hgriffin17 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Hey guys, I'm in need of some help. So basically i've been talking to this girl for about 3 months now. At first, conversations were light and we just sent each other funny videos and pictures. Then once I came back home from college, we actually started seeing each other. Since our college's are so far away, at first I wasn't anticipating anything serious with her. Due to my last relationship failing because of long distance, I didn't want that to happen again. BUT now i'm starting to really like her and once that happens, I just want them to myself lol. But we've only been on 4 actual dates, 5th one coming up this Thursday. We'd see each other more but our schedules don't align. She works 16 hour shifts and when she's off, i'm working at a real estate firm. So it sucks. But anyways, when should I approach this conversation? I don't want it to be too soon and scare her off but something like this will be on my mind for a while.
fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Sigh I struggle with this with every single relationship. I am always the one to bring it up. I think the first step is whether you are exclusive or not and sometimes you need more time to figure out if you actually want to be girlfriend/boyfriend and put that label on. Or you can just decide you want to date exclusively and if they are seeing other people - then you have to wait for the right time. There should be some hints. But I'm probably the worst person for this. I hate this talk more than anything.
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Hgriffin17, From what you’ve described it sounds like the relationship is not yet ready for that ‘talk’ You need more than what you’ve described to go on. In your post, for example, you’ve made no mention of where she stands, how she feels. That’s important information. The other issue is given the distance between your colleges, this could turn out to be a summer-only relationship. But you never know. My gut feeling tells me, wait a couple of more dates. Avoid talking about long-term plans far into the future. And wait for her to give you a strong, unequivocal indication that she wants the same as you do, before you ‘spill the beans’ as it were. I know you’re excited, but if you quickly become a sure, easy thing that’s always there, she might get bored, fast. Pace yourself. 2
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 But we've only been on 4 actual dates, 5th one coming up this Thursday. We'd see each other more but our schedules don't align. She works 16 hour shifts and when she's off, i'm working at a real estate firm. So it sucks.. Right now, neither of you have the time to invest in building a relationship. If neither of you is willing to carve out time and be committed to carving out time to make this work, then it's not going to work. What sounds like a good idea might turn out to be a bad one once you're in it. Eventually, one of the two of you is going to get sick of being told "I can't-I'm tired/need to sleep/have to go see my folks/going out with my friends/got to get my laundry done"---because those days when you're not working are days you've got to tend to those things in your life that were in place before you met this person. Get a handle on your free time first then worry about having "the talk". Having that talk is useless when you won't make time in your day for them.
Mentor99 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 There's also a middle group between being in a relationship and dating casually / multi-dating. You can ask to date exclusively. This can sometimes lead to a relationship, but also can show incompatibilities and end things sooner.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I'm old school.. when bodily fluids and DNA are exchanged I normally stopped dating anyone else and had the talk, I didn't however expect them to stop seeing anyone they might have been seeing and only see me but I did have the talk since I am a one woman kinda guy. It was never a problem historically in my relationships so I always did it that way... 2
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Doesn't matter when you have the talk...if she gets scared off, she never had any intention of something serious with you. Waiting won't change that. 4
Author hgriffin17 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Right now, neither of you have the time to invest in building a relationship. If neither of you is willing to carve out time and be committed to carving out time to make this work, then it's not going to work. What sounds like a good idea might turn out to be a bad one once you're in it. Eventually, one of the two of you is going to get sick of being told "I can't-I'm tired/need to sleep/have to go see my folks/going out with my friends/got to get my laundry done"---because those days when you're not working are days you've got to tend to those things in your life that were in place before you met this person. Get a handle on your free time first then worry about having "the talk". Having that talk is useless when you won't make time in your day for them. I'm basically addressing you and everyone who has taken the time to comment on this forum (thank you by the way) but I do think she reserves most of her free time to be with me. Last week, I took the day off to see her. She said she's willing to do the same (though I tell her she doesn't have to). So we're trying to work it out. I THINK i'm the only guy she's seeing. If not, that might spark some problems since that wouldn't necessarily fly with me. Either way, I do agree, I should wait. There are still some topics we haven't even spoken about yet (like our past relationshipsbin detail). But what confuses me is that we make plans, like big plans for the future. Like she wants to go to Lollapalooza together, which is in August. So i'm guessing she's anticipating seeing me till then. But again I don't know. If i'll have the talk soon, i'll probably just tell her i've been and will continue to just date her. But idk
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I'm basically addressing you and everyone who has taken the time to comment on this forum (thank you by the way) but I do think she reserves most of her free time to be with me. Last week, I took the day off to see her. She said she's willing to do the same (though I tell her she doesn't have to). So we're trying to work it out. That's nice. How much vacation time do both of you get and can this be done on a weekly basis? I'm guessing that you don't have an unlimited sick/vacation time policy at your job, so this isn't going to be a weekly thing. In fact, it might be 6 weeks - 6 months til the next time you can take time off from work. So in the meantime, what are you going to scale back in your life in order to invest that time with her--and what is she going to scale back in her life in order to invest that time with you? If only one of you is doing the scaling back, then plan on the other being resentful for not being more of a priority--or they lose interest while waiting. But what confuses me is that we make plans, like big plans for the future. Like she wants to go to Lollapalooza together, which is in August. So i'm guessing she's anticipating seeing me till then. Not necessarily. She's telling you that she intends upon going to Lollapalooza in August. If you're in the picture, then she probably wants you to go, too. If you're not, then she's going to Lollapalooza in August. That's all that was about. If i'll have the talk soon, i'll probably just tell her i've been and will continue to just date her. But idk Tell her the truth--that will go over far better than telling her something that isn't completely true or what you want to do.
fieldoflavender Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 I learned that you can not assume someone is exclusive until you actually ask. But you better be prepared to be exclusive if you're asking them to be. I only ask if I like them and want to be exclusive. Otherwise I would rather have the option to keep looking and doing multi -dating. I am old school too - I can't sleep with multiple people at the same time and I have not even kissed multiple people at the same time. That weirds me out. I have multi dated and to be honest, it's way too stressful. But if the people are all potential good choices, and I don't feel head over heels over one of them, then I should not limit myself. When I was younger - I thought 1:1 was romantic and all that. But in today's age, I would say most people multi date.
lakerman34 Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 I feel like "the talk" is relatively natural when you're with the right person. My girlfriend and I were never supposed to date. We were both designated as "temporary f-buddies." Two months into it, I said, "yeah, I kind of want to be exclusive." She didn't agree, said she had "issues with commitment." I said, "that's fine, but I'm letting you know I have a date tonight." She said, "umm...OK. That's fine." Later on (about 2 weeks ago), I learned that she, too, had a date with another guy that night. Next time -- "so, how was your date?" My response: "it went well! She wants to go out with me again!" A week later, she told me, "yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but could you please cancel your date with her? I've never felt jealous before, and I'm feeling jealous, and I realized that I'm starting to take a liking to you. Yeah, I want to try this commitment thing." Our relationship is relatively young (8 months), but, for the most part (occasional bump in the road due to miscommunication or a difference in values that we have to negotiate), everything has gone swimmingly. She is my best friend and an awesome lover. There are NO timelines. Do what's right for you, expect NOTHING. 2
guest569 Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 As a man, I never have "the talk." It has been my experience that if a woman is interested in a relationship, she will bring it up soon enough. Ditto except reverse the sexes, ha! 1
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 As a woman I never had to bring it up. They were the one to make it known they wanted to be exclusive. I never had to wait for months, it was usually within a week or two.
alphamale Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 But anyways, when should I approach this conversation? after you've been dating seriously for 3 to 6 months
fieldoflavender Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 Depends on how old you are too. If your'e in your 30's + and marriage minded, no one is going to wait 6 months to have that discussion if marriage is what you're ultimately after. I'm not going to waste time at this stage with someone who needs 6 months to figure out if they see me as a long term partner. People should be able to figure that out by then. If you're 16, yeah I wouldn't bring that up because you're very likely to break up as you mature, move schools who knows what. Very context dependent.
No_Go Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 Think again about the bolded. After my last colossal relationship failure I took an year off, contemplated on things and decided NEVER to bring up marriage topic (or kids, or anything 'future'). If it needs to be brought up - one party is not ready anyway. Since I've made this decision I'm enjoying the absolute best relationship I've ever had in my life. I know he's serious because of all his actions and vice versa. We never had the 'talk' are we a couple either - it became abundantly clear to both of us when we couldn't spend a day without at least talking that we are something The 'defining' talks are reeking insecurity or the answer is there but just one party doesn't like it (like in OP's case - they are obviously not a couple yet, the dynamics is of early stage dating at best). Depends on how old you are too. If your'e in your 30's + and marriage minded, no one is going to wait 6 months to have that discussion if marriage is what you're ultimately after. I'm not going to waste time at this stage with someone who needs 6 months to figure out if they see me as a long term partner. People should be able to figure that out by then. If you're 16, yeah I wouldn't bring that up because you're very likely to break up as you mature, move schools who knows what. Very context dependent. 1
fieldoflavender Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 That's fine if that's what you want. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who wants to casually date and can't commit. No one is asking for a marriage proposal about 3 months, but at the same time, if you know what you want (not saying for OP but anyone else), then you shouldn't have to compromise it. If you can't even BRING IT UP with the person you're dating, then like what gives right. But like that theory works FINE if you don't want something long term and are in something fun and see how it goes. Everyone is different. I would not bring anything up if that's what I want. But I don't. I want something long term and while I may not bring it up on the first few dates, but hey, if people like wasting their time, then go ahead. People shouldn't be scared of discussing it. Again depends on stage of life. If I was younger, I would have been freaked out. Now I'm much less freaked out.
TheFinalWord Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 (edited) I'm basically addressing you and everyone who has taken the time to comment on this forum (thank you by the way) but I do think she reserves most of her free time to be with me. Last week, I took the day off to see her. She said she's willing to do the same (though I tell her she doesn't have to). So we're trying to work it out. I THINK i'm the only guy she's seeing. If not, that might spark some problems since that wouldn't necessarily fly with me. Either way, I do agree, I should wait. There are still some topics we haven't even spoken about yet (like our past relationshipsbin detail). But what confuses me is that we make plans, like big plans for the future. Like she wants to go to Lollapalooza together, which is in August. So i'm guessing she's anticipating seeing me till then. But again I don't know. If i'll have the talk soon, i'll probably just tell her i've been and will continue to just date her. But idk I don't recommend talking about past relationship details. But that's me. Yeah, big plans in the future, don't always materialize. Unless you see her actively planning that activity, I would not see it as more than an emotional statement. Actions need to match words. That's the only thing I work with when I'm dating. I would let it happen more organically, kind of like the first kiss. You have all these rules about when and how to go for the first kiss, but I find it works better if it happens naturally. Same with exclusivity. Edited June 13, 2018 by TheFinalWord 1
Chilli Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 In my ever so humble opinion, this is the way things should go. I think that if someone feels they need to have some kind of status report on their relationship, then something is going wrong. yep fully agree, l can't believe they even have a thing called,"the talk" now. l've never had a talk in my effg life and l was married 20yrs too. Personally l think if two people had to have some fake bs convo about something that's so obvious anyway, then , well l dunno , l mean wtf ! 1
No_Go Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 In my ever so humble opinion, this is the way things should go. I think that if someone feels they need to have some kind of status report on their relationship, then something is going wrong. I also think that a lot of people use "the talk" as a workaround for cheating partners. Some people think that if that talk never happened, then they really aren't in a relationship and can bang whoever they want. Well, that sort of person is likely gonna bang other people anyway, talk or no talk. Other people I think want to have the talk to make sure their partner isn't banging other people, but again, a little talk isn't gonna make someone not bang others. Exactly - whoever wants to bang around will do it, talk or not, marriage or not. But seems like having talked it through gives women some sense of serenity, not unlike the passifier rings aka engagement ring given by a guy early in to mute his whiny GF I feel like the only advantage of having a talk is to use it as a weapon to keep the person accountable later on when things break down but that’s apocalyptic and as unloving as it goes
No_Go Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 Most guys want you to want commitment WITH THEM. Talk at 3 or 6 months suggest you want commitment IN GENERAL. For many guys and I believe rightfully so this is a red flag making them run away instead of committing... That's fine if that's what you want. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who wants to casually date and can't commit. No one is asking for a marriage proposal about 3 months, but at the same time, if you know what you want (not saying for OP but anyone else), then you shouldn't have to compromise it. If you can't even BRING IT UP with the person you're dating, then like what gives right. But like that theory works FINE if you don't want something long term and are in something fun and see how it goes. Everyone is different. I would not bring anything up if that's what I want. But I don't. I want something long term and while I may not bring it up on the first few dates, but hey, if people like wasting their time, then go ahead. People shouldn't be scared of discussing it. Again depends on stage of life. If I was younger, I would have been freaked out. Now I'm much less freaked out.
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 IMO there isn't a "time" to ask for commitment...if you know you are really catching feelings, that's when you should make your intentions clear. Why not? If they don't feel the same way then you saved yourself needlessly investing in someone. That's the way I see it. 1
fieldoflavender Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 No you're not asking for someone to commit to you necessarily. I always what to know what their intentions are - are they looking for a quick lay or a long term relationship? I think the line between exclusivity and "girlfriend/boyfriend" I don't make a huge deal about. If I'm doing excessive physical things with someone, I prefer exclusivity and will have the talk with them so I don't feel cheap about myself. 1
Author hgriffin17 Posted June 13, 2018 Author Posted June 13, 2018 I think it's worth noting that she also has recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship around 3/4 months ago. So maybe, she isn't even entirely ready for a relationship as well. Maybe that's why I sometimes get a hot and cold vibe from her at times. I think what i'll do is tell her i'm not seeing anyone else, or plan on seeing anyone else but her and see how she takes it. I agree with something somebody said, and that was that I don't want to waste my time down the road if she already had made the decision of not making this just a summer fling. I wasn't expecting this much of a response but thank you nonetheless. I learned a lot from all of your replies.
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