idrather_hidemyname Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 I'm a little drunk right now. To be honest that's how I've managed to write here. Half a year ago I wrote on this forum about being attracted to a coworker and how that ****ed up my relationship. Should be in my only other thread started here. Right now I'm getting into another cycle of temporary distance between my gf and I. My feelings for my coworker have never really gone away, but my relationship with my girlfriend got a bit calmer in this aspect. However, I',m always super anxious about this, around this girl, and this disturbs to a point which I can't really be in peace with myself. I don't know how to solve this. I've tried much of what this forum has advised: from distancing from my coworker to talking about my relationship with my girlfriend, but nothing has worked. I'm a bit lost and afraid to be in a loop. Also, my girlfriend now has developed depression not only due to our relationship but also due to our problems, making it a lot harder for me to do whatever in our relationship besides supporting her and making sure she doesn't crumble apart. Any advice? (PS: I know how unfair towards my girlfriend this is. but ultimately feelings are something you can't control, and if I could this would obviously not be the way things would be. I hate myself enough on that)
Lotsgoingon Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 Well first of all, as a charter member of the I Have Been Seriously Depressed Club of the World, you should know that depression isn't triggered by something as simple as a relationship problem. If her struggles with you are triggering depression, that's because she has a vulnerability and tendency towards depression. And if you weren't the "cause," there would be another cause. Depression invents reasons. It doesn't need a reason. So don't take responsibility for her depression. She may think it has to do with you, but she's wrong. People suffer rejection every day ... cold lovers and cold spouses every day ... doesn't necessarily lead to depression. The healthy emotion she should be experiencing is sadness or disappointment or anger. Or if she's so unhappy, she should go ahead and dump you. She has choices, but she's not seeing them--at least that's my quick read. And I don't mean you should be dumped ... I'm simply pointing out that depression causes paralysis and misery ... as much as, if not more so, than paralysis and misery cause depression. And you can't really help someone out of a depression. Did you know that? You can't really help people who are depressed ... other than to encourage them to go to therapy and go for medication if necessary. So that's some crucial background. Avoid taking on the hopeless task of helping her through depression. That's like taking on the task of curing cancer. She needs to go to a specialist for that. Now ... it sounds like you are really attracted to this coworker and not so attracted to your gf ... (but you fear expressing your feelings in the words I just used). Well, the mature thing to do ... is to own that feeling honesty ... end the relationship with the gf and go explore the possibility with the coworker. I'm a little confused about why you haven't done that. You're not married with three kids and a mortgage ... You're dating someone. The dating process is one of relating and figuring out if this is the right person for us ... sometimes you really don't know until you get a ways into dating. At the least, don't torture and guilt yourself over that nervousness you have around the coworker. Instead, reflect on it ... explore it ... try to figure out why she excites you ... even when you don't want her to excite you. Think about feelings you've had for previous people ... Compare ... I sense guilt and fear of doing wrong getting too much in the way and clouding your thinking. You may have some codependent stuff going on ... feeling way more responsible for gf's wellbeing than is reasonable.
OnlyHonesty Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 This might not sound helpful at first but think about it. My advice would be to stop taking everything so seriously. Ive been there too.... You are creating most of your own psychological pain through your thoughts, and through taking this all way too seriously. 1
olivetree Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 I read your other threads and posted there too. This has been going on too long. I think you should break up with your gf to get the space you need to discover who you are and what you want. 1
Recommended Posts