SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 First time seeking advice online. Went on a date with a girl, stayed over at her place. I didn't sleep with her, and now she lost interest, I think. Reason why I didn't sleep with her, was because I’m changing my attitude and lifestyle. I basically told her that I’m done with ons and meaningless sex. I never counted with how many women I’ve slept, but it’s in the range of 50-60. I’m not sure if this is a lot, I’m 30. I need a drastic change in lifestyle, so no more ons. I just don't want to sleep with every girl I go on a date with. I think everyone reach this thought at some point. I’ve lost some friends because of my lavish lifestyle with girls. I honestly thought women would appreciate if I don't sleep with them right away. Seem this backed fired badly. Girl is now showing zero interest in me. Now that I was respectful, I basically killed it. I want to contact her again, but don't want to sound needy.
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 At the risk of stating the obvious, not all women want the same thing. If you weren't wanting sex, why did you stay at her house? 2
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) I just wanted to wait a few dates. I’ve had good fun in the past four years. I stayed single for a few reasons. Unfortunately, in past four years sex belonged to my daily activities. Now it doesn’t excite me anymore. How weird it may sound, I miss the feeling of having sex when you are actually in love. Last that this happened was five - six years ago. That’s why I didn’t want to sleep with her. After this fiasco, I have to rethink it. Just wanted something deeper, good conversation... Edited June 11, 2018 by SG2014 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 At the risk of stating the obvious, not all women want the same thing. If you weren't wanting sex, why did you stay at her house? No man or woman seeking more then sex invites you to their house w/in the 1st couple of dates. Some women are out there just to get laid (I knew a few like that). When you find a woman who wants long term, she will be happy that you are respectful. Don't feel bad, this one wanted sex and would have ghosted after anyways more then likely.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Why are you assuming she lost interest because you didn't sleep with her? There could be several other reasons. But let's assume for the sake of argument that is the reason. You stated you want to change how you approach dating, and don't want to jump straight into bed and make it all about sex. If she's turned off that you didn't do so, then you now know you two are incompatible. I wouldn't take this as a loss, OP. You are learning to weed out the women whose desires and expectations don't line up with yours. 2
snowboy91 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) I honestly thought women would appreciate if I don't sleep with them right away. Seem this backed fired badly. Girl is now showing zero interest in me. Now that I was respectful, I basically killed it. I want to contact her again, but don't want to sound needy. Some do want to wait, but many don't. Some are more than happy with a ONS. Relationships do develop following first date sex as well. Not always, but some of the time. Being "respectful" isn't necessarily a hard and fast rule these days. You could actually argue that in the case of a woman who wants first date sex, it is respectful for you to have sex with her if you are attracted to her. Of course, it is also respectful to say no if you are not interested in her. If you know a woman wants to wait a few dates, then respect that too. My point is that respecting someone is more to do with how you treat someone as a person, not necessarily to do with when you have sex with them. However, it seems like you've set your own boundaries that the woman you meet needs to respect, and as ExpatInItaly said, that's a level of incompatibility there. If you're interested in her, then contact her again. It's not needy, it's keeping in contact with someone you genuinely had a good time with. Edited June 11, 2018 by snowboy91 add a bit for clarity 3
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Thanks for the replies. Not sure if I will contact her again. After a few one word replies, I got the message. Its not that I'm that desperate, didn't really see it coming though. Not that we had a connection, few good conversations. I actually took a 6 month break of dating. My last relationship, was only about sex. We had sex everywhere at every possible moment. She liked to be watched, I think thats also why I lost some of the excitement of normal sex (bedroom). Might have to extend my non dating break for a bit.
Andy_K Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 My point is that respecting someone is more to do with how you treat someone as a person, not necessarily to do with when you have sex with them. I think this is worth highlighting. Being respectful isn't about when you have sex. You're both adults, you can do what you want if you're both on the same page. Not being respectful would be sleeping with someone who obviously wants to date you when you only want sex, or pushing an agenda of early sex on someone who clearly isn't comfortable enough for it yet. Focus on motives and empathy, not actions. 3
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Interesting, I actually had a conversation with her about it. Don't really want to go into detail, but I told her my experiences. Whenever I have sex with someone on the first date, I loose interest & respect for that person. She argued that it has noting to do with respect. It was a good conversation, maybe she was just justify to have sex with me. All my more 'serious' relationships that started with sex on the first date, failed within a few months. I'm also tired of being a rebound. Was fun for awhile, but from experience I know that rebounding does more harm than good.
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Interesting, I actually had a conversation with her about it. Don't really want to go into detail, but I told her my experiences. Whenever I have sex with someone on the first date, I loose interest & respect for that person. She argued that it has noting to do with respect. It was a good conversation, maybe she was just justify to have sex with me. All my more 'serious' relationships that started with sex on the first date, failed within a few months. I'm also tired of being a rebound. Was fun for awhile, but from experience I know that rebounding does more harm than good. I doubt she was trying to justify sex, more likely she was challenging hypocricy. If you lose respect for a woman who has first date sex, do you also lose respect for yourself and all other men who do so? 3
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 didn't really see it coming though. Not that we had a connection, few good conversations SG, if a woman is up for sex and you tell her that you lose respect for women who have first date sex, you should expect a massive fireball of an end coming at you. You made it very clear that you have no respect for her...ain't no coming back from that. 3
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Haha, yeah, I know... She actually asked how I feel about myself after a ons. If she would have asked me last year, I would have told her that that I'm indifferent towards it. Now I honestly told her, that I don't feel good after a ons. After it ended with my ex, 8 months ago, I only slept with two girls till today. It doesn't feel right anymore. Not sure why, maybe I'm becoming more mature, and as mentioned above, sex doesn't move me anymore. It comes too easy these days. This in comparison with two years ago, after a break up, I start sleeping around on the same day. How ridiculous it may sound, I need an emotional connection with the next girl I sleep with.
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I'm curious, where do you meet these women that you're having one night stands left and right? I've been looking in all the wrong places, it seems. 3
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Bars, Clubs, housewarming parties, friends of friends,hotels etc. Don’t go that road. I’ve changed a lot since my early twenties. I’m trying to have a more ‘normal’ dating life, but it’s hard. My job doesn’t help either. I travel a lot, meeting new people, making deals over way too much alcohol, etc. I was (maybe still am) influenced by the lifestyle.
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Bars, Clubs, housewarming parties, friends of friends,hotels etc. Don’t go that road. I’ve changed a lot since my early twenties. I’m trying to have a more ‘normal’ dating life, but it’s hard. That sounds pretty normal to me. At least for this old girl, it's more normal than online dating. My hubby was a friend of a friend....and I joke that he's the world's longest ONS If there's one consolation, you clearly have the moves to get a woman.
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 It’s not that I’m best talker out there. It’s more a combination of my confidence and they way I look. My confidence is because of work, I’m pretty good in what I do. I also used Tinder way back in 2014, was fun. Nowadays you have three kind of people on those apps, at least from my experience. 1. People looking for a rebound; 2. The more older (32+) & desperate people; 3. Crazy people with too much baggage. Sorry if I generalized too much, just my experience. Nevertheless, I will pop her one message tomorrow or the day after tomrrow. If I get a negative respons, lesson learned. 1
fromheart Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 At the risk of stating the obvious, not all women want the same thing. If you weren't wanting sex, why did you stay at her house? If the OP was a woman, would you say to her 'Why did you stay at his house if you didn't want sex?' 1
fromheart Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 First time seeking advice online. Went on a date with a girl, stayed over at her place. I didn't sleep with her, and now she lost interest, I think. Reason why I didn't sleep with her, was because I’m changing my attitude and lifestyle. I basically told her that I’m done with ons and meaningless sex. I never counted with how many women I’ve slept, but it’s in the range of 50-60. I’m not sure if this is a lot, I’m 30. I need a drastic change in lifestyle, so no more ons. I just don't want to sleep with every girl I go on a date with. I think everyone reach this thought at some point. I’ve lost some friends because of my lavish lifestyle with girls. I honestly thought women would appreciate if I don't sleep with them right away. Seem this backed fired badly. Girl is now showing zero interest in me. Now that I was respectful, I basically killed it. I want to contact her again, but don't want to sound needy. You didn't kill anything, your looking for something deeper at this stage in your life. You and this woman are not on the same page on this front. Make it clear in the early stages of a date, what your intentions are. That gives you both the opportunity to politely call it a night, if your looking for different things and avoids confusion. Dont go chasing a woman who is not on the same page, this is a waste of time.
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 I had several girls over at my place. They said in the beginning ‘no sex’, which I respected. We just talked, nothing more. I really can enjoy that. As far as I can remember, these girls respected that I didn’t push for sex. It’s not that I kept in contact with any of those girls that stayed over. It’s not because we hadn’t sex. The thing with this girl is, that she probably is on the rebound. I didn’t even plan to stay at hers, just happened. I don’t know what it is, with some girls I can just have a ons, and with others I’m more holding back. I’m attracted to them, just want to get to know them first. Although my radar for ‘decent’ women is a bit off these days.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 You totally played this wrong. If your intent was to be "respectful" & stop engaging in ONS you needed to go home, not spend a sexless night in her bed. She invited you to stay over because she was DTF & you rejected her. She didn't see that as respect. She saw it as an insult. A deep soulful kiss at her doorstep & then you go home leaving her breathless & wanting more would have played much better. 4
Author SG2014 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 You might be right. I was actually planning to leave, but she pulled me back in. I made it clear that I’m not into ons anymore. She said it’s ok, she doesn’t sleep with random guys anyway. It’s not the first time someone said this to me, and 10min later we were in pleasure town. I’m relatively experienced with these situations. I just didn’t want to that night. I never really had this with women who are my age, or a bit older. Just have to analyze why I want to contact her. Most likely because I feel rejected. 1
maxi105 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) dear sg2014 You showed respect to someone and that is a good thing, it shows what you are about. I wouldn’t worry too much about this, these things happen all the time its just the way it can go sometimes, and ok you would have liked more perhaps but it didn’t happen this time. If it were me and you felt that there was some kind of genuine connection between you both then why not drop a message over to see if she’d like to meet up and just be honest with her, (if you get to meet her face to face and say at the end, hey I really enjoyed your company but I was a bit unsure about the whole sleeping together or expectations bit,tell her you like to get to know people first and see what she says (if she is prepared to give another meeting a chance). I’ll bet if she does like you in that way she’ll understand and will in parts respect that you’ve told her. Some folks go first base first time others do and regret it,others just don’t want that so wont. it depends on so many things and the situation and how things are going at the time and the vibes between you both etc… If she is embarrassed to talk or doesn’t get back in touch with you, keep your good values and next time you get an opportunity find out sooner in an appropriate way of course what the girl thinks of rushing into things, it’ll save you awkwardness and feeling a bit crushed. But like a billion things on this site….a lot of it is because people don’t ask or try to guess what other people will say or do…you know the sort of thing…does he like me…does he still like me, we haven’t spoken in a week should I get in touch????????........sometimes you just gotta actually talk to the people you need to know from and one way or another (not always the way you think or want) but you are more likely to know what you want and stop going round in circles over an issue that is actually bothering you. Ok, hope that helps in-case you haven’t decided about what to do already or haven’t spoken/heard from her. See ya. maxi. Ps. If you are still moving on from your 6 month without dating or whatever the number of months it is - then this might be still fresh interms of meeting someone so there’s no rush to date is there (there’s no time limit…that’s just adding another expectation to the already worn out this show women are, this is how men are this is what dating success is, if I do this this will happen blah blah, the best thing with proper dating is to let things happen “naturally”, you know that you have lost friends over the way you have treated previous dates (and although you have realised this now!!!!! they were real people with real feelings … You too will may also have to learn that people can and sometimes do treat others in a way that they don’t get; or seems cruel. Just goat this in a more natural way, maybe this girl doesn’t want you enough to sleep with you, maybe she also wants respect and isn’t communicating that, maybe this girl has heard about your reputation!!!!!!! And if she has then maybe this little incident is a wake up call to see how sometimes the smallest things that go as you don’t plan can and do affect others (and vise versa). If she’s not interested at some point you hopefully will come across someone who is more interested. It just sounds like you’ve grown upa bit. So I hope it goes well and you don’t just forget how your past has made you treat others… it’s never good to be on the receiving end of someone’s sexual ego or sexual agenda when its manipulatory or self seeking. Ok, im done. See ya. Edited June 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Oh, my, formatting....
GoreSP Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) First time seeking advice online. Went on a date with a girl, stayed over at her place. I didn't sleep with her, and now she lost interest, I think. Reason why I didn't sleep with her, was because I’m changing my attitude and lifestyle. I basically told her that I’m done with ons and meaningless sex. I never counted with how many women I’ve slept, but it’s in the range of 50-60. I’m not sure if this is a lot, I’m 30. I need a drastic change in lifestyle, so no more ons. I just don't want to sleep with every girl I go on a date with. I think everyone reach this thought at some point. I’ve lost some friends because of my lavish lifestyle with girls. I honestly thought women would appreciate if I don't sleep with them right away. Seem this backed fired badly. Girl is now showing zero interest in me. Now that I was respectful, I basically killed it. I want to contact her again, but don't want to sound needy. I don't think it backfired. You were honest with your intentions and it looks like she wasn't (she was looking for a ons and decided to have you sleep over just in case you would change your mind). I personally don't think having sooner/first date ect sex is a shameful practice but if it makes you feel better about your dating habits and who you are dating, you do you and keep at it. Now, personally, if a guy is going to put importance on when we have sex (whether it's soon or late), I see it as a red flag, so it could be that too? You both dodged a bullet in my opinion because you are likely incompatible. Edited June 11, 2018 by GoreSP 1
salparadise Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Make it clear in the early stages of a date, what your intentions are. So as you're ordering the first round of drinks, you just look her in the eye and say, "you realize I intend [or don't intend] to phukk you after we finish the entree?" Are you a man or a woman? I can't imagine a faster way to bring the date to a screeching halt than to actually say to a woman that you intend to bed her on the first date! Even women who may be down for it will need to feign demure until they've has some alcohol and a warm up. Or maybe I've just been doing it wrong my whole life. 1
SunnyWeather Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I'm with the others who said if you didn't want a ons, then why did you go to her place after the date? a sweet kiss good night and an invite for a second date would have been far more in step with what you say you want. If she didn't want to go on the second date, then you would have known clearly she wasn't looking for the same as you. 2
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