Quokka Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Hello everyone, I recently got back together with my ex. We’ve known each other for 6 years. In those six years we were friends for two of them and have been dating and seeing each other on and off for the other four years. In this time, we were kids growing up. I met her at 16 and she was 18. We are now 21 and 23. We’ve had a lot of ups and a lot of downs in our relationship, as every relationship does. In the past, she has cheated on me, used me for money, used me for emotional support, and has moved back and forth from where I live to where her aunt lives. I haven’t been perfect either. I’ve been an alcoholic in recovery, emotionally abusive, jealous, and somewhat controlling. But I am now clean and sober and have been for 9 months. She’s the type of girl that needs a lot of space and I do all that I can to be patient and accommodate what she needs during those times. We both have depression, anxiety, and addiction issues of our own but also in both of our families. Suicide is also high in our families. Over the 6 years I could never shake this girl from my head or my heart. We’ve done so much together and the highs are really great and lows are really bad. There’s no doubt that we love each other but we both finding it hard to coexist at the same time. She has moved back home to be closer to her family and to be closer to me and since then we have been living back and forth from our moms place. I’m working 60+ hours a week to try and put us in a home of our own. And she’s not really searching for a job. Given, she’s only been back for two weeks. While she has been back though, there’s a lot of things bothering me about our relationship and she is so hard to communicate with because we end up arguing most of the time. Here’s what bothers me: -Whenever I try to talk to her about how I’m feeling she shuts me out, gives me the cold shoulder, and dismisses my feelings by saying things like “you’re being emotional” “you’re creating all of these worries in your head” “you don’t trust me and that’s whats causing all of our fights” -She uploaded a picture of us on facebook together captioned “if I have to live this life, I’d rather live it with you” she was drunk when she did this. The next day, I go look at her page only to realize it’s not there. She didn’t delete it because it was still in her photos but she did the whole hide from timeline maneuver. When I confronted her about it she immediately got defensive and told me that she didn’t do it and still denies it to this day. I no longer bring it up because I’m just so tired of fighting but it still bothers the hell out of me. Why would she hide our picture of each other? Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I have anxiety very bad. But she does a very bad job in creating security and trust in our relationship just by the actions I’ve listed above which in turn, brings out the neediness, paranoia, emotional, and untrusting side of me that she hates. If I just knew that we could communicate about things and let me know what she is thinking instead of emotionally shutting down and admit to me that she hid the picture on Facebook I would feel 100% better about our relationship. She has done good things not only bad ones. She texts me every morning, she’ll be the first to tell me she loves me, she’ll randomly show up to my house if she knows I’m upset with her and try to fix it. But the lack of communication and security in our relationship keeps me on edge and on top of working 60 hours a week isn’t an ideal situation for me. Can anyone shed some light on my situation and if it’s just me being the needy and clingy one? I feel like my emotions and concerns are valid considering our rocky past of cheating and lying to each other. I want to move past all of it and I don’t want to give up on her.
bathtub-row Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Aside from it sounding like the two of you have a lot of growing up to do, I don’t like the fact that she blocks conversations with you by rewriting the facts and accusing you of being overly emotional. Based on your family history, the two of you are the perfect storm. This just isn’t a good mix. I think you should move on, get a good handle on your situation, and find someone much more stable.
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 She is not your therapist, and this isn't what a relationship is for...solving your issues. She shuts you out because she's tired of carrying the heavy emotional load you keep dumping on her. Ever hear of codependency? You need to seek out professional help and get this anxiety in check. Your dependency on her for emotional support is what's deteriorating your relationship. BTW: Relationships, that are off and on and have ups and downs are unhealthy, not normal. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Congratulations on your sobriety, OP. You should be very proud of that. Honestly, I think it's time to call it a day on this relationship. There is a lot of resentment, drama and distrust and I would be very concerned that this is detrimental to your emotional well-being and new sober life. Yes, there is shared history between you but it doesn't seem as though you are compatible at all anymore. This is likely not going to be the woman you settle down with. Sometimes growing up also means moving on to healthier, happier pastures.
Author Quokka Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 She is not your therapist, and this isn't what a relationship is for...solving your issues. She shuts you out because she's tired of carrying the heavy emotional load you keep dumping on her. Ever hear of codependency? You need to seek out professional help and get this anxiety in check. Your dependency on her for emotional support is what's deteriorating your relationship. BTW: Relationships, that are off and on and have ups and downs are unhealthy, not normal. So I’ve got two sides telling me that she shouldn’t be dismissing my concerns and emotional anxiety about our relationship and then I’ve got you telling me that I need to stop being so codependent. And I feel like both of those are justifiable. Torn between, yes, maybe my heavy emotional load that I am dumping on her is like you say, “deteriorating our relationship” and also, she should want to listen to me and help me through the distrust I have towards our relationship.
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) she should want to listen to me and help me through the distrust I have towards our relationship. No, actually, she shouldn't. Your distrust is YOUR problem to resolve, not hers... and if you don't trust someone, why are you with them, wasting your youth behind them? What's the point in listening to someone who also doesn't take your advice to make change that you're complaining to her about? If you're making absolutely no change as a result of her listening to you (and I guess she's also giving you her feedback), then eventually, she's going to get sick and tired of listening to you complain and do nothing. That's just human nature. You're making this her responsibility when it isn't hers. This is your mess to sort and resolve, not hers. Never was hers. Time to do your own heavy lifting--that's fair here. If this is the outcome of the path you've chosen, then you might need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend right now. Edited June 11, 2018 by kendahke 1
Author Quokka Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 No, actually, she shouldn't. Your distrust is YOUR problem to resolve, not hers... and if you don't trust someone, why are you with them, wasting your youth behind them? What's the point in listening to someone who also doesn't take your advice to make change that you're complaining to her about? If you're making absolutely no change as a result of her listening to you (and I guess she's also giving you her feedback), then eventually, she's going to get sick and tired of listening to you complain and do nothing. That's just human nature. You're making this her responsibility when it isn't hers. This is your mess to sort and resolve, not hers. Never was hers. Time to do your own heavy lifting--that's fair here. If this is the outcome of the path you've chosen, then you might need a therapist more than you need a girlfriend right now. Okay this is fair. I’m working on trusting her. As I have mentioned though on the original post she has cheated and lied to me when we were young and that’s where all of the distrust is coming from. And then with hiding the Facebook picture made things a lot more suspicious for me. I don’t feel like I’m being too irrational given all of the circumstances.
bathtub-row Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I don’t think it’s just his problem when she acts suspiciously and lies when he calls her on it. 1
Author Quokka Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 i don’t think it’s just his problem when she acts suspiciously and lies when he calls her on it. thank you! 1
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Stop snooping and chasing her on social media! If my husband was snooping I would shut it down too...it would make me very upset that he couldn't trust me. You have two choices.....get into therapy and work through your problems there, or end this relationship. You whining to her isn't going to change a thing.
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Okay this is fair. I’m working on trusting her. As I have mentioned though on the original post she has cheated and lied to me when we were young. That was then.... this is now. Why give a liar and a cheat a second chance to be a liar and a cheat? If you're still litigating the past, then you don't have a present. 1
Author Quokka Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 That was then.... this is now. Why give a liar and a cheat a second chance to be a liar and a cheat? If you're still litigating the past, then you don't have a present. Because I love her and I have never stopped. And I know she loves me. There’s potential here for a healthy and happy relationship. I’ll work on myself during this time.
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) Because I love her and I have never stopped. And I know she loves me. There’s potential here for a healthy and happy relationship. I’ll work on myself during this time. But what is the point in deciding in present time to love someone who has already proven that they will lie and cheat? As long as there is no trust on your part, there is no hope of a happy, healthy relationship because, like I said, human nature will rebel against being forced to do someone else's emotional/psychological heavy lift. The work on yourself is supposed to be done when you're single. If nothing has been addressed and resolved, then you're just reanimating the carcass of your dead prior relationship... both of you have a lot of defragmenting work you need to be addressing instead of trying to force-fit a relationship with someone you can't trust or be trustworthy with. Edited June 11, 2018 by kendahke
bathtub-row Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Because I love her and I have never stopped. And I know she loves me. There’s potential here for a healthy and happy relationship. I’ll work on myself during this time. Sorry, but I disagree. There is very little basis here for a healthy and happy relationship but I’m sure time will tell. Her habit of lying, arguing, and rewriting history are very bad traits. Unless she goes through a massive personality overhaul, you’ll never be happy with her.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 Brother, did you say you were an alcoholic only 9 months into recovery? Well dude ... if you're going to meetings, you pretty much know this ... at 9 months in recovery, you're still quite immature ... all the addiction behavior stunts growth and development. So when you're trying to do a relationship sober for the first time, it's gonna be messy. That's fine ... But it will be messy ... Because you're not quite mature yet ... That you can't get her out of your mind ... really means nothing ... could be obsessiveness or attachment issues ... Just be sure to share your ups and downs with a mentor ... a sponsor ... a therapist or someone during this time ... Because you can grow during this process ... but the growth is the day-to-day work ... not the idea that this will be a wonderful relationship. Your honesty--as in the way you wrote here--is what leads to the growth. Stay with your honesty ... and lead with that ... BTW: it's not really her job to reassure you ... It's your job to determine if this is a person you feel comfortable with ... and if you don't feel reassured ... that's a big red stop sign ... Really reassurance isn't in the words ... It's in the behaviors ... Ironically I see virtue in practicing how to stay balanced in your own neediness ... But ultimately ... you want to move towards someone that you don't feel needy with ... Basically if you're feeling needy, this ain't the person for you ... But you may need to suffer through this and go ahead and ram your head against the wall and get past this relationship ... Just share ... and be honest ... find a mentor and/or a therapist ... 1
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