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Did I hurt him or he had this all planned out?

Nadine123

By Nadine123
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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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I agree with this. And listen no reason to slam Lorenza who is giving you solid advice. That's why i said to craft your apology message you are flip flopping all over the place. You haven't really taken responsibility and are tending to see guys as the enemy. And then after you decide OP to apologize based on many people saying you were absolutely in the wrong, one person agrees that he had devious motives (respectfully disagree with ES) most likely and you flop again in a matter of minutes AFTER having sent the apology. Sorry i disagree that he had bad motives and you have to stop seeing guys as the enemy. He slept with you because you mutually agreed to. If you are having doubts about what you did, that's on you not blaming this guy for having evil motives. Jesus.

 

Glad he accepted your apology and hope you see that this is just more evidence that he seems like a good guy and it's you that is all over the map and fickle AF. Get a grip seriously. and enjoy this nice person :)

 

Yes you're right. I'm young and learning, if anything this was a big lesson to me. You're right, I do view guys as the enemy sometimes due to negative experiences I've had growing up but it's not an excuse. I also have really bad anxiety so I let this get a grip as well. He said he's coming back to see me in 2 weeks so I'll be nothing but amazing to him. Thank you for all the advice

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Yes you're right. I'm young and learning, if anything this was a big lesson to me. You're right, I do view guys as the enemy sometimes due to negative experiences I've had growing up but it's not an excuse. I also have really bad anxiety so I let this get a grip as well. He said he's coming back to see me in 2 weeks so I'll be nothing but amazing to him. Thank you for all the advice

 

This is where you need to do some work, to learn to self-soothe instead of lashing out or needlessly pushing people away.

 

So, what will do moving forward to manage your anxiety?

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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This is where you need to do some work, to learn to self-soothe instead of lashing out or needlessly pushing people away.

 

So, what will do moving forward to manage your anxiety?

 

You're right. My anxiety has caused me to push away so many people by my actions or things I say. Im going to research ways I can stop it or make it less as it is really impacting my life and causing me to hurt people and I do acknowledge that.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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OK good news he replied back with such a lovely message and were talking again. Thank you all for encouraging me to apologize I really appreciate it.

Nadine I hope you learned something here...not all guys who want sex from you have selfish intentions. I'm guessing you may have been taken advantage of in the past, but who hasn't?

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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Nadine I hope you learned something here...not all guys who want sex from you have selfish intentions. I'm guessing you may have been taken advantage of in the past, but who hasn't?

 

Yes, alot, had worse stuff happen to me but it's not fair to him or any great guys I meet. I'm grateful this happened in a way as it was a big learning experience to me. I'd it didn't I would've probably had the same pattern of hurting men without meaning to. He just sent his flight ticket so I'm going to treat him amazing and spoil him so much when he comes. Im glad he decided to come back to see me even though he always spoke about how he's going 5o stay home for at least a year. Thank you for your help :)

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Yes, alot, had worse stuff happen to me but it's not fair to him or any great guys I meet. I'm grateful this happened in a way as it was a big learning experience to me. I'd it didn't I would've probably had the same pattern of hurting men without meaning to. He just sent his flight ticket so I'm going to treat him amazing and spoil him so much when he comes. Im glad he decided to come back to see me even though he always spoke about how he's going 5o stay home for at least a year. Thank you for your help :)

That is so great to hear! Hope this summer romance blooms into some kind a wonderful :)

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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Okay guys so I'm back with several updates and I need your help again. Two days after the last message of him saying he is going to come see me, he sent me a message saying that he decided not to come because I really hurt his feelings. He also said that he's really surprised I said it meant nothing because I was the one who pushed to have sex that night and he kept on asking me if I'm sure or not and that he feels used (I didn't remember this because I was very drunk). He also added in the end (I wonder how your getting by without someone annoying you every hour of the day and I hope you're meeting awesome people). I understand I screwed things up with an amazing guy and I take complete responsibility for it but now I don't know what to do. He hasn't been online since he sent me that message and he's always online. Should I just let it go or should I send him an apology text again? Or was I just a holiday fling? I suck at these things which is why I'm asking for help because I don't want to do or say something stupid or screw thing up again. Thank you so much in advance :)

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devilish innocent Established Member

devilish innocent

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It looks like people missed seeing your final post. He was quite kind in his explanation and letting you down. If you haven't responded yet, I think it would be nice of you to let him know that you were really looking forward to seeing him but you can understand why he may not want to come visit you. If you want to stay in contact through social media, let him know that as well. Otherwise, wish him good luck and let him go.

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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It looks like people missed seeing your final post. He was quite kind in his explanation and letting you down. If you haven't responded yet, I think it would be nice of you to let him know that you were really looking forward to seeing him but you can understand why he may not want to come visit you. If you want to stay in contact through social media, let him know that as well. Otherwise, wish him good luck and let him go.

 

^This here^

 

There's no need to send another apology. He put enough thought into that reply, and the part about someone not annoying you 24/7? Don't take that as a dig. He's still thinking fondly of you. And I doubt he's really hoping you're meeting others, that's his hurt talking. But don't take the bait, let it go.

 

Just message him saying you understand. I believe he's honest, and that he really does need time to get over it. And he might.

 

Thank him for letting you know, and throw something in there about 'working on yourself'. Then give him his space.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Okay guys so I'm back with several updates and I need your help again. Two days after the last message of him saying he is going to come see me, he sent me a message saying that he decided not to come because I really hurt his feelings. He also said that he's really surprised I said it meant nothing because I was the one who pushed to have sex that night and he kept on asking me if I'm sure or not and that he feels used (I didn't remember this because I was very drunk). He also added in the end (I wonder how your getting by without someone annoying you every hour of the day and I hope you're meeting awesome people). I understand I screwed things up with an amazing guy and I take complete responsibility for it but now I don't know what to do. He hasn't been online since he sent me that message and he's always online. Should I just let it go or should I send him an apology text again? Or was I just a holiday fling? I suck at these things which is why I'm asking for help because I don't want to do or say something stupid or screw thing up again. Thank you so much in advance :)

 

I would just leave him alone now which should be easy since he's not online anymore. I definitely don't think you should drink on future dates because it affects your memory.

ElKay Established Member

ElKay

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Unfortunately, just take it as a lesson and move on... He decided it's not worth hurting himself again (heart, ego, whatever it is), so respect that.

 

Wish you better luck next time!

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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Thank you all for you replies. I have decided to just let it be and not reply back and just leave him alone. I am quite embarrassed from the way I acted and can't believe that I hurt another person. I have rejected guys before but I was always very kind and have never pushed sex with anyone which I believe is coming from an underlying cause. I am definetly staying away from alcohol for a bit and will start taking working on my anxiety seriously. Thank you again

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Yes, I think it's best to just leave it be now. No need to send another apology. He knows you regret what you said, but he isn't able to put it out of his mind enough to see you again.

 

He's doing the right thing, in the sense that it wouldn't be fair to either of you to come see you when he's not feeling it anymore.

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Thank you all for you replies. I have decided to just let it be and not reply back and just leave him alone. I am quite embarrassed from the way I acted and can't believe that I hurt another person. I have rejected guys before but I was always very kind and have never pushed sex with anyone which I believe is coming from an underlying cause. I am definetly staying away from alcohol for a bit and will start taking working on my anxiety seriously. Thank you again

 

 

We've all done stupid stuff. Forgive yourself. Anxiety often leads people to drink to self medicate, BTDT. There are healthier ways to deal with it, find them!

 

Good luck!

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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Do you guys think he hates me or views me as a bad person? I would want to be friends with him at least down the road or a couple of months from me. We did share alot of memories together after all. I won't be texting at all now.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Do you guys think he hates me or views me as a bad person? I would want to be friends with him at least down the road or a couple of months from me. We did share alot of memories together after all. I won't be texting at all now.

 

No, but I doubt he wants to get to close again either.

 

Maybe you can be friends someday in the future. I would leave that ball in his court.

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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Do you mind giving me your perspective as a guy why? If he doesn't view me as a bad person. Yes, I didn't reply and won't message him until he does. I respect his space.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Do you mind giving me your perspective as a guy why? If he doesn't view me as a bad person. Yes, I didn't reply and won't message him until he does. I respect his space.

 

You're talking to another woman here, OP.

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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You're talking to another woman here, OP.

 

Ah sorry. Would still love your perspective if you don't mind :)

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Do you mind giving me your perspective as a guy why? If he doesn't view me as a bad person. Yes, I didn't reply and won't message him until he does. I respect his space.

 

He doesn't view you as a bad person. Truly bad people have little in the way of redeeming features and are thankfully very rare.

 

Instead, he likely views you as a good person who made a bad behavioural choice. Unfortunately it was a choice which hurt him so much that he needs to move on.

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Nadine123 Established Member

Nadine123

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I got it now. If anything, I'm just really upset I was responsible for hurting someone else, but I guess I am human and I made a mistake. Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my thread. Good luck :)

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Ah sorry. Would still love your perspective if you don't mind :)

 

He knows you well enough to know you don't intentionally hurt people, I would assume. You might have hurt him by rejecting him, yes, but I am sure he doesn't view you as a malicious individual.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I just don’t believe that a comment “sex didn’t mean anything” hurt a man so deeply that he refuses to have anything to do with the OP forever :eek:

 

Even after detailed apology and explanation that OP didn’t mean it he makes plans but is then still so deeply hurt he again decides not to see OP ever again :confused:

 

Just doesn’t add up.

 

Much more likely: he probably found OP attractive, liked the sex but wasn’t seeing it as anything more. Men absolutely hate being seen as “the bad guy”. He used OP’s comment to exit guilt free. He then received a text from her and thought maybe the repeat performance wasn’t a bad idea. But then, with apologies and subsequent texts he now knows that OP is very invested and decided that there are easier ways to get sex and didn’t want hassle and drama. So again, he used the same excuse not to be seen as “the bad guy”.

 

You may hear from him again when he is low on options.

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guest569 Established Member

guest569

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I dunno, it doesn’t get much worse than “I regret it and it meant nothing”. Man or woman, casual or not, ouch!! I think he is legit just hurting and protecting himself. But I’m a sensitive type so that is my take.

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fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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Probably wanted to spend the last night with you getting closer, but there shouldn't have been alcohol involved.

 

Been better for him to have made his feelings clear from the start, and for you to not sleep with him unless you had mutual feelings.

 

After what you said the day after, he's going to disappear. Sorry to say. You could have been a bit more gentle with him.

 

The feelings of the night happened, its understandable. Only ever sleep with men if your on the same ground emotionally.

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