Thinking too much about this girl i dated

[warp123]

So heres the story:

 

I know this girl online.

 

Some weeks later: First time we are supposed to meet, she ghosts me, we didnt particularly set an hour and place, she just didnt reply that day. After this, in a polite way, i tell her that if she really wanted a "gentleman" she should act like a lady, i delete her from facebook and delete her phone number.

 

Not sure if at night or day after she texts me apologizing, says shes having a bad time at work, working longer shifts and extra days, but wants to meet.

 

So maybe 1 week or 10 days later we finally meet for dinner and a walk. We have a perfect date, good food, laughing, lots in common, smiling and staring into the eyes all the time, it felt magic. When i drop her at her home i give her a little gift that i got on a trip i made some days before and we kissed for a while. I was really excited about this girl and we agreed to meet again.

 

It was strange because when i got home checked the phone and she didnt say anything about the gift until i asked. She seemed to liked it (it was a cup) and she said she would remember me each time she drinked tea.

 

Two weeks pass, still no date. I always try to not speak much, so i talk one day a few lines and then i dont for a few days. I go to her workplace to drop some chocolates from her country that i put on a beautiful carton box. She misses her country so i was sure she would like the detail. But since i was scared that she felt stalked, i didnt want to give it in person, just leave it to a co-worker so she would receive it, i was scared she would see me around. Luckily she wasnt working that day, and her co-worker called her (she lives close) to pick up a present that "somebody dropped for her".

 

So hours later i get a text... "were you at my hotel?"

First thing i do is apologize if she felt stalked and promise that i would never go again. And her reply is "why are you apologizing? i was having an awful day and this was lovely".

 

I say "listen, if you ever want to meet again you have my number". I didnt want to chase her all the time or feel needy.

 

Hours later we have a long chat (which is strange with her as she seems to ignore the phone a lot)... says how much she wants to walk along the shore in the beach with me, under the moon... things like that, BUT doesnt set a date.

 

One week later she sets a day... i was so happy, finally! But 3 hours before the date time she says she feels very very sick, that theres many people sick at her workplace and we have to cancel the plans.

 

This was last saturday. I want to believe that she was actually sick and not playing games, because the few times that we text she is very warm with me, sends kiss emoticons (didnt do this before the first date) and looks like shes interested.

 

So heres the thing: she doesnt have much time and of top of that... since her last ex cheated on her, shes in the "i dont trust men" phase.

I feel like she wants to date me but isnt really in a hurry to meet men because she is afraid that she will be betrayed again. I think that by being patient i will earn her trust... i could put her aisde but to be honest i cant get her out of my head, i could meet others but dont feel like doing it, really like this one...

 

damn i hate this situation

Edited June 19, 2018 by warp123

[smackie9]

wow stop being so invested!! If you relaxed and continued to date other people while she made up her mind, you wouldn't be in this position.

 

 

 

If you do it right, you have a date and a time set up. If she can't make it, you leave it to her to contact you to reschedule. Then you ask someone else out, and keep your options open. No time wasted or fretting over someones flakiness. Plow though this with confidence. Being all goo over someone that doesn't make time for you is a waste no matter how much you like them...you are being a fool.

[warp123]

wow stop being so invested!! If you relaxed and continued to date other people while she made up her mind, you wouldn't be in this position.

 

 

 

If you do it right, you have a date and a time set up. If she can't make it, you leave it to her to contact you to reschedule. Then you ask someone else out, and keep your options open. No time wasted or fretting over someones flakiness. Plow though this with confidence.

 

I have other options, but this girl has all the marks on my check list, which i rarely find, the others dont. I feel shes the one. Anyways i dont go to dates for the sake of dating, only if im really attracted.

 

I have a hard time, because if she said shes not interested it would end quicker. The thing is she keeps telling me we should meet in a romantic date, but the WHEN is hard.

Edited June 19, 2018 by warp123

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Dude, quit turning this into more than it is!

Ask her out, not like she's busy with kids!

If she flakes on you, that's answer she gave,

Find a woman in which her dating is better behaved!

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop the gift giving. People don't get involved with others because of gifts ... and i'm including flowers, expensive dinners and the like. I HATE getting gifts from people I am only beginning to know. It's too preprogrammed.

 

No, your job right now is to let the relationship emerge. In fact, gift-giving early on can seem needy and desperate and obsessive.

 

You are enough for her ... or not enough ... Save gift giving for later in a relationship when you can actually give someone a gift tailored to their specific needs, hobbies and interests ...

 

She knows you like her. So stop giving gifts and let her take the next step.

 

Loose the gift-giving as a dating strategy for the future. It doesn't work. That's the movies, dude! ... You are the gift ... if you're not gift enough, the relationship will go nowhere.

 

That's the perspective you want. You're the gift.

[warp123]

Ask her out, not like she's busy with kids!

If she flakes on you, that's answer she gave,

Find a woman in which her dating is better behaved!

 

I have asked out. But she works extra days and hours (common in Spain). So maybe i text her, shes working, answers one line and nothing else for the rest of the day. Or maybe she will read but cannot reply and forget, then goes home late and has to wake up early in the morning again, by that time, i dont want to ask twice because it feels needy.

 

Every time she has set up a date was when i less expected it and didnt asked myself. I have to be patient and wait for the next proposal.

 

 

 

Stop the gift giving.

 

I know I wont conquer her by gifting things. Just wanted to place "reminders of me" at her house.

 

By now i guess ill have to be patient and earn her trust, i suppose that by the time she trusts me the dates will happen more often.

Edited June 20, 2018 by warp123

[warp123]

Updating:

 

Just found out she is new user on another dating site, this hurt me, i thought she was actually busy but it looks like shes just trying to meet other guys while im parked on the reserve.

 

I wrote her in a polite way that im uncomfortable asking to go out so much, she has read and didnt reply as usual but at this time she may be at work. I dont expect anything from this girl anymore, time to move on.

[smackie9]

Tip: make them earn your attention. If you have to chase that hard, dump them. It should be 50/50 interest.

[warp123]

Tip: make them earn your attention. If you have to chase that hard, dump them. It should be 50/50 interest.

 

How?

 

I have tried hot and cold (sometimes a whole week without texting)

I have tried saying goodbye

I have tried gifts that will make her remember me

I remember details that she didnt me to remember

 

So what am i supposed to draw attention over distance?

I wasnt simply the favorite from the beginning, and thats it.

Edited June 20, 2018 by warp123

[DrReplyInRhymes]

How?

 

I have tried hot and cold (sometimes a whole week without texting)

I have tried saying goodbye

I have tried gifts that will make her remember me

I remember details that she didnt me to remember

 

So what am i supposed to draw attention over distance?

I wasnt simply the favorite from the beginning, and thats it.

 

Find someone who is actually interested.

[lurker74]

How?

 

I have tried hot and cold (sometimes a whole week without texting)

I have tried saying goodbye

I have tried gifts that will make her remember me

I remember details that she didnt me to remember

 

So what am i supposed to draw attention over distance?

I wasnt simply the favorite from the beginning, and thats it.

 

Well, you could act like you are not overly invested until such time that she becomes more invested. You could mirror her interest both when you are apart and on a date. But I suspect that you are not a good actor so you have to go with Plan B:

 

DON'T BE SO INVESTED

 

People in general and women (typically) especially are not easily attracted to those that show great, unbalanced interest in them. There's a slightly misogynistic line that says the difference between creep and confident is if the woman is attracted to him. I don't think that's true. I think the difference is whether he is showing unbalance interest.

 

So how do you show a balanced amount of interest? Easy. Don't worry about if she's interested in you..don't try to guess it and don't try to buy it. Truly don't be interested in any one woman. That doesn't mean don't care about her or don't be interested in her. It means don't be solicitous. If she can make a date, great. If she cannot, feel free to tell her that's fine and move on. If anything, it will make her more attracted to you.

 

And drop the list of things that she checks. Who cares what's on your checklist? Certainly not her, but if she hits all those, you won't be able to maintain a mirrored interest level. There are two and only two things you need to check for when you are dating:

 

1) Are you attracted to her? and

2) Does spending time with her or talking to her bring you more joy than pain?

 

If the answer to BOTH of those items is "yes," then you ask for the time. When and if one of them becomes no, you move on. If you get to a serious point, understanding her life goals and values is important but not when you are just trying to get to know her.

 

So slow down. If you bring a gift, it better be funny more than it is thoughtful. Or better yet, just buy the drinks or dinner or movie. Feel free to tell her that you'd like to see her but don't worry if she says yes. And on those nights where she does say yes, don't ask her to let you kiss her...just kiss her. Trust me, if she doesn't want to be kissed, you'll know. And that kiss will be the confirmation or refutation of whether the night went as well as you thought.

 

That was a rambling answer but I think it gets you closer.

[smackie9]

If it doesn't work, then they were never interested...not enough for your time...know when to walk man.

[Lotsgoingon]

Warp, I feel the disappointment brother.

 

But ... here's what you can learn.

 

If a woman is interested in you (or go vice versa) she will make herself available. She will prioritize getting together with you. In the same way that YOU are prioritizing getting together with this woman.

 

Doesn't matter if the woman's world is crashing down upon her ... if she's interested, she will make it super clear that she wants to see you ... and you will know without a doubt what is getting in the way, down to the specific tasks that are blocking her from meeting you.

 

True story and extreme story ... My parents both died in the past ten years. Right around my mother's death, I was still talking to a woman I was interested in ... A thousand things to do when a parent dies ... funeral stuff ... obit stuff ... greet family members ... interact with a thousand people ... and just taking time to grieve. Totally busy ... You better believe I made time for the woman I was interested in ... Talked to her on the phone. I was into her, so I looked forward to the break of talking to her on the phone.

 

Here's what you wanna hear if someone is crushingly busy:

I got two things I can't get out of on X day and Y day. Z day I can't do because I'm subbing for someone at work. But how about we talk tomorrow and we get together on K day. I'm really looking forward to seeing you.

 

That's the reply you want. All other replies of busyness is just polite disinterest.

[TheFinalWord]

So heres the story:

 

I know this girl online.

 

Some weeks later: First time we are supposed to meet, she ghosts me, we didnt particularly set an hour and place, she just didnt reply that day. After this, in a polite way, i tell her that if she really wanted a "gentleman" she should act like a lady, i delete her from facebook and delete her phone number.

 

Not sure if at night or day after she texts me apologizing, says shes having a bad time at work, working longer shifts and extra days, but wants to meet.

 

So maybe 1 week or 10 days later we finally meet for dinner and a walk. We have a perfect date, good food, laughing, lots in common, smiling and staring into the eyes all the time, it felt magic. When i drop her at her home i give her a little gift that i got on a trip i made some days before and we kissed for a while. I was really excited about this girl and we agreed to meet again.

 

It was strange because when i got home checked the phone and she didnt say anything about the gift until i asked. She seemed to liked it (it was a cup) and she said she would remember me each time she drinked tea.

 

Two weeks pass, still no date. I always try to not speak much, so i talk one day a few lines and then i dont for a few days. I go to her workplace to drop some chocolates from her country that i put on a beautiful carton box. She misses her country so i was sure she would like the detail. But since i was scared that she felt stalked, i didnt want to give it in person, just leave it to a co-worker so she would receive it, i was scared she would see me around. Luckily she wasnt working that day, and her co-worker called her (she lives close) to pick up a present that "somebody dropped for her".

 

So hours later i get a text... "were you at my hotel?"

First thing i do is apologize if she felt stalked and promise that i would never go again. And her reply is "why are you apologizing? i was having an awful day and this was lovely".

 

I say "listen, if you ever want to meet again you have my number". I didnt want to chase her all the time or feel needy.

 

Hours later we have a long chat (which is strange with her as she seems to ignore the phone a lot)... says how much she wants to walk along the shore in the beach with me, under the moon... things like that, BUT doesnt set a date.

 

One week later she sets a day... i was so happy, finally! But 3 hours before the date time she says she feels very very sick, that theres many people sick at her workplace and we have to cancel the plans.

 

This was last saturday. I want to believe that she was actually sick and not playing games, because the few times that we text she is very warm with me, sends kiss emoticons (didnt do this before the first date) and looks like shes interested.

 

So heres the thing: she doesnt have much time and of top of that... since her last ex cheated on her, shes in the "i dont trust men" phase.

I feel like she wants to date me but isnt really in a hurry to meet men because she is afraid that she will be betrayed again. I think that by being patient i will earn her trust... i could put her aisde but to be honest i cant get her out of my head, i could meet others but dont feel like doing it, really like this one...

 

damn i hate this situation

 

 

My friend, you are way too thirsty.

 

Buying gifts, going to her work...what has she done to earn all these gifts?

 

I'm sorry, but you are coming across as way too invested early on. Women are bombarded by these types of men. It screams that you are a control freak. It seems you kind of know this, but keep thinking it will work anyway. You can't win a woman over with gifts.

 

She's blown you off multiple times, but like a white knight you are there to let her get away with disrespectful behavior. People make time for what's important for them. She checks her phone. Its just she has other things going on, and you aren't a priority. Plus you shouldn't have long text conversations anyway. Use texting to set a date, which BTW you as the guy should be doing. If she was interested, she would go out with you. The whole "I don't trust" is a BS reason to blow you off, or to string you along so you can be her backup in case she's bored and needs validation. She already knows she can have you anytime she wants, and she doesn't have to do anything to earn your attention. You're no challenge. I would consider this a lost cause. We've all been there so don't beat yourself up. But just move onto the next person. I would never contact her again.

[RideTheLightening]

Updating:

Just found out she is new user on another dating site, this hurt me, i thought she was actually busy but it looks like shes just trying to meet other guys while im parked on the reserve.

I wrote her in a polite way that im uncomfortable asking to go out so much, she has read and didnt reply as usual but at this time she may be at work. I dont expect anything from this girl anymore, time to move on.

 

This explains your other thread.

 

How you chase a woman is important. Gifts and overt displays of emotion are not good. Instead show her how great your life is and invite her to share brief moments of it with you. If she isn't interested in you at that point... leave it.

 

The truly sad thing is that as a man you have to harden yourself against rejection and never really emotionally invest in a woman. The problem comes that after dealing with so much rejection and learning to hold back... it can be very, very difficult to actually love a woman after all that. I mean here's the thing... once you get good at playing the game women require... then they all start to feel the same.

 

This is one thing I can promise you. No woman is fundamentally special... they are all replaceable. What makes one better than another is what she is willing to do for you.