JoshuaTree89 Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 This is my first post - my friends and family are sick of hearing about this. Thanks in advance for reading and I will try to be brief. I have been dating a girl for about a year and half. We were introduced through a work event and immediately hit it off. She's smart, beautiful, kind, but very insecure and impulsive. She's had some childhood trauma and issues stemming from this have reared their ugly head since the beginning. Back when we first starting dating, I found her texting her ex-boyfriend still. Our relationship was still new and somewhat undefined so I let it go. She said she was insecure about where we were headed so I tried to be understanding. A few months later, I noticed Facebook messages from male friends, which again, she chalked up to insecurities and being scared she wasn't good enough for me. We talked through it and I gave her another chance. We managed to put all that behind us and the last year has been wonderful. We travelled, met family and friends and talked about getting an apartment together. I really felt like we were communicating well and her insecurities were under control. There were times where she would bring up the fact that she doesn't make the money I do or wasn't raised like I was and would bring up ways she felt inferior, which I tried so hard to stress that none of that mattered. Last week she attended her sister's 40th bday weekend in Austin, where her family and childhood friends are. We kept in touch like normal. When she got home, she "announced" that she met the lead attorney of a practice there and got an amazing job offer that would make her much more comfortable and closer to her family and she was taking it. It wasn't even a discussion, just an announcement. I was in such shock I didn't even ask many questions, I just got upset and left. I figured I would let things cool down. Bottom line - she independently decided she wasn't' taking the job and wants things to go back to normal. That she was thinking about the money and made a rash decision and now thinking through it, she wants to be here with me and concentrate on our future. She's been writing me letters, calling at work, nonstop trying everything. To me, I have lost all faith and trust in her now. And once the trust is broken, I don't know how to get it back. I love her with all my heart but what's to stop her from making another impulsive decision in the future? Am I overreacting? Thanks!
MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 It sounds like she may be the type of person who has a hard time making up her mind and sticking with it. You say she's impulsive....so this is what you can expect...unless she changes and becomes less impulsive. I think you can believe her that she loves and wants to stay near you....and she admitted she was being rash. Again, that could be her insecurity talking. If the two of you do stay together be prepared for her insecurity to keep popping up until it's resolved.
preraph Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I don't think you are overreacting, but I do think there's more than one thing at play here. Her always being insecure that she's inferior, I think if you read between the lines, it may be that because you have different backgrounds, you don't seem as normal to her as, for example, her family does. You may be a better earner, etc., but you know how people are attracted to what's familiar to them, and some people just get out of their comfort zone with someone who doesn't seem "like family." The fact she got real carried away at her family get-together, she was feeling in her element. It is in her comfort zone, to be near them, people she is more similar to, plus she saw this opportunity to make some real money. You're right, she shouldn't have just slammed you with that. But that's probably one way she's different than you are, maybe more direct, less finesse. I don't think it's something to break up over, but you need to have a talk with her about stuff, and that's on the list. "I think of us as a unit, and I'd never take a job somewhere without us both putting a lot of thought into it and accommodating each other if possible." I also think that if you're thinking about marriage and kids with her, you need to talk about raising kids and see if you're at all on the same page. Probably not if your families are real different. It could be a nightmare if one of you is structured and one is lenient and wants to be the kids' friend instead of parent, or if one believes in physical punishment and one doesn't. Of course, there are ways to work on that stuff with a counselor who specializes in it, but then you'd both have to agree to a plan and stay on the same page -- and then not let your extended families come in and throw all that away if they spend much time with the kids. It's a year and a half. You may just be getting to know her better. Take your time, but don't throw it away. I do think her reluctance may not always be her feeling insecure but maybe she knows you're so different and not totally comfortable with it. Good luck.
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Two things would make me unhappy... Her go-to excuse is that she is insecure and she doesn't feel worthy. If that is the case, what is she doing to boost her self worth? The longer this goes on, the more disingenuous that sounds when she uses it to excuse her poor behavior (like, communicating with other men). And second, I'd be really leery about a partner would would make a major life decision without a consultation. She's given you an appreciation for how she makes decisions - impulsively and selfishly. Do with that what you will... 2
Highndry Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 She sounds EXACTLY like my ex, selfish as the day is long, insecure, and always in contact with exes. I'd run fast and far. These are the worst kind of women. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 So here's the deal. Drop being kind about her insecurity from the picture ... and ask yourself: do you want to be with her or not? You have to assume the insecurity will stay the same. I gotta say I would be freaked out by someone who took a job away from me ... even if she changed her mind ... Sounds like that initial decision (and the feeling of betrayal) probably was the tipping point ... it was too much on top of all the other struggles of dealing with her ... If so, that's important information. I don't think you're overreacting ... because I don't think it's just the one incident that bothers you ... I think there's been an accumulation of stuff that has bothered you ... I could certainly see the wisdom of walking. That's my gentle wording. 2
Author JoshuaTree89 Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 So here's the deal. Drop being kind about her insecurity from the picture ... and ask yourself: do you want to be with her or not? You have to assume the insecurity will stay the same. I gotta say I would be freaked out by someone who took a job away from me ... even if she changed her mind ... Sounds like that initial decision (and the feeling of betrayal) probably was the tipping point ... it was too much on top of all the other struggles of dealing with her ... If so, that's important information. I don't think you're overreacting ... because I don't think it's just the one incident that bothers you ... I think there's been an accumulation of stuff that has bothered you ... I could certainly see the wisdom of walking. That's my gentle wording. Thank you - it's exactly this. I don't think I ever really let go of the original incidents and this betrayal was definitely the tipping point.
Kelliousme Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I gotta say I would be freaked out by someone who took a job away from me ... even if she changed her mind ... This........ You're not overacting at all. And yes, it's time to walk. 1
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 The Chinese have a curse: "may you live in interesting times". If you stay with her you are going to have some "interesting times". You just have to decide if she is worth it. 1
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I have a feeling she is that insecure/immature, that she threw that at you to see if you actually cared about her. It back fired on her. The only way to work through this is to have a full on serious conversation about proper communication about life changing decisions, emotional issues, struggles, being more of a partnership. You two are not a team, and it's time set this up, set some goals, and start planning for the future. Ask her where she sees herself in 5 years...married? living where?, career?
JDJ Posted June 21, 2018 Posted June 21, 2018 I think my take on this is different than other posters. Back when we first starting dating, I found her texting her ex-boyfriend still. Our relationship was still new and somewhat undefined so I let it go. Not a crime. You said you were going to let it go, so let it go already. A few months later, I noticed Facebook messages from male friends, which again, she chalked up to insecurities and being scared she wasn't good enough for me. Is she not allowed to have male friends? You sound controlling. You don't say she was flirting with them, just messaging them. Last week she attended her sister's 40th bday weekend in Austin, where her family and childhood friends are. We kept in touch like normal. When she got home, she "announced" that she met the lead attorney of a practice there and got an amazing job offer that would make her much more comfortable and closer to her family and she was taking it. It wasn't even a discussion, just an announcement. I was in such shock I didn't even ask many questions, I just got upset and left. I figured I would let things cool down. She got a wonderful, positive surprise in her life, and reacted a bit impulsively. She didn't consult you. She is not your wife yet, just a girlfriend of 1.5 years, not quite a life-changing amount of time yet. Your reaction: you just left without saying anything! Bottom line - she independently decided she wasn't' taking the job and wants things to go back to normal. That she was thinking about the money and made a rash decision and now thinking through it, she wants to be here with me and concentrate on our future. She's been writing me letters, calling at work, nonstop trying everything. Your bullying tactics have caused her to rethink and try to get back with you. But you are still ignoring her. To me, I have lost all faith and trust in her now. And once the trust is broken, I don't know how to get it back. I love her with all my heart but what's to stop her from making another impulsive decision in the future? Nothing, she is a human. Seriously, you lost all faith and trust in her because she accepted a job offer? Am I overreacting? Yes. If you decide that you don't like her personality, or that it is not for you, that is one thing. But don't try to pin blame on her. Thanks! 1
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