What are the signs of someone about to Ghost?

[jjb117]

I ask mainly because I feel as if i'm about to be ghosted.

 

Have been dating this girl I met for about a month, things have been going smoothly up until this last week. We would talk & text everyday, then out of nowhere she took longer to reply - still would reply but just took longer. I also had the vibe she felt a bit disinterested during our conversations. They weren't bad, just not the same.

 

So I tried to think of a reason why she felt this way, and then I thought I figured it out. Her cousin was rushed to the Hospital this last Tuesday. So yesterday night (Thursday) I messaged her saying "Hey, just wanted to know how you and your cousin were doing. This is a difficult time so I will support you or give you space. Whichever suits you best." Or at least something a long those lines.

 

This was on snapchat. And right after I sent that message, she posted a Story of herself with a corona (she tends to have a beer after work with her friends). Up until 4 AM, she finally saw the message but chose not to respond.

 

My cousin says I should feel disrespected, and to be honest I kind of am but maybe this is her way of wanting space. I'm not sure how to react appropriately. We have plans for Monday but now I don't even know if they are going to happen. I might have screwed myself over but I only did it because I wanted to know if she was okay.

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 15, 2018 by jjb117

[frigginlost]

I ask mainly because I feel as if i'm about to be ghosted.

 

Have been dating this girl I met for about a month, things have been going smoothly up until this last week. We would talk & text everyday, then out of nowhere she took longer to reply - still would reply but just took longer. I also had the vibe she felt a bit disinterested during our conversations. They weren't bad, just not the same.

 

So I tried to think of a reason why she felt this way, and then I thought I figured it out. Her cousin was rushed to the Hospital this last Tuesday. So yesterday night (Thursday) I messaged her saying "Hey, just wanted to know how you and your cousin were doing. This is a difficult time so I will support you or give you space. Whichever suits you best." Or at least something a long those lines.

 

This was on snapchat. And right after I sent that message, she posted a Story of herself with a corona (she tends to have a beer after work with her friends). Up until 4 AM, she finally saw the message but chose not to respond.

 

My cousin says I should feel disrespected, and to be honest I kind of am but maybe this is her way of wanting space. I'm not sure how to react appropriately. We have plans for Monday but now I don't even know if they are going to happen. I might have screwed myself over but I only did it because I wanted to know if she was okay.

 

Thoughts?

 

You handled everything fine. It showed you care. Don't stress about it.

 

I would be a little miffed that she didn't reply, but maybe she's just processing everything the way she is used to.

 

As far as the meetup, just stay quiet until Sunday and then text her asking her if it is still a go. If she does not answer, or flakes on the get together, next her and go find someone else.

[jjb117]

You handled everything fine. It showed you care. Don't stress about it.

 

I would be a little miffed that she didn't reply, but maybe she's just processing everything the way she is used to.

 

As far as the meetup, just stay quiet until Sunday and then text her asking her if it is still a go. If she does not answer, or flakes on the get together, next her and go find someone else.

 

She did tell me on the first date that when things go sour (during conflict) she notices that she does "hide" from her problems at times - so maybe I should take that into account.

 

I'll try not to think to much about it when going out tonight or tomorrow - but I really would like to know if she's doing okay.

 

I'll stay low, and if our plans go sour for Monday then I'll just have to let her go unfortunately.

[Gaeta]

I would be offended as well if I had sent a concerned message to someone and they'd ignored it and then I'd see them partying.

 

Why was her cousin rushed to the hospital? Is this someone she is closed to?

 

So here's the deal. You've only been dating a month, that's a drop in the ocean, it's possible she is about to ghost you and many more will, it seems to be the norm nowadays when they want to move on. Take your distance, do not contact her anymore.

 

This shows you her character and is this really the type of person you want to date?

 

Why are your dates on weekday evenings and not weekends?

[Versacehottie]

She sounds a little immature. Kinda rude and self-absorbed not to reply to a message like the one you sent showing concern. The fact that she "warned" you in advance is not a hall pass to act like a sh*thead.

 

Anyway, I totally agree to do exactly what frigginlost said, that is the right course of action. In other words, give her a bit of the benefit of doubt & some space. i.e. you offered it but not replying that she was going to take it & give you some clue of what is going on, is selfish IMO but at the moment, it's early days so you still each are figuring each other out. (tbh, you should not "worry" about being ghosted which suggests already that you may be a touch clingy or too nice; if she is not up to matching your level of respect, she doesn't deserve you and you would be good to be rid of her). Good luck

[jjb117]

I would be offended as well if I had sent a concerned message to someone and they'd ignored it and then I'd see them partying.

 

Why was her cousin rushed to the hospital? Is this someone she is closed to?

 

So here's the deal. You've only been dating a month, that's a drop in the ocean, it's possible she is about to ghost you and many more will, it seems to be the norm nowadays when they want to move on. Take your distance, do not contact her anymore.

 

This shows you her character and is this really the type of person you want to date?

 

Why are your dates on weekday evenings and not weekends?

 

She works a lot - typically 16 hour shifts. She picked up a second job so our last few dates have been on the weekdays.

 

Like our dates have been great. First date we went out to eat somewhere really nice, had gelato, went to the beach, had a great conversation laying down underneath the stars, then had sex

 

Next date, we went to a baseball game. It was her first time so I wanted it to be special. We spent most of the day together. Said she really enjoyed it, would want to go to another one.

 

Then after picking up her second job, we've only gone out to eat and then go somewhere to talk. No sex - just making out.

 

Like she's working right at this very moment even though she had a beer last night.

 

Lastly, on Monday, her and her family are going to see her cousin at the hospital. So even though I never explicitly asked what happened to her, one can only assume it's serious. Considering she is still there.

 

Before this week everything has been smooth sailing so all I can do at this point is wait.

[hgriffin17]

Some girl's just need that space.

 

Give her some time to miss you. I fail to do that myself at times since I want to be prince charmimg and be there for her but she's an adult to, living her life. You need to live yours.

 

Take a break and see what happens. I hope she gets back to you, a month of dating is still a long time to invest in someone. If not, then yeah you must let go.

 

Also, forget about the snap streak, if you have one. Forget if she doesn't get back to you today. Go have fun this weekend, and live our your summer as best as possible. You will be fine with her, but more importantly you will be fine without her.

[Sunlight72]

I've got a different feeling.

 

I think you're being pretty self-centered.

 

 

She has other things happening in her life than just you, as she should. As you should.

 

 

What did she do with her spare hours before she met you one month ago? Well, those things she did, and people she spent time with are still important to her, and she cut some of them back, or cut them out of her life for a few weeks to make time to spend with you.

 

Now she's had a family moment come up, and is spending a little time with her family, and yes, with her friends she's known for many YEARS.

 

I'd suggest you get a little busier with your own friends/family/work and let her have a little time for contact with family/friends and to work, and maybe, even to get some sleep.

 

In one month, she does not owe you anything. Don't chew on it so much. Don't make her start to feel she 'has to check in' with you after barely knowing you a month. That's not nice of you.

 

I say this as a man who has to work hard to break a bad habit of suffocating the joy out of a relationship. Don't do it.

[jjb117]

So she responded by snapping me a picture.

 

The problem is the picture had no correlation to what I had said.

 

Should I,

 

A) dismiss it and snap back

B) dismiss it and not snap back

C) Delete her off of everything

 

Currently watching Spain vs Portugal lol

[jjb117]

I've got a different feeling.

 

I think you're being pretty self-centered.

 

 

She has other things happening in her life than just you, as she should. As you should.

 

 

What did she do with her spare hours before she met you one month ago? Well, those things she did, and people she spent time with are still important to her, and she cut some of them back, or cut them out of her life for a few weeks to make time to spend with you.

 

Now she's had a family moment come up, and is spending a little time with her family, and yes, with her friends she's known for many YEARS.

 

I'd suggest you get a little busier with your own friends/family/work and let her have a little time for contact with family/friends and to work, and maybe, even to get some sleep.

 

In one month, she does not owe you anything. Don't chew on it so much. Don't make her start to feel she 'has to check in' with you after barely knowing you a month. That's not nice of you.

 

I say this as a man who has to work hard to break a bad habit of suffocating the joy out of a relationship. Don't do it.

 

 

So how do you feel I should handle this? As in, moving forward?

 

You're right - she doesn't owe me anything. No one does.

[frigginlost]

So she responded by snapping me a picture.

 

The problem is the picture had no correlation to what I had said.

 

Should I,

 

A) dismiss it and snap back

B) dismiss it and not snap back

C) Delete her off of everything

 

Currently watching Spain vs Portugal lol

 

Okay, so she's letting you know what's up with her. Cool. Her not bringing anything up about your previous text tells me she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Snap if you want, don't if you don't. It's really that simple. Stop analyzing. It leads to being clingy, and that's not cool...

 

Do not go with "C"...

[Gaeta]

Snap? ....don't people talk anymore?

 

 

 

What is your age difference? It feels like she's 16.

[jjb117]

Okay, so she's letting you know what's up with her. Cool. Her not bringing anything up about your previous text tells me she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Snap if you want, don't if you don't. It's really that simple. Stop analyzing. It leads to being clingy, and that's not cool...

 

Do not go with "C"...

 

I just sent her a little video of Cristiano Ronaldo's freekick against spain.

 

No caption, just the video.

 

I don't expect a response - but I gotta say it was an amazing goal

[jjb117]

Snap? ....don't people talk anymore?

 

 

 

What is your age difference? It feels like she's 16.

 

I'm 21, she's 19.

 

I'm sure you've heard of snapchat. It could either be an exchange of photos/videos, exchange of messages, or a photo with a caption.

 

Am I a fan of it? No, I would rather talk over the phone. Mainly because i'm a lot goofier and funnier over the phone - whereas texting doesn't elicit the same response.

 

That's what i've noticed with the people I have had flings with (that range from a month to three) and from my ex. Whenever i'm with whoever i'm dating, it's wonderful. But if there comes a time where we must text in between dates, like if the relationship needs to go long distance - it almost always ends up with me being alone.

[Gaeta]

I'm 21, she's 19.

 

I'm sure you've heard of snapchat. It could either be an exchange of photos/videos, exchange of messages, or a photo with a caption.

 

Am I a fan of it? No, I would rather talk over the phone. Mainly because i'm a lot goofier and funnier over the phone - whereas texting doesn't elicit the same response.

 

That's what i've noticed with the people I have had flings with (that range from a month to three) and from my ex. Whenever i'm with whoever i'm dating, it's wonderful. But if there comes a time where we must text in between dates, like if the relationship needs to go long distance - it almost always ends up with me being alone.

 

 

Yes I know snapchat :-)

 

 

So she sent you a picture, she probably sent the same picture to 100 other people. She is putting the minimum of efforts here, not even willing to text you or send a message with that snapchat. She is seeking attention, nothing else. Someone that cared and is interested would have ask how you are and what you're up to.

 

 

 

You sound a mature and grounded young man, ever thought of dating women a little older than you like 23-25 yo?

[jjb117]

Yes I know snapchat :-)

 

 

So she sent you a picture, she probably sent the same picture to 100 other people. She is putting the minimum of efforts here, not even willing to text you or send a message with that snapchat. She is seeking attention, nothing else. Someone that cared and is interested would have ask how you are and what you're up to.

 

 

 

You sound a mature and grounded young man, ever thought of dating women a little older than you like 23-25 yo?

 

Thank you I went on a date once with a 27 year old. I had a great time but there was no "spark." Other than that, I've always stayed within my age due to being in college. But maybe i'll change it up a bit.

 

The reason I just don't understand this behavior is because she was not like this before. Up until around monday/tuesday of this week, I noticed a shift. But i'll see what happens.

 

Not sure if I should message her Sunday night and ask if she's still willing to meet on Monday. I usually don't - mainly because I just assume if she doesn't want to go she'll tell me beforehand but i'm not even sure she'll do that.

[Gaeta]

The reason I just don't understand this behavior is because she was not like this before. Up until around monday/tuesday of this week, I noticed a shift. But i'll see what happens.

 

 

Often, when someone makes an 'all of a sudden' turn around it's because they got interested in someone else.

 

Remember you've just dated 1 month. You don't really know her. Maybe she's done that to tons of guys.

 

 

.

[jjb117]

Often, when someone makes an 'all of a sudden' turn around it's because they got interested in someone else.

 

Remember you've just dated 1 month. You don't really know her. Maybe she's done that to tons of guys.

 

 

.

 

My friends say it's because she's 4 months out of a year and half long relationship - and she needs a bit of space because she might feel overwhelmed.

 

They may be right, but my gut agrees with you. I do feel she's seeing someone else.

 

Though we have been dating for just one month, we have been talking for two and a half months. But i'm not sure if there's much merit in that statement.

 

Nonetheless, thank you for quickly responding! It surely makes me feel better to just write all my feelings out.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you I went on a date once with a 27 year old. I had a great time but there was no "spark." Other than that, I've always stayed within my age due to being in college. But maybe i'll change it up a bit.

 

The reason I just don't understand this behavior is because she was not like this before. Up until around monday/tuesday of this week, I noticed a shift. But i'll see what happens.

 

Not sure if I should message her Sunday night and ask if she's still willing to meet on Monday. I usually don't - mainly because I just assume if she doesn't want to go she'll tell me beforehand but i'm not even sure she'll do that.

 

Um, "willing". Heck, no! You are door matting yourself. Take your level of investment down a notch and level of power & self confidence up a few notches. Willing implies a task, an obligation! you need to shift your brain. You are already treating yourself as if you are "less than" and lucky to still be in this with her. There is some clinginess, door maty stuff there for sure on your end. I agree with what friggin lost said to do either A or B. Since you chose B, let her make the next contact and maybe don't reply next time. Definitely don't go all emo and delete her on everything. Unnecessary and even if you lose her, you want to go out with dignity where she will be wondering if she lost a prize. In my own 19 year old experience, she is liable to come back around again--provided you don't do something that has her losing attraction to you, like being super sensitive or clingy. You need to command some more respect. Give her what she gives you, i.e. just meet her level. If it's low, give her low level interest, perhaps move on.

 

I do agree with sunlight that she had a life before and of course summer is just starting so she is in another frame of mind. With everything going on with her cousin, she could be feeling nostalgic for her ex-bf or even back in contact with him or someone else now that school is on a break. Stay steady but not clingy. Act at your most confident--like why else wouldn't she want to be with you? Its your best chance. And don't fawn over her too much. If her snaps are nonsense, then reply to some but not all. I'm going to assume they are light-hearted and silly well then respond in kind. She sounds like she is not quite open for serious stuff at the moment--even if it is a showing of concern. I definitely respect people more (and notice same done to me) who if rebuffed don't continually send out love, concern, etc. She pulls back, so you pull back. Good luck

[Gaeta]

My friends say it's because she's 4 months out of a year and half long relationship - and she needs a bit of space because she might feel overwhelmed.

 

Though we have been dating for just one month, we have been talking for two and a half months. But i'm not sure if there's much merit in that statement..

 

 

That is a very important piece of information. So you started talking she was 2 months out of a 1,5 year relationship.

 

 

 

It sounds more and more like you're just a distraction to this girl. You should definitely continue dating others.

[alphamale]

the first sign of being "ghosted" is that you will start to see through them for short period of time. later on it will look like their body is covered with a white sheet that has two holes for eyes.

[kendahke]

The only thing I see is that she saw your message at 4am and didn't respond. She probably thought you were knocked out. I really don't see anything sinister in what she's doing.

 

There has to be more going on to make you leap to the conclusion that she's ghosting at this point other than your or cousin's paranoia.

 

You're already devoted to her?

[jjb117]

Um, "willing". Heck, no! You are door matting yourself. Take your level of investment down a notch and level of power & self confidence up a few notches. Willing implies a task, an obligation! you need to shift your brain. You are already treating yourself as if you are "less than" and lucky to still be in this with her. There is some clinginess, door maty stuff there for sure on your end. I agree with what friggin lost said to do either A or B. Since you chose B, let her make the next contact and maybe don't reply next time. Definitely don't go all emo and delete her on everything. Unnecessary and even if you lose her, you want to go out with dignity where she will be wondering if she lost a prize. In my own 19 year old experience, she is liable to come back around again--provided you don't do something that has her losing attraction to you, like being super sensitive or clingy. You need to command some more respect. Give her what she gives you, i.e. just meet her level. If it's low, give her low level interest, perhaps move on.

 

I do agree with sunlight that she had a life before and of course summer is just starting so she is in another frame of mind. With everything going on with her cousin, she could be feeling nostalgic for her ex-bf or even back in contact with him or someone else now that school is on a break. Stay steady but not clingy. Act at your most confident--like why else wouldn't she want to be with you? Its your best chance. And don't fawn over her too much. If her snaps are nonsense, then reply to some but not all. I'm going to assume they are light-hearted and silly well then respond in kind. She sounds like she is not quite open for serious stuff at the moment--even if it is a showing of concern. I definitely respect people more (and notice same done to me) who if rebuffed don't continually send out love, concern, etc. She pulls back, so you pull back. Good luck

 

 

Probably the best advice I could have ever received. Thank you. Things have been a lot smoother since. We're talking a lot more now, so I guess it was simply a subject she didn't want to discuss.

[jjb117]

The only thing I see is that she saw your message at 4am and didn't respond. She probably thought you were knocked out. I really don't see anything sinister in what she's doing.

 

There has to be more going on to make you leap to the conclusion that she's ghosting at this point other than your or cousin's paranoia.

 

You're already devoted to her?

 

I've been ghosted before after seeing someone for a month and a half (two to three times a week) so I just don't want that to happen again.

[Versacehottie]

I've been ghosted before after seeing someone for a month and a half (two to three times a week) so I just don't want that to happen again.

 

Thanks glad you found what i said helpful (which to be honest was echo'ing what some of the other people on this thread said too so thanks to them as well!).

 

Ok, glad things are going better however, your statement above lets us know more. You are perhaps acting out of fear, worried that being ghosted will happen again therefore it is likely to be coloring your own behavior in a bad way. You could be acting clingy and desperately trying to hold onto her for FEAR of this happening again rather than just taking your relationship with her on a clean slate and not bringing your past baggage into it. Some people run with fear others clutch on tighter--I hope you can see that typically both of those approaches fail in getting what you are so desperate to have happen (her stay in relationship with you) to happen. At the very least, even if you are covering it, you become overly sensitive and almost jumpy about every little nuance and start overthinking innocuous things, which again will color future statements and actions on your part, often causing EXACTLY what you are trying to avoid.

 

The point is you can only control your end. You need to make peace with the fact that things might not work out with her (let's face it as young college students that is a very likely possibility). However, to avoid feeling like a failure, you need to learn how to put your best effort in and let the outcome be what it will and characterize past events differently (like learning experiences or not strictly your fault). Also if someone is not "right" for you or is not happy or appreciative of you as you are, is it the worst thing in the world or even a bad thing IF they go away???? Nah.

 

So basically you want to be your best you, feel confident that you are showing and doing your best at the level where you are at, i.e. not smothering/overdoing it and let the chips fall where they may. The best way to do this is be confident, not clingy, have your own activities, err on side--in your case that you may be expecting too much--and back off a little bit; stop your anxiety of needing to have an answer of "where is this going"--you will be rushing and pushing unnecessarily mainly to ease your running mind--all bad. So you need things to distract you from what is going on with this girl and the knowledge (which i promise you it will) that life will be fine with or without her.

 

Break your thought process into smaller chunks--rather than thinking about a possible breakup that is months, weeks or years in the future, worry about today, this few hours. This will help you manage a tendency to be fearful & thus clingy or sensitive much better. You know how you were breezy & funny talking about the soccer match--be much more of that guy. Don't think she is ready for the heavy stuff and it is not furthering your cause of locking her down and if anything will only push her away at this point rather than draw her in. Particularly with guys, the need for reassurance is something that lots of girls do not find attractive.

 

And whenever i say this on here, some of the people who do this assure me that they are hiding it-- I promise in the little ways, you are not hiding it. 70% of communication is non-verbal & it will come out in the way your phrase things and the types of communication you have with her & the subsequent communication after hours of overthinking--it all dings your confidence and stops you from giving your best. *sidenote: by giving your best, i don't mean being a loving, kind giving, over gushing, pandering boyfriend; i mean being your ideal self, like the best most confident you who is supremely attractive to this person, many girls (not cocky but self-assured in the way that is you). Do that, strive for that. good luck.