ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 I just don’t believe that a comment “sex didn’t mean anything” hurt a man so deeply that he refuses to have anything to do with the OP forever Why is that so hard to believe? Women are sometimes insensitive and dismissive, and men are sometimes hurt and not interested in going back for more. It would be doing men a disservice to assume they cannot be turned-off by a woman's careless words. 4
Lorenza Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 I just don’t believe that a comment “sex didn’t mean anything” hurt a man so deeply that he refuses to have anything to do with the OP forever It doesn't necessarily mean that's his emotions are hurt, he just saw a side of OP that he doesn't want to deal with. 4
stillafool Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 I just don’t believe that a comment “sex didn’t mean anything” hurt a man so deeply that he refuses to have anything to do with the OP forever Even after detailed apology and explanation that OP didn’t mean it he makes plans but is then still so deeply hurt he again decides not to see OP ever again Just doesn’t add up. Much more likely: he probably found OP attractive, liked the sex but wasn’t seeing it as anything more. Men absolutely hate being seen as “the bad guy”. He used OP’s comment to exit guilt free. He then received a text from her and thought maybe the repeat performance wasn’t a bad idea. But then, with apologies and subsequent texts he now knows that OP is very invested and decided that there are easier ways to get sex and didn’t want hassle and drama. So again, he used the same excuse not to be seen as “the bad guy”. You may hear from him again when he is low on options. I completely agree with the above especially if OP told him she didn't mean it when she said sex with him meant nothing. He is using that as THE excuse to close down a relationship with her due to her anxiety. He doesn't want to put in the work it takes to be with OP. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 It doesn't necessarily mean that's his emotions are hurt, he just saw a side of OP that he doesn't want to deal with. Yeah, agree with this and the others that said similar. I also think if you factor in the fact that OP and this guy are very young and very far away from each other, it's a huge hurdle and unnecessary one, in some people's minds, to try to make a relationship, or even more than just that vacation time together, work. Fleeting moments. 1
JuneL Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 OP: If you want to remain friends down the road, you should text back a short message saying you understand instead of going completely silent. 2
Author Nadine123 Posted July 7, 2018 Author Posted July 7, 2018 We traveled together for two months and a half so we were literally stuck together all the time and even slept on the same bed most of the time. He knows what type of person I am so if he decides not to want anything to do with me because of that or that I'm a bad person then that's a shame. There was an incident that happened two weeks before that where he freaked out over dumb stuff (not to do with me) and we even spoke about it that night and I didn't judge him as a person for it but that's just me. I don't agree with the people who said he just wanted to have sex with me and escape guilt free. I believe that he really did like me and that my comment really hurt him. If he wanted to escape, he wouldn't have even replied back to my apology and wrote all the things he did. He is a good guy and so am I, but I guess the way we both approached things was completely wrong. I've decided not to text him back and just let it be. I'm not even sure what to say so there's really no point and he's been online all the time now so if he wanted to talk he would have. It's my birthday coming up next week so hopefully he wishes me happy birthday but if he doesn't then I guess he really doesn't care anymore. He did say he was confused from how I acted so I'm thinking he thought I liked him too. I don't know. I said a mean thing and it's time to be an adult and accept responsibility, but I've had people do or say mean things and I forgave them because I knew what they're like.
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 We traveled together for two months and a half so we were literally stuck together all the time and even slept on the same bed most of the time. He knows what type of person I am so if he decides not to want anything to do with me because of that or that I'm a bad person then that's a shame. There was an incident that happened two weeks before that where he freaked out over dumb stuff (not to do with me) and we even spoke about it that night and I didn't judge him as a person for it but that's just me. I don't agree with the people who said he just wanted to have sex with me and escape guilt free. I believe that he really did like me and that my comment really hurt him. If he wanted to escape, he wouldn't have even replied back to my apology and wrote all the things he did. He is a good guy and so am I, but I guess the way we both approached things was completely wrong. I've decided not to text him back and just let it be. I'm not even sure what to say so there's really no point and he's been online all the time now so if he wanted to talk he would have. It's my birthday coming up next week so hopefully he wishes me happy birthday but if he doesn't then I guess he really doesn't care anymore. He did say he was confused from how I acted so I'm thinking he thought I liked him too. I don't know. I said a mean thing and it's time to be an adult and accept responsibility, but I've had people do or say mean things and I forgave them because I knew what they're like. Well the first part of this sentence is totally a good path and the right thing to think. The second part of the sentence not so much. Once you understand and don't necessarily expect people to do as you would do, you have a better understanding of the world. So if you normally forgive people, keep doing you. Don't expect others though to handle things just as you would or write them off because of it. Try to see things from their perspective. That's just a general life comment i have. I have seen growth in the course of this thread from you which is remarkable considering where it started. That's a compliment. I think it's best in life to have your own standards of who you want to be and hold yourself to them. So if you do good things, continue to do them because that's what make you, you. Rather than only do them if you are afforded the same by someone else--or detriorate into bad behavior if someone else does. I like that you are accepting responsibility. I completely agree with JuneL though, you need to complete the mature task and respond as someone who is truly sorry & an adult & taking responsibility (plus it leaves the door open for the future) by saying something to the effect of "I understand, sorry you feel that way & again sorry for my words". If you want to show someone it was a mistake and one-off and give them more evidence of the good of your character, you counter it with a mature, understanding response. No reason to stonewall him. Plus i'm telling you, if you handle it well, it leaves the door open & i think he will be back at some point. My two cents. 2
Author Nadine123 Posted July 7, 2018 Author Posted July 7, 2018 I will message him this now and thank you for taking the time to write all of this I really appreciate it.
guest569 Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 by saying something to the effect of "I understand, sorry you feel that way & again sorry for my words". Personally, I would skip the bolded. 1
stillafool Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 I said a mean thing and it's time to be an adult and accept responsibility, but I've had people do or say mean things and I forgave them because I knew what they're like. Some men's egos can't take a blow especially when it comes to anything about your not liking sex with them. He may have accepted your apology but still feel because you were under the influence of alcohol you were telling the truth and are now trying to back track when sober. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 Personally, I would skip the bolded. Yeah i get it & can agree with that. I know it could sound passive aggressive. I guess my point is that she should say "sorry things turned out like this and that you don't want to stay in touch but i do respect it" . Lol, you know
fromheart Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 Some men's egos can't take a blow especially when it comes to anything about your not liking sex with them. He may have accepted your apology but still feel because you were under the influence of alcohol you were telling the truth and are now trying to back track when sober. That of course, would be sexist if a man said that about a woman.
introverted1 Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 It doesn't necessarily mean that's his emotions are hurt, he just saw a side of OP that he doesn't want to deal with. Exactly. He may have thought about what happened and decided he didn't want to continue the relationship (friendship or otherwise). If he's emotionally healthy, he might just decide to pass on an entanglement that has already been fraught with games and miscommunication, 1
act00 Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 First of all OP, I don't see anything wrong with finally having that intimate moment just before leaving...it's not necessarily a bad thing. I can see that it could be, but in your case, you were both so attracted to each other, but nobody made a move...and then all of a sudden, there's no more time left...and someone (you, apparently) pushed the envelope to have that moment before you part ways...you may not see each other again. You reacted badly. You made the assumption he wanted a pump and dump despite how great things had been for the past 2-1/2 months. And you lashed out accordingly. Does he hate you? No, I doubt it. He was very hurt, and that wound is still fresh and raw. I want you to think about where you've been hurt in the past...did you suddenly hate that person? I doubt that ever happened. You might be a little avoidant at first, but ultimately things go back to normal. Those words never go away, but you move on from that. Some relationships might be irreparably damaged, others not, but hate? No. In the case of this guy, all you can do is reach out, and I think writing him back telling him you understand and hope you can keep in touch and hopefully see each other sometime in the future is a good way to leave things on a positive note. This keeps the door open for future. You may not remain in contact or see each other again, but you will both have very fond memories of each other. 2
40somethingGuy Posted July 11, 2018 Posted July 11, 2018 I will message him this now and thank you for taking the time to write all of this I really appreciate it. From a guys perspective. He felt a special bond with you in that you both were a long way from home and experiencing something unique together. He very well have been attracted to you but also just enjoyed and cared for you for you. You clearly were more than just some piece of meat for him. He probably was afraid you may not feel the same way which is why it was easier to wait until the end to see where you stood. His actions showed his feelings and I am sure your actions also were positive to him. I think he felt you were special and when you said 'it meant nothing to me' I mean, I even cringed and felt my heart skip a beat reading that. Frankly, that is beyond harsh and I would never talk to you again if you said something like that to me and most men I think feel the same way. Learn from this. What you essentially said to him is that he just didn't matter much and it does hurt. Shame on him for putting you on a pedestal that I am sure you didn't ask for either.
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