Marc878 Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 You are in denial. She dumped you for another. You should wake up 1
Beachead Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 (edited) I have a feeling you are all right. It's crazy to think 3.5 years together and she would just leave me in the dark like this for so long without any indication of what's going on. So cruel... She's leaving you in the dark because she isn't thinking about you at all. This is only possible in 2 scenerios..both of which involves men. 1. There's another guy involved. Probably someone who entered the picture in the last few months of your relationship. Before meeting him, she was probably considering leaving and was weighing out all the pros and cons of the decision and this made her open to other possibilities. Other men. Because she was becoming more open, she allowed herself to be taken by someone new. This was the perfect moment to call it an end with you so she did. Being in a 3.5 year relationship and suddenly becoming single was scary and so she felt more comfortable sliding into something with someone else. She wasn't sure it would work out, so she said 'Lets take a break' to you to keep you as a backup incase it failed. 2. If it wasn't a particular guy, then it was probably her increasing desire to date and explore other men because again, she was growing unhappy in the relationship, and it eventually started to feel like a prison. And now she's currently dating. I don't know the details of your relationship but I can tell you that decisions to end relationships don't happen overnight. It'll be rough for awhile but if you need help and support, here we are. Stay strong man - Beach Edited June 30, 2018 by Beachead
HiCrunchy Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 In most instances where people are on a "break" there is some sort of light contact. Maybe a text once a week but not meeting up in person. Also the breaks normally have a time limit. As in "lets take a break for 3 weeks and then we will get back to together and share the insight I learned about myself during that time." Her saying she wants to be single, makes me think that this break is more permanent that she is letting on. Sorry OP. Don't reach out to her. If she is testing you, she is immature and you don't need that. 1
fromheart Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Please excuse my directness. She's fully aware that her birthday has coming up, and has chosen not to spend it with you. If a woman loved you, she'd want to spend her birthday with you. 'On a break,' usually means 'want to explore other options.' The best thing to do would be to break NC by dumping her. Ask her to meet, there's something you'd like to discuss. If she doesn't want to meet then dump her by text, as she's left no other option.
snowboy91 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Going on a break is really for all intents and purposes a breakup. She's likely dating or having fun with other guys, and I don't think it's at all likely you'll end up back together. That being said, she was a part of your life for 3.5 years, and I feel it would be rude not to just send a text or call wishing her a happy birthday. Last week I sent my ex a happy birthday message which seemed to be well received, despite the breakup being 2 weeks prior. Just remember that the message will be nothing more than friendly wishes with no other motive.
Zapbasket Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 Don't contact her. This is most likely over. It's pretty sh*tty of her not to formally end the relationship, but her continued silence is your answer. If by some tiny chance she IS thinking of you, your silence on her birthday will make her recognize she has lost you and she has to step up and do something if she truly intended for this to be a break. Listen to your instincts: you know this is most likely a breakup. Don't wish her happy birthday and as another poster said, focus on doing something really nice for yourself instead.
SpecialJ Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I agree with d0nnivain. Reach out, but simply, no gifts. Expect it to bring you closure. She'll appreciate you going out on a respectful note (you gave her space, then remembered her birthday), so even if it likely is a breakup you'll have a clean slate to move on with your head held high. Then focus on yourself and forget about what she's doing.
jjb117 Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 I actually went through a "break" myself as of last year. And let me tell you, it was the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I'm sure you can agree but being on a "break" makes you feel uncertain about the future. She didn't let you go completely, but you aren't together. I'm sure you'd feel guilty if you dated others, I know I did. It's just a horrible position to be in. Mainly because you didn't want the relationship to end so of course you're doing all you can to keep it alive. Listen, if there's anything I would say to my younger self, it would be to just end it. With me, my ex would keep in contact with me every week or so, calling me, having 3 hour conversations. It was hard to let go, but in the end, she left with someone else. Like bro, it's not worth it. It really isn't worth it. I'm sure you love her, I know I loved mine, but it will f you up. So my advice is to not do it. She changed the terms of the relationship. She wanted to have distance between you two. So, by not wishing her a happy birthday, you are respecting her wishes. But now this is what you can do. You can either accept that it's over, mourn through the pain, or break NC, and let her know that you can't do this "Break" thing and just end it. At least, in retrospect, it'll feel like you ended it on your terms - and that should feel good. 3.5 years is a long time, but trust me bro, it's best to end it now. 1
Beachead Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) I actually went through a "break" myself as of last year. And let me tell you, it was the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I'm sure you can agree but being on a "break" makes you feel uncertain about the future. She didn't let you go completely, but you aren't together. I'm sure you'd feel guilty if you dated others, I know I did. It's just a horrible position to be in. Mainly because you didn't want the relationship to end so of course you're doing all you can to keep it alive. Listen, if there's anything I would say to my younger self, it would be to just end it. With me, my ex would keep in contact with me every week or so, calling me, having 3 hour conversations. It was hard to let go, but in the end, she left with someone else. Like bro, it's not worth it. It really isn't worth it. I'm sure you love her, I know I loved mine, but it will f you up. So my advice is to not do it. She changed the terms of the relationship. She wanted to have distance between you two. So, by not wishing her a happy birthday, you are respecting her wishes. But now this is what you can do. You can either accept that it's over, mourn through the pain, or break NC, and let her know that you can't do this "Break" thing and just end it. At least, in retrospect, it'll feel like you ended it on your terms - and that should feel good. 3.5 years is a long time, but trust me bro, it's best to end it now. Great advice. I can certainly validate it with my own experiences. We need finality so that we can move on. Uncertainty does not give finality and when the heart is involved, we are risking our state of mind. I went from a happy, healthy confident person to a broken shell because I accepted a "Break" with two different exes. It was truly one of the most damaging and painful periods of time in my life. By accepting it, you disrespect yourself and you let her devalue you as well. Remember you will need your state of mind for your own life. Your job, your family, your friends, yourself..the people who are still in your life who care about you. As Jjb117 said, she changed the terms of the relationship. By not wishing her on her birthday, you are respecting her wishes. She asked for your absence so give it to her. Let her live with the realities of her decision. Don't do it for her either. Do it for yourself. - Beach Edited July 1, 2018 by Beachead 1
fromheart Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 Great advice. I can certainly validate it with my own experiences. We need finality so that we can move on. - Beach The woman has chosen to be on a break from her bf on her birthday. Not sure what more finality is needed?
Beachead Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) The woman has chosen to be on a break from her bf on her birthday. Not sure what more finality is needed? You don't need to convince me. I already know. It's finality to you and me because we've probably experienced this in our pasts know this girl is a waste of time. But is it clear to OP? Does he have the same experience? Is he coming from the same perspective? Is he rationally thinking right now or is he heartbroken, hazy and vulnerable? She asked for a break and disappeared. There was no "This is over" or something to that effect, offered to him. He was left to ponder. To an inexperienced person who's dealing with this for the first time, this is extremely confusing. He's experiencing this for the first time. For all he knows, she could be telling the truth which is something he's willing to hold onto because he loves her and he's loyal and it's hard to let go of someone he was with for 3.5 years. That's over 1200 days worth of time spent thinking and being with the same person. Not very easy to accept a cold hard truth over hope which is unapparently false, in a position like that. That's the perspective he's operating on. When I first encountered a "Break" type of situation with my exes, it was not a crystal clear decision. It wasn't obvious at all. That is the cruelty of a break to an inexperienced person. It leaves hope. Plants seeds. Part of me had a feeling staying was a bad idea but the other part wondered what if I didn't? Would I be making the mistake a rest of my life? Regrets haunt and I didn't want any of it on my conscious. It was a valuable lesson. One I learned by doing it my way. OP has to do what he has to do just like I did back then. - Beach Edited July 2, 2018 by Beachead
SevenCity Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 You don't need to convince me. I already know. It's finality to you and me because we've probably experienced this in our pasts know this girl is a waste of time. But is it clear to OP? Does he have the same experience? Is he coming from the same perspective? Is he rationally thinking right now or is he heartbroken, hazy and vulnerable? She asked for a break and disappeared. There was no "This is over" or something to that effect, offered to him. He was left to ponder. To an inexperienced person who's dealing with this for the first time, this is extremely confusing. He's experiencing this for the first time. For all he knows, she could be telling the truth which is something he's willing to hold onto because he loves her and he's loyal and it's hard to let go of someone he was with for 3.5 years. That's over 1200 days worth of time spent thinking and being with the same person. Not very easy to accept a cold hard truth over hope which is unapparently false, in a position like that. That's the perspective he's operating on. When I first encountered a "Break" type of situation with my exes, it was not a crystal clear decision. It wasn't obvious at all. That is the cruelty of a break to an inexperienced person. It leaves hope. Plants seeds. Part of me had a feeling staying was a bad idea but the other part wondered what if I didn't? Would I be making the mistake a rest of my life? Regrets haunt and I didn't want any of it on my conscious. It was a valuable lesson. One I learned by doing it my way. OP has to do what he has to do just like I did back then. - Beach Great post Beach. I think all of us are trying to warn him the bridge is out up ahead but people have to make their own mistakes. At least when he goes through and finally gets over it he hopefully will never do it again. I was more on a trial basis than a break with my ex but results were the same. I can promise you I will never ever do that again. Once they end it, it is over for good.
fromheart Posted July 3, 2018 Posted July 3, 2018 OP has to do what he has to do just like I did back then. - Beach True. Sometimes its best to let people do what they have to, and then come for advice on what went wrong.
Author Moos Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 UPDATE So 7 weeks later, I got fed up and broke no contact. She basically told me the same thing. The 7 weeks was good though, I was finding I wasn't missing her and my mind was elsewhere when I kept busy. She still maintained the 'the timing isn't right' bollocks. Now I have closure it really is over and haven't/will never speak to her again. She has messaged me a few times, I've ignored it. I went away with a friend on holiday and met this super hot chick who I hooked up with for a few days which really helped tbh. It made me realise that there are other people out there that will like me and who are just as, if not more amazing that she was. I don't want this to sound shallow but seriously, getting under her helped me get over my ex! I'm feeling positive about the future and I don't even miss her now. It was obviously never meant to be, and I see her as a completely different person to who I once was in love with. Thank you guys for all your advice and support. I'm sure il be back in a few years with another breakup Peace
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