Has my ex really moved on? (Long story)

[MissLoveless]

Hi, everyone.

 

Back story: My ex and I were together for 5 years. Lived together including my dog. We broke up, because he accused me of having an affair with one of my instructors from the university I attend. He harassed this instructor, resulting in me needing counseling, because I was threatened as well and was forced to never speak to this instructor again. I fell into deep depression. I was advised by the police to file a restraining order against him, because he continued to make threats. I moved out and couldn't take my dog with me, because I moved to my family's new home. When my ex found out about the possible restraining order, he threatened to kill me, hurt my dog, and burn my family's house down. I believed his threats, so I did NOT go through with the restraining order. However, I remained in contact with him for the sake of my dog.

 

Present: After a year of being broken up, he was still in constant contact with me. Pleading, crying, and begging me to go back. He insisted that he still loved, missed, and cared for me. Three weeks ago, he sent me a routine “check-in” text saying he hates that he doesn’t know what goes on in my life and that he wishes I would talk to him more. He said he never stopped loving me and that it pains him to be without me and he’d rather be dead than be with someone new. We talked a little about it. 6 days later I found out he’s in a relationship! We’re still friends on social media and that’s how I saw his new relationship status. I felt hurt, used, and confused about the whole thing. How could he just spring this on me after everything that happened? I mean, he just text me 6 days prior that he loved me and was still crying over me. I know he’s my ex and I have no say so over who he dates, but we were both, to my knowledge, single and not interested in dating anyone else yet, because we weren’t emotionally ready.

 

I let some days go by to see if it was just a joke. Nope. It was real. Before finding this out, I was just gaining my confidence back and was happy. But when I learned about this new relationship, I felt like I was dropped hard on the ground and shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces. I felt like we just broke up or I was cheated on. This was harder than the real breakup itself! My mind was running wild. Who was this new woman? What’s so special about her? Is she prettier or smarter than me? I fell into the cycle lurking her Facebook page. She was constantly and obsessively tagging him in posts. He hasn’t posted anything himself, its all just tagged posts. She is not very attractive at all, but maybe she’s got a good personality? My ex was never too fond of children and she has three small children - one is a newborn and the others are toddlers. She puts my ex above her children, so, no, she’s not very smart. My ex commented on her post that he’s so proud of her for starting beauty school, yet I graduated last month from a university and he wasn’t proud? If anything, he was not supportive at all when I told him I wanted to go back to school. He was still my boyfriend at the time. He said if I went back to school I would find another man and leave him or that when I got my degree, I would get a good career and leave him for someone else with a career.

 

It’s only been two weeks and they’re telling each other “I love you”. Because of this, I decided that I can no longer put myself through that torture and lurk. I decided to send him a text congratulating him on finding new love, because I know he said he’d rather die than be with anyone else again. As someone who suffers from depression, I know the importance of happiness. I also asked about my dog. I asked if this meant I could no longer see him. He said of course that’s not what that meant. He said he wondered if I was jealous of his new relationship. I said no. He said he still thought I was intelligent, beautiful, sexy, and fun with a bright future ahead of me. He also said he never stopped loving me, but that he can only care about me as a friend now.

 

Everything was going well in the conversation until I made the mistake of telling him I thought he was rushing into it and that I would never EVER guess that he would go for someone like her. I found out why though, apparently, she gives him money and bought him a car, since he doesn’t have a job and totaled his car about a year ago. He got upset saying I was making parting shots and we ended the conversation. A week later (Tuesday), I sent him a text that was short and to the point about what day I wanted to go by and drop off stuff for my dog and say goodbye. He never texted me back. He's never ignored my text before. I get it, he’s in a relationship now. But, if he’s so in love, secure in his relationship, said he can only care for me as a friend now, then why is he neglecting me from seeing my dog? Why is he playing these games? He promised me that no matter what, I would always be able to visit the dog. What’s really going on?

Edited June 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting issues ~T

[ExpatInItaly]

What's really going on is that you are still stuck in this cycle of manipulation with an unstable, abusive man. And mentally unstable, abusive people behave exactly as he's behaving now. It's not about you or her, what their relaitonship is like, and how pretty either of you are. It's about him and his controlling and abusive character.

 

He is awful and a threat to your well-being. It is high time you kick this person out of your life and get yourself some help so you can truly heal and avoid winding up with a low-life like him again. You need to stop allowing him to jerk you around. He hasn't changed a bit and he's wanting to make sure he can still control and manipulate you. Block him in every way possible. Please tell someone you trust what is going on, because you don't seem to see how dysfunctional and harmful this is to you.

[Zahara]

I would suggest you come to terms that the dog can no longer be in your life. And while you may love the dog, stop using it as a connection to him -- a connection that you seem to want to maintain. It needs to be completely severed.

 

The man is an abuser. He's mentally unstable. He threatened to kill you and burn your family's home -- why have you been in contact with him? It is evident that you're in a mindset of a victim of abuse. The abuser that slaps you and you respond that it wasn't that bad.

 

You should be thanking your lucky stars he's onto another woman, who is possibly going to endure the same abusive nature you once did. You didn't lose a prize here. If anything you should feel sorry for her.

 

Cut contact with him and move on from this. Start a new chapter in your life.

[MissLoveless]

Thank you both for replying.

 

I guess it's just hard to move on when I sacrificed so much to keep my dog in my life. Even when I moved out I would visit the dog and bring him food, treats, and toys. But my ex would always try to talk to me when I was there (I would stay outside) and try to make moves on me. Eventually, I stopped going around. I missed my dog so much, because it has been 6-7 months since I have gone to see him. I avoided it, because I did not want to be around my ex. I feel like I could not let go of my ex for a long time, because I had invested so much time in him. At one point in time, he was my only friend, because he had succeeded at isolating me away from friends and family.

 

We wouldn't go out very much after about the 2nd year of our relationship, because he would not know how to act right (always trying to argue with me, start a fight with me or others around us). He didn't like when I would want to spend time with family or people I met at school or work unless he came along, but of course he never wanted to come. We were late to my own grandfather's funeral, because my ex wanted to smoke weed before going and he left early, leaving me stranded there so he could go play poker.

 

In 2015 I just could not take being with him anymore. He was always bitter, jealous, controlling, and not supportive of me at all. We would always argue, because he would lie to me about his addiction to pills and idk what other drugs. He totaled 3 cars in about 2-3 years, because he would be nodding out at the wheel from being so high. I wanted to go to the gym at school and he said I wanted to workout alone so I could find another man. Finally, September 2015 I broke it off. I met someone new at school and he was amazing! My ex said if I did not get back with him, then I could never see my dog again. I still didn't choose him.

 

 

Thanksgiving 2015, my cousin died in a horrible car accident. It really messed me up. I was vulnerable and missed my dog and my ex. So, I broke it off with the new guy and returned to my ex. He promised he had changed. He said he was no longer doing drugs and was looking for a job. That did NOT last very long. I met the instructor January 2016 and that's when the accusations began. I thought it was my karma since I'm the one who dated the other guy briefly a few months back, BUT my ex did not know about that guy, because I was afraid of what he would do to us if he found out. The relationship with my ex continued and I was NOT happy at all. He continued to sext other girls, take his pills, nod out while driving, argue with me, call me and yell at me for hours on the phone. If I hung up, he'd keep calling or show up at my school or job. This went on until the end of 2016 when I started distancing myself even more. The more I distanced myself, the crazier he got. Until one day he finally exploded and harassed the instructor causing so many problems for me at school. That also brought on a very deep depression and anxiety for me.

 

I moved out and completely cut him off after that. But he would call me nonstop and text me. Threatening that he would continue to harass my instructor or hurt him if I didn't reply. So I finally did. He was still angry, but claimed to have changed and was apologetic. But said would still show his anger. So I talked to the police at school, because I was afraid of him showing up there. They said I should file a restraining order. I told them that if I did that he would kill me. Literally. Sure enough, when he learned about it he said he would kill me along with the threats of burning the house. He said he had nothing to lose anyway.

 

This is why I also worry about the new girl. She has a newborn and two toddlers around this guy. (Sometimes she leaves them at home while she spends all her free time with my ex). He has a prison record, no job, drug problem, anger issues, and much more. Yet she puts him above her children, because she thinks he's this amazing guy. Just like I once did. Which I understand, because he is there for you, the sex is great, he compliments you, and acts like your best friend. But that doesn't last long and it's not worth the bad side of him.

 

I was moving on just fine before learning about his new relationship. I was finally happy again, hanging out with my friends again, working out, making career goals. But after this, I can't seem to let go, and I do not know why. I wish there was a way to bring my dog back and for me to just let my ex go. I think it'd be easier for me. I have recently joined a depression support group and it seems a little helpful. Next year, I plan on moving 3 hours away for law school. I wanted to tell him that so he could let me see my dog at least one last time, but I doubt that will change things. I told him he doesn't need to be there when I drop the stuff off and say goodbye to my poor dog. But he still hasn't replied to that one text I sent a couple days ago. And I doubt I will ever hear from him again. I guess I do have to face it and know that I will never see my poor dog again. He's innocent in all this. It just really hurts that bad people always seem to win. My heart is so broken.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Get your own place and take care of your dog. The dog is your responsibility. Forget him. Take your dog and move on. If you won’t take your dog and move on, then at least, just let him be. The dog can’t be a tie to him.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Ok, I have a different answer now. If you could go six or seven months without seeing your dog, then you are just using the dog as a reason to keep connection. What was the long term agreement with the dog, he was going to raise the dog forever?

[MissLoveless]

The arrangement was for him to take care of my dog after I left until I was able to get him back. We agreed that he would let me see my dog whenever we were both free and I agreed to buy him food, treats, and toys. I went 6-7 months without visiting my dog, because my ex made it very difficult and I live about 40 minutes away and this includes Chicago winters where I couldn't visit my dog outside because it was too cold. However, during all these months, I DID drive by if I was in the area hoping that he was outside. My ex would send me videos and pics of my dog and I would have my dad drop stuff off for him, because I did not want to be around my ex.

 

I have two cats that I got after the break up, (one I "inherited" from my brother and the other I adopted from the shelter I volunteer at) so living in an apartment with two cats and a Rottweiler would be difficult, as he doesn't get along well with small animals. That's why I knew I probably can never have my dog again. I figured since it's now summer, and I'm not in school full time right now (I work, I'm a student, I volunteer at the shelter and the hospital. So my life is pretty busy), I could schedule a visit to drop the stuff of to the dog myself. But my ex was acting strange. This is because he already had someone new and I didn't know. Once I found out though, I knew I had to say my final goodbye to my dog, because I know my ex would probably never let me see him again, because he knows that would hurt me. I respect his boundaries and told him that he does not have to be there when I go, but he insisted that he wanted to be there and that he would never keep me from visiting my dog no matter who entered our lives or what happens.

 

A week went by after he said that. I sent him a quick text saying Sundays work best for me (I know his new girl works all day Sunday based on their fb posts I see on my newsfeed). I'm off Sundays and Mondays and my ex has a bit more free time since he doesn't have a job. He never replied to me and hasn't ever since. The connection is purely for the dog, because for the entire time we were broken up, he would beg, cry, and plead for me to come back. The only times I would respond to him were when he would text me pics, videos, or updates on my dog. Or if he sent me texts that he wanted to kill himself. Sometimes he would know how to press my buttons and get a reaction out of me and I would reply like an idiot. Other than that, I would never reach out to him first unless it was to ask how my dog was doing and conversation was pretty minimal.

 

That is why I do not understand why he's doing this. I don't want to be with him. I had over a year to go back to him, but I never did. It just bothers me that he's going back on his word. At first I was upset about him being in a new relationship, because it felt weird that just 6 days before he was claiming he loved me and wanted to be with me, but yet he started a whole new relationship soon after, maybe even during. Yes, it was a shock, yes it hurt. But the more I saw it, the more I realize I don't want him back, it's just my emotions. I know for sure I want to have at least one more goodbye with my poor dog. Whether my ex is present or not, I do not care. I feel like I need that goodbye before I can finally move on. Even though we were broken up for more than a year, we kept in contact, so it is strange to have to cut ties with both of them for good now. I know it needs to be done, it just hurts. I was never really able to move on from him, because he always kept himself relevant and I allowed it. I wish I hadn't.

 

*EDIT* I will add that, even though I was moving on and doing well, once I found out that my ex is with someone else, it really knocked me down. I cried. I was hurt, angry, depressed, missed him, and wanted him back. Never in over a year that we were broken up did I EVER want him back. I did miss him from time to time, because I was with him for so long and he was my only friend for awhile after he successfully isolated me. I know I'm better off without him and I do feel sorry for this new girl and her kids. I just want to say my goodbyes to my dog and close that chapter of my life, because I cannot live like this anymore. It's starting to get in the way of my daily life.

Edited June 15, 2018 by MissLoveless