completely ruined it...

[Sandwoman]

I've been talking to this guy, known him for 1.5 years, had a handful of dates here and there. Have always had a major crush on him. Hooked up twice. After he expressed that he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship, I made it clear that I don't want to be fwb, so we just hang out occasionally as friends one-on-one. He did invite me home but I declined. I really like him and tbh seeing him not wanting to be with me really hurts.

 

Yesterday we went to his friend's party and got very drunk. He introduced me to a bunch of people as his friend. On the way back I was rather emotional and started talking about how this feels "strange" and it's not going anywhere. He said he's ok with this not going anywhere. He doesn't want me to feel confused or hurt. I kind of flipped and jokingly called him a player. He denied. Then I said let's just be friends.

 

Then I went to his apartment to call an uber and talked a bit more. He wanted me to stay and I said I can't...you don't like me. He said why I'd assume that...part of him really does like me, but he just doesn't know how he feels about starting anything. I must look very upset and he said that I look hurt and disappointed and even when we hang out previous times when the topic was mentioned. He asked if that's what I want, can we still be clear-cut friends. I asked if he ever brings friends home. He says never and he's really not sleeping with anyone. I said me neither. But the conversation was just really painful I don't know what to respond and insisted leaving.

 

He eventually let me go saying he doesn't want to hurt me. Then I said something super stupid..goes like ok that's a rejection. Everyone gets rejected that's fine. Although I never get rejected but it happens and started leaving. Before I left, he asked about being friends, I told him I'd like to but I think it's going to be kind of hard. He seemed upset and said I suggested it first. I just said I don't know...maybe in a year or two. It was a very awkward goodbye...

 

I guess my question is...I know it's not going to happen and I've probably scared him away. Is there a possibility to remend this tension or fix the friendship? I wish yesterday never happened. It wasn't really his fault or anything but I felt like I've blamed my expectations on him and he felt tremendous pressure. I think I ruined this for both of us...

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn't really ruin anything, because there wasn't much there to ruin in the first place. In other words, this wasn't developing in the direction you'd hoped anyway.

 

You can't be friends with him right now. As you see, it's hurting you too much to hang out with him when you know he doesn't want more (or at least not more than a FWB-arrangement, perhaps) There is no point in continuing to see each other when you know he doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

Leave it alone for a while and take your space from him. You need it in order to heal so you can move on. Someday, when that has happened, maybe you two could be friendly again.

[Sandwoman]

Thanks you are completely right. It’s been exhausting. I just wish I didn’t lose my cool and said those words that may seem accusative, narcissistic and desperate. I wish I had left with more grace and kept the friendship door open. Maybe will try to reconnect in two months or so.

[Andy_K]

Not your fault.

 

To quote a cliche (and name of a book), "He's just not that into you"

 

Plain and simple. He does not want anything serious with you. He likes you enough to be friends, and he's attracted to you enough for sex, but is now reluctant to engage things that far because he knows you want more and doesn't want you to get hurt.

 

Where you go from here is up to you, but given how much you like this guy and how it's clearly a one-way street, I'd recommend you limit how much time you spend with him, and look elsewhere for romance

[GemmaUK]

You've already hooked up a couple of times and been fine with that.

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you, you do with him.

 

Unfortunately, his and your interpretations of the word 'friends' are different.

Each time you are 'friends' and agree to be, he sees it as the same as it began 'friends...with beneifts'.

Your interpretation is 'friends...no benefits'.

 

You should leave it where it is and leave him out of your life in future as neither of you are agreeing to the same interpretation so this would only continue going round in the same old circle.

[d0nnivain]

I agree with ExPat. You can't ruin something that didn't exist.

 

You wanted a romance. He did not. You hanging around & continue to be his friend was not working for you. Actually verbalizing it may have ended the cycle but that's a good thing.

 

In time you may be able to put a friendship back together but now you need distance & space. Around the holidays feel free to send him a card if you do that or at Happy Holidays text but for now, spend time with other friends & unfollow him on social media. You don't need the constant reminders.

[smackie9]

Read this: https://www.stephanspeaks.com/girlfriend-act-boyfriend/

[preraph]

Since you two are speaking honestly with each other, tell him you thought about the situation and don't want to lose his friendship but that you feel you need to take a little break so you can unfocus on him and develop your social life. Then do that. Go out with friends and try to meet new guys and then once you start dating and focusing your attention on other guys you may be able to be friends with him again. Good luck.

[act00]

I don't know that it's possible you can be "just friends." I mean, you and he both have to respect the boundaries. If every time you get together as "just friends" but the topic of being more than friends or rejection of being more than friends keeps popping up, it's really not a "just friends" relationship, is it? You want more, clearly, and he does not. YOU have to accept this and let go of any ideas of romance. If you can't do that, you can't be "just a friend." If you continue to harbor hope that he'll turn around, and if you continue to bring up the topic of more than friends, you're just drawing out a long and painful process. One or the other. There is no gray area or in between. So yea, you may have "ruined it." I don't see it as ruining anything - there really isn't anything to ruin. You can't be his buddy and he can't be your lover. You will suffer a loss, but it's better to have a clean split and move on with your life and open that door to meet someone who wants you back.

[Sussmaus7]

A few months before I met my husband I dated someone who I was just too attracted to. It was a bad time in my life a d i didn't want the complication of something serious... I didn't want to get hurt. I asked for friendship hoping to keep him around . He said ' no thanks, I have enough friends ' at first I thought he just didn't like me that much .. but I realized a few things.. I was being selfish. I didn't want a relationship YET, but wanted the possibility in the future. 2. I wouldn't have been able to handle just a friendship. And 3 he prob did like me and didn't want to see me dating. You're guy friend was very honest and clearly you can't just be friends because you have feelings. Imagine if he started dating.. you would def feel ' why her, why not me ' and now he would probably feel so awkward if you were friends and he met someone else. Don't try to 'fix ' this. Let this go. If you are meant to be one day you will... now is not the time. Not for love or friendship.

[mortensorchid]

FWB is rough. One will want something the other isn't giving them eventually. And you sound like you're in that situation - you want something more and he's not going to give it to you. Accept it for what it is or move on.