I haven't stood up for my boyfriend and now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him...

[thegentle]

This situation has been developing for some weeks now, and I fear it has almost reached a breking point.

 

Next month I'll be with my boyfriend for almost two years, and we've been doing great. Until 1 month ago when he "lost" his part-time job in the kindergarten where we both worked part-time (he teaching arts, I English).

 

The fact is that I remained there, whereas he willingly walked out of his occupation, because he didn't feel comfortable with the boss.

Our boss is a nasty, dangerous woman, who keeps the children in terrible conditions! The parents are quite stupid, because instead of thinking of the children's safety, they ignore the reality, all because this woman allows them to pay "less" or have some other advantages.

 

But unfortunately she also takes pleasure in calumniating and defaming her ex co-workers, so that at the eyes of the parents she appears as the poor employer who has all the misfortunes!

 

This bullsh*t had been going on way before we started working there, we should have seen it coming, I know, but guess what? Now my boyfriend is the new victim this round.

 

He's too sensitive, unluckily, and this evening we argued over her (she recently talked sh*t about his new job) and among the other things he closed the telephone call with me saying "you never defend me anyway!"

 

I paralysed and felt the most miserable partner on the planet. I've been stressed out because of this woman, of my boyfriend's current situation and of these last words uttered by him, because I felt them so true. I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and that's shamefully true: I should have backed him up whenever I had the occasion, in front of anyone

 

I'm desperate: what can I do to regain his trust? To become again someone on whom he can count? And also, I'd like some advice on how to pay back this stupid who*e of all the vicious disasters she's been creating to a lot of people these years, including my boyfriend?

[Lotsgoingon]

You haven't ruined things ... but now is the time to be ruthlessly honest.

 

Do you feel she mistreated him ... and that he acted honorably in the job?

 

If so, why haven't you made that clear to him ... I'm wondering if you think he acted in some immature way ... such that you don't want to fully back him.

 

But if you failed to back him simply out of fear ... fear of you losing your job with this horrible woman ... for that you can apologize and now get on with the task of reassuring him ...

 

I don't see this as a relationship killer ... provided you back him now and you open up with full honesty about why you have failed to do so to this point.

 

Again, if there is some other reason you failed to back him up, pay attention to that ...

 

Just so you know: this happens more than you think ... one person soars at a workplace ... the other feels mistreated by the same people ... couples struggle with this one ...

[smackie9]

tbh it's not your battle to fight. Your BF is a grown a$$ man. He should be going to social services and reporting this person. If this person is personally harassing you or your BF, it becomes a police matter. If this workplace is that bad, get your evidence. If you don't want to go that far, quit this job and be done with her.

[Gaeta]

Apologize for not being supportive, and tell him this was an eye opener for you and will try to be a better supportive partner from here on.

 

 

Report that daycare.

[d0nnivain]

Do apologize for not being supportive. Start looking for a new job. If she's that bad, you shouldn't want to stay there either. But you rocking the boat at work will result in you both being unemployed. How will that help?

[Noproblem]

Honestly, I would leave you if I were him.

 

It's at crucial moments like this, we know who is our friend from our foe.

 

and why are you staying in such place? why don't you tell the authorities about this boss?

[Highndry]

A large part of being a loving partner is being supportive. At least you recognize this now. Apologize and be honest with him, and don't make the same mistakes in the future.

[2much4]

The only red flag I see here is you calling him "too sensitive". That's invalidating his feelings.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong though with that woman. You need to worry about being employed more than standing up for the bf.

[guest569]

I don’t see what you did wrong. It’s a workplace issue and I don’t see what you could have done for him if he left willingly. He is a grown man and shouldn’t need you to defend him in the workplace. Personal and professional should be kept separate. What do you think you should have done? Is there a workers union or someone higher up the chain?

[kendahke]

I agree that he's a grown man who can defend himself--I don't think this is about you being expected to defend him. I think it has more to do with you invalidating his feelings by the overall attitude you have towards him. Even here, you diminished him by saying he's "too sensitive". No, he's as sensitive as he was made to be and no one has to measure up to anyone else over how they react to toxic behavior.

 

You might need to look for another job if this toxic woman can't let up on her abusiveness.