wouldn't be easy. She knew that from the beginning though I thought this one may be different, but after the weird behavior she exhibited then I had my doubts, and now I have come to the realization and strongly believe that I was just played around with by her and that this was just a big game for her. It boggles my mind, and I have read a lot of psychology to understand everything that happens to me because I've had similar situations like this happen to me from basically EVERY girl that I've been seriously interested in which has been a few. I don't play games, and I'm always serious in these matters.

 

 

So, my question is..... what should I do from here? Should I try to get in contact or just leave it all up to her? This experience has REALLY hurt me and has made me INCREDIBLY sad..... Thank you all for your advice, insight, and assistance..... it is greatly appreciated!!!!!

Edited June 23, 2018 by Tennisguy

[smackie9]

First off stay away from long distance. Secondly, bro ya got to have confidence. You can't keep being this upset, and sensitive "you don't care about me" crap.

 

 

 

You waited too long to ask her for a date...she had to do it. Then you turned her down for vid chat....any guy would jump at it, even ask for it the day they started talking to her.

 

 

You can't hide anymore. You need to break out of that shell. AND btw she wasn't playing games...but it sure as hell looked like you were in her eyes.

 

 

Your behavior is very telling as to why this keeps happening.

Edited June 23, 2018 by smackie9

[Tennisguy]

Forgot to mention that I felt a bit anxious and didn't feel like I was looking my best, so that's why I didn't want to to do that unscheduled video call that she wanted to do out of the blue. I really don't like doing unscheduled things and things that come out of the blue. She also never picked up/responded, when I wanted to do multiple video calls, after we finally had our first video call.....

Edited June 23, 2018 by Tennisguy

[warp123]

Forgot to mention that I felt a bit anxious and didn't feel like I was looking my best, so that's why I didn't want to to do that unscheduled video call that she wanted to do out of the blue. I really don't like doing unscheduled things and things that come out of the blue. She also never picked up/responded, when I wanted to do multiple video calls, after we finally had our first video call.....

 

Why are you torturing yourself over a woman that is away from you and with no previous or future plans of moving to your area?

[preraph]

If all you needed to do was shave and comb your hair, you could have told her you'd call her back in 10 minutes. She asked if you were shy because there's a glut of shy guys out there who only want to talk and fall in love but never do anything about it except carry on an imaginary relationship, especially long-distance.

[Lotsgoingon]

The turning point as you describe things is the moment you declined to do the video call for the final 4 minutes of your talk. She reacted quite strongly to your decline of her suggestion.

 

Might be she wanted to flirt with you on camera ... or she wanted you to see her in a sexy outfit ... might be she really wanted to look at you ... Whatever, that was a momentum killer ...

 

But to back ... you guys talked over three months ... I have rarely--I mean rarely--gotten out of the friendzone if something didn't happen in three months ... I mean I've dated women who I ran into at moment A ... found them interesting ... then later ran into them three months later ... and then connected with them, felt some energy and asked them out.

 

Long-distance talk can be a bit different, I suppose ... But depends on the energy of the phone calls ... So you might have been in the friendzone all along ...

 

She also declined calls from you ... and broke off texting you. Those were early signs--loud signs--that she wasn't that interested in you.

 

And I have to tell you this: we're in a new age ... people break things off in texts and emails these days ... Widespread ... Companies offer jobs via texts and emails, etc ... She does not owe you a phone conversation.

 

I'd reverse things and say what you owe yourself is to leave her alone once she broke off conversation with you. That's a sign.

 

People who are interested in us ... don't disappear suddenly.

[Thor of Love]

If she doesn't get along with you, it means she doesn't care about you anymore, she probably found someone else. When a girl wants you then she doesn't avoid you, so at this point, you should stop pushing because there is nothing to gain, you lost this battle, you should search for another girl.

[Grey40]

This girl never saw you as more than a Skype/internet friend. As soon as you mentioned getting together she realized she had to stop talking to you. This is why you don’t talk to Girl for a long time before meeting up. You just wasted an entire 3 months of your dating life focused on one person who couldn’t even take time to meet up with you. What the hell is the point in having a relationship with someone with absolutely 0 physical contact? It’s retarded.

[smackie9]

Forgot to mention that I felt a bit anxious and didn't feel like I was looking my best, so that's why I didn't want to to do that unscheduled video call that she wanted to do out of the blue. I really don't like doing unscheduled things and things that come out of the blue. She also never picked up/responded, when I wanted to do multiple video calls, after we finally had our first video call.....

Step 1- be spontaneous. This is what girls like. Always be up for whatever they throw at you. Look your best? You are not attending church. A rebellious/dare devil guy wouldn't care. Be that guy. That says confident. Stop being a nervous nelly.

Edited June 23, 2018 by smackie9

[mortensorchid]

Honey, the first sentence or two was full of red flags and you didn't see it. There are rules to how things do and do not function with OLD, and these are ones that were broken:

 

1) The length of the chat time - Once you connect with someone, if one party has not offered a phone number or asked to meet the other within about 4-7 instances of communication (for lack of a better word I will call them emails as you are sharing some basic factual information about yourself), just assume "Next!" and move on. This person sees this as a chat relationship only. I've known people who have been chatting with others for weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time who meet on dating websites and they never meet.

 

2) Long distance - This was a LDR. There are other issues at work with a LDR which is in real life, but if you are in an LDR which was created online, do you really think this is where you need to be? That is beyond hopeless that you and this person are going to have an actual relationship, let alone meet face to face, let alone have any contact beyond texting / writing emails to each other. Because it's a chat relationship and it's not going to go anywhere. I have two examples from my experience what this is like - many years ago I was on eHarmony (for the first time, the second would be my last) and connected with a guy in Michigan. This was just how the cards fell, I wasn't trying to meet someone outside my city let alone in another state. We talked on the phone a few times (this was before video calls or texting option). He asked me if I ever came to Michigan, I said "once in a while"; I asked if ever came to Northeast Ohio, he said "never". And that was the last we spoke. He's an okay guy from what I remember, I have no other reason to think otherwise, but one day never heard a word again. The second time was shaddier but will get to that next.

 

 

3) Video shyness - If you are going to have a video call with someone, designate a time so that both are ready for it. Otherwise something's not right if they resist it so much. Another time I was on a website and some guy (who lived in another state) asked if we could meet. I said I would like to have a phone call at first, he said he wanted to come to my state to meet me. I said let's do Skype then, he said he would not have his laptop and his sister was coming in for a visit soon but he would be available to come to my city any time I wished. I have no idea what those excuses meant, I never talked to him again.

 

 

Remember with OLD (as well as with people in general) that if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you choose to ignore it, it will always linger and cause a problem. Go with how you feel inside, it's telling you something and you need to listen.

[Tennisguy]

First off stay away from long distance. Secondly, bro ya got to have confidence. You can't keep being this upset, and sensitive "you don't care about me" crap.

 

 

 

You waited too long to ask her for a date...she had to do it. Then you turned her down for vid chat....any guy would jump at it, even ask for it the day they started talking to her.

 

 

You can't hide anymore. You need to break out of that shell. AND btw she wasn't playing games...but it sure as hell looked like you were in her eyes.

 

 

Your behavior is very telling as to why this keeps happening.

 

Well, I'm just a REALLY sensitive guy by nature, and it will always be that way, but I've learned how to manage that better. Well, wasn't her ghosting me/lack of communication for a month and weeks after that rude, immature, and poor behavior on her part? Also, isn't making such a big deal about the video call issue a bad sign for the future, if that's really what she thought about it and a sign of pettiness and immaturity?

 

Step 1- be spontaneous. This is what girls like. Always be up for whatever they throw at you. Look your best? You are not attending church. A rebellious/dare devil guy wouldn't care. Be that guy. That says confident. Stop being a nervous nelly.

 

Alright, understood and point taken. I will do my best to follow that advice in the future..... however, if I'm not ready atm then why can't a girl just understand that? It shouldn't be a dealbreaker, and I'm SURE she will make an issue about small things in the future? What about doing things, when I feel comfortable?

[preraph]

When you declined to skype, for whatever reason, she knew you were fearful. Women don't like fearful.

 

Sure, you have every right to do whatever you want, and sometimes that is the fastest way to find out you're just not compatible. She doesn't have to play ball with you, and you don't have to play ball with her.

[Tennisguy]

So wasn't her ghosting me/lack of communication for a month and weeks after that rude, immature, and poor behavior on her part? How about her "rejecting me" through text message, after the ghosting, and not being more personal with a phone call/video call? Also, isn't making such a big deal about the video call issue a bad sign for the future, if that's really what she thought about it and a sign of pettiness and immaturity? We eventually did the video call and would have done it sooner, if she didn't ghost me for so long and because of her lack of communication? I wasn't "fearful" or afraid of doing a video call..... I just didn't like doing something like that out of the blue, unscheduled, and spontaneously, especially since it was my first one with a girl. I like being prepared for something like that because I didn't want to feel like my lack of preparedness/not being ready caused her not to want to speak to me again and proceed further. I tried to do video calls, after we did the video call, and she decided to continue being a ghost.....

Edited June 25, 2018 by Tennisguy

[salparadise]

So wasn't her ghosting me/lack of communication for a month and weeks after that rude, immature, and poor behavior on her part? How about her "rejecting me" through text message, after the ghosting, and not being more personal with a phone call/video call? Also, isn't making such a big deal about the video call issue a bad sign for the future, if that's really what she thought about it and a sign of pettiness and immaturity? We eventually did the video call and would have done it sooner, if she didn't ghost me for so long and because of her lack of communication? I wasn't "fearful" or afraid of doing a video call..... I just didn't like doing something like that out of the blue, unscheduled, and spontaneously, especially since it was my first one with a girl. I like being prepared for something like that because I didn't want to feel like my lack of preparedness/not being ready caused her not to want to speak to me again and proceed further. I tried to do video calls, after we did the video call, and she decided to continue being a ghost.....

 

 

No, you were never in a relationship. She didn't have an obligation to treat you like a boyfriend. You just talked on the phone some. That's it. You should've dropped her when she became unreliable. She was probably talking to several others during this time, and probably going on actual dates (doing what people do when dating). Ending a relationship via a text is egregious, but in your case it was only somewhat inconsiderate. If you hadn't been so persistent after she demonstrated low interest she wouldn't have needed to. I hate to be harsh because I know your feelings are hurt... but whatever you thought this was, only existed in your head, not in hers.

 

It seems that everyone has to learn this lesson... never get invested in someone you haven't even met in person. Don't spend too much time texting and talking because you never know how it will feel until you meet, and quite often it ends with the first meeting. Ask for the meeting/date in the first few message exchanges, or within a few days at most. If they balk, move on. OLD commoditizes people and interest. You have to make it real before enthusiasm fades, or someone who moves fast catches their eye.

 

I've asked for the meeting/date in the very first message quite a few times, and it works. I had one woman smile with a twinkle in her eye and comment, so that was pretty bold of you to ask me out in the first message. I said, do you think it was too bold? She answered, well, I'm here aren't I?

 

You need a new mindset. You aren't dating until you've kissed her, and if you aren't kissing you're wasting time and opportunity.

Edited June 25, 2018 by salparadise

[Tennisguy]

Honey, the first sentence or two was full of red flags and you didn't see it. There are rules to how things do and do not function with OLD, and these are ones that were broken:

 

1) The length of the chat time - Once you connect with someone, if one party has not offered a phone number or asked to meet the other within about 4-7 instances of communication (for lack of a better word I will call them emails as you are sharing some basic factual information about yourself), just assume "Next!" and move on. This person sees this as a chat relationship only. I've known people who have been chatting with others for weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time who meet on dating websites and they never meet.

 

2) Long distance - This was a LDR. There are other issues at work with a LDR which is in real life, but if you are in an LDR which was created online, do you really think this is where you need to be? That is beyond hopeless that you and this person are going to have an actual relationship, let alone meet face to face, let alone have any contact beyond texting / writing emails to each other. Because it's a chat relationship and it's not going to go anywhere. I have two examples from my experience what this is like - many years ago I was on eHarmony (for the first time, the second would be my last) and connected with a guy in Michigan. This was just how the cards fell, I wasn't trying to meet someone outside my city let alone in another state. We talked on the phone a few times (this was before video calls or texting option). He asked me if I ever came to Michigan, I said "once in a while"; I asked if ever came to Northeast Ohio, he said "never". And that was the last we spoke. He's an okay guy from what I remember, I have no other reason to think otherwise, but one day never heard a word again. The second time was shaddier but will get to that next.

 

 

3) Video shyness - If you are going to have a video call with someone, designate a time so that both are ready for it. Otherwise something's not right if they resist it so much. Another time I was on a website and some guy (who lived in another state) asked if we could meet. I said I would like to have a phone call at first, he said he wanted to come to my state to meet me. I said let's do Skype then, he said he would not have his laptop and his sister was coming in for a visit soon but he would be available to come to my city any time I wished. I have no idea what those excuses meant, I never talked to him again.

 

 

Remember with OLD (as well as with people in general) that if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you choose to ignore it, it will always linger and cause a problem. Go with how you feel inside, it's telling you something and you need to listen.

 

 

I understand and thank you so much for the advice!!! So, would someone wanting to do a video call out of the blue, unprepared, and possibly making a big deal over that be considered a red flag to you?