MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I broke up with my long time boyfriend a little over a year ago. It was something I needed to do for a long time after being treated like crap and dealing with his jealous lady "friends" who also treated me like crap and worked hard to shut our relationship down. I've healed though and life in general is good. I started dating casually about 5 months ago and it's been an interesting road. My most recent dating experience has left me feeling like what the hell is wrong with men? Can't they be nice and considerate? He wants me to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and won't be flexible around MY schedule. I work and have a very demanding job. He doesn't understand how much it takes out of me sometimes and just expects to jump whenever at his beck and call. He never says things like, "When would be a good time for you?" He just says when it would be a good time for him. He never asks me how my job is going and doesn't want to hear about my challenges; not interested. But we are physically very attracted to one another and the sparks really fly. I don't know how to bring up with him that my time and my needs are important without causing a big fight. What would you do? My ex husband was the same way and that's partly why he's my ex. Very little consideration and support. I'm a strong person, but even I need support. When I would try to talk about a stressful situation at work he would just blow me off and say things like, "Well, you're not at work right now, so it doesn't matter". It did matter. I needed a sounding board.
Zahara Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Why are you dating a guy that’s just like your ex-husband? Physical attraction isn’t a good enough reason. And if you can’t communicate — there is no relationship. It doesn’t sound like you both are compatible.
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 I broke up with my long time boyfriend a little over a year ago. It was something I needed to do for a long time after being treated like crap and dealing with his jealous lady "friends" who also treated me like crap and worked hard to shut our relationship down. I've healed though and life in general is good. I started dating casually about 5 months ago and it's been an interesting road. My most recent dating experience has left me feeling like what the hell is wrong with men? Can't they be nice and considerate? He wants me to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and won't be flexible around MY schedule. I work and have a very demanding job. He doesn't understand how much it takes out of me sometimes and just expects to jump whenever at his beck and call. He never says things like, "When would be a good time for you?" He just says when it would be a good time for him. He never asks me how my job is going and doesn't want to hear about my challenges; not interested. But we are physically very attracted to one another and the sparks really fly. I don't know how to bring up with him that my time and my needs are important without causing a big fight. What would you do? My ex husband was the same way and that's partly why he's my ex. Very little consideration and support. I'm a strong person, but even I need support. When I would try to talk about a stressful situation at work he would just blow me off and say things like, "Well, you're not at work right now, so it doesn't matter". It did matter. I needed a sounding board. 1) I don't think this guy is for you, sounds too much like your ex 2) If he is the one for you then you will need to be able to talk to him about difficult stuff sometimes 3) So you're going to have to risk a fight sometimes. You can't be afraid to raise issues that are important to you. Relationships aren't always easy and finding a way to talk about the hard things is essential. 1
Author MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 Why are you dating a guy that’s just like your ex-husband? Physical attraction isn’t a good enough reason. And if you can’t communicate — there is no relationship. It doesn’t sound like you both are compatible. Well he's not exactly like my ex husband, but in regards to being inconsiderate of my time he is..he's quite a bit younger than my exH. And, better looking...he's a hotty...and you're right physical attraction is probably not enough. I'm really really attracted to him though. We're compatible in many ways, just not in managing my time.
Author MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 1) I don't think this guy is for you, sounds too much like your ex 2) If he is the one for you then you will need to be able to talk to him about difficult stuff sometimes 3) So you're going to have to risk a fight sometimes. You can't be afraid to raise issues that are important to you. Relationships aren't always easy and finding a way to talk about the hard things is essential. Yes, you're right...I need to find a way to assert myself and my needs bette. I get flashbacks from my marriage and I think that interferes with communication. When I was married my ex would pick fights and argue about the stupidest little things. It got so wearisome and it wore me out. There was no peace. I don't want to go down that road again in this new relationship. I feel like my new love interest is going to end up like they have all ended up and I feel used and misused and as long as I'm putting out they're happy. They don't have to support me financially either. I support myself and in most cases make more money than they do. I swear to god I think one of the big reasons my ex married me was partly because of my earning potential.
Zahara Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Well he's not exactly like my ex husband, but in regards to being inconsiderate of my time he is..he's quite a bit younger than my exH. And, better looking...he's a hotty...and you're right physical attraction is probably not enough. I'm really really attracted to him though. We're compatible in many ways, just not in managing my time. He’s not inconsiderate of your time, he’s inconsiderate of you. It sounds like he’s the kind that prioritizes himself and doesn’t really care to invest in you. You noted that he’s not interested in what’s going on with you. Those are red flags. I’ve been there with these types and they’re only in it for the superficial benefits. Anything deeper is too much effort and work. And if you’re tip toeing around him in fear of communicating your thoughts, that’s another red flag. It almost sounds like you’re afraid to push him away with your needs. If he’s interested in you and cares, he’ll embrace whatever it is you have to say and compromise and try to deliver. If he starts a fight, that’s a clear sign that he’s not wanting to be bothered by you or your needs. If you can overlook basic kindness and care because he’s hot, then have fun with this one. Other than that I don’t believe he has anymore depth in which to offer towards a mature, healthy and nurturing relationship.
Author MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 Thanks Zahara. What you say makes sense. As long as he gets his booty call on a regular basis he's pretty easy to be around. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it he gets down right cranky. I feel as though "getting along" with him totally hinges on the sex life. And that's wearisome. 1
Author MountainGirl111 Posted June 20, 2018 Author Posted June 20, 2018 You're right. He is inconsiderate of me. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to about what might be weighing heavily on my heart and mind. He's not into that. He only wants to talk about himself and what he's up to.
preraph Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 He thinks his needs are more important than yours, kind of narcissistic, but I imagine you let him get that way early on by being afraid to rock the boat and fear of it turning nasty. I don't know if you can turn it around. But you need to try. Always remember to bring things up when things are relaxed and not in the heat of the moment. Also always remember if he ever IS considerate, train him like a puppy and praise him for it: "Aw, you can be so sweet sometimes, kiss, kiss." It may be a long time before he does something nice in that direction though, just like with a feisty puppy, but wait for it, because timely praise does work on just about everyone and everything, far better than outright griping. For this to go forward though, he's got to respect if your energy level isn't what his is. Maybe you can flatter him by saying, Oh, I wish I had your energy. I'm just too tired to do anything right after work. Good luck. 1
Zahara Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Listen to that little voice inside you. It’s trying to stir you in the right direction. We often try to look past and most times tolerate what we know deep down inside is wrong for us because we think it’ll change, we’re overreacting, it’s not so bad, he’s sometimes nice, we don’t want to be alone, etc. The thing is, dating is like an interviewing process. If it doesn’t seem like it’s the right candidate, move on. When it makes you feel bad, it’s bad for you. You can give this another chance by talking to him and don’t be afraid to do so, but if it doesn’t change, move on. I think you already know the reality of your relationship with him.
Normm Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 Your boyfriend is clearly extremely selfish and you haven't seen all of it. People usually put their best foot forward at the start of a relationship which is where you're at right now. His best foot has fungus on it. It's not going to get better and it's most likely going to get a lot worse. 2
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