Arranged marriage and FB—being a backup plan?

[brtd]

Hi,

 

Perhaps this is the wrong forum for this, but I have had this question for some time now.

 

I agreed to an arranged marriage with a guy who sounded great—honest, caring, and hardworking; my parents adored him. I wasn’t given the chance to talk with him prior to the engagement (I know, great decision on my part), but I did search for him on social media. His FB page was somewhat concerning—he had posted something about falling in love for the first time about six months prior, followed quotes about ‘people who are meant to be together finding their way bqck’ four months prior to engagement. Worse, 1 month after the engagement was sent by his parents, he posted a sad ‘missing You’ love song on his page.

 

I figured that I was making too big of a deal out of a few FB posts. I told my parents about this, however,and they pretty much said ‘all guys do this’ and not to worry about it. However, being the idiot that I am, I recognize now that these may mean that he may still have feelings for someone else.I recently looked at his FB page, and it seems that he has made all these prior posts private, and has stopped posting completely for months (even though he used to post quite frequently before). His status is still ‘single’ after our engagement about a year ago.

 

I would like to talk with him, but my parents are making me wait several months, and don’t really want me to (my dad openly told me that he’s worried I’ll say something to make the guy run). Moreover, looks-wise, this guy is way out of my league (I’m a fairly homely girl, who’s never dated, and I’m not young). I wish I could just end this engagement and move-on, but I’ve already said yes, and given that our families are so close, this would generate a firestorm, and I would wind up hurting both families.

 

Not sure what to do here. I’m worried he was coerced into an arranged marriage after a failed relationship or unrequited crush, and will be miserable with someone such as myself—a rather unattractive, introverted person who usually has little to say to others and no friends.

[smackie9]

I don't like what your parents are doing. I know of many arranged marriages where the husband abuses the wife out of frustration because he doesn't want to be there. I don't agree with the practice at all. It's cruel.

 

 

 

I don't have any words to say this will be OK. It is what it is. Some in your position come to an agreement that they will keep the appearance of being married and keep their outside relationships. This is what you could offer him.

 

 

 

If you are looking for love, don't accept this marriage. And yes he was coerced...but so were you!

 

 

You can talk to him...get a close cousin to message him.

Edited June 23, 2018 by smackie9

[brtd]

While I do think that my parents genuinely believe they are acting my best interests, I also recognize that they are overly protective. My dad went through a messy divorce and custody battle after a love marriage with my mom, who has been pretty much absent from my life for several years now. I think—although they won’t confess it to me—they know that I’m a fairly homely, uninteresting, introverted person that no one would really consider outside of an arranged marriage like this. I am almost thirty, and no one has shown a modicum of interest in me. As a result, my self esteem is fairly low, and I feel that i’m duping this guy into marrying me, and he’ll agree simply because his parents like the match as I’m from the ‘right-type’ of family, talk, thin, and fair-skinned, with a solid career.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not sure what to do here. I’m worried he was coerced into an arranged marriage after a failed relationship or unrequited crush, and will be miserable with someone such as myself—a rather unattractive, introverted person who usually has little to say to others and no friends.

 

This is probably not totally inaccurate. It certainly sounds as though he was in love with someone else.

 

However, I am curious why you have such a terribly low opinion of yourself. If your family is so worried you'll run him off that you aren't even permitted to speak to the man you are set to spend the rest of your life with...well, I think I know where a lot of that poor self-esteem comes from.

 

I really don't have much advice about what to do, as I understand there are cultural factors at play here and you have already agreed to this. Is your family open to listening to your concerns about marrying a complete stranger?

[stillafool]

Hi,

 

Perhaps this is the wrong forum for this, but I have had this question for some time now.

 

I agreed to an arranged marriage with a guy who sounded great—honest, caring, and hardworking; my parents adored him. I wasn’t given the chance to talk with him prior to the engagement (I know, great decision on my part), but I did search for him on social media. His FB page was somewhat concerning—he had posted something about falling in love for the first time about six months prior, followed quotes about ‘people who are meant to be together finding their way bqck’ four months prior to engagement. Worse, 1 month after the engagement was sent by his parents, he posted a sad ‘missing You’ love song on his page.

 

I figured that I was making too big of a deal out of a few FB posts. I told my parents about this, however,and they pretty much said ‘all guys do this’ and not to worry about it. However, being the idiot that I am, I recognize now that these may mean that he may still have feelings for someone else.I recently looked at his FB page, and it seems that he has made all these prior posts private, and has stopped posting completely for months (even though he used to post quite frequently before). His status is still ‘single’ after our engagement about a year ago.

 

I would like to talk with him, but my parents are making me wait several months, and don’t really want me to (my dad openly told me that he’s worried I’ll say something to make the guy run). Moreover, looks-wise, this guy is way out of my league (I’m a fairly homely girl, who’s never dated, and I’m not young). I wish I could just end this engagement and move-on, but I’ve already said yes, and given that our families are so close, this would generate a firestorm, and I would wind up hurting both families.

 

Not sure what to do here. I’m worried he was coerced into an arranged marriage after a failed relationship or unrequited crush, and will be miserable with someone such as myself—a rather unattractive, introverted person who usually has little to say to others and no friends.

 

Yes it sounds like you both are being coerced to marry each other. I imagine his parents feel the way yours do and there is nothing either of you can do about this situation since both of you insist on doing what your parents tell you to do. It is very possible that he is in love with another woman but is being forced to marry you.

[brtd]

I know I’m going to have to force my parents to arrange a meeting between us soon, so if he does have feelings for someone else I can end this. I dread the fallout of that decision—I worry my parents may stop speaking to me, and they’re my only support system. I also feel like a crummy person—his family have sent me so many gifts (it’s a tradition) that I’ll have to pay back in some way if this falls apart, and I’m already heavily in debt due to student loans.

 

OK—I’ll admit I stalked more than his FB profile—he has a YouTube channel which shows all of the videos he has liked, and scrolling through, he was apparently liking videos on ‘marrying without parental approval’ later followed by lots of sad love songs, centered around losing a lover, missing a lover, being hurt by a lover, etc. Recently, he’s stopped liking these types of videos, so maybe he’s over her? I know I sound like a creepy stalker, but it is what it is.

[stillafool]

More than likely if his parents feel as yours do he isn't going to admit feelings for someone else as he know that won't please his parents.

[brtd]

This is just driving me crazy—I obsess over this every day for hours—is his FB status single because he still hopes she’ll come back? Am I the second choice? Will I be in a marriage where the guy accepts that he may ‘love me, but not be “in-love” with me?’ Will he always, deep down, love her and want her back? I don’t even know who she is—not that it really matters—but what if she is superior to me in intellect, drive, and physical appearance?

[brtd]

More than likely if his parents feel as yours do he isn't going to admit feelings for someone else as he know that won't please his parents.

 

That also worries me—I would have to directly confront with the FB posts.

[fredflint]

I'm going to be blunt in this post. Arranged marriage systems are Totally messed up

 

Part of becoming an adult is learning to LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE regardless of the goals of others. That means rejecting pressures from EVERYONE including family. Do your own thing. If it so happens that you and family want the same thing great. If not, do what you want.

 

Yes, you will cause waves, maybe even break some relationships. But it's YOUR LIFE, not THEIRS. You only get one shot at your life. They don't live your life. You have to live with it.

 

One of the biggest regrets the elderly have - is not being true to themselves during their youth, and living for the goals of others.

 

Don't be afraid to have this fight. Be true to yourself and walk away from having this anachronistic crap thrust upon you.

Edited June 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

This is just driving me crazy—I obsess over this every day for hours—is his FB status single because he still hopes she’ll come back? Am I the second choice? Will I be in a marriage where the guy accepts that he may ‘love me, but not be “in-love” with me?’ Will he always, deep down, love her and want her back? I don’t even know who she is—not that it really matters—but what if she is superior to me in intellect, drive, and physical appearance?

 

It's not possible that you are his first choice, as he doesn't even know you. It has nothing to do with you not being good enough.

 

"Confronting" him over anything on his social media is also inappropriate and unfair. He's never met you and it very much sounds as though he didn't agree to this engagement on his own volition.

 

I understand the risks of calling this off are significant. But I feel going through with this will be a big mistake, for both of you.

[preraph]

Well, of course he has feelings for someone else. He doesn't even know you! This is a business arrangement. Likely he'll do whatever he wants while being married to you. Don't expect love and faithfulness from an arrangement.

[kendahke]

You need to tell your folks to stay out of your relationship business and if they want to complain and act stupid when you say this, you need to be about the business of going about your life without their input and involvement.

 

Arranged marriages are anathema to me--IMO it's just an expedient way for rapacious parents to offload you onto someone else so they don't have to be bothered with you.

 

I supposed if you marry this stranger and he starts beating you, they'll tell you to stop making him so mad. They pretty much abandon their daughters to whatever and to me, that's not being a good parent.

[smackie9]

Sooo you went to college...where's your career? Why haven't you started working?

[mortensorchid]

A fascinating documentary on arranged marriages to help others understand reasoning and feelings about arranged marriages:

 

 

But aside from that, I have known three people who were in arranged marriages. The first were next door neighbors whose kids I used to babysit years ago, the other was a guy friend who now lives in Canada (I never met his wife). The first couple are successful, the second is now divorced. But remember when you are in an arranged marriage it is a business or political decision to do such a thing. Both parties go into it with their wants and needs, both have their rights, and you MUST communicate this with all parties in order for it to work.

 

Communication is key to anything and everything, please exercise this.

[brtd]

I know arranged marriages are typically frowned upon in western society, but honestly, the stereotypes that are propagated in the media don’t hold true for most of the couples I know. Physical and verbal abuse are not accepted in any form, and people are not forced against their will into marriage. However, people may or may not talk with each other before marriage (it’s not forbidden, it typically depends on the couple), and divorce, while seen as highly undesirable, can happen (and yes, a female can initiate it—I’ve seen real examples of this). I also don’t my parents want to schlep me off on someone else—it’s common to visit and phone family once married.

 

The reason i agreed to this proposal isn’t the greatest. I was at a low point—a guy I had liked had strung me along, and I had gone no contact with him as much as work permitted several months prior to the engagement. He had subsequently begun dating someone else he was truly in love with, and it hurt, especially as he took no notice of my pointed avoidance of him and insisted on chit chatting with me at every opportunity that came along. However, I was mostly over this when the proposal came along, and just felt depressed- an undesirable person who would never be loved by anyone. My parents received a proposal from this guy and several others, had met this guy and liked him (believe me, it’s extremely rare that the prospective groom meets the bride’s father, usually it’s the other way around). They used the cliched ‘you’re old—you don’t want to wind up as the cat lady.’ Knowing that someone wanted me was empowering, and I agreed.

 

However, I did not ever feel, like this guy posted on FB, a desire to find my string-along guy down the road. I didn’t listen to endless love songs about star-crossed lovers. I don’t have regrets. If I were to marry this guy, I would genuinely put my whole heart into the marriage. If this guy is truly the honest, caring person that he seems, I would happily marry him; however, were I to find him honest, caring, but with his heart elsewhere and unable to give me anything, I would have no choice but to leave him.

 

Feel free to eviscerate me for this bad decision.

[brtd]

Sooo you went to college...where's your career? Why haven't you started working?

 

I’ve been an advanced-degree program for years, and starting my professional career now (I don’t want to say what i do, but it does pay well).I’m not dependent upon anyone, and am not looking for someone to care of me financially.

[smackie9]

So why you come here? Are you looking for someone to convince you this will turn out ok, that he doesn't have a love for someone else, he will accept you, this other girl has nothing on you, and that he will see you as a prize, and love you?

[brtd]

I guess what i’m looking for is how to talk to him about this issue without revealing that I’m such a creepy stalker. How do you ask a guy about past FB posts that look so bad? I feel that i have to bring this up for my own peace of mind but don’t know how to do so without looking pathetic.

[smackie9]

Just be straight up with him. Honestly ask him if he wishes to be with the love of his life. Be sincere about it. Just tell him you don't want to get in the way of his heart's desire.

[preraph]

I mean, he's just going to tell you what you want to hear IF he really wants this marriage. Otherwise, he's not going to care if you like it or not. The man probably has a whole life that has nothing to do with you since you don't know him. You can't vet a stranger and see that you're going to be happy by asking questions. You need to date him and find out that way before committing.

[brtd]

I mean, he's just going to tell you what you want to hear IF he really wants this marriage. Otherwise, he's not going to care if you like it or not. The man probably has a whole life that has nothing to do with you since you don't know him. You can't vet a stranger and see that you're going to be happy by asking questions. You need to date him and find out that way before committing.

 

Chalk this up to my naïveté if you like, but I don’t really understand this. If you have feelings for girl A and don’t really feel happy getting married to girl B, why lie? This isn’t a Tinder date where you’re scouting for a hook up: this is a lifetime commitment. If you already know you carry the torch for one girl, why put someone and yourself through a loveless marriage just to make your parents happy?

 

I understand that I can’t judge the potential future happiness of a marriage from one encounter, but I can know for certain it will be a disaster if he’s still hung up on someone else.

 

My problem is I’ve dug this hole for myself by agreeing to this, and can’t just back out without providing a good reason.

[fredflint]

Chalk this up to my naïveté if you like, but I don’t really understand this. If you have feelings for girl A and don’t really feel happy getting married to girl B, why lie? This isn’t a Tinder date where you’re scouting for a hook up: this is a lifetime commitment. If you already know you carry the torch for one girl, why put someone and yourself through a loveless marriage just to make your parents happy?

 

I understand that I can’t judge the potential future happiness of a marriage from one encounter, but I can know for certain it will be a disaster if he’s still hung up on someone else.

 

My problem is I’ve dug this hole for myself by agreeing to this, and can’t just back out without providing a good reason.

 

This is your mistake - you think you need a reason. You don't. It's your life. You're too worried about what people think about you. You don't have to justify your actions to anyone. You're not answerable to your family, unless you willingly give them that power. Why do you think you have to justify to ANYONE why you don't want to marry someone? Why do you owe them a reason? I don't understand this. Sure there may be gifts, just work to give them back.

[Ruby Slippers]

I had the opportunity a few years ago to marry a guy who was a "catch" by every measure. But deep down I knew something was missing and if I moved forward with it, I'd eventually revolt against the situation. I didn't feel right dragging another person and possibly kids into that, so I left.

 

I think you need to speak with your parents very openly and honestly. Your intuition is telling you this isn't right for good reason.

[coolheadal]

Chalk this up to my naïveté if you like, but I don’t really understand this. If you have feelings for girl A and don’t really feel happy getting married to girl B, why lie? This isn’t a Tinder date where you’re scouting for a hook up: this is a lifetime commitment. If you already know you carry the torch for one girl, why put someone and yourself through a loveless marriage just to make your parents happy?

 

I understand that I can’t judge the potential future happiness of a marriage from one encounter, but I can know for certain it will be a disaster if he’s still hung up on someone else.

 

My problem is I’ve dug this hole for myself by agreeing to this, and can’t just back out without providing a good reason.

 

You live by culture rules of engagement by birth right. Most here won't understand your culture rules and your parents wants, needs etc. You have to go along with it now you had agree to it. No one here can change your mind. How can we? It's not our problem it's your problem it's your life you made it this far to please your parents and the other partner family as well.