Being respectful backfired

[BluesPower]

First time seeking advice online.

 

Went on a date with a girl, stayed over at her place. I didn't sleep with her, and now she lost interest, I think.

 

Reason why I didn't sleep with her, was because I’m changing my attitude and lifestyle. I basically told her that I’m done with ons and meaningless sex. I never counted with how many women I’ve slept, but it’s in the range of 50-60. I’m not sure if this is a lot, I’m 30.

 

I need a drastic change in lifestyle, so no more ons. I just don't want to sleep with every girl I go on a date with. I think everyone reach this thought at some point. I’ve lost some friends because of my lavish lifestyle with girls.

 

I honestly thought women would appreciate if I don't sleep with them right away. Seem this backed fired badly. Girl is now showing zero interest in me. Now that I was respectful, I basically killed it. I want to contact her again, but don't want to sound needy.

 

Here is the deal... Yes she wanted to get laid, and she is pissed that it did not happen.

 

Well, if you want to change your life, and stop sleeping around, 1) don't go back to their place, and 2) Let them know up front that you are not into casual sex anymore and you only have sex when you have dated for a while to see if you really want to try a relationship.

 

And the talk (above) needs to be early on in the date so or before so they will not be disappointed.

 

And really you should know this already if you are 30.

 

If she brings you back to hers she wants to get laid, almost a 100% of the time. So don't go there if you really want to change...

[kendahke]

You might be right. I was actually planning to leave, but she pulled me back in.

 

and she cut your legs off so you couldn't leave?

 

That still doesn't address why you didn't go home and sleep in your own bed.

[SG2014]

Thanks for all feedback and advice.

 

I clearly misread the situation. I shouldn’t have stayed at her place. I’ve done this before, and no big deal.

 

When a girl stays at my place and we don’t have sex, I respect that. I’m not going to ignore that person if she reaches out again.

 

I’m not going disclose any details, in case that person is on this website. I know she recently broke up with her ex, so might just want a quick **** to get over him.

 

Will contact her tomorrow, depending how I feel.

[basil67]

If the OP was a woman, would you say to her 'Why did you stay at his house if you didn't want sex?'

 

If he was clearly up for sex and she stayed on the couch, then came to us confused, then I would ask the question.

[SG2014]

She also said some weird **** and stupid jokes. Jokes that I made as well when I was younger. Jokes about how many guys she had over. Didn’t bother me much seeing I’m no angel either.

 

After she said one thing, something like ‘if I want I can say the right things to get you’. I played it along and said one thing, and 15min later we were on our way to her place. I’m not going to repeat what I said, nothing sexual. Just played her game along. I hate hates this games, but yeah...

 

Yes, she just wanted to **** me. She probably felt insulted that I didn’t. Do I regret it, not really. I feel upset that she rejects me now, more an ego thing I guess.

[preraph]

I see stories on here of guys sleeping with but not having sex with women from time to time -- and it never ends well. Sleeping with a woman and not having sex is very confusing, and it basically is just the same as shouting "I only want to be friends" or "I am bad at sex" or "I am afraid of sex." Don't sleep in bed with a woman until after you've had sex and clarified the situation.

 

I had a confusing bf who did that to me a few times and I would lay awake all night screaming in my head "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

 

10 years later, he told me he had impotence problems.

[SG2014]

Everyone has there own reason why not to sleep with a girl or guy on the first date.

 

As I said before, my sex life was/is quite exciting and a bit more intense than the normal person. I’ve had sex in bars, clubs, plane, swingers clubs, car, office, etc. I slept with a variety of women age between 22 - 41. With my last gf we had sex at least five times a day. Was fun, exciting, but I knew this would end badly, it did. Whenever I sleep with someone from day 1, and we take more seriously, it ends up badly.

 

I reached a point that sex was the same as every daily routine, like taking a taxi to the office. I made a decision to take a few steps back.

 

What’s so wrong not sleep with some, and just lay in bed an talk. Yes, I miss being in love with someone. I understand why people say ‘it’s just sex’ It is, nothing special about it anymore. I want that ‘special’ feeling back.

[SG2014]

It’s actuallt hypocritical. Friends and random people say I’m a player, and sleep around as much as I can.

 

Now that I stopped doing it, it confuses people. Seriously...

[Versacehottie]

Everyone has there own reason why not to sleep with a girl or guy on the first date.

 

As I said before, my sex life was/is quite exciting and a bit more intense than the normal person. I’ve had sex in bars, clubs, plane, swingers clubs, car, office, etc. I slept with a variety of women age between 22 - 41. With my last gf we had sex at least five times a day. Was fun, exciting, but I knew this would end badly, it did. Whenever I sleep with someone from day 1, and we take more seriously, it ends up badly.

 

I reached a point that sex was the same as every daily routine, like taking a taxi to the office. I made a decision to take a few steps back.

 

What’s so wrong not sleep with some, and just lay in bed an talk. Yes, I miss being in love with someone. I understand why people say ‘it’s just sex’ It is, nothing special about it anymore. I want that ‘special’ feeling back.

 

 

If the bolded is how you feel, then this didn't really backfire....you both realized you were at a crossroads much quicker (i.e. one evening out) than it would normally take. Consider yourself lucky for not having wasted much time at all. I don't think this girl could give you the "special" feeling you are hoping for. It's a blessing in disguise that this "backfired" so you can move on to other people who hold the promise of being that one.

 

I agree with the others though that if you don't want your actions to be misinterpreted and want to have a better chance at a "real" thing than leave the girl longing for more. It's what we usually do to you guys and i submit that it works both ways. Act like a guy who is contemplating a future with her and it will let you know if she is in that mindset and at the very least get you those deeper talks so you can find out if she is worthy of being in your life that way. And also agree that girls take a physical rejection much harder than guys do. The stereotype is that guys will act on mutual physical attraction...so if they don't.....it's confusing and insulting. The good news is that if she has gone to this mindset right away she 99% probably wasn't after what you are after and not ready for a deep relationship. Again, as the others said, it could be about other things than just what you did or didn't do physically. Maybe she just wasn't that into you overall (possible, right?) and again in which case better that you know after only one night and can move on.

 

One word text answers not great. I know your pride is a bit hurt but I would let this one go--incompatible and perhaps she doesn't have the substance you want. Faster you let her go, faster you will find who is great for you. good luck

[SG2014]

You are probably right.

 

Ok, just to clarify the situation. Before I left her place, she said that she will go to the park, I was welcome to join.

 

I had a few errands to run, so I told I'll let her know. Once I was done I asked if she was still at the park. She said just 'yes'. Didn't feel she was that keen of me to come, so I let it pass. Her last message was 'enjoy your day'.

 

Now that I feel rejected, I feel attracted to her.

[Versacehottie]

You are probably right.

 

Ok, just to clarify the situation. Before I left her place, she said that she will go to the park, I was welcome to join.

 

I had a few errands to run, so I told I'll let her know. Once I was done I asked if she was still at the park. She said just 'yes'. Didn't feel she was that keen of me to come, so I let it pass. Her last message was 'enjoy your day'.

 

Now that I feel rejected, I feel attracted to her.

 

two things:

*feeling rejected thus creating more attraction is very common. Just keep in mind that often it has very little to do with the person who you are wanting to "win" and a lot to do with ego (in the real sense of the word not that you have a big ego or are egotistical but more that it's natural reaction of the mind when feeling rejected to want to prove that you are not).

 

*if those are the last two messages between you two, to me, that is not enough to say you are rejected or that she is not interested. It sounds like each of you is a little insecure (or she may have had other things going on for the park) and waiting for the other to step up and show their cards a little more. As the guy (especially one who is interested seemingly in her), you should take a shot rather than regret not trying....especially if you also slept over but made no physical move, then show her a little something. What have you got to lose?

[SG2014]

I’ve been called many things in my life, but not insecure

 

No, yeah have nothing to loose. Will pop her message after work.

[fromheart]

So as you're ordering the first round of drinks, you just look her in the eye and say, "you realize I intend [or don't intend] to phukk you after we finish the entree?"

 

Are you a man or a woman? I can't imagine a faster way to bring the date to a screeching halt than to actually say to a woman that you intend to bed her on the first date! Even women who may be down for it will need to feign demure until they've has some alcohol and a warm up.

 

Or maybe I've just been doing it wrong my whole life.

 

There's more subtle ways to put it. And not mucking anyone around is more important than messing up the date, and not getting what you want.

[Casio167]

Had to comment on this one. Using the term “being respectful” and equating that to deciding not to sleep with someone implies that having sex with a woman is an act of disrespect. Why do you think that having consensual sex with someone is an act of disrespect?

Possibly the way that you spoke during the night about women came across and after you left she decided she wasn’t interested. Reading through your posts you have an odd way of talking about women like you see them as an “other” and not as people. I know if someone spoke like that to me and saw having sex as “disrespectful” to a woman, alarm bells would be going. It implies you have odd views about women in general.

 

Secondly, if you didn’t want to sleep with her you probably shouldn’t have taken her up on her invite to come back to hers, or if you did want to go back, communicated to her that you wanted to hold off on sex before you both got to know each other a bit better. Perhaps she was put off that you couldn’t verbally communicate this to her.

[SG2014]

Casio,

 

Yes you are right. You are not the first person who says this.

 

One of the reason is that all me ex’s had high profile jobs (bankers, lawyers, architects, business owners, etc.). I need this so I will have more respect for them. Do I disrespect people with ‘low’ profile jobs, not really. I didn’t speak to her about other women in a disrespectful way. I just like ambitious people, nothing wrong with that.

 

I don’t agree with your second part. I’ve slept with girls who called me an ******* because I’ve slept with them on the first date. This makes this thread a bit hypocritical. I don’t sleep with someone, I’m weird. I sleep with a girl, I’m ******* player. As I said befor, I’ve shared my bed with a few girls and no Sex. None of them took it against me, and vice versa.

 

I asked some of my female friends. They totally understand me, obviously they know me for a few years. They did mention that it can come over as rejection to the girl.

[Versacehottie]

I’ve been called many things in my life, but not insecure

 

No, yeah have nothing to loose. Will pop her message after work.

 

Agreed, insecure bad choice of words as you don't strike me as that at all. I guess it is the lack of CERTAINTY in this situation with her that leaves each of you waiting for the other to make a move. Also, to be fair, you are trying to date in a way that is not your usual so it's possible that you are in a more sensitive or cautious state than usual. I actually don't think that's a bad thing: if deep is what you are looking for there hasn't been much evidence that it will result from this girl so maybe it's just your intuition telling you that things with her are not as you wish them to be.

 

But definitely call or message her--be flirtatious, charming, not boring and cautious. You have nothing to lose. I read the a very interesting thing the other day (statistics) that people rarely feel bad in the long term over missteps or chances they've taken that don't work out....they do feel really bad and there is a cumulative effect over things that cause them to feel regret--for chances NOT TAKEN. So push yourself a little. There is very little that is embarrassing about following up with her & if it's right thing you will be glad you did. I know more than a few couples who had very awkward first dates & subsequent miscommunication. (not a guarantee, of course, but a reason to put yourself out there). Good luck

[heavenonearth]

It pretty much always will. If a woman invites you back to her place, she is trying to get laid. Ladies do not take rejection as well as men do.

 

Since when do men take rejection well?

Have you ever been a woman on a dating app?

Edited June 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Gender bashing removed ~ V

[heavenonearth]

I just wanted to wait a few dates. I’ve had good fun in the past four years. I stayed single for a few reasons.

 

Unfortunately, in past four years sex belonged to my daily activities. Now it doesn’t excite me anymore. How weird it may sound, I miss the feeling of having sex when you are actually in love. Last that this happened was five - six years ago.

 

That’s why I didn’t want to sleep with her. After this fiasco, I have to rethink it. Just wanted something deeper, good conversation...

 

Have you perhaps thought about the fact that there were different reasons as to why she did not contact you after your first date?

Perhaps she just was not feeling it.

Perhaps she just doesn't see you as a potential partner.

Perhaps she was not into you enough to want to go on a second date.

It does not have to do with the sex, per se.

 

I mean, come on. The woman does not owe you anything, not sex, not an explanation, not a prosperous future, nothing.

 

So what, this 'new thing' of yours did not work well with this woman, perhaps it will with the next.

 

When I hear men say stuff like "it seems like all women want/don't want x and y", I want to scratch someone's eyes out. Seriously - stop generalizing.

 

If most women do not react well to you on dates and you seem to only be having ONSs, maybe the problem doesn't lie in the MANY women, but with you? Ever thought of that?

[SG2014]

Thanks Versacehottie, you seem experienced, and have a rational view on it.

 

‘Most women don’t react well to me on dates’ When did I say that? 9/10 women text me right after the date that they had a good time and want to schedule a second date. Most women say that they feel very comfortable around me, even when they just met me. I’m easy to talk to, and very open. I’m not an arrogant ******* who asks for a ONS right away, talk about himself all the time. Ok, I can be charming, but who isn’t...

 

I don’t what went wrong last weekend. Maybe I should just have slept with her so I could have avoided this.

[heavenonearth]

Thanks Versacehottie, you seem experienced, and have a rational view on it.

 

‘Most women don’t react well to me on dates’ When did I say that? 9/10 women text me right after the date that they had a good time and want to schedule a second date. Most women say that they feel very comfortable around me, even when they just met me. I’m easy to talk to, and very open. I’m not an arrogant ******* who asks for a ONS right away, talk about himself all the time. Ok, I can be charming, but who isn’t...

 

I don’t what went wrong last weekend. Maybe I should just have slept with her so I could have avoided this.

 

Or maybe she wasn't the one and you should stop overthinking and just move on.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Versacehottie, you seem experienced, and have a rational view on it.

 

‘Most women don’t react well to me on dates’ When did I say that? 9/10 women text me right after the date that they had a good time and want to schedule a second date. Most women say that they feel very comfortable around me, even when they just met me. I’m easy to talk to, and very open. I’m not an arrogant ******* who asks for a ONS right away, talk about himself all the time. Ok, I can be charming, but who isn’t...

 

I don’t what went wrong last weekend. Maybe I should just have slept with her so I could have avoided this.

 

Thank you I go back to my original POV....maybe nothing went wrong...maybe you two are not meant to be. Your old ways might not be the same things that serve you in your new quest, nor will they work on the same type of girls. In other words, if she is a girl more inclined to your less serious, previous hookup life, then it's unlikely that she is ready or the type to appreciate your newer tactics. Which are perfectly fine IMO.... (i've spent the night with a guy w/o sleeping together just wanted to spend more time and i tend to have a gf mindset and appreciate a good guy that I'm attracted to--what you did would have been a plus and NOT affected my thinking of you, provided i was attracted overall & wouldn't have spent the night with you if i wasn't...idk, but almost all of my friends with gf mentality think like this too; I have a few friends who aren't relationship minded, either at the moment or in general & they are they only ones that would spend night with some guy and then lose interest the next day and even then they'd prob still be up for hanging out). So I would conclude that:

 

*you are either misreading what she intends in the aftermath (thinking she is not interested when she is)

*she is not relationship-minded (at the moment or in general, thus offended)

*remote chance that she went through with the night but doesn't like you "like that", i.e. to continue seeing you (happens to people even when they generally have a high percentage of people who like them back/low rejection rate).

 

p.s. even if she was feeling rejected and is retaliating, you still have a chance, means her emotions are involved; she will want HER chance most likely.

 

bottom line though: expend your effort with those who genuinely like you back to the extent that you like them, equal, balanced. Life is too short to chase after people to prove something to yourself/them. If you heed this advice, i will have saved you years of misery

 

As a charming, good looking guy, you have more options than a lot of guys, use it to your advantage. There is someone out there who will like you and appreciate you. I think you could be misreading the park texts but on other hand, the blunt, cold one-word text tone isn't a good look and not how most girls would talk to a guy they really liked the day after spending the night with him.

 

And no, charming is not a very widespread trait; it will get you far

[bathtub-row]

I haven’t read all the comments here but my first question is why do you think her attitude has anything to do with you being polite? My next question is, why on earth were you sleeping over at her hone instead of going to your home? That may be the thing that turned her off. And if you lived far away, why not get a hotel? The whole thing sounds a little odd to me.

 

The truth is, if she were really that into you, you not having sex with her probably would’ve been cute or charming to her. Maybe she just didn’t like you.

[No_Go]

Went on a date with a girl, stayed over at her place. I didn't sleep with her, and now she lost interest, I think.

 

Oh, she wouldn't have lost interest if you went for a walk, dinner, whatever. You stayed at her place. Why?? The normal reaction of course was to expect sex.

 

If you don't want to get laid - just stay out of each other's places, and certainly don't do sleepovers... You're giving mixed signals that way so she was rightfully disappointed.

[Logo]

Bars, Clubs, housewarming parties, friends of friends,hotels etc.

 

Don’t go that road. I’ve changed a lot since my early twenties. I’m trying to have a more ‘normal’ dating life, but it’s hard.

 

 

 

 

 

It's ok. I'm not the type to enjoy one night stands, but I wouldn't mind going down that road for a little while.

 

 

 

https://earthzine.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/drought-photo-un-schneider.jpg

[kendahke]

[]

 

There is a whole lot more to a girl liking a guy other than him being nice or respectful.

 

Ev.er.y.bo.dy is entitled to their preferences in whom they choose to become romantically involved. You're not owed your way with her just because you like her or you're being "respectful".

 

It really does boil down to her not clicking with you and she doesn't want to waste her or your time in something she has no interest in.

Edited June 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to hydra redacted