Feel Like Such A Fool

May 31, 2018

I am in a relationship with a MM. This has been going on for a year. I don't want to end things, but know I have to, for all of the obvious reasons.

I am afraid that I will not be able to follow through with going cold turkey. I have tried this in the past and he knows exactly what to say to suck me back in. And then I just look foolish and he realizes how much power he has over me. And so the cycle continues .

Since I am the one who makes more of an effort these days (even though he pursued me relentlessly in the beginning), I have alternatively thought about just scaling back my contact and allowing things to basically fizzle out, because when i am explicit about wanting to move on, as I say, he amps things up to try to remove my doubts.

(If this information makes any difference to your answer, we live about 100 miles away from each other, so we only see each other about once every 3-6 weeks, but are in almost constant email contact. It is almost as much of an "emotional affair" as a physical one.)

So, if you were the OW and successfully ended a relationship with a MM because you knew was the right thing to do, even though you did not want to, how did you do it?

p.s. i have been in therapy for several months, and although it has helped me enough to realize that i need to end things, I am having a hard time figuring out how to make it stick.

Thank you for your advice!

Edited June 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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May 31, 2018

Easy - tell his wife. Show her evidence.

He will most likely drop you like a bad habit. He may try to suck you back in after a few months, but by that point, you would have had some time apart and hopefully you will be strong enough to no longer allow yourself to be used by him.

Face it, you are addicted to him. Do you think cigarette smokers are successful in quitting when they simply try to reduce the amount they smoke, rather than going cold turkey?

I was a married other woman once - having my own D Day made it easy to give up the other man (although mine wasn't much an emotional affair). Come discovery, I never spoke to him again.

May 31, 2018

Thank you - I agree, it is a horrible addiction! Did your own marriage survive?

May 31, 2018

I am in a relationship with a MM. This has been going on for a year. I don't want to end things, but know I have to, for all of the obvious reasons.
I am afraid that I will not be able to follow through with going cold turkey. I have tried this in the past and he knows exactly what to say to suck me back in. And then I just look foolish and he realizes how much power he has over me. And so the cycle continues .
Since I am the one who makes more of an effort these days (even though he pursued me relentlessly in the beginning), I have alternatively thought about just scaling back my contact and allowing things to basically fizzle out, because when i am explicit about wanting to move on, as I say, he amps things up to try to remove my doubts.
(If this information makes any difference to your answer, we live about 100 miles away from each other, so we only see each other about once every 3-6 weeks, but are in almost constant email contact. It is almost as much of an "emotional affair" as a physical one.)
So, if you were the OW and successfully ended a relationship with a MM because you knew was the right thing to do, even though you did not want to, how did you do it?
p.s. i have been in therapy for several months, and although it has helped me enough to realize that i need to end things, I am having a hard time figuring out how to make it stick.

Thank you for your advice!

I'm in a similar situation to you right now. I got myself into a relationship with a married woman while she was separated. But I learned she wasn't done with him. So now he's told me to back off and she's still messaging me sometimes. I've just told her to work on her marriage but I can't bring myself to block her yet.

May 31, 2018

I am in a relationship with a MM. This has been going on for a year. I don't want to end things, but know I have to, for all of the obvious reasons.
I am afraid that I will not be able to follow through with going cold turkey. I have tried this in the past and he knows exactly what to say to suck me back in. And then I just look foolish and he realizes how much power he has over me. And so the cycle continues .
Since I am the one who makes more of an effort these days (even though he pursued me relentlessly in the beginning), I have alternatively thought about just scaling back my contact and allowing things to basically fizzle out, because when i am explicit about wanting to move on, as I say, he amps things up to try to remove my doubts.
(If this information makes any difference to your answer, we live about 100 miles away from each other, so we only see each other about once every 3-6 weeks, but are in almost constant email contact. It is almost as much of an "emotional affair" as a physical one.)
So, if you were the OW and successfully ended a relationship with a MM because you knew was the right thing to do, even though you did not want to, how did you do it?
p.s. i have been in therapy for several months, and although it has helped me enough to realize that i need to end things, I am having a hard time figuring out how to make it stick.

Thank you for your advice!

I moved. This was a long time ago, I was single and he was sort of separated, whatever that means. I spent 3 years waiting for them to file and had to move on. You are not near each other so you probably don't need that grand a gesture. Can you delete the email he uses? You have to come to the realization that you are just wasting your life and be ready to move on.

I disagree with telling his wife. Serves nothing except you get to see how little you mean. Don't you know that already though? I know if I put my hand in the flames it will hurt, I don't actually need to cause myself additional pain. Plus you are in the position of power now, you get to be the one to end it and keep your self confidence and self esteem.

June 1, 2018

Easy - tell his wife. Show her evidence.

Yup, worked like a charm. Sent H her love letters and cards and poof nothing. We met up a couple decades later and I got a chance to learn the fallout of that. They didn't divorce for another seven years or so after that event. Evidently the package arrived the day before they were scheduled to go on a cruise. I had no idea. That apparently didn't go over well

June 1, 2018

I went NC about a year ago. Sent him a text message saying I was done and asked him to delete my phone number. He complied. There were a couple of instances where he tried to reestablish contact but I shut those attempts down fast.

However. I still think about him constantly, sometimes good thoughts and sometimes not. I still miss him, or at least the person I wanted him to be. So I don’t know if I’ve really been successful. But at least I am sparing his family the devastation this could have caused.

I’m not physically addicted anymore. But mentally, that’s a different story.

Btw, I broke it off because I sensed his interest in another woman and it was becoming too painful for me. Wish it could’ve been for a more noble reason, but there it is.

June 1, 2018

Aloha, I was with my MM off and on, mainly on since around 2010. I know he loved me. And I loved him too. We were both kind of addicted to each other. We just couldn't lay off. But like many addictions I got tired of the lows. So, I sent him a text to say good bye and then deleted the main way we chat.

I was told for years on this site that I couldn't go back to being friends, though we tried. And if you read our conversations this last year, that is exactly what it looked like. But we weren't just friends. I was in love.

I decided to take a stand for me. I texted him that I loved him but was done. I want to block him because I know if he pushed, I would have a hard time but he has always respected my choices and backed me. And currently he is doing just that. If he stops I pray Ill have the strength to block him.

Aloha, if you want to end it. Take the frayed edges of your heart, tie a knot and block him. Just walk away. It isn't easy, it hurts. But its the end. Sometimes healing hurts but you are healing. Every time you talk to him you injure yourself. Stopping is the first step to healing.

I came on this site years ago. I did not listen. " People didn't understand, we were different. I'm stronger, smarter, less emotional.... I liked my A the way it was. My A was going to work out." I was so wrong.

If I had listened and blocked years ago....who knows where I would be. What I could have done instead of waiting and wasting all that time and emotion on someone who was ok with my pain.

Take an action to protect yourself, to start your healing. Block and walk away.

June 1, 2018

Easy - tell his wife. Show her evidence.

He will most likely drop you like a bad habit. He may try to suck you back in after a few months, but by that point, you would have had some time apart and hopefully you will be strong enough to no longer allow yourself to be used by him.

Face it, you are addicted to him. Do you think cigarette smokers are successful in quitting when they simply try to reduce the amount they smoke, rather than going cold turkey?

I was a married other woman once - having my own D Day made it easy to give up the other man (although mine wasn't much an emotional affair). Come discovery, I never spoke to him again.

Pretty much all there is to it. You'll find out real quick where his loyalties lie. And you'll have your answer, although from your writing, it's probably not the answer you want. Look at it this way, if you tell her and he leaves, he's all yours. If you tell her and he stays/tries to fix it, you can stop wasting your time and move on to someone who does love you.

I came on this site years ago. I did not listen. " People didn't understand, we were different. I'm stronger, smarter, less emotional.... I liked my A the way it was. My A was going to work out." I was so wrong.

If I had listened and blocked years ago....who knows where I would be. What I could have done instead of waiting and wasting all that time and emotion on someone who was ok with my pain.

This is incredibly powerful testimony, please read it and understand, try to apply it to your life. Because this will be you; you'll be an "old timer" here, wasted years of your life, brought so much more pain to yourself and you'll have nothing to show for it. There's a 50-1 (roughly) chance that you'll wind up like this (wasted years, without the OM) than you'll wind up in love and married. And I know you're seeing that thinking "I'll be the 1". No, you won't, everyone thinks that, and 49 of you are wrong. The chances are HUGELY stacked against you. If you find someone new, you have about a 60% chance of your marriage working out long term. You have about a 2% chance with this guy. Almost no A's go from sweaty sex in the bathroom to "I do" and happily ever after. Please, as a woman, don't risk your best years, the years where you should be finding love, getting married, building a family, or growing/nurturing that family on a 50-1 chance. You will not win, almost nobody does.

Edited June 1, 2018 by Overtaxed

June 2, 2018

I think the most important thing is to be truly ready to end it. No waffling. Make the decision that you have endured enough BS and you're tired of feeling bad about yourself and being used. Make a list of all the ways in which this A totally sucks for you. Make it a long list and read it frequently to strengthen your resolve.

Then just fade out. No more texting. No more calls. Unlike other break-ups, in this case you don't owe him an explanation or a long conversation about why. It's very clear why. When my x-MM asked me why I wasn't responding to him any more, I told him it was time for me to move on with my life. He would occasionally contact me to "check on me" which was a total lie. He wanted to re-establish contact so he could get the A going again. At first, I would respond with, "things are great with me. Hope you're doing well." But after a while I just stopped responding at all because I'm done with him and that whole chapter of my life. I feel so much better now. So much better. I have integrity again.

June 2, 2018

I wish I had advice for you. but I’m in the same place as you are. A year in and afraid to close the door. I’m doing therapy as well.

I used to think like you do but I learned quickly here in LS that those things you say like he sucks you back in, he amps things up to remove doubts. Those are your own ways of keeping the affair going. Because he has no power over you. Only you do. I finally accepted that I am choosing to be in the A despite knowing all the reasons why it’s the worst choice i have ever made. He’s not making me. It’s taking some real soul searching and I honestly don’t like the person I am in this. Maybe once I can take a real long hard look at myself, I will have the power to make the right decision and walk away for good.

I wish you luck. I’m sorry I have no advice for you. But you’re not the only one out there that feels this way.

And the advice here is golden. I hope to have a ending story one day like those that have replied to you and be able to one day give someone the encouragement and hope of successfully walking away.

Edited June 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting ~T

June 2, 2018

I have alternatively thought about just scaling back my contact and allowing things to basically fizzle out, because when i am explicit about wanting to move on, as I say, he amps things up to try to remove my doubts.

The reason he's able to pull you back in is that you're not really ending things. If he's able to contact you, you haven't blocked all of his avenues for contact. You need to block him on social media, block his number on your phone (or change it), close down any emails you're using to contact him under the radar.

If you do this, there will be no contact from him, and no temptation for you to go back. Anything less than this is an unconscious attempt at staying connected. He'll always have the power to sway you if you give him the opportunity to talk to you.

As others on the forum will tell you (from their personal experience), the best way to get out of the affair is to close off all avenues of contact. Forever.

June 2, 2018

I finished it so many times it was embarrassing. If you don’t want it to end then it won’t. Like a smoker can’t quit unless they want to, neither can you.

I just stopped replying to him I live far enough away that the chances of him randomly turning up at my door are slim to none.

When you’re really done you won’t feel the need to explain yourself to him or send him “the final stop texting me (but secretly I still want you to)” emails.

June 2, 2018

We had an EA from afar. I did meet him 4 times in the last 9 years. I got a divorce, got my stuff together and decided I wouldn't be party to it anymore.

He has called from another number in the last two months and said he is getting divorced. I told him, go find your free self and date the ladies and figure out what you want. My heart and head have moved on from it, give it time work on you, and why you got suckered into it. Then NC, and I've done that for years now. Then he pops up again. In no way will I allow this person to control me, what my life has become - and he knows it now. Take your power and your pride back. I have so many other options at this point, he will have to take a back seat.

June 4, 2018

I will also add this one thing....

It takes a while for the heart to catch up to the head. In this case, I would advise that you listen to your head--and keep listening--while your heart catches up. It will.

June 4, 2018

I will also add this one thing....

It takes a while for the heart to catch up to the head. In this case, I would advise that you listen to your head--and keep listening--while your heart catches up. It will.

I like this. My heart and head are at an ongoing war. My head is always right, somehow my heart is always winning. It’s emotionally draining.

June 5, 2018

I will also add this one thing....

It takes a while for the heart to catch up to the head. In this case, I would advise that you listen to your head--and keep listening--while your heart catches up. It will.

Thank you. This is excellent advice, and has really stuck with me.

June 5, 2018

I finished it so many times it was embarrassing. If you don’t want it to end then it won’t. Like a smoker can’t quit unless they want to, neither can you.

I just stopped replying to him I live far enough away that the chances of him randomly turning up at my door are slim to none.

When you’re really done you won’t feel the need to explain yourself to him or send him “the final stop texting me (but secretly I still want you to)” emails.

Thank you. This is very good advice too. I am trying to think of it a progress versus perfection. That this is going to be a process that does not happen overnight.

June 13, 2018

I sabotaged the relationship intentionally until it was so fractured you could never repair it. Then I asked my husband to tell my OM to leave me alone. And he's going to...with his lawyer present.

But I knew it was over when I finally got to where I hated him due to our arguments and we tried to have make up sex and I felt violated. I immediately took a bath and hugged my knees and thought, if I feel violated after a man I have loved for a year has touched me....it's over. Done.

So. That is how I ended things.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Wildcat01

June 22, 2018

I am involved in an affair that has lasted a little over a year. We are both married. From day one, MM has made it clear that he is never leaving his wife, that they have a good sex life blah blah blah. He has always been very upfront about this.

But other than that, it has followed the typical script. He pursued me mercilessly in the beginning, told and still constantly tells me he loves me, emails all the time, but as time goes on he is more often than not "too busy" to see me (we live about 100 miles apart) --we used to see each other about once a month. But since Feb. it has been more like once every 2-3 months.

Basically, since finding this forum, I feel like such a goddamned fool for allowing myself to fall for him hook, line, and sinker. It has followed such a cliched pattern but I was so desperate for attention and so flattered by it that I never fully wanted to admit to myself what a lie it all was.

Until finding this forum, that is, which made all of his confusing behavior make perfect sense. And realizing that I was not alone, and that his decreased interest was not "my fault" but rather comes with the territory.

I guess my question is - how do I forgive myself for being such an idiot??? I should never have risked my own (lackluster) marriage for such a dead end 'relationship', but here I am. Still in a situation that I know is absurd but yet one I can't seem to find the strength to fully extract myself from.

(p.s. I am already in individual counseling, but apparently that is not enough)

June 22, 2018

No offense, but as a single person that has been single for quite awhile, I don’t understand how you can’t just stop. I mean...I’m definitely not one for long distance relationships... but if you only see the person every month or two or three... it’s hardly even seems like a relationship as far as I’m concerned. And you have another relationship, (even if it is lackluster). I don’t have ANY romantic relationships and it would be hard for me to get that involved with a long distance thing where I don’t really even get to see the person. Can you develop a hobby or something to distract you? Block the person? Try to spend the extra energy on your marriage or working out or a new hobby or volunteering or something? It sounds like this relationship is a dead end. And this is your one and only life, so why waste it on something that isn’t going anywhere and has the potential to hurt people.

June 22, 2018

I've never been in the same position, but I would say that you forgive yourself by reminding yourself that you have learned something from this experience...

You have learned that you need to get your own emotional house in order. You have learned not to be so trusting and naive next time. You have learned, perhaps, the value of your marriage and your family. You have the opportunity every single day to make a different decision... to be a woman of integrity, to reinvest in yourself and your family and make things right again... Don't take that opportunity, that great gift, for granted. Good luck.

June 22, 2018

No offense, but as a single person that has been single for quite awhile, I don’t understand how you can’t just stop. I mean...I’m definitely not one for long distance relationships... but if you only see the person every month or two or three... it’s hardly even seems like a relationship as far as I’m concerned. And you have another relationship, (even if it is lackluster). I don’t have ANY romantic relationships and it would be hard for me to get that involved with a long distance thing where I don’t really even get to see the person. Can you develop a hobby or something to distract you? Block the person? Try to spend the extra energy on your marriage or working out or a new hobby or volunteering or something? It sounds like this relationship is a dead end. And this is your one and only life, so why waste it on something that isn’t going anywhere and has the potential to hurt people.

I actually AGREE with you. I was completely single for most of my 30s, and was much much happier! It is truly the strangest thing and defies all logic. The only explanation (not an excuse) I have is that it is a horrible addiction that gets worse and worse and more progressive over time. At first, it was an escape and now, it is something that I need to escape.

As far as the not seeing each other very much, that did once make this "escape" a lot less risky and "safer" in the beginning, but that is certainly not the case now.

June 22, 2018

I've never been in the same position, but I would say that you forgive yourself by reminding yourself that you have learned something from this experience...

You have learned that you need to get your own emotional house in order. You have learned not to be so trusting and naive next time. You have learned, perhaps, the value of your marriage and your family. You have the opportunity every single day to make a different decision... to be a woman of integrity, to reinvest in yourself and your family and make things right again... Don't take that opportunity, that great gift, for granted. Good luck.

Yes I keep trying to convince myself that I need to cut my losses while I still have the chance.

June 22, 2018

Yes I keep trying to convince myself that I need to cut my losses while I still have the chance.

Indeed, because if you don't... you may lose to control your own destiny in the future... with respect to your marriage, and your family life.

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