Jayzobristt Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I've been on a few dates with this 27 year old and it's been a good time and she comes off as interested. Lately she's been a bit busy with work and looking for a new place to live and she's been having a bit of trouble finding a place. Meanwhile I've been trying to set up another date and it just hasn't happened with her work, her child and life. I felt like I was getting a bit pushy, she hadn't mention I had been, and I sent her a message basically saying "I feel like ive been a bit pushy and coming on to strong with you and I don't know if you have felt the same but it hasn't been my intention. I know you got some stuff going on and I understand that you're busy ,so if it feels like I been coming on too strong I apologize" She replied back "I'm just trying to find a place and get moved, after that it will be a lot easier " I said "I understand, i know you've been looking hopefully it works out soon for ya" Like 3 hours later it hit me what I sent and I totally cringed. Why the heck would I send that!!! Did I blow my chance? Did I look really really bad?
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 How about this...don't give a crap about it, and ask someone else out on a date. Ya it was cringe worthy but whatever, there are more interested girls out there. You didn't blow anything...when they are "busy" that's a "not that interested". I know when I'm really interested in someone, I'm never too busy to say hi or chat.
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 It was some acknowledgment of how your behavior has changed. She seemed OK with it but did remind you that her housing search is necessarily her priority. Why not offer a date where you go with her to look at potential places. At the very least send her a list of available apartments in her area. Show that you care about what's important to her.
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 (edited) It was some acknowledgment of how your behavior has changed. She seemed OK with it but did remind you that her housing search is necessarily her priority. Why not offer a date where you go with her to look at potential places. At the very least send her a list of available apartments in her area. Show that you care about what's important to her. To me that action doesn't show he cares. In this situation, to take that action would appear that he's simply trying to get into her good books because she's pulled back from him. And actually, he really would be doing it for that reason, if it's not something he would normally do anyway. So he would be supplicating and trying to buy her back with his action. So I disagree with your suggestion, I think doing nearly anything to benefit her in this situation is a bad idea. She is pulling back. He shouldn't undertake actions that reward her pulling back from him. That sends the wrong signal and is counterproductive. He should just be neutral on it. Not happy, not unhappy. He should give her the time and space she's implicitly asking for and start talking to other people like Smackie said. Edited June 20, 2018 by fredflint
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 fredflint My view of dating has never been a zero sum game. When you think of it in terms of rewards & punishments it's already failing. People act like dating & relationships are something where the two people meet in the middle, each giving 50% but that means they have 1 single point of contact. When that is severed, they are disconnected. Instead in a good relationship both should give 100% for maximum overlap. Then if somebody falls because of a problem or situation, the couple remains connected. Here, this woman has a problem: she needs a new place to live. For the OP to help her solve that problem is a sign of caring & compassion for somebody else's needs. It shows that he's doing something other than worrying about what she can do for him. It's not about rewarding her. It's about helping & being kind. Going house hunting with her gives them time together while affording her time to get herself situated, which has to be the priority. It's not like she's blowing him off to watch re-reuns on TV. Are you really suggesting that a woman who has only been on a "few dates" with a new man should take time away from her housing search & possibly risk making herself & her child homeless so she can spend more time with the new guy?
Author Jayzobristt Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 I wouldn't necessarily say shes pulled away. I work 45 hours per week, she works 40 hours per week and has a kid. The conversation is still fine. We still communicate we just haven't gotten to another date quite yet
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Are you really suggesting that a woman who has only been on a "few dates" with a new man should take time away from her housing search & possibly risk making herself & her child homeless so she can spend more time with the new guy? No it's totally up to her, but she's clearly signaling that her house search is more important than making time for him. It's not like she's even suggesting that they stay in touch with a quick phone call here and there. Here's the point, even though she's busy, she could still make it clear in a million different possible ways that he's still a priority in her life. She isn't doing that, and that is telling me she's fizzling him out and this relationship is going nowhere. For him to go doing stuff for her now, showing he cares, being the classic nice guy, might be noble and kind and even win her over. But it will be a pyrrhic victory because she already has shown she doesn't feel that strongly about him and she is clearly willing to risk losing him. He will invest more in her and eventually lose anyway - either because she will eventually leave him or because he she won't love him in the way he deserves.
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I wouldn't necessarily say shes pulled away. I work 45 hours per week, she works 40 hours per week and has a kid. The conversation is still fine. We still communicate we just haven't gotten to another date quite yet Do you feel like you're a priority in her life? How often do you talk on the phone? I definitely think you should give her a bit of space, I hope I am wrong and she's just super busy, and really still into you.
Author Jayzobristt Posted June 21, 2018 Author Posted June 21, 2018 Do you feel like you're a priority in her life? How often do you talk on the phone? I definitely think you should give her a bit of space, I hope I am wrong and she's just super busy, and really still into you. I say we talk 5 out of 7 days. Just depends on work schedules and such, I don't really get a chance to talk when i'm working and i kno when she's off work she''s with her kid I am gonna give her space though
fredflint Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 I say we talk 5 out of 7 days. Just depends on work schedules and such, I don't really get a chance to talk when i'm working and i kno when she's off work she''s with her kid I am gonna give her space though Oh it sounds like she is making time for you then, if you're talking on the phone that regularly - I thought she hardly was at all. In that case I'm backing off on my assessment for now. Everything might be OK. Just don't smother her and I hope it works out well for you. 1
Author Jayzobristt Posted June 21, 2018 Author Posted June 21, 2018 Oh it sounds like she is making time for you then, if you're talking on the phone that regularly - I thought she hardly was at all. In that case I'm backing off on my assessment for now. Everything might be OK. Just don't smother her and I hope it works out well for you. SO you dont think my message came off as insecure/?
Adiron Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 SO you dont think my message came off as insecure/? Insincerity isn't the issue it might come off as a bit heavy. Lighten up and back off and give her space.
fredflint Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 SO you dont think my message came off as insecure/? It helps if you can be confident in the future and her, and unafraid generally. So I don't think what you said was ideal, but I don't think its as serious as you think either. You're human, and you've not done anything to hurt her. So I wouldn't sweat it. I can't see her writing you off just for that.
Author Jayzobristt Posted June 21, 2018 Author Posted June 21, 2018 Insincerity isn't the issue it might come off as a bit heavy. Lighten up and back off and give her space. Thanks I think I did just overreact
OnlyHonesty Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 SO you dont think my message came off as insecure/? Apologizing unnecessarily is a great way for a guy to kill attraction. It communicates that you do not own your actions, and care too much about how they are perceived. As opposed to being yourself and not caring too much what she thinks about it. You said you wondered why you did it. I'd say it came from faulty nice guy programming over the years. It's a variation of walking on eggshells because you wouldn't be apologizing if she responded enthusiastically.... 1
Author Jayzobristt Posted June 21, 2018 Author Posted June 21, 2018 Apologizing unnecessarily is a great way for a guy to kill attraction. It communicates that you do not own your actions, and care too much about how they are perceived. As opposed to being yourself and not caring too much what she thinks about it. You said you wondered why you did it. I'd say it came from faulty nice guy programming over the years. It's a variation of walking on eggshells because you wouldn't be apologizing if she responded enthusiastically.... yea i kinda regret sending it hopefully it dont bite me in teh ass
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