Shining One Posted June 17, 2018 Posted June 17, 2018 Any halfway decent man knows by his early 30s if he wants kids or not. Only a real loser would tell a woman he wants kids when he really doesn't.As I mentioned earlier, six women I dated changed their minds from not wanting kids to wanting kids. Were they "real losers" who told me they don't want kids when they really did? Or did they change their minds? If it's possible for a woman to change her mind on this topic, why is it not possible for a man to change his mind? 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 17, 2018 Posted June 17, 2018 I agree with the others who say couples therapy is NOT the answer. Why not? Because you want 100 percent of what you want: a child! There is NO compromise ... and there shouldn't be. To go to therapy over this is already a compromise. You might want to go to individual therapy for yourself--to increase your strength and confidence. But couples counseling? There is no way to split the difference on having children ... no way to recognize each other's needs. No! And frankly, you don't want to have a child with someone who is ambivalent about having a child ... Guess who's gonna get blamed when family life becomes stressed? 2
stillafool Posted June 18, 2018 Posted June 18, 2018 As I mentioned earlier, six women I dated changed their minds from not wanting kids to wanting kids. Were they "real losers" who told me they don't want kids when they really did? Or did they change their minds? If it's possible for a woman to change her mind on this topic, why is it not possible for a man to change his mind? Yeah I've know plenty of my friends who changed their minds about having babies also. When we were all in our 20s a lot us said we weren't going to have babies and out of about 6 or 7 of us only 2 of us in the end still didn't want them. One being me and I'm still happy I didn't. Once the others hit their 30s baby fever struck them. 2
stillafool Posted June 18, 2018 Posted June 18, 2018 I agree with the others who say couples therapy is NOT the answer. Why not? Because you want 100 percent of what you want: a child! There is NO compromise ... and there shouldn't be. To go to therapy over this is already a compromise. You might want to go to individual therapy for yourself--to increase your strength and confidence. But couples counseling? There is no way to split the difference on having children ... no way to recognize each other's needs. No! And frankly, you don't want to have a child with someone who is ambivalent about having a child ... Guess who's gonna get blamed when family life becomes stressed? I completely agree with this. The husband should want the baby just as much as the wife. Like I said earlier OP, you've only been with your bf 6 months and he will be a lot easier to get over than trying to get over never having the child you wanted.
guest569 Posted June 18, 2018 Posted June 18, 2018 I’d give the therapy a shot if you really really like him. It seems odd that he said yes, no and now maybe. What is his deal? A professional might help you both communicate what you want and what your concerns are. At least then you can make a more informed decision knowing where he is at.
No_Go Posted June 18, 2018 Posted June 18, 2018 Maybe they were. It's easy to tell. If you're talking established middle aged person (30+) and they suddenly change their mind, it's HIGHLY unlikely that they changed their mind - they changed the narrative *for you*. Men usually err on the side they want kids (when they really don't) and women - they don't want them (when they really do). If you're talking about a person in their teens or 20s - yup, high probability to change their mind from not wanting them to wanting them when the clock starts ticking loud The reverse - want to not want them usually happens when the circumstances do not allow it to happen - i.e. infertility or lack or stable partner or financial hurdles. But that's what is called sour grapes As I mentioned earlier, six women I dated changed their minds from not wanting kids to wanting kids. Were they "real losers" who told me they don't want kids when they really did? Or did they change their minds? If it's possible for a woman to change her mind on this topic, why is it not possible for a man to change his mind?
Author 1Jessie86 Posted June 19, 2018 Author Posted June 19, 2018 Thank you all for your opinions/comments. You helped me talk through this issue with my boyfriend. All is well for now. It seemed to be a miscommunication issue from the start. 1
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 Thank you all for your opinions/comments. You helped me talk through this issue with my boyfriend. All is well for now. It seemed to be a miscommunication issue from the start. Would you please give us more details. When people take time to invest in a thread, often more than once, it's nice to know the conclusion. 2
Normm Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 Smart guy not wanting kids. We make such sacrifices for our children, spend countless amounts of money, limit our own experiences, only to have them turn around when they get to their teenage years and gives us nothing but selfishness and attitude. Also there's too many people in this world, which shows this in the form of pollution, depletion of natural resources, global warming, etc. If you persist in adding to the carnage then find someone with the same goal. 2
kendahke Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 (edited) Talking about this sort of thing is definitely not my strong suit as I struggle to open up. We're considering therapy now. Communication is one of the most important things between two people in a relationship. If you can't/won't open up with the one person you should be doing this with, then children or no children, this relationship is doomed. In fact, you have to put your shoulder to the sled and push when it comes to talking about things you find unpleasant--like your hopes of him fathering your children--because issues like this should never be left to assumptions, speculation, laziness or fear of hearing something you don't want to hear---avoiding it doesn't make it go away. It just makes it more painful for you because you refused to see what was in front of you. Your inability to open up should have been addressed in therapy before you got a boyfriend so that you knew exactly how to navigate the shutting down/being incommunicado when it rears its ugly face. You cannot go through a relationship thinking it's OK to never open up---that leads to assuming (which has gone on here) and misunderstanding. You also need to get it squared in your mind that this guy, while he may have said what he said to get you in a relationship, is not ready right now or in the near future to have children---with you. And unless he's 100% down for children in the near future, he needs to quit having sex with you because an oopsy baby is not fair to either the one not wanting children (since this isn't a surprise and you know this) or the child. All children deserve two parents who want them more than the next breath they take. And for the record, he is just as allowed to change his mind on this as you are about any bottom line life issue. You aren't married and there is time to turn your "I want a baby soon" boat around before you run it aground trying to stay with him. You are allowed to end your relationship and find a man who wants babies in the near future. They are out there. This guy isn't one of them and you need to recognize that. Edited June 19, 2018 by kendahke 1
stillafool Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 Would you please give us more details. When people take time to invest in a thread, often more than once, it's nice to know the conclusion. Yes, or otherwise we just think you're lying. 1
Normm Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 When people take time to invest in a thread, often more than once, it's nice to know the conclusion. How often does THAT happen. Almost never. Person posts a thread, gets advice, they either take it or refute it, the problem is either fixed (unlikely) or not, and they don't return and you never get any sort of conclusion. 1
kendahke Posted June 19, 2018 Posted June 19, 2018 It's another matter if he figures out he doesn't want kids with her. But he shouldn't have moved in with her if he had any doubt about that. Ruby hit the nail on the head here. So his "on his best behavior" representative told you one thing for the first couple of months of this relationship, but now at the 6 month mark, the real him has told you something different. Now that the real him is here, he's changed his mind on how he sees you and his future. Not wanting children with you pretty much tells you where he intends on getting off this ride. How much longer is he going to say one thing, but believe/want something completely different? Right now, you can toss this dude out and get about the business of finding someone who wants children. 3
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